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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

360 replies

MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:16

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 14:34

Why don't people just take invitations in the spirit they are intended? If you think it is rude or unpleasant than politely turn it down. I find it very strange that people go to something that they are quite happy with until they discover that someone else got more! You must be a very dissatisfied person if you spend your time adding up what everyone got.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 22/12/2009 14:34

I imagined anyone that would go out for dinner and then meet up with others for drinks are more likely to be people already in a pub/bar or whatever.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 14:37

Why would you imagine that? I would expect they went especially.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 22/12/2009 14:37

You don't associate with 'drinkers'-you mean anyone who ever drinks alcohol?? I know plenty of people who don't drink but no one who refuses to associate with those who like a glas of wine.

particuarly not 'pub drinkers'. I wouldn't have clasiofied myself this way, but i will have to admit to having occasionally had a drink in a pub, even since having children.

hmm, well I was going to post my opinion on the OP but I feel that myself, and all the normal middle class, educatde professional, responsible, parents that I socialise with have such a differing world view and experience form the OP that my views are irrelevent here.

So I'll go and get ready for the birthday party I'm going to for the Mum from school who hasn't invited every mum from school and where alcohl will be drunk by some .

piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 14:43

I don't know if I am a 'pub drinker' or not! I arrange to meet sometimes in a pub for a meal or a drink, so I would be quite happy to meet for a drink on a birthday. However I wouldn't just happen to be in a pub anyway.

Fibilou · 22/12/2009 14:49

This discussion is turning into Groundhog Day.

ImSoNotTelling · 22/12/2009 15:04

How bizarre.

This was something I did a couple of times before we all had children, so babysitters etc not an issue. It's not something I would do now, mainly because I never seem to go out at all. Interestingly quite a few people are upset that I never go out, while I have never had any negative comments about arrangements I have made in the past.

What is this "being there already" business?

It's quite simple. Invite close friends x, y and z for a meal at a restaurant. Have a nice time. Tell everyone else that you'll be in pub A having a drink from 9. Go to pub after meal, for 9. Other friends all convene. Have a drink and a good time.

I think the thing you are missing is that my friends normally like to celebrate my birthday, as they are my friends. They come because they enjoy themselves, not because there is something in it for them. They come with a happy smile and looking forward to enjoying themselves, not with a surly approach looking out for things to get offended about.

I also find it hard to believe that you have never been to a pub, or know anyone who has ever had a drink in a pub.

ImSoNotTelling · 22/12/2009 15:06

I actually think you are quite mad. Sorry but I really do. You must spend your whole life getting really upset about things which other people see as completely normal. So they're going to keep happening, as they are normal.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 22/12/2009 15:27

Iamsoinagreement with Iamsonottelling

Interesting personal abuse coming out from MsDoctor. Reckon I shan't invite her to my birthday then.

KERALA1 · 22/12/2009 15:50

I agree with OP. A "friend" at school did this when we were 14ish. She invited 8 of us to her house, but only 4 were invited to sleep over. I still remember the feeling when my mum came to get me. She did it because she was a bitch basically so yes I think its a shoddy way of arranging your social life. Also shudder at the "B" list wedding guest thing. Yuck.

Fibilou · 22/12/2009 16:34

Slight difference is that in OPs case it was only a third of the children, they were 7 and it was not done to be bitchy, her son didn't even know about it. Bitchiness in teenage girls is a completely different kettle of fish to a few 7 year olds staying on because that's all their parents can manage.

Fibilou · 22/12/2009 16:35

And I would rather pay for my fave wedding guests to have a really good time and my work colleagues and less close friends to have a good time rather than invite everyone for something shit.

piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 17:17

I ought to stay away from this thread, but I keep getting drawn to it-the attitudes are so amazing and I have never come across them in RL!

No one is talking about bitchy teenage girls-did you really want to sleep over at her house?!!

I can't get my head around the fact that being invited to a party to celebrate a friend's wedding is putting you on the 'B' list and you are entitled to go to it all.

Not all friends are equal! I have very close friends and not so close friends. I still really like the not so close friends but they realise that they are not so close-I am not so close on their list! Are people not supposed to have best friends? Is the friend that I made a few months ago and see once a week equal to an old friend that I have known for 30yrs and been through thick and thin with? I expect I am on some friend's C list but I don't expect to be on everyone's A list.

