to not appreciate being given a charity gift?

[JannerBird]

BIL has sent me and my DH a card saying that he has made a donation to a charity on our behalf for our christmas present. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a crap present? Can't help thinking that a donation to charity should be a private thing. At the very least I would have appreciated the chance to donate to a charity of our choice?

Lol Riven - MIL stocking gifts are the worst ime. Think we've managed to stop that one. It grieved me as I really don't need or want a stocking, and although all the items are small/inexpensive, we just don't need any more of these things in the world, let alone our house. I comforted myself that MIL obviously got pleasure out of choosing/making the stockings for us.

Is 1st Christmas with DS (her only GC) this year, so I may be back here on boxing day to compare notes with you, if that's okay?

IsitmeorSanta - Yes, I think people should value the thought of getting a gift at all
Imo if soemthing goes against someone's principles, you should say something where appropriate...
Out of genuine curiosity, which charities go against people's principles? Are you talking about religious charities that spread religious beliefs to people? I'm not being cheeky here, I'm just really curious.

lol MIL's are a totally different story. They can't do anything right.

yes Star, as an atheist, it would be evangelising charities that I would object to somebody donating to in my name.

I think some animal loves, e.g., have concerns about the policies of the RSPCA in terms of putting animals to sleep.

It's your call StarExpat. I'm sure you did it with good intentions. But for me, it seems a complete waste of time and energy. Sending me a card to tell me that you have bought a donkey for a village child in Cambodia or whatever? gee, thanks.

StarExpat, I think it all reads a bit funnily on this thread, because debating an issue actually makes you 'over-think' it. And generally yes, with gifts, you are given it, you say 'thank you', you might be a little bit if it's something you don't like, or that sort of thing, but generally you don't spend time 'analysing' how much thought went into the gift. Whereas when you're debating the 'type of gift' you do start to think along those lines.

My dislike for charity gifts is more as a giver than as a receiver. I've had (sorry to repeat the 'sob story' ) of them being given patronisingly, but also I would prefer to actually give my friends and family a tangible 'something' even if it's of little monetary value, to show that I value THEM, not just attach a monetary value to their names, which I can discharge by buying a charity gift. If I can buy a gift that fulfils both functions, then I do that (my parents are receiving a fairtrade and recycled bowl this year, which I know they will like as I have one which they have admired).

So that's kind of where I am on it - it's not that I 'analyse' the gifts I'm given, it's that I wouldn't choose to give this sort of gift, and I've found it quite upsetting on this thread to have people proclaiming that 'people who don't like charity gifts are materialistic', or that presents which aren't charity gifts are 'meaningless tat'. I hope that neither of those statements are true.

yes, lily I do think it's a few separate issues all tangled up into this thread. It does really get to me when people complain about a gift because "not enough thought was put into it" or that they didn't want it or like it. A gift is a gift. I was brought up to be grateful for any gift received and that it is ungrateful to complain about it.... whether it's because I judge it to have "little thought" or because I didn't like it or want it... it's a gift. Someone thought to give me a gift. I should be grateful. But, that's just me. I don't feel entitled to gifts. I also don't feel entitled to a certain quality or "amount of thought". Just the thought of the gift is way more than enough for me.

I don't think that any of the sweeping statements are true and I apologise if I have made any like those you are referring to.

I do think a charity gift is usually well intentioned. Meant to make both parties feel good. I personally see nothing wrong with it.

I do get really irritated hearing people saying things like "all I got was..." and "isn't this a crap gift?" and "s/he put no thought into this!" about gifts.
No one is entitled to a gift. The thought to give a gift... that thought alone is "enough" and something for which to be grateful. But, that's just my opinion. I guess others feel differently. I accept that.
If we all thought and felt the same about everything the world would be a boring place
Happy Christmas!
I hope it brings everyone happiness.

And let's remember that there are many many people in this world who aren't "getting" anything for Christmas... who are in desperate need of basic essentials for survival.
I'm irritated with myself that I've allowed myself to get so caught up in a discussion about something so trivial as gifts.

I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you Star - it would be a sad world if we didn't get upset and engaged with the thought that so many people are in desperate need of basic essentials. Caring is a good thing.

StarExpat, I think you've been very very balanced all along, and haven't made either of those sweeping statements. Sorry if I've made you feel bad either.

It's the nature of talk boards isn't it, to get all worked up about trivial things! And of course no-one is entitled to a gift.

That's probably why I look on it from the 'giver' point of view - it's not for me, I wouldn't give a present like this. But I don't 'expect' people to give me presents at all, and am very pleased when they do.

I hope our house is a non-materialistic one, we don't do lavish christmas gifts for everyone - dd for example is getting a doll plus a couple of stocking filler type things. And I was very touched at Children in Need when they had a non-uniform day at school, and ds1 declined our offer to give him his £1 (they pay £1 and then don't have to wear uniform), and instead went to his money box, got a £2 coin, and said he wanted the children to have his 'best coin', because they needed it more than he did. So I hope there is an atmosphere of giving not getting in our house, even if we don't do charity gifts!!! The kids also know what it's like to be worried about money etc - dh was made redundant this year, so they've had the worry of that, as have we, and in the summer it looked like Christmas was going to be a very lean time. We are very lucky that dh got a new job, and things are ok, but we do have perspective on that.

