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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not appreciate being given a charity gift?

258 replies

JannerBird · 19/12/2009 20:52

BIL has sent me and my DH a card saying that he has made a donation to a charity on our behalf for our christmas present. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a crap present? Can't help thinking that a donation to charity should be a private thing. At the very least I would have appreciated the chance to donate to a charity of our choice?

OP posts:
LongStory · 19/12/2009 23:50

sorry am way off track from OP. Always been a big fan of charity gifts, especially goats chickens and toilets. YABU IMO...

AliBellandthe40jingles · 19/12/2009 23:56

Have to say that I hate charity gifts, they are FAR more about the giver than the receiver.

I can honestly say that I would be gutted to open something on Christmas morning and it be a goat or a loo or something.

Morosky · 20/12/2009 00:11

I suppose we are all different, I would be chuffed.

pigletmania · 20/12/2009 00:40

YANBU at all i love a present at christmas however crap it is lol, thats the whole beauty of it all. Though from a moral standpoint the charity gift is better.

HarrietTheSpy · 20/12/2009 02:27

YANBU - in my opinion that is.

My in laws (well MIL) started this a couple of years ago with us (not the DCs). This year we gave her the same back! She was VERY quiet over dinner.

This year it has felt like every farthing of my paycheck has gone out to others one way or another and feel very guilty treating myself to anything. As I am certain pretty much every parent of young kids does from time to time! And I would have been really really appreciative of something special, just for me or for me and DH together, as a treat. I wasn't at all in the mood for her sanctimonious card: "I'm sure you would be really glad your Christmas gift was going to others."

She does think DH and I have everything "we need." And it is annoying to be on the receiving end of that sort of sentiment.

I wonder what she will do next year. She's not particularly great at putting herself in other people's shoes - she won't have thought through whether this is something SHE would like to receive herself.

HarrietTheSpy · 20/12/2009 02:34

And as for the posters talking about this being better than giving tat or stuff -

Why not just ask the person you care about what sort of things they would appreciate? And buy one of those things.

Or offer to do something like babysit? or whatever.

Doesn't have to be expensive or plastic tat.

ChippingIn · 20/12/2009 03:41

I'm with Hulababy - so 'what she said'!

nooka · 20/12/2009 05:26

I sent my family eCards with donations from my favourite charity this year (Sightsavers). For my parents I chose a cataract operation (my father had one of his eyes done this year), for my big sister a braille machine, for my brother six pairs of glasses, and for my middle sister a donation towards a more general education campaign. They came with really nice photographs, and didn't cost very much more than buying nice cards and sending them (all at overseas rates). It's a great charity because it's very tangible, and as I have very poor eyesight always seems quite apt. I've been supporting it since I was at school (when we raised enough money to support a whole eye camp, and got a great letter saying how many people's sight had been saved, and the advice they had been able to give, and the medication and preventative care too).

I've already had a very appreciative email from my big sister, and I think they would all have been pleased. But I have also sent them carefully chosen presents - the eCards were a spur of the moment thing (and cost the equivalent of perhaps two more presents between them).

traceybath · 20/12/2009 07:40

Loving fabio and laquitar.

I agree charity gifts should only be given to those who actively want them.

Not all other gifts are tat - I get lovely gifts.

I do think a lot is about the giver's motivation as well.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 20/12/2009 08:19

He's trying to make himself feel good.

You should tell him that you won't stop him donating to charity but he should still buy you a present.

NotTheVirginMaryOhNo · 20/12/2009 08:30

I'd rather have a charity gift than a crap gift. At least it wasn't your DH that did it...