Would it be OK for the birthday DC to have a friend to stay the night before, or the night after? Would it be OK to have a friend who was deliberately excluded from the party, to be fair? Should the mother have put a big notice on the front door saying 'David and Tom are staying the night BUT it isn't part of the party. We are welcoming you all to go ice skating to celebrate the birthday.'Is the birthday boy not allowed special best friends? Does he have to like all his guests equally?

Why do people want their young DC to spend a sleepless, uncomfortable night in a stranger's house?!

Next time I get an invitation I must remember to ask who else is going, and what precisely they have been invited to, and then if I find that they are getting more than me I can refuse it!!

spicemonster · 22/12/2009 17:30

FOR THE AVOIDANCE OF DOUBT: Some children were not sent home. Just some of them didn't go back to the birthday boy's house.

In any event, as the OP stated on about page 234 of this thread, she wouldn't have let her DS go to a sleepover anyway as she thinks he is too young so this whole thread is a moot point.

I shall have a look at what Debrett's advises on the matter and get back to you all - it's the only way to settle it once and for all I think

ImSoNotTelling · 22/12/2009 17:40

It does throw up a huge number of social no-nos doesn't it.

When at university, sometimes a couple of friends would come round and we would have a drink while getting ready to go and meet the others.

WRONG.

At school before parties I used to meet one or two of my friends and we would spend ages doing our makeup before going to the party, where we would see everyone else.

DISGRACEFUL.

When working in offices, it has always been the case that there are different friendship groups. In some cases I have been on a team where 3 of the 5 people were friends and went for lunch together, the other 2 (including me) were not invited. Did I mind? Of course not.

INCORRECT RESPONSE - SHOULD BE VERY VERY ANGRY.

This rule must mean, depending on your personality, that you spend most of your life either livid or in floods of tears. And all because people are doing things which are normal.

You need to RELAX IMVHO.

piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 17:47

Just remember one point-you can't be everyone's special friend.

spicemonster · 22/12/2009 18:00

To me that's the main point though piscesmoon - if you treat everyone equally then you're doing yourself out of making close friendships. How horrible

MorrisZapp · 22/12/2009 18:07

I actively avoid nights out with friends who invite everybody they're on friendly terms with.

I don't want to spend time with randoms!

People are allowed to have all different levels of friendship - that's life.

Why should anybody have to invite people to events out of pity, duty or emotional blackmail?

I'd rather hang out with people of my own choosing, and kids are no different.

piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 19:12

I am not doing myself out of close friendships-the fairly friendly might become best friends in due course. My DS's have had close friendships and they have changed over the years, but 18yr old DS is now out with 2 boys he has known since he started pre school. They are special friends. He has new friends from university. Some are closer than others. There is nothing at all wrong with this!!! I defy anyone to say that they like every friend equally, and they have an equal relationship with all.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 22/12/2009 19:28

ImSoNotTelling.... Are a bit thick? I only ask as you can't quite get a grasp of my point.

Now I hide this thread, safe in the knowledge that there are some other parents with the same ideas as me and many who don't value the same good manners and consideration.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 22/12/2009 19:38

oh dear i m out have some lovely festive

ImSoNotTelling · 22/12/2009 19:49

ROFL yes, saying it is self important for someone to go out for a meal on their birthday followed by a drink is completely sane, and if you don't agree you must be thick

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 23/12/2009 08:43

Guys! I think she's gone. Who wants to come back for more drinks and a sleepover at my house ? She'll never realise there was an after-party so she won't be all !

Oblomov · 23/12/2009 09:00

Ha ha Working.
You know when someones post just just really gets your goat, and you can't resist posting ??
MsDoctor has done that to me. when she said, that she was off, safe in the knowledge that she cares and shows consideration.
Like an arrogance. As if implying that the rest of us don't crae, or are not considerate or don't have high morals.
BUT I DO.
I do care. I do show consideration. and i don't want any child to be upset, or left out, excluded.
But I have also explained to ds1(5) that he "can't get invited to every party". He is fine about this.

So is it just us mums that can't agree ? because believe me, all the 5 yr olds I know, just don't care.

I don't think that Op or msdoctor have the right to think that any of us who disagree with them are not considerate. I am. I just think they have not got this balanced.

But don't tell me that i'm inconsiderate. becasue that really gets my goat.

ImSoNotTelling · 23/12/2009 10:07

Oh don't worry about it oblomov, it's one of those where OP is so bizarre it's funny.

I also love it when they run away saying "I don't care anyway, and I'm right"

Let's go to the party at workingitoutasIgo's, I'm going to bring a cheese and pineapple hedgehog and wear my best party trousers. Do you want to grab some food first?

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