Lastly, although we are all in the Western world INCREDIBLY fortunate in what we have and what we have access to, I don't think that because there are people who are desperately poor that we need to have huge amounts of guilt about ever treating our loved ones to gifts - and I tend to think that our charitable giving should be ongoing, not just at Christmas. There's a story isn't there (sorry to be religious, but I am a Christian, and I think this is a good example) where Mary (not Mary Magdalene, or Mary mother of Jesus) anoints Jesus' feet with nard, which was very expensive, and when Judas complains saying it 'could have been sold and the proceeds given to the poor' Jesus says 'there will always be poor, but she has done a beautiful thing for me.'

Look, the only people who buy these fucking goats and wells (outside of those who have made a mutual agreement to do it) are either unimaginative pious twerps who will buy anything if it's For Charity (the sort of people who dress up as bunnyrabbits or sit in baths of custard on Comic Relief day), or they are agressively self-righteous twats who are forever banging on about how materialistic other people are while they peel their organic hand-polised veg and wriggle their toes inside their new cashmere slippers.

Not all these charity gifts do the Third World much good (though I do think that the pieces about goat-buying might have pointed out that you can also pay for wells, education, mosquito nets and other things that don't defoliate the whole village like actual goats do).

Oh yeah, and being 'antimaterialistic' and going on about it is a bit of a stupidity indicator. What makes the world go round is trade. By all means look for stuff to buy that supports independent producers, is organic, Fairtrade, in line with your ethical principles and all that, but the 'Don't buy things, don't care about objects' mindset (ie donate to the poor but don't actually consider trading with them or supporting them in business)is very much an over-privileged overthinking poncy way of viewing the world.

solidgold that is a sweeping statement about people who do charity gifts. But I guess we're all allowed to overgeneralize at will. I'm not ignorant to the fact that money and stuff is what makes economies thrive. I have nothing against fairtrade. I don't think anyone has said anything against fairtrade. Just saying that charity gifts are well intentioned and not bad.

About the goats - it specifically says that if you "buy a goat" and too many people buy goats, that the money is then used to go toward other things that a village or family needs...

And I give to charities throughout the year, not just at christmas. My class at school a few months ago raised money to buy mosquito nets for a school we've paired with in a country in Africa to reduce malaria. We bought the nets and have sent them, they are on their way. I'm not totally anti material objects.
I'm anti - people complaining about gifts, regardless of what they are. And I also like the idea of charity gifts, but not everyone feels that way, and I respect that.

Nice post, Lily.
Thanks isitme

YANBU- at least you should choose which charity to send the money to.

I hold my hand up, I have purchased said charity gifts. We have a work agreement not to send cards round the office or to Clients and instead give the money to send a cow and e-cards to clients.

I've also got my younger sister and BIL charity gifts as well as something consumable for them to open. They live in a different financial league to me and there is no way I could afford to get them something they would actually like, they also live in a tiny expensive flat, sorry appartment,so there is no room for cheap Christmas tat. I have chosen charity gifts that relate directly to their interests and beliefs so I don't feel bad on donating on their behalf.

I would like to point out, I like my Christmas tat and have bought plenty of it for those who have room and would appreciate it, endulge in fairtrade goods as a matter of course and have never sat in a bath of custard or beans for anyone!

I am actually quite self righteous, I eat organic veg and I do have some lovely woolly - but not cashmore slipper boots, I draw the line at twat though.

twinkle - I only recently found out what "twat" means

Thanks for your post, treefuses

I didn't find out until I was about 20 star.

I have been having a totally self righteous poncetastic conversation with myself about the fact I should be more than happy to be called a twat as I have one, why should that word insult me. Mind you I am not a dick either.

If I give smuggo Oxfam Unwrapped presents then I do give something else to unwrap too. Eg, for DD's teachers I sent in a nice box of chocs (not v exciting but something that could be shared) and an Oxfam gift of schoolbooks for a Third World school. DD said her teacher cried at that and said it was very thoughtful, so some people do genuinely appreciate the spirit in which they are given.

Last year one of the presents I gave to my Mum was the 'train a business woman' package from Oxfam Unwrapped, relevant because my Mum runs her own very sucessful business and I knew she would appreciate it. It was personalised. It wasn't her only gift, she got plenty of other items just for her but she apreciated the thought behind the oxfam gift.

I think they are good gift if they are thought about, personalised and given in conjunction with something else, just something small that the person can keep for themselves.

NomDePlume - last year at the end of the year my students (I'm a teacher) all pitched in (well, their parents!) and made an incredibly generous donation in my family's name to Great Ormond Street Hospital. I cried because I was so touched by that. I had DS (first and only) just 9 months earlier and was finding it hard to afford everything and needed to go back to work early... I was so touched by this gift.

I have also given charity gifts (as said before)and really thought people felt similarly and good about it... I hope their reactions were genuine... unless some of them are on this thread

If you want to give to charity and buy a gift for a loved one, then why not buy them a gift from a charity shop?

Oxfam have lots of lovely brand new handmade pieces and make great gifts.

The Traidcraft catalogue has some nice things too.

yes those are all very nice. I personally have no problem with that stuff. Also have no problem with charity donations.