to not appreciate being given a charity gift?

[JannerBird]

BIL has sent me and my DH a card saying that he has made a donation to a charity on our behalf for our christmas present. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a crap present? Can't help thinking that a donation to charity should be a private thing. At the very least I would have appreciated the chance to donate to a charity of our choice?

good post, givecarrotsachance

The reason I'm taking it personally is because I've firstly got 1st hand experience of being 'patronised' by a gift like this (as if suggesting I can't make my own charitable donations, so have to have them made on my behalf), secondly making my carefully chosen and ethical gift seem insignificant and materialistic, and thirdly having people trawl my posts as if I'm some sort of politician who is an expert in expressing themselves to the point where holes can't be picked in what they say. I'm only trying to explain why I don't like them (giving or receiving them).

It's nothing to do with 'wanting things more than you want people to survive'. Actually I think fairtrade gifts are a much better idea because of the fairtrade premium invested in the villages and co-operatives that fairtrade gives - it doesn't just give an animal or a 'thing' it actually offers guaranteed work, plus investment in things such as wells etc. Which I think is better than handing out animals which are debatably not great to be sending out anyway.

What's more, I don't think Christmas presents have to be about 'something you need'. If it was, then presumably we'd all be getting tampax and toilet paper in our stockings. Sometimes it's about getting a treat, or something you wouldn't normally get yourself. And it's ok to do that, it's not wrong to like getting a 'nice' present. It can mean a lot to people who find it tough the rest of the year.

Sorry you felt that way, Lily.
I always feel happy that someone spent that money on something for charity, regardless of what it is and haven't ever taken it to mean that I couldn't afford it myself... just that the money they were going to spend on me was put to something wonderful and that makes me happy. I guess I'm in a small minority with that feeling.

StarExpat - depends how it's done doesn't it. If you swap presents with someone, giving them an ethical present that will help people in poorer countries, but is also a beautiful gift for them, and receive in return a goat with a statement 'WE've decided to be ethical this year and donate to charity instead of getting presents people don't need' it's quite upsetting as it does imply that not only have they given your present away, but they don't value the one you've given them.

And also, a gift doesn't have to be a 'thing' as I said earlier - it can be a promise of babysitting, or a meal promise - I've done that for people before - and sometimes that can be exactly what the person is DESPERATE for - we have virtually no babysitters, and no family close by, and if someone gave me an evening out with dh, I would be SO SO grateful, and it would cost them nothing.

Which is why I find it hard to read posts that say that people who don't like charity gifts are materialistic. We often give homemade gifts, but make sure they are things the person will really appreciate and enjoy, and that will really make the person feel thought about.

Twinkleandpearls - I agree Christmas is not about presents as such. For me part of it is about giving however. I like to give gifts to my loved ones.

I just don;t like ths idea of charity gifts.

If I ever got one then fair enough. I would not be offended nor comment negatively. But I personally would rather not recieve one, I'd rather not recieve a gift at all.

For me charity giving shouldn't be, or rather doesnt need to be, linked to a gift for soeone else. It is just something I do on behalf of myself, for n gift in return - regardless of who'se name in it.

I suppose for me charity giving is a personal thing, and I prefer it to remain that way.

I just don't get why it has to be linked to gifts for others.

well that is just crap if someone said that to you, Lily!
That's just really crap.

I agree about the free babysitting...etc. I think those gifts are great. I also made home made truffles this year. I have done charity gifts in the past... but this year I was too poor to do that (another reason I'd really appreciate charity gifts this year, because I can't give as much as I usually can to charity ).
So, I've gotten modest pressies that I could afford for DH and DS, given what I can to charity and made choc and baileys truffles for everyone else, which everyone has seemed to enjoy... but I wasn't able to put a lot of thought in... although i did make some with marzipan for those who know like that... and I have difficulty making pasta, so a hard shelled truffle with a ganache centre was an amazing feat - a lot of effort for my recipients at least!! It took days and hours...

