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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

360 replies

MsDoctor · 19/12/2009 18:16

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 21/12/2009 14:48

Good post from sparklefrog.

Actually, I am not so sure the OP is so considerate and kind about others as she thinks she is. Look at this situation from a different angle - her ds is new to a school and has clearly made friends and been invited to a relatively small birthday party. I think that's something to be really genuinely pleased about.

Instead, she is treating it as an insult and being all negative and unhappy because her ds wasn't also invited to the sleepover which was a separate event, albeit on the same