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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not appreciate being given a charity gift?

258 replies

JannerBird · 19/12/2009 20:52

BIL has sent me and my DH a card saying that he has made a donation to a charity on our behalf for our christmas present. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a crap present? Can't help thinking that a donation to charity should be a private thing. At the very least I would have appreciated the chance to donate to a charity of our choice?

OP posts:
MerryXmasMrsHenry · 20/12/2009 18:10

To quote you, Lily: "The point about a charity gift, as has been made many times on this thread, is that they are bought by people to make THEMSELVES feel good." - that's a pretty sweeping generalisation to me. Sounds like you are talking about everyone. Unless by 'people' you were only referring to your friend? In which case, why not just say so?

Basically it seems to me that you've made assumptions about people you don't know, and now you've been challenged you don't like it. Oh well, that's life.

Wmmc - rofl about your MIL!

MannyMoeAndJack · 20/12/2009 18:11

Charity gifts are fine...so long as they are offset supplemented with a small bar of chocolate or similar (fair trade naturellement )

sarah293 · 20/12/2009 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 18:16

Well you are clearly a much better person than me, I bow to your superior character. I am clearly not worthy to even post on such a thread being such a materialistic horrible person.

Twinkleandpearls · 20/12/2009 18:48

I am not quite sure why you are taking this so personally Lily.

Ponders · 20/12/2009 19:12

And further down in VI's article:

"My local Age Concern bulges in January with presents I've recently received with gratitude, but which I find unusable.
That way, I get the pleasure of opening a well-intentioned parcel from a friend, which is very nice and gives me a warm feeling, whatever it is, and also the pleasure, if I wish, of handing the contents on to a charity. Myself."

Oh, right. So somebody spends £10-20-30 on a present for VI to open, which she pretends to like, & then passes on to the charity shop for them to sell for probably a fiver; & she thinks this is preferable to an equally "well-intentioned" gift of £10-20-30 to a charity in the first place?

Except that in her world, the cash donation is not well-intentioned, it's patronising & meaningless.

FFS

MannyMoeAndJack · 20/12/2009 19:17

It's all about ego though isn't it...not receiving a 'direct', personalised pressie can cause offence to some!

Tortington · 20/12/2009 19:19

sommat small and not a lot of money accompanied by charity gift is a great idea.

i love opening prezzies.

JemL · 20/12/2009 19:25

YABVU

But then, I work as a charity fundraiser

givecarrotsachance · 20/12/2009 19:27

What a terrible thought - you want stuff more than you want people to be able to survive? Jeesh.

I love the charity gift options and have had a lot of fun this year choosing appropriate things for friends and family, knowing that they would much prefer that to more junk from China with a huge carbon footprint that will sit in the corner within 2 days.

And it's not all about the goats. I've bought midwifery packs for Africa for my mum (a midwife), sight operations for my dad (who has just had a cataracts op) and some rainforest for my SIL (as a joke as she's a city girl).

We also did charity gifts for our wedding list. We didn't want stuff either but to be able to donate to a charity we do work for in Africa, and see how it changes the lives of people who have nothing, is far nicer than crappy candlesticks and silver photoframes (yawn).

I heard on the radio the other day someone saying that global warming would affect the western world more than the developing world (presumably because we've got further to fall). If you've ever been to Africa and seen the people living on the edge of survival - especially this year with the terrible droughts in East Africa, you would be glad of the charity gifts and more considerate of the people who you share this world with.

In case I'm not being clear, YABU. Shockingly.

poinsettydawg · 20/12/2009 19:32

bil should have written in his card that no one should buy him a present, please give to charity instead if desired.

mammafran · 20/12/2009 19:33

i think its a bit cheeky and if you want to give to charity it should be your choice and not for someone else to decide on your behalf. However, me and my dh gave his father an Oxfam goat last year and he cried and said it was the best present he had ever received lol.

Hulababy · 20/12/2009 19:35

By givecarrotsachance Sun 20-Dec-09 19:27:23
What a terrible thought - you want stuff more than you want people to be able to survive?

And you get all that from the OP do you? You are being very OTT there.

Many of us deal with our own charitable givings in our own way instead, thanks.

My only real thought on all this is that:

if you want to donate to a charity then do so. Why do you feel the need to make it a gift for somone else? Why not just donate to charity on behalf if yourself, without any form of "gift" being involved?

That is what many of us just do anyway, without pretending it is a gift for someone else.

Original poster
JannerBird · 20/12/2009 19:42

givecarrotsachance - I don't think anyone is suggesting that giving to charity is ever wrong. I think the key sentence in your post is, 'I love the charity gift options and have had a lot of fun this year choosing appropriate things for friends and family,'. I would have been genuinely touched if BIL had contacted me and said that he would really rather not EXCHANGE presents this year and could we donate to charity instead. I could have then given to my chosen charity and he to his. Win, win. Instead, as someone else has pointed out, I am left to feel very patronised and a little silly for sending what I thought was a very tasteful and useful present because that can't, in reality, compete with something that is going to change someone's life.

OP posts:
Takver · 20/12/2009 19:43

Surely part of the problem is that person A's idea of a worthwhile charity may not agree with person B's ethics or ideals.

So, I might send the Anarchist Black Cross a fiver on Riven's behalf, whereas she would much prefer that I sent it to the Jehovah's Witnesses . . .