Imo yanbu for the reasons stated by loads - and think those that think charity gifts aren't given to make the giver feel good are frankly self deluded , not to say a bit sanctimonious & self righteous. Not saying I don't think they're a good thing in lots of circumstances (when thought's been put into it, where gifts would otherwise be generic or meaningless) but totally understand that in op's case it showed a lack of thought and actually, smugness on the givers part. Reminds me of those that raise money to go on a "climb Mt Kilimanjaro" expedition or something to raise money whilst conveniently using a large chunk of the money to go on a holiday.

I agree givecarrotsachance.

I have never given a charit gift because I think the person does not give to charity, the exact reverse actually. I also don't mean to demean a gift that has been given to me, I have given the recipient something I think the will like and they have done the same to me.

I totally accept that sometimes people like a treat, I am human I just like to balance the treats with helping others who can't afford the basics.

I am sure that lots of the objections that can be raised against buying goats etc could also be raised against buying fairtrade tbh. Being an ethical consumer is not straightforward.

I think it was me that raised the word materialistic, that was with reference to one person and I think that was a point clearly made.

I really don't want to make people feel guilty about buying each other gifts, especially if Christmas is the one time of year when they can treat themselves. I would never buy someone a charity gift that would not want one.

IMO it's about the THOUGHT that goes into a present - whether it's a charity gift that means something to the recipient personally, or something the reciever will love.

Too many people avoid thinking of the recipient when they buy presents (hence 'tat') and just as many avoid thinking or any personal touch in buying charity gifts too.

YABU I'd love to be given a charity gift. I asked DH to give me that kind of gift for my birthday and he forgot and got me some good books, I was happy and grateful anyways.

Actually buying fairtrade is pretty solid ethically. It's a lot 'safer' than donating stuff, because it is buying from producers in those countries, rather than donating things, which can upset very fragile economies and end up bankrupting farmers. Whereas fairtrade co-operatives work with the communities to create long term jobs and opportunities.

StarExpat - I think homemade chocolates etc are lovely gifts - we do this quite a lot for the kids' teachers, and wrap them nicely etc. Shows thought and care, even if they don't cost a lot.

I think Hula has said it a lot better than I have been doing - that charitable giving is a personal thing, and shouldn't be linked to giving gifts to someone else.

I don't think you should give charity gifts to others.

I think you should ask others to buy charity gifts for you...

YANBU as this sort of present isn't a present at all. He is choosing to give money to charity and is involving you so he doesn't have to buy you a present as well.
I think people who want to buy charity gifts should just say I'm not getting you a present I'm giving to charity and then you could not buy him anything.
I suppose he is doing this by warning you in advance.
I'd just say "OK I won't buy you anything either, are we stopping exchanging xmas presents then?"
I presume his wife (or yours if he's an unmarried brother of your wife) is in agreement of the no more present buying.

I did this for my teenage niece and nephew. I got fed up with never ever getting a thank you - neither verbal or written. They get everything they want at Christmas anyway so I couldn't see the point in continuing to add to the present pile. It was good because I no longer had that 'why didn't they say thank you' niggle.

YABU. In our family we don't give adult brother and sisters presents. Christmas is not just about presents.

I like the idea of an adopt an animal present, it gives to charity but has a special, thoughtful, personal edge.

So, will you have to thank your BIL for your gift? How does that work then?

i generally always give a charity gift as well as a home made gift or a thoughtful wee present but i always make sure that i donate to a charity that is close to the persons heart that i am buying for and if they were against it then i would never offend them by doing that.

I would hate to be thought of by the person that i am buying for as sanctimonious as there is no intent like that at all, i'd be mortified if people thought that.

I think it is a lovely idea that people give to charity as a gift. It's far better than getting something pointless that u might only end up giving to a charity shop anyway!
If ur desperate for something in particular for Xmas then u should ask or drop big hints

Oh God, Lily. It would be so much more dignified if you just admitted you'd made a mistake. It's very clear that I've taken umbrage specifically at the fact that you've repeatedly made rude, wrongful assumptions about the motivations of vast numbers of people who give charity gifts. I've clearly not said that you are a materialistic person. I've clearly not "trawled through your posts" as if you're a politician blah blah blah. You asked me to show you where you referred to "everyone". I did exactly that. But you're still not happy and are still refusing to admit that your sweeping assumptions were wrong, and telling some sob story instead. FGS get over yourself.

