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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not appreciate being given a charity gift?

258 replies

JannerBird · 19/12/2009 20:52

BIL has sent me and my DH a card saying that he has made a donation to a charity on our behalf for our christmas present. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a crap present? Can't help thinking that a donation to charity should be a private thing. At the very least I would have appreciated the chance to donate to a charity of our choice?

OP posts:
angelfire · 20/12/2009 16:44

I donate to Charity throughout the year (my time and also my money).

In general I would not donate to charity instead of buying a gift.

My donations to charity are personal and don't need to substitute any presents. IMO it smacks of self indulgent, patronising oneupmanship.

The only time I have given to charity is when my dear (late teenage) nieces (for 3 years running) have not had the manners to even acknowledge (let alone say thank you) for their gifts.

In that circumstance I felt someone else would appreciate the money more.

But I suppose that that is a negative rather than a positive choice

Oh well bah humbug

sarah293 · 20/12/2009 16:44

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LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 16:48

But a present doesn't have to be 'tat'. For example, for my parents and my MIL one of their presents each year is a CD of our nicest photographs from the year, so that they can print off any pictures they particularly like. I would never give anyone 'tat'.

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 16:50

And actually, my 'feel good' about giving comes from thinking about what each person would like, and finding just the right thing So for example, my friend who got married a couple of weeks ago was interesting to buy for, as she and her new dh have just got loads of wedding gifts, I figured they wouldn't want any 'house stuff', so I have bought them some beautiful plants which I know they will enjoy.

sarah293 · 20/12/2009 16:55

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cakewench · 20/12/2009 16:55

Anyone have a link for the recent newspaper article re: charity gifting that hatwoman mentioned earlier? Or if you know which paper it appeared in, I'll just search, myself. I'd love to see what it says. :D

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 16:57

Well, that's why we try to be imaginative with the gifts, and don't just buy tat. Quite often they will be homemade presents, like the CD of pictures - given that my parents live 300 miles away I know the pics are very much appreciated. Equally, if I've made a new recording or something like that then I will give them a copy. That sort of thing. A present doesn't have to be 'stuff'.

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 17:01

Interesting article - why giving a goat hinders those in poverty

Times article

and the initial report

HarrietTheSpy · 20/12/2009 17:15

Thinking about this some more what I think I will suggest next year is that we don't just bag the whole gift exchange thing (which until this year was some people getting goats, and others who didn't evidently already have 'everything they need' getting gifts) but agree AS A FAMILY that we will pool together and give a donation to a charity AS WELL. Everyone could get a turn to nominate their charity of the year.

I definitely want to include a giving component to our XMAS celebrations - and think it will be cool if the DDs started to engage with this too.

now it's just raising this with the ILs politely...

cakewench · 20/12/2009 17:28

Thanks for the links, Lily!

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 17:33

This might be the one hatwoman was talking about

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 20/12/2009 17:34

Lily - perhaps you give money to charity to make yourself feel good, but I assure you that plenty of us don't.

And frankly, given the choice between (a) a gift bought by someone who was thinking of what they'd like rather than what I might like (which is what happens), and (b) a charity donation given to make the giver feel good - I'll happily take the latter.

Harriet - we are doing something similar to you this year (i.e. joint donation), except that we're only giving one present each, Secret Santa stylee.

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 17:40

MerryXmasMrsHenry - where did I say that? Please don't put words in my mouth.

I give to charity, not to 'make myself feel good' but because I think it is a good thing to do, and our duty when we have so much. What I don't do is impose giving on others by giving their presents to charity.

I wonder how many goats are bought on people's OWN behalf, rather than as gifts for others.

Also, if you're religious, there is a quote in Matthew (Matthew 6), about 'if you do a good deed, do it in secret, don't tell everyone about it.'

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 20/12/2009 17:44

Lily - you were making HUGE sweeping assumptions that people who buy charity gifts are doing it to make themselves feel good. You've said that several times. I therefore think it's perfectly fair to make a huge sweeping assumption that you think this because that's what motivates you to give. If that's not the case then perhaps you should open your mind a little towards others, no? Log in one's own eye and all that (since we're quoting from Matthew)?

