to not appreciate being given a charity gift?

[JannerBird]

BIL has sent me and my DH a card saying that he has made a donation to a charity on our behalf for our christmas present. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a crap present? Can't help thinking that a donation to charity should be a private thing. At the very least I would have appreciated the chance to donate to a charity of our choice?

Pesonally I would be quite happy to receive one, in fact I would choose to given the option (my family are anti them) but when I have given them, it has always been a part of a gift- so a few years back I gave teachers a bar of G&B choccy and a 'feed a child for a week'or'buy a textbook in Africa' thing.

Apaprently apart from the one teahcer who wrote to say how lovely it was, the others were all put out- well hard mouldy milk products, IMO a teacher shouldn't expect anything and the choccy should be enbough (I should opoint out its a very Churchy school and so should be all part of it IMO)

But I don't think i'd give them othetr than as part of a token gift, indeed whilst I think theya re great to either request or use in that way, other than that it'sprobably a bit off.

OTOH the year DH gave £20 to Oxfam for a goat for MIL did make me PMSL but there was history

I think they're fine for people that you know would appreciate them, but there is an element of showyness and even selfishness to just buying them regardless. It's basically donating money to charity, but instead of sacrificing any of your own little luxuries in your life, you're sacrificing gifts to others.

It sort of reminds me of funerals where the bereaved request donations to charity instead of flowers, which I think is great. But the deceased clearly don't care for flowers as much as the living might care for a personal, thoughtful gift.

I think a nicer way of using "charity gifts" is to request a charity gift for yourself, instead of cutting back on someone else's Christmas present so it is effectively them making the donation instead of you.

Of course, if the person you've suggested charity gifts to thinks it's a good idea, they might then offer to receive a charity gift instead of their usual present too. But it is then up to them that they have forfeited their present, it's mutual and reciprocal, and they have the opportunity to suggest their favourite charity to you.

I just think that not appreciating gift, whatever it is smacks of a sense of entitlement tbh and is quite rude.

People may or may not like giving charity gifts but t recieve something, even a though attached to a charity gift seems rather offhand.

My point about fairtrade was not so much that it should be avoided but that it is not clear cut. There have been issues about the hoops farmers need to jump though to be classed fairtrade, the methods they use, the fact that companies like nestle are now involved, the effects on the coffee market and the profits tha go to supermarkets who sometimes charge a premium on the premium. I buy fairtrade so would not seek to criticise anyne who did. However just as you could search the internet and papers for articles critical of charity gifts I am sure you could do the same of fairtrade.

For me buying a charity gift is about acknowledging that Christmas is about faith and family not gifts and that we have more than enough without adding to our material luxury gifts.

Something on this thread that I think isn't right is the assumption that a gift given (ie not a charity gift) is 'tat' or a 'material luxury gift'.

Most of the gifts we give aren't either of those things. Lots are personal type things (photos etc). For example last year, we gave my parents;
Framed school photo of the 3 children
Pictures the children painted at school and that the school framed
CD of pictures from our year for them to keep and share as they like
Box of fairtrade chocolates

None of them 'expensive luxuries' or 'tat'. All of them appreciated.

Wrt to the fairtrade issue - yes the farmers have to jump through hoops. But generally speaking that is so that the WORKERS on the farms are guaranteed work, pay and good conditions. Which is a good thing. It is complex, but I prefer to support a movement which 'creates long-lasting jobs' rather than just giving hand outs, which doesn't necessarily empower people to improve their lives.

And wrt to Nestle being involved - well, using the 4 finger kit-kat as an example - imo it is FAR better that they should use cocoa beans that are guaranteed to be from a farm that has not trafficked children into slavery than not. And so, irrespective of what else they do (which obviously leaves a lot to be desired), the fact that they feel the pressure to go fairtrade, at least in part, is great, as it shows that the consumer cares about this. And the less work that is given to slave master owned farms that traffic children the better.

To me as an atheist Christmas is a mid winter celebration, not necessarily about either faith or family, just an excuse for a party to lessen the winter blues, with alot of tradition involved.
I only buy presents for a few people and choose them carefully although within the family we ask each other what we/ the kids would like.
I think giving to charity is fine and giving presents is fine. I don't on the other hand think that a charity donation is a presnt, it's choosing not to give a present, but to give someone else your present instead, and I don't see why giving money that would have been spent on me to Oxfam is any different to giving the box of chocolates you had bought for me to the woman next door instead. In neither case do I actually get the present, someone else does.

