to not appreciate being given a charity gift?

[JannerBird]

BIL has sent me and my DH a card saying that he has made a donation to a charity on our behalf for our christmas present. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is a crap present? Can't help thinking that a donation to charity should be a private thing. At the very least I would have appreciated the chance to donate to a charity of our choice?

YANBU - the charity gifts represent no sacrifice on the part of the giver, but a forced 'sacrifice' on the part of the receiver, who may not agree with the charity chosen, or who have put a lot of thought into a carefully chosen present for the giver.

I try and buy fairtrade/ethical presents for people for Christmas - they get a lovely present, and it benefits communities in disadvantaged countries. Win-win. They don't just get a crappy picture of a goat, whilst the giver gets a warm feeling of 'I'm such a good person for donating YOUR present to charity.'

I think it's a little odd that so many people are saying that they want to be able to choose their charity to make sure it's one they support. I mean, the whole point about presents is that you don't (usually) get to choose what exactly it is or where exactly it comes from, do you? What's the difference between someone buying you something from a charity that doesn't happen to be your favourite one and someone buying you something from a shop that you have ethical or personal dislike for?

Also, how come it's ok to give charity presents only if someone asks for them? I've always thought it's a bit crass to ask for specific presents, but wouldn't mind a charity present at all.

By ToFalalalola Sun 20-Dec-09 13:57:19 "What's the difference between someone buying you something from a charity that doesn't happen to be your favourite one and someone buying you something from a shop that you have ethical or personal dislike for?"

No difference - surely you'd be perfectly reasonable to not appreciate being given either of these by somebody who you would hope knew a little bit about you?

It just seems a little odd to me that people seem to think they are entitled to a present.

YANBU its fine if you know that the receiver will be pleased and choose a charity they would choose to support but if its not then it seems a bit selfish to me.More about the giver than the recipient.

Twinkleandpearls I think the point is that the BIL in question would be more honest to say "I'm not buying you a present this year because I've decided to give the money to charity instead". In this case, he shouldn't expect a present from the OP either.

It is a fairly established principle that families exchange gifts at christmas, so people both give and receive.

I just don't get the idea that adults want or expect Christmas presents, it seems so childish. Presents are nice. Dp, dd and my mum have bought me some presents although they are quite small and things I would have needed so I would have bought anyway. If someone bought me a charity gift I would be quite touched. Infact if someone asks me what I want I always say a charity gift and if they want to buy something for me, because I acknowledge that people like to buy each other presents,I say something small.

Most of the presents I give out tend to be homemade or a charity gift with a small token from us. My younger sister is quite materialistic so we have bought her a proper gift. My other sister is a nurse so we have made a donation to a related charity and bought her a small gift. Even for dd she gets a present and then we make a donation to charity and let her know.

I thought the whole point of giving was not to recieve something in return.

If someone gave me a charity gift I would take it as a compliment that they thought I was someone who would appreciate it.

The charity gift thing is not a gift for the recipient. It is a gift for the sender. End of. It's makes the sender feel warm and fuzzy. But they do it in the name of somebody else so they can look terribly virtuous. I actually think it's really mean-spirited and a bit offensive. As if I wouldn't donate to charity if you weren't there to do it for me. I can't stand it. Smug. Smug. Smug.

I'm not disagreeing with you Twinkle (except perhaps your "childish" comment). In my family we do presents that are £10-15 and, as you say, things that we needed and so would have bought anyway.

Twinkleandpearls you're just too good to be true aren't you?

Winterwonderland if you give charity gifts to people who will appreciate them it is a gift for the reciever as well.

Hardly BellsandSmells I am in a foul mood today as I have a bad head and have skived church to sit on the sofa with the dog and stare at crap tv.

I don't think giving gifts is childish, I think expecting them is tbh.

I don't expect a gift, and I love charity gifts, but I do agree with those who point out that it's all about the giver feeling virtuous if it's unsolicited. Much better to have an agreement about it between two parties who both make a donation.

I also agree that it makes a difference which charity it goes to. I make donations to charities who support indigenous missionaries for example, and I wouldn't think of giving a gift to them on behalf of an atheist friend.

I think charity gifts are great and we always suggest them if we're asked for ideas. For the first few years after our wedding we asked people to buy us things through Oxfam and enjoyed seeing what people had chosen - we'd been given everything we needed for our home as wedding presents and had no need for more things. It worked well for te ILs who always want to spend X amount on each person in the interests of fairness as this way they could spend it on our behalf. For DD's first Christmas (she was 20 days old) we 'gave' her a midwife's training and we'll be doing the same for littlest DD who is 6 months old. For their baptisms we asked that anyone who wished to buy a gift to mark the occasion opted for something along the lines of a charity gift.

However only once or twice have we given them to others within the family, once was to my brother who is a gadget-freak, buys everything he fancies and is hard to buy for. He supports various charities and the gift we donated in lieu of giving him a present was something very much related to his work/interests. He was thrilled that we'd chosen something appropriate for someone else instead of adding to his showergel collection/buying him vouchers which is what his wife always suggests.

Charity gifts should be given to people who would otherwise get tat as they have everything they could ever need.#

HOWEVER

My friend says her dad (v well off) is getting her a charity gift this year, and she's gutted. She's so so skint, really needs new clothes, boots, gloves, etc, and basically £50 would have gone a long way in her house.

