My child is afraid of dogs - any tips?

[longforasnooze]

Hi, my nearly 4 year old has been afraid of dogs for as long as I can remember, though he has never had a bad experience, and certainly we are not fearful so no nervousness from me. He would cross the road when he saw one coming, leap into my arms if one got close and make a lot of fuss. Any kind or size of dog, doesn't matter, he panics. I know fear is irrational but....no reasoning will placate him.
My partner wanted a dog for his birthday and has always wanted one and we felt my son was now old enough to cope, and we decided to get a puppy so it would be totally unthreatening. We reasoned that once the unknown element was gone he would warm to it and think it was fun.
We are now 4 days into him being at home, he is a gentle and quiet little dog and very curious about the children. The baby doesn't care, but there is no improvement in my 4 year old, who will barely be in the same room as it, climbs up to the highest point from it if he is, and is generally being panicky and squealy. We have confined it to the kitchen so he feels safe in 'his' spaces, offered endless rewards for stroking it, or being friendly, struggling to find behaviour towards it we can praise, reasoned on all logical fronts, watched Scooby Doo!!
Does anyone have any experience of helping their child through their fear of dogs so they can become friends. I would hate the dog to get older, see his fear and then think he was the boss. Any helpful hints greatly appreciated.

well without reading all the seemingly bitchy bits(!), my 4 year old daughter is really terrified of dogs also, and my nephew was as a child but has wolverine beasts now as pets and loves dogs. It's not a bad thing actually, I think it's self-preservation because dogs you don't know can cause serious harm potentially and a good healthy fear of dogs might just help prevent this happening to them when they're so little. And as they grow more experienced about the world around them, they just grow out of it. Sounds a little simplistic, but if you just give dogs a fairly wide berth for now, this common phobia will probably lessen with age.

If you are new to forums longforasnooze a good tip is to lurk for a really long time before posting so that you can get a feel for a board. AIBU is extremely frank and judgey and nobody holds back. If you had posted this on the parenting board you would have gotten quite a different response I suspect (possibly even from the same people).

Lurk lurk lurk before posting to save hurt feelings.

longforasnooze AIBU stands for "am I being unreasonable" and invites other MNers to give opinions on reasonableness or otherwise.

It is a part of MN which is a "free for all" - if you browse other threads in this section you'll see that they can descend into vitual (!) fights very quickly. It is the nature of the section.

If you had posted this in chat or one of the advice sections then you would have had a more measured response, while some people may have made points that you did not ask for they might have done so in a kinder way.

I am sorry if you did not realise which part of the board you were posting on, it is the MN equivalent of saying "I want a fight".

I think you have had a lot of support though, as well as people questioning your judgement, not a bad result, all in all.

Midori, the link was very interesting. I never thought dogs, thought we are dogs, just that a dog views its family as its 'pack' and to understand a dog, you have to think like a dog.

I dont agree with choke chains either or eating first.

So i suppose i am somewhere in between both theories!

I hope we dont put you off!!! There is also a vast swathe of dog haters on Mnet too so its a good job you didn't get those on here too!! lol Seriously though, stick around - there is a pets section too and those are frequented by more animal friendly people. We have all been virtually bashed on AIBU but soon you'll be rolling up your sleves and joining the mob!

claw, i think choke chains are brilliant USED PROPERLY, far kinder than having a dog pull pull pull on a collar putting constant pressure on its neck. But most people can't use them properly. I had a "training collar" which was half choker half collar, it was cloth apart from a chain link which when pulled would allow the collar to tighten briefly, give the jerk as it were, and release - great stuff.

Lucy, perhaps ive never learnt to use them properly, my dog just pulls constantly and chokes!

I know it's a healthy fear, even in an adult of an unknown dog. I remember as a teenager running away from a Collie, until it's owner just calmy said, stand still and put your racket down, and being unsure of my friends Dobermans on her farm. Until you know any animal is safe instinctively you keep your distance. He is slowly realising he is safe. It's become almost a little game he creeps past the sofa with a little smirk not to wake the dog!
I don't actually anticipate this going on for more than a few more days, I just thought people would have first hand experiences, as I don't see that is must be that uncommon for children to have dogs they are initially afraid of. I'm confident his fear will pass, it is a fear and not a phobia.
We are not made of stone and his feelings and thoughts are being respected, but at 4 we make decisions for all of us including him I am afraid, or he would stay up until he collapsed at about 10, eat doughnuts and watch TV all day and never wear clothes and never share his toys! If we feel the dog is ruining his life, rest assured he will go.

My middle son used to be terrified of dogs. He would run every time one came near him, which of course made it worse because then the dog would chase him.

I made him stand still. I stood next to him holding his hand and I got down at his level (he was at his worst in reception/year 1) and then patted the dog and showed him how if he stood still he wouldn't be chased and then gradually he stroked the dog. It took quite a long time and he used to react nervously if the dog so much as put a paw on him.