I just think no matter what you're given, charity gift, home made goods, free babysitting or something material... regardless of what it is, you should appreciate it and not complain about it. I would never complain or feel slighted or anything like that about a gift given to me... but that's just me. A gift is a nice gesture, no matter what it is.
Maybe you don't consider a donation in your name a "gift" but many many givers, do. And it's not up to you to decide the gift giver's intentions or feelings. Just accept and appreciate what you're given.
Some people aren't getting anything this christmas, birthday... any time of the year... so be grateful. And if someone decides you might like it if they put the money from your pressie toward someone like that, be grateful. They might be like me, and actually think you'll appreciate it and like the gesture!

2rebecca, if my next door neighbour was having a tough year and a gift giver giving me a box of chocolates knew this and gave them to my neighbour instead, in my name (saying they are from me, for example) and told me about it, I'd be quite touched that my part of her xmas gift budget was given to someone who really got a bright spark to her day from it

To me giving a donation to a charity "in my name" when I had no say in it isn't a gift at all, any more than if the giver had given the box of chocolates bought for me to someone else.
They are choosing to give my gift to someone else, which is OK but I think they should be honest about it and not pretend that somehow i am getting something out of the transaction.
The buyer is giving a gift to charity. I am irrelevent here and am not actually getting any sort of gift.
I am always appreciative of any real gifts i get, and if I'd asked for a charity gift would be appreciative of that.

2rebecca - I just naively thought that people are like me and would appreciate a gift given to someone who really needs it, in my name or their name... I guess most people want something for themselves instead.
I didn't know you were supposed to have "a say" in gifts... I thought a gift was a gift... a surprise, something that someone picks out for you because they think you will like it.

I have never in my life asked for a gift! I guess I had a really, really weird upbringing...

I don't think its all about actually wanting a gift for themselves. Charity giving is personal and not everybody supports Third World charities like Oxfam and, if having a gift bought of this nature, would actually like it to be for a charity they support rather than one they dont.

Unless requested, I would never give a charity gift.

Starexpat I just don't see how a gift to a charity that I have had no say in is in any way a gift for me. I'm not actually getting anything.
If I was your relative and you chose to give your money to charity rather than buy me a present that's fine, but I'd prefer you to be honest about it rather than pretend I am actually getting something, unless I'd actually said "I don't want a present this year, please can you give a donation to Age Concern instead".
I think if people are just giving money to charity instead of buying presents then it might be as well to just exchange cards and stop the pretence of present buying.
I think the idea of buying someone you care for a present is a nice idea though and not just materialistic. I think the presents have just got too big.

Those who say that they don't give charity gifts in order to feel good, answer this question:

When you decide to give charity gifts, do you think, "x has often supported oxfam/christian aid/

2rebecca what about those of us in the Southern Hemisphere who celebrate Xmas in the Summer months?

It's not the same. I had a Southern hemisphere Christmas once, it was very strange and made me realise how much of the Christmas traditions are based around the northern hemisphere winter solstice festival.
The worst bit was having nothing to break up the winter.
We tried doing bonfire night, but that doesn't work in summer especially with wooden houses either.

"I thought a gift was a gift... a surprise, something that someone picks out for you because
they think you will like it." But that's just it. We wouldn't look to buy a physical present for someone that we thought they might not like, so why is a charity gift any different?

I wonder whether it's because objecting to charity giving is sort of a tabu simply because it's charity, so if you give a charity gift then the recipiant can't really say anything negative without looking like a selfish *, whereas if you give a shite present, then others might actually agree with the recipiant on its shiteness.

at wannabe
That is soo true

People feel doubly annoyed.
1st hey get shit present.
Then they are denied ability to say "look at this tragic and shit present" to random people for fear of looking uncharitable.

I guess I was brought up strangely and have very strange values.

I guess I need to be more careful and ask people first before I buy a charity gift in the future... wouldn't want anyone to get something they don't want.

pagwatch - that's just it... I'd never say to anyone "hey look at this tragic and shit present" about any present because it's a gift and I am appreciative for any gift. As I hope someone I'm giving to would appreciate as well. That I thought to give them a gift. I didn't realize so much emphasis was placed on what gifts people get... I just don't get it. Not at all.

And wannabe - I usually don't have conversations like that "what a shite present" with others, either... seems very odd and selfish to me... really. I mean, unless the present you were given is the privilege of cleaning someone's toilets... I can't think of anything else that I'd complain about. Because I would just appreciate that they took time to think of me and give me a gift at all... no matter what it is!

My FIL has Irritable Bowel Syndrome. My DH bought him a charity present labelling it, "There's a latrine in Addis Adaba with your name on it..."

That really irritated him.

The next year he got socks...