I agree with others ...if you want to give to charity, then do so, but not on someone elses behalf unless they ask.

My chosen charities vary from year to year depending on what has happened to us, family or not etc. MIL once asked for a charity gift and we went along with it, cos she asked and it was a charity she felt strongly about. Otherwise keep your charity giving to yourself...

And wants wrong with a present at Christmas. For many people its the only time they may get girt, or a bit of a treat and get something they may not necesarily buy for themselves. Doesn't have to be much...just a bit of thought...

I think that is OPs original point that her BIL didn;t think of her...

My mum did this to me last year for my birthday. I did a gift list with oxfam having picked out the stuff I wanted to donate. So I sent out the list, but my mum donated for sponsoring a new chair in her church.
At the time this annoyed me because I didn't want to donate to the church.
Thinking about it though, I think it was more useful way of spending her money than buying me some useless crap because I didn't have a list of stuff i wanted/needed.
This year I am pregnant and hormonal and watched this advert on tv for salvation army with a kid who had no christmas presents. So me and dh made a donation instead of buying eachother presents.
So on balance don't really know if yabu or not!!!

Lots of it depends on how it's given as well. I have had 2 goats - one from an uncle and aunt, which was happily received - they sent a M&S voucher and a goat. One less so - it was sent by friends who basically said 'we have SO much and some people have so little so we decided not to buy gifts for people this year, but give goats instead.'

But they still received presents from everyone, so they were basically saying 'YOU have so much, we're going to give YOUR gift to someone else.' But they felt all virtuous about it, even though actually they made their lives easier by not having to think about presents for their friends/family, and didn't donate money they wouldn't have been spending anyway. We give to charity in any case, and I'm all for giving a bit extra of our OWN money at Christmas, but not siphoning off what we would spend on others in order to make ourselves feel good. Which is essentially what the goat gifts are.

Entirely different if the recipient says 'actually I don't need anything, get me a goat.'

That's why I like getting fairtrade gifts for people - there are beautiful gifts available and you BOTH benefit.

I like presents. I don't have the money to buy myself much the rest of the year so it is a nice opportunity to get things that I want. That said I only get prezzies from DH and my mum, but I would be disappointed with a charity gift from one of them. If you want to give to charity forgo your own treats not other people's. I already give to charity when I can.

Don't agree with pointless tat though. Lots of people are too lazy to put any thought into what people really want . (HINT: It's not a goat!)

This thread just goes to show how utterly obsessed with stuff we are in the West. I hope the OP and others who say she's NBU realise how bloody lucky we are to even be in a position to debate this issue.

I would far, far rather have someone buy a gift that's going to be useful to someone else who has NOTHING, than to be bought yet more crap that I don't like or need or want, just because some relative who doesn't know me or my tastes very well feels compelled to buy me something, anything, just because it's Xmas.

So yes, YAB extremely U and self-centred.

I don't think it is at all being 'obssessed by stuff' tbh. I would be really happy with a gift of 'an evening's babysitting' or the 'promise of a walk in the country'. Presents don't have to be 'stuff'.

The point about a charity gift, as has been made many times on this thread, is that they are bought by people to make THEMSELVES feel good. They're not about the people they've bought them for. They're about buying YOURSELF a warm feeling about 'doing good' when in fact you've simply donated someone else's present. Very generous.

our bosses at work did this. instead of sending the staff a christmas card they bought a goat. can't help but think that's a bit of a cop out really, why didn't they send charity christmas cards. buying your staff a goat is hardly a way of saying thanks for all the hard work you've done this year is it?

bah humbug.

I sent one to an old mate of my dad's once who was having a big 70th birthday bash which I couldn't make it to

message "one old goat to another"

but wouldn't generally do them, I think it's a bit cringeworthy

my reaction to being bought one would depend very much on who bought it - from some friends it would make me smile and think "cool", and others I would roll my eyes and think" yeah, yeah"

it depends on the intent, I think

certainly wouldn't grieve for the gift that could have been

But lily if you give them to someone who wants them you both get that good feeling and someone benefits. Win win then

Twinkle, absolutely, I said further down the thread that it's great if people ask for people to give them a goat. Isn't usually the way it works though.

I don't expect ANYONE to get me a gift. At all. For example, I know for a fact that dh hasn't this year, so I won't have any gifts on Christmas Day. That's fine. I'll be just as happy watching the kids and dh open theirs, as long as we all have a nice day together.

But, giving someone a gift that isn't really a gift is weird. Like inviting someone round for a meal, but then giving it to someone else. You'd prefer not to be invited in the first place I guess.

I think I look at it more from the point of view of the giver than the receiver - I wouldn't want to give such a gift, as I think it is a cop out, is an easy way of 'ticking off the names on the Christmas list' without giving it much thought (can do a job lot online), and feeling all good about yourself. Which is why I would buy (as I've said all along) fairtrade gifts, which benefit the receiver and the villages that have made them. Last year I gave lots of my female friends/relations beautiful beaded scarves a bit like this which they loved, wore immediately, and frequently since, and benefited the small local business that stocks them (and is a totally fairtrade business) AND the village from where they are sourced.

This year I have bought some recycled and fairtrade bowls from Shared Earth (again a totally fairtrade shop), that are beautiful, and fairtrade chocolates, fairtrade wine etc.