Now (year 3 - he's nearly 8) he loves dogs, isn't at all scared, plays with them and is quite happy being chased by a puppy. It took time, but the key really for him was getting him to stand still and get comfortable with being sniffed.

Ahhhh, thank you thank you for pointing me in the right direction. I didn't realise there were all kinds of different sections!! Nooo I wanted help not a fight, I am so fraught now I won't sleep!! Looks like I parachuted in way behind enemy lines! Me and my post will go elsewhere!
I throw down the towel people....take my thread and do with it what you will. I get wound up just listening to the opinions on jeremy Kyle's Radio 2 show. This is clearly not the place for me!
Enjoy people and thanks to those of you who did offer sage advice!

'the dog' here is a whole collection of friend's dogs by the way. It took a look time, but a whole bunch of friends got puppies around the same time so he had lots of exposure to different dogs. Each time I made him stand still and patted the dog with him.

You asked for tips and not complete agreement with everything you said, OP. My tips were 1) listen to your child, and 2) find another home for the puppy while it still hasn't got completely used to you.

It would be interesting to know how much you read up on the subject of children and dogs, children and fears, etc., before you decided the dog would be a good idea, longforasnooze. I would also be interested to know what you did to prepare your DS for the arrival of the puppy in the household.

Longfor, for what its worth, im sure you know your ds better than any of us and his boundaries and people should respect that.

No time to read whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating others!

Try wrapping the pup in a towel on your lap, your son may be keener to try to stroke him when he can see that the pup can't make any sudden moves.

Really math anxiety, you'd be interested? Seems to me you are interested in offering me some more pages from your text book, and not really in anybody else!
Maths anxiety please refer to earlier message I hadn't realised I was in the spoiling for a fight forum, but I know where I am now! I have to state quite clearly I think it is utterly ludicrous to get rid of the dog after 4 days. I did listen to my child. He said he didn't want one repeatedly. We watched doggy films, read stories, visited Grandpas dogs and told him we were getting one after each visit. His fear is reasonable but it is not a phobia and he will get over it, we are handling him sensitively. He also hates spiders, but I can't keep them out the house, and is afraid of monsters but still wants to watch Monsters versus aliens and has to have someone hold his hand when he plays hide and seek, but still loves it! I won't Molly Coddle him and would rather he faced his fears in a safe home environment. If I shield him from every fear and allow him to hide every time he is afraid how will he manage. I am sure this will open up a real can of worms. I'm afraid after a point I do believe in the 'just do it' approach, he can dither and um and er forever, but I think if, within reason (I'm not putting him in a cupbaord with it after all) he will just get on with it.

Ooo Lotster, good idea, have you tried it?

and thank you Claw3

Yes and it makes the pup calmer too. Always helps with administering ear/eye drops too (with dogs and kids )

It's not a case of prioritising anything over anything. That is listening, it's listening and saying, I understand, but sorry we're getting one anyway.
He will love it in a few weeks and be glad I said tough and if he really doesn't then I'll eat my words!
My point is at 4 he doesn't know the answer to everything does he. He won't want to go to school next, year, but he'll have to and it'll be good for him and he'll enjoy it. He'll grow up with this pup (which is only medium sized mutt, he is no beast!) and knowing how affectionate he is really, dote on it in due course.
They also say that children who are raised caring for a pet are kinder people, and I think that's true. There are lots of good things to be learnt from helping with the dog and no end of enjoyment to be gleaned for him and his brother from the exercise and high jinks they can embark on.
Your analogy is silly, just because I do something he doesn't like doesn't then make bad behaviour ok. He is incidentally very well behaved it can only be cause I am a tyrant!

We'll see how he is tomorrow then Lotster, I'll put it to him, see if he'll give it a try.

Beg to differ, TSC. In a few years Longfor could have had a son whose fears had grown into a phobia, going on the experiences of some people I've met who have/whose parents have taken your approach.

Anyhow, Longfor, good luck, FWIW I'd have done no different to you (hey, it worked with DD and pigs! ). What we need to know in the next few days is how it's going and what sort of a medium sized mutt your pooch is (pictures please so I can oooh and aaaah and be jealous!).

Because when I go back to work I won't have the same time to devote to his needs and worries and the whole settling in. Now is a good time as there is a seasonal lull in my partners work and I am home and the baby is settled, so we can deal with the initial problems patiently. i don't think they'll be a window like this again, and by then we could be having to do it with two children, whereas now the baby will just be used to it.
More than one way to skin a dog !

Vallhalla, yo're asking me to work out how to post pictures, I've stumbled into the lions den tonight, there's only so much I can take on!
Well when it's going well next week, if the dog is still here and the child not quaking with fear i'll post a picture of them together! It'll take me that long to work it out!