Like others have said, fine (or more than fine) if asked for, but perhaps dodgy if not.

(Note to self - request M/FiL to send donation on my behalf to the ABC next year )

Twinkleandpearls · 20/12/2009 19:45

I suppose hula it depends what you think the main point of Christmas is. For me Christmas is at best not about presents and at a minimum not just about presents. I think last year I didn't get anything bar something dd made me and I really did not care. I am really not bothered about receiving presents and many of the people I know feel the same.

I am not criticising people who like presents, I know that most people are not as religious as me and therefore Christmas has a very different meaning. I am fine with that, it is hard enough to get a seat at midnight mass as it is.

This year my mum has bought me a present and I am quite excited, but I have also asked to halve whatever she was going to spend and donate the rest to a charity. She is not religious so she has donated the money to a local charity I used to be involved with. My dp has also bought me a present, again I am excited, who doesn't like getting presents? But I don't feel as if I a entitled to a present and again he has donated money to charity at my request and I have done the same for dd and dp.

As I said before if I know someone who likes gifts at Christmas and would recoil in horror at the thought of a charity present I buy them a normal gift, everyone else gets something small or homemade.

devotion · 20/12/2009 19:52

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

He should have told you in advance that was what he was doing and then you could choose what charity you want your donation to go to or he could have chose a few for you to choose from.

To just say he done it means nothing to you? Don't see the point really. Basicall he didnt get you a present at all.

I really like the idea of donating to charities rather than buying lots of things we dont need. In our family we stopped buying gifts for everyone years ago and just do secret santa on both sides of the family so we just need to buy one present each for each family. So simple and easy and its lovely when we all bring the gifts out and hand them to the person you bought for.

My dd's friend always has a massive party each year and because she comes from a big family the mum asks for no gifts as she gets lots from family she gives everyone a link to donate to this african charity and you can see where your money goes and with the total of the party too it shows you the breakdown what it will be spent on. Lovely ided.

Nefertari · 20/12/2009 19:52

Donations to charity should be on your own behalf. I would never think of contributing on someone else's behalf such as by buying gifts, unless it was something all parties had agreed to do.

All my charity stuff is private, and not even my DH knows what charity stuff I do, because I don't want anyone else to feel patronised by my own actions. In fact, I don't really get a big "feel good" thing, I just feel it is something necessary to do.

Twinkleandpearls · 20/12/2009 19:58

I imagine that most people who give charity presents also make regular donations around the year.

Littleknight · 20/12/2009 20:02

I like the idea of charity presents but would secretly be really disappointed. I reckon everyone feels the same actually!!

givecarrotsachance · 20/12/2009 20:05

janner I think that sending someone a tasteful and useful gift is always a lovely thing to do, and you should be proud that you've managed to do that rather than copping out with some crappy junk "just for the laff" which is pointless and useless.

You shouldn't feel patronised and I think that your BIL would be upset to think you were. He's also come up with a thoughtful gift - so in that sense, there's a good balance between you.

Maybe a good idea would be to thank him for the gift and say what a good idea you thought it was, and maybe next year/birthday/etc you could discuss doing the same thing and perhaps consider choosing between you which charities to buy for - or to avoid the awkward feeling of "giving cash", stick with the fun of choosing an unusual gift from a charity catalogue which would be appropriate in some way for each other (like the examples I've given for my gifts). Good Gifts has a great selection. I think that Christian Aid has a gifts catalogue - or it may be Save the Children, I can't remember (or both), and of course the other major charities such as Oxfam. Then there's the charities with more specialised stuff such as sponsoring an animal (Dog's Trust, Zoos, Redwings Horse Sanctuary) - the list is endless.

I'm glad you raised the issue and I truly hope that more people will cut the crap and useless gifts and either give something useful to the recipient or something useful to someone else.

Southwestwhippet · 20/12/2009 20:06

What would annoy me is not being involved or consulted in the choice of charity... The OP says it is not a charity she would personally have choosen to donate to which to me suggests that the BIL really wasn't thinking about her at all when he made his decision to do this. Surely the point and pleasure of giving and recieving a gift is the fact that you have thought about the person during the gift selection process whether it is a charity gift or a 'present'.

If someone bought me a charity donation to a charity relevant to my beliefs/passions I would be delighted but there are some charitable causes I expressly do not donate to and I would be annoyed if someone wrote to me saying they had donated to them 'on my behalf'.

It really does depend on the charity TBH. In the OP's situation i think YANBU

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 20/12/2009 20:10

I think YABU.

Original poster
JannerBird · 20/12/2009 20:26

Thanks givecarrotsachance, your post makes alot of sense and maybe the way forward on this one! A world with less tat and more thought is certainly something to hope for.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 20/12/2009 21:01

ffs
This thread has just made my blood boil.
Why are people so materialistic?
Surely a gift that allows someone that is truly in need to have something to help them survive and a chance at a better life is a better gift than some material object (regardless of how much time, thought and energy was spent picking out the "stuff"/ material object(s) ).

I'm so touched when I get a charity donation gift. It says to me, "instead of spending money on stuff for you, I've taken the money I was going to spend on that and given it to someone in great need" That warms my heart. Odd that it doesn't warm others.... but to each their own in our selfish, materialistic society.