Ponders · 20/12/2009 17:49

From that DM piece by Virginia Ironside:

"A gift to a charity like this is so wretchedly patronising, too. It's saying, in effect: 'I'm sure you would prefer a box of handmade chocolates, but I am appealing to your better nature and making an unselfish decision on your behalf.'"

This is the attitude to charity gifts that I just don't get - it isn't saying "I'm sure you would prefer blah blah" - if I honestly thought someone really wanted more sodding mindless chocolates then I would give those, not the goat or whatever.

The alleged patronising smugness is in the mind of the receiver, not the giver (& says more about them than about the giver IMHO )

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 17:50

Well, try opening your own eyes.

When I was given a goat by my friend, it was done in such a way as to not only involve her donating my present to charity, but also to try to make me feel small for having spent a lot of time finding her something she would really like (that was also ethical and fairtrade, as are most of the presents I give). What's that if not designed to make the giver feel good. How much thought of 'what will my friend really like for christmas?' actually went into that (considering that they bought the same for everyone).

Like I said, if that's what someone wants you to do for Christmas, great, but don't assume that someone will be delighted because you've donated their present to charity. Which is where the 'feeling good for the giver not the receiver' comes in. And it doesn't make you a less good person to not be delighted with a goat! I just can't really see the point of giving a present that isn't a present, unless that's what the person wants.

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 20/12/2009 17:51

So Lily, you're assuming that everyone else is like your friend? How interesting.

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 17:53

(Just to add, what happened with the goat referred to below; I gave my friend her present, which, as stated, was carefully chosen, both for what she would like, and also to be fairtrade as I like to support fairtrade businesses whenever I can. She opened it, said thank you etc etc. Then handed me an envelope and said 'Here's your present - we've decided to be ethical this christmas and give goats...'.

Suggesting that the gift I had just that second given her was not in fact ethical, and that she was a better person than me, because HER gift was a goat. Didn't make me happy, because of the attitude that went with it, so she got the 'feel good' feeling from the goat AND the gift from me (despite regarding it as terribly unethical, despite being fairtrade... )

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 17:54

Oh fgs, I'm not assuming anything, I'm saying this is how it CAN be.

You're assuming that no-one is like that.

Ponders · 20/12/2009 17:56

Supposing she'd given you your goat, with the same comment, before you gave her your present, Lily - would you still have inferred the same message from what she said?

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 17:56

One of the marketing points of charity gifts is 'it's a selfless thing to do, thinking about others less fortunate at Christmas'. But if you do it as a gift, then you're being SELFLESS ON SOMEONE ELSE'S BEHALF.

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 20/12/2009 17:57

Lily, you presented your story about your friend as a way of disproving my statement that not everyone gives to please themselves. If you meant it any other way you needed to be clearer about it.

I said "plenty of us don't" give that way. Do you really take that to mean "no-one is like that" (as you said)???

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 17:57

Ponders, well, knowing her, yes, it was made to show me how good she was.

LilyBolero · 20/12/2009 18:01

No, because nowhere have I said 'EVERYONE gives goats because of this.'

I personally think there are better ways of helping others at Christmas - either by giving to charity on your own behalf, or buying ethical and fairtrade presents (did I mention that btw?). Someone I know works out their budget for their family presents, then adds an extra person in, divides the budget between the number of people (so if you have 4 people - mum, dad, 2 children, then divide into 5), and give the leftover portion to charity.

That seems to me to be a much more 'selfless' way of giving.

whomovedmychocolate · 20/12/2009 18:01

Think I'd rather send my MiL an actual goat actually. It would be nice to have someone of her own species to converse with.

Charity gifts are patronising IMHO. Ditto people who send emails saying 'we haven't bothered sending cards but have made a donation on your behalf.' Well geez thanks . Personally I make charitable donations monthly and yet still seem able to schlepp down to Sainsburys for a box of cards