As it happens I also very much agree with giving fairtrade gifts, which is why I've bought charity fairtrade gifts this year for the people who clearly don't like our previous gifts - we used to spend half the money for each person on charity donations and the other half on a nice luxury like posh chocs. They still went at the charity bit, but I never judged them for it. It is so wrong and offensive to assume that when I gave money to charities I was doing so to rub their noses in it/ massage my do-gooder ego/ make them out to be self-centred, materialistic egotists. If Lily has one single friend who does that, how on earth can she sensibly extrapolate that to represent all of us?

As for this stuff about charity donations being personal etc etc - surely gift buying is personal, full-stop, whether the gift is given to a charity or not? I have been given many gifts which I don't like, want or cannot use. I daresay that even the gift givers who were clearly choosing for their own tastes rather than thinking of mine were still hoping I would very much like their gifts - doesn't that make it personal? If someone is buying a surprise gift for us (i.e. not one we've asked for), how dare any of us presume that we have a right to demand how the giver spends their money, and get on our moral high horse about it?

a gift should never be expected
a gift should always be appreciated.
Giving a gift of school supplies, a goat...etc to people in need is a gift. It's meant to make the recipient feel good that the money meant to be spent on them on some piece of material is going to go to charity instead. Anyone would think that would make people feel good (not just the giver... ).

Lily - that friend was horribly selfish and please don't let that experience taint your view of most who give such gifts.

Someone made the comment about people giving charity gifts being "tight" or "cheap"
When I've given charity gifts the amount I've spent on them is always equivalent to the amount I would have spent on a gift and my donation to charity occurs in addition to this... not that money spent matters at all as a gift is a nice lovely gesture to be appreciated, never expected or judged.

I don't understand why people get wound up about receiving charity gifts. I gave some good friends one of the Oxfam ones for their wedding present last year, and they were thoroughly delighted. The way they saw it, they already had everything they wanted or needed, and really appreciated the gesture. They didn't buy me a wedding present as far as I can recall (we got married within 2 months of each other) but I didn't mind.

Hmm... maybe my friend is on this thread somewhere, slagging me off for being worthy/stingy!

I agree with natapillar's post above: I always get given 5 million bottle of bubble bath, and piles of stuff that ends up at the charity shop anyway (Pink Panther Yoga set, anyone?), so I'd rather people saved me the bother and cut out the middle man!

Do you know what, I don't think I have made a mistake. This thread is entitled 'Am I being unreasonable to not appreciate being given a charity gift?'.

Your premise is that it is a nice thing to get for someone IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT. So the answer to the OP has to be 'no yanbu'. And if you're not buying charity gifts to give yourself a 'feel good' feeling, then it's got to be about how the recipient feels, surely? In this case, the recipient was unhappy about it, so it was entirely for the benefit of the giver.

What's more, I don't agree with you that people don't buy them to 'feel good'. The 'good feeling' about giving to charity often comes from making the choice to do that, and then the actual giving. The recipient doesn't have that, the choice is made for them.

As far as the 'not agreeing with the charity' goes, it is because it is 'done in the recipient's name'. And that is the gift element. And if it's a charity you don't agree with (for example if you were a staunch atheist and the money was given to Christian Aid you might be a bit ), then it's quite reasonable to not want something 'done in your name'.

I haven't been rude on this thread at all. I think if you've agreed that you are going to do charity gifts then they're great. If you just do them for your family and friends without agreement, then you run the risk of them being;
disappointed
and
patronised
for the many reasons listed below. And whatever you say about you not giving to 'feel good' I think many people do just that. That's not rude, it's human nature.

To add (I never include everything I mean to), I'm certainly not the only person on this thread who thinks that some people (note the some) do it to feel good.

StarExpat - I don't think she realised she was doing it - she'd just decided she was 'doing a good thing' and therefore people who gave actual presents were 'bad' and not as 'virtuous' as she was.

Tbh, I think I'd much rather do homemade gifts, or small but much appreciated items, and give the difference in price to charity, without, as hula said, linking it to a gift for someone else. Then you're free from the risk of being patronising, still spending some time and thought on people you are giving gifts to, and still benefiting people in real need.