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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this girl was right to let the door swing shut in the old lady's face?

190 replies

AKMD · 22/12/2009 10:25

This was in Sainsbury's. The girl, I'd guess at about 14 years old, was coming out of the loos infront of an old lady with a zimmer frame. The girl held the door open for her (as you would for anyone IMO) and the old lady started screeching at her that she could manage very well on her own and to let the door go immediately! The girl was obviously hugely embarrassed but continued to hold the door open as letting go of the door at that point would have meant it hitting the old lady, but the lady was screaming at her at the top of her voice and being really rude, so after about 10 seconds of looking to be frozen in panic, the girl let the heavy door swing shut, with the predictable consequence of it knocking the old lady backwards (not onto the floor, just back). Cue immediate outrage from shoppers running to help said old lady and the girl bursting into tears. AIBU to think that she was right?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 22/12/2009 15:36

I have all this PC rubbish just say it how it is fgs

Tortington · 22/12/2009 15:36

i think she should have kicked the old lady in the fanjo

msrisotto · 22/12/2009 15:40

lmao custy

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/12/2009 15:44

I cannot be arsed to argue today.

Custy, you are a bad bad lady

ginormoboobs · 22/12/2009 15:49

I said Auld boot erm because she was being just that.
You know like I am a young Mum , my mother is middle aged, my children are toddlers.
The fact that some of you are trying to excuse her attitude towards a child is ridiculous. Yes , she may have dementia , a brain injury , really bad piles, special needs, tourettes , chronic pain , terrified of teenagers , a rare disorder that means so can only be rude as if she is polite she will die She could have any number of issue that make her be quite nasty to a child. Maybe , just maybe,she is just a nasty bitch who is always like that. Some people are just not nice. You can't excuse their behavour by inventing reasons for it.
I know people who were not nice at middle age and are even less nice as pensioners because they can get away with it now because old folks are allowed to be rude because people make up reasons for their attitude problem.

Mongolia · 22/12/2009 15:57

Tend to agree with that, I have an aunt who was terrible when she was young, now that she is old she is simply.... TERRIFYING! No sign of dementia though. She always has been like that.

onagar · 22/12/2009 15:59

The young girl was right. Being old doesn't give you special rights to treat people like shit.

The old lady was either a mean bitch or if she was mentally ill her carer was at fault for not being there protecting the public from her anti-social behaviour.

You can't just assume bad behaviour is caused by illness anyway. What if you are mugged? do you cooperate on the grounds that the mugger might not be able to help themselves?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/12/2009 15:59

I'm not excusing it. I've been spat at and scratched and sworn at by people who I knew had dementia and it's a horrible feeling.I wouldn't expect a 14 to know how to deal with a situation like that, especially if she didn't know what the lady's problem was.

I'm just saying that it's most likely she does have a problem. That's all. That kind of irrationality is quite characteristic of someone with dementia. It's not "inventing reasons".

ScreaminEagle · 22/12/2009 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StrawberriesandCherries · 22/12/2009 16:07

AKMD - Where are youuuuuuu

Did any adults defend the girl??

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/12/2009 16:11

If she'd ben 55 or 60 would you have suggested dementia or just assumed she was a horrible person?

yes, because dementia is rare in people of 55 or 60, more common the older you get.

If a younger person was rude in an irrational way like this, I might suspect a mental illness, because I actually believe most people are NOT rude in situations like this.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/12/2009 16:13

I would have defended the girl if I were there, because it was not her fault.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 22/12/2009 16:13

"how would you feel if it was your grandma??"

Extremely embarrassed at her disgraceful behaviour, that's how I'd feel.

Kaloki · 22/12/2009 16:14

My nan was just as atrocious as the woman in the OP, waaay before she had a stroke. Then she just got louder. The rudeness level stayed the same.

Noone knows if the old woman had dementia, all we know is that she was verbally abusive to a young girl.

It's 50/50 really.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/12/2009 16:15

Ps - I'm NOT saying there aren't nasty rude people in the world, either - I'm just talking about the situation described in the OP (before anyone picks me up on this ).

pagwatch · 22/12/2009 16:19

and the thing is she wasn't just being rude. She was shouting, it was unprovoked and it seemed illogical and totally unreasonable.

If she had just been rude then maybe she was just rude. But all the other facets of her behaviour may suggestthat there was something else going on.

Thats all.

And how long before SN or dementia is mentioned does someone sneer at PC language. You just choose your prejudice don't you?

dittany · 22/12/2009 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

veryconfusedandupset · 22/12/2009 16:27

Of course the old lady might just have been a horrid abusive person - but that doesn't seem all that likely. I'm not saying the girl made the wrong choice either. But the hostility to the old lady and the abusive descriptions on her - coupled with the idea that these mental conditions are "unusual" does show how little the public know about the problem with dementia and linked difficulties. The figures that are used in this country indicate 35% of people have dementia at 85, and many more will have other mental problems. People with dementia can be aggressive because they don't understand why things are happening ( for example they don't know why they are in a starnge place and think people are not telling them where they are and why because they have forgotten. With these figures the chances are that we are going to have to deal with a partner or a parent with the condition so we all need to be atuned to it.
I think if you understand why people behave in this way it is easier to cope with.

In Gloucestershire we have "Dementia Link workers " in care homes and one of the unexpected benefits has been that they are educating their parents in how to cope with grandparents who are not geting formal help.

The person you are deriding as a rude old boot could well have been a nurse or a teacher before the disability began, please don't think too unkindly of them.

mrmellors · 22/12/2009 16:34

Sometimes a good deed goes unthanked or misunderstood, and as an adult you can just shrug and move on whereas to a child it can be very affecting. Poor girl.

I was in a pub at lunchtime a couple of weeks ago, and an old lady with a frame was struggling to get through the door. I jumped up to help, but as soon as she was through the door she slung her frame, coat and scarf at me and started barking orders at me about her lunch booking with the tennis club! And no amount of politely telling her that the landlord was at the bar and that actually I didn't work at the pub made any difference. Nothelped by DH cracking up laughing at the situation, especially when he heard her say to her friend " ... and that bloody barmaid was no bloody help, either" a few minutes later!

Original poster
AKMD · 22/12/2009 16:38

Ok, I'm back! (From an afternoon snooze - 28 weeks PG and a shocking cold if that is an excuse for abandonning the thread )

I think no one intervened for the same reason that I didn't - we were all in various stages of packing/paying at checkouts and too shocked to know what to do in the time that the incident happened. Says a lot for our presence of mind as adults Passings shoppers who had already paid were the ones rushing to help after the lady was hit by the door and yes, they were pretty rude to the girl, who was rescued by a member of staff and taken off to find her mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
AKMD · 22/12/2009 16:41

Posted too soon... The old lady was fine, just stropped at everyone trying to help her and complained loudly about the girl (!) until she was taken off by another member of staff to sit down and wait for a taxi. Didn't see what happened after that.

OP posts:
puffling · 22/12/2009 16:43

She was crackers.

ImSoNotTelling · 22/12/2009 16:54

Poor girl. she'll never forget that incident.

pigletmania · 22/12/2009 16:56

my point exactly mrmellors, some people are just plain rude young or old, yes it may be dementia or mental health but not always thats just how the person is. My great aunt was dreadful, really rude and impolite at times, she did not like it because my English dad married my Armenian mum and was demed a 'foriegner' The behaviour of the lady did shock us we are only human after all and yes it did at first warrent the bint and bat names as it was that someone could behave in that way. NOw looking upon it the lady could have dementia or mental illness but who knows, one does not exactly walk round with a sighn round their necks.

I that beahviour had been by a young person we would have said oh what a thug or yob unless we are not allowed to use such un pc terms. I hope that the girl carries on being the poite girl that she is and is not put off by that incident and the lady recieve assesment for dementia/meantal health illness and recieves help that she clearly needs if that is what she has

pigletmania · 22/12/2009 16:57

Sorry about the bad typos