sherby · 20/12/2009 08:36

It doesn't have to be a crap gift

They could just give you the money instead

catastrojb · 20/12/2009 08:40

tricky and interesting question. i can totally see the moral reasons for buying charity gifts, but i am not sure i would want to give one. i love choosing presents that i know the recipients would want - real, tangible things (and i do know a couple of people who would want a charity gift but then they ask for it and that is a different matter), to me gift-buying is part of the christmas fun. i don't spend loads - i have a very large family and very small funds! but i don't buy tat either and no-one does for me. i agree with all the posters who say that charity gifts, if they haven't been specifically requested and the receiver hasn't chosen the charity, are about the giver and IMO that doesn't make it a thoughtful gift but a bit of a self-indulgent cop-out.
i also agree with harrietthespy that this year having had a new baby and no money spent on myself to contend with, i would quite like a treat.....i suspect that in the eyes of some that makes me rather shallow and materialistic.
oh, and i give to charity/donate blood/volunteer myself anyway - not sure i really need anyone doing it for me...
fascinating answers from everyone!

catastrojb · 20/12/2009 08:41

ooh - sorry, i should have included some spaces in that message; bit hard to read! oops

Goblinchild · 20/12/2009 08:43

"She then really annoyed me by giving DD a homeopathic remedy without asking me, so I thought 'sod it' and gave her a goat for Christmas."

I think the charities should seize on this as a new advertising campaign. The perfect revenge gift, forget being a virtuous and smug goodie goodie. Payback time. Buy your MIL an Ethiopian toilet block for Christmas.
Everyone wins, the upsurge in gifts would be huge. I'm sure someone could come up with an appropriate gift card!

BAUBLEnod · 20/12/2009 08:46

I love charity gifts and would always prefer to receive them (but then, I work for a charity that does them so I may be somewhat biased...)

We gave charity gifts to all the adults we were buying for along with homemade boxes of Christmassy sweets last year and it went down a storm with everyone apart from MIL

So based on my limited experience of charity gift giving YABU as you have responded in the same way as my MIL

NB - I wouldn't just give a charity gift, I'd always give something small alongside it, so perhaps YANBentirelyU

Ponders · 20/12/2009 11:29

Clearly all that Christmas tat in the shops is never bought by anyone on MN then

NotTheVirginMaryOhNo · 20/12/2009 12:24

My SIL always buys crap gifts in the January sales (wonders if she should namechange for saying this...?

TheFoosa · 20/12/2009 12:29

"Me? It's Christmas and I want Stuff. It ain't all about the baybee Jeepers.

"

pmsl at the cat, you is on form

fluffles · 20/12/2009 12:38

a lot of charity gifts smack of lack of thought to me. i don't care what people spend on me but i'd like my close friends and family to think about me for a moment and get me something i'd actually like.

so i think that charity gifts are fine instead of cards, or from companies, or for teachers/nursery or for distant rellies that you would just buy something really generic for.

but for someone who really deserves more than five minutes of your thought then they're a cop-out.

the only exception here is if you get something really strongly individual. it might work occassionally. but not often and can't be applied accross the board to save actually thinking about people.

sarah293 · 20/12/2009 12:55

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TheArmadillo · 20/12/2009 12:59

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

I think it is one thing to say 'I think I have plenty of stuff, I don't need any more. Please don't buy me gifts or donate money to charity on my behalf'

It is another to say 'thank you for all these lovely thoughtful things you bought me'. Then 'I think you are too selfish and materialistic so while I will take this stuff from you because I deserve it I have given your gift to charity because you don't'.

I also think that it can show very little thought towards the recipient. Not always but sometimes. And also I have always believed that giving to charity should be some sacrifice on the part of the person giving and be done quietly not loudly in order to get praise. Charity gifts provide only sacrifice on the part of the person receiving them so pointless imo if someone else takes that decision for them.

I have received charity gifts from relatives we rarely see and have been very pleased with them. However on both sides we probably don't know each other well enough to buy something thoughtful and we were happy with this compromise. Also it was a charity I agreed with.

sarah293 · 20/12/2009 13:13

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BendyBob · 20/12/2009 13:27

Yanbu.

Ok to give to charity but it's the 'making a point' via a present to a third party that grates.

Heated · 20/12/2009 13:49

Have an aunt and uncle who support a fundamental religious group, they give a donation of money to them instead of sending presents. It makes them feel warm and fuzzy; it just irks us. None of the family expect or want a present - we don't send them one - but wish they'd cut us out of the equation!

Do like the idea of buying a charity gift instead of sending cards, especially instead of sending them numerous work colleagues.