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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not appreciate being given a charity gift?

258 replies

JannerBird · 19/12/2009 20:52

BIL has sent me and my DH a card saying that he has made a donation to a charity on our behalf for our christmas present. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a crap present? Can't help thinking that a donation to charity should be a private thing. At the very least I would have appreciated the chance to donate to a charity of our choice?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 21/12/2009 19:41

StarExpat

FWIW I think you have taken my post way too seriously. I can't think of a single occasion when I have disliked a gift. I always appreciate the thought, effort and time people spend.

Clearly I am laughing at a jokey thread and others are having a serious conversation.

I tend to view all my charitable contributions and donations as a private matter between me and them/the charity/the organisation. When I buy people gift I buy what I think they will enjoy.

But I have misunderstood the tone so I shall leave

StarExpat · 21/12/2009 19:50

It's ok pagwatch. I should be more light hearted about it I just get so worked up about people not appreciating gifts...etc. My hostility wasn't directed toward you and I do apologize. This sort of thread just gets to me.

StarExpat · 21/12/2009 19:51

apologise
just gave away where I'm from.

pagwatch · 21/12/2009 19:53

I always appreciate gifts too. Send me something. I'll be really grateful

No need to apologize - I just wasn't trying to wind you up

StarExpat · 21/12/2009 19:57

I'm sending you school supplies for a child in Ethiopia - in your name, paid for by me.

IsItMeOrSanta · 21/12/2009 19:57

NonnoMum - well it made me snigger .

What is it about charity and/or gifts that is getting everybody going so much on this thread?

I'm a bit perplexed, as - ignoring the passive aggressive gift-giving mentioned earlier - surely the only way you can otherwise get a good feeling from giving is if you feel that somebody else is an appreciative recipient. So somebody somewhere has to want a gift...

And I'm puzzled by the idea that it's a bad thing to do something that makes you feel good about yourself (i.e. giving to charity makes you feel good). Why wouldn't I want to do that?

Just wondering...

pagwatch · 21/12/2009 20:01

Loverly...

a dictionary in my name would be ironic

MumNWLondon · 21/12/2009 20:18

Next year give him a charity gift to YOUR favourite charity?!

Casserole · 21/12/2009 20:30

Buy something for the Haemhorroid (sp?) Society (or similar) in his name. That'll put a stop to it.

(apologies to all sufferers)

StarExpat · 21/12/2009 20:36

Isitmeorsanta - I think I understand it now... let me take a shot here to answer your question...
It's about the person your giving the gift to. You need to put a lot of thought into it (as people normally do I assumed...) and make sure that what you're getting is something the recipient is definitely going to want. And it can't be something they will consider "tat". And it shouldn't be a charity gift because then it's about you and not the recipient... even if you think the recipient would be touched by that... it's apparent to me now after reading threads like these that most people wouldn't be. So, I guess what a lot of people are saying, is it's ok to do that and feel good about yourself, but they don't want you doing something to make yourself feel good and then telling them it's a present for them... because they might not want it. and they want a present and not a contribution on their behalf to charity - because it might either demean them or make them feel badly that you haven't put enough thought into their gift. Even if you have put in a lot of thought with the chairty gift... they might not see it that way. They might see it as you just fulfilling yourself. And you're responsible for fulfilling everyone else at christmas. (never mind the people in need that you have fulfilled with the charity gift)

Did I get that right??

want want want want want want want!!
I'm fed up.

I'm also so sad that charity gifts are being given in spite or as some sort of punishment or something... that's really too bad.

StarExpat · 21/12/2009 20:39

btw whoever got the charity gift for christian aid who was not christian... I do think that's a bit considering the colleague knew you weren't religious. That almost seems spiteful. Again, so sad that people use charity as a vehicle to be rude/inconsiderate.

Of course if it's an organization you're morally opposed to or something, that's a different story.

Seasonofgoodwill · 21/12/2009 21:35

I know what you're saying StarExpat. However, Christian Aid do help those in need regardless of religion, in case anyone was wondering.

IsItMeOrSanta · 21/12/2009 21:36

Sorry Star, feels like I've contributed to your feeling fed up.

My question was really, why do people get so vexed about the whole issue?

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 21/12/2009 22:46

I HAD to come here and tell you. I just did Secret Santa with work tonight and I spent exactly the £5 on a lovely little set which I thought out.

I got a pack of primark tea-towels.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 21/12/2009 22:47

wrong thread sorry

TreeFuses · 22/12/2009 00:18

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StarExpat · 22/12/2009 07:12

no isitme, I was agreeing with the point about why shouldn't you do something that makes you feel good, too. Just trying to put my feelings in perspective with those I've encountered on this thread.

yes seasonofgoodwill I do know that about christian aid. Just trying to balance and see other people's perspectives.

sarah293 · 22/12/2009 07:20

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StarExpat · 22/12/2009 07:25

Riven, do you think that some people now get carried away with this, too? By that I mean, people get their gift(s) and then judge whether enough thought has been put into them.
Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought just the thought of giving a gift to someone was to be appreciated. Of course extraordinary thought to be appreciated even more. But surely just that someone thought to give a gift should be "enough"? It seems like people are always complaining that "not enough thought" was put into their presents now instead of just that they don't like it/didn't want it - and it's equally as ungrateful IMO.

sarah293 · 22/12/2009 07:47

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StarExpat · 22/12/2009 08:24

Thank you. I could KISS you (don't worry, I won't! ). I think you understand. So I'm not totally crazy. Happy christmas. I hope everyone enjoys the day and appreciates anything they are given without judging the "amount of thought" or complaining that they didn't get stuff/services...etc. that they want.

MrsMattie · 22/12/2009 08:26

YANBU

patronising, worthy - I'd rather people justt gave to charity if they feel the need and didn't use it as an opportunity to boast about it to me!

sarah293 · 22/12/2009 08:26

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IsItMeOrSanta · 22/12/2009 08:30

Star - you know, you might be changing my opinion, ever so slightly .

Because now I'm remembering that somebody can put a lot of thought into picking a gift for a person, which that person still doesn't like.

So perhaps the way forward is to assume that anybody giving a gift put a lot of thought into it. And acknowledge that doesn't mean you will necessarily like it. And remember you should value the thought while it's still okay to take the gift to the charity shop if you don't feel you will get use out of it.

And I will remember to smile sweetly if I ever get a charity gift. Do we think it is okay to quietly let the giver know if it is a charity that goes against my principles?

StarExpat · 22/12/2009 08:33

Of course Riven.

MrsMattie - when I gave charity gifts I honestly thought the people would appreciate them. I did school supplies for children for my teacher friends...etc. made them fitting and for something I knew was close to their hearts. Silly me, I didn't realize I was "boasting" I thought people would feel good that money that was going to be spent on them was instead spent on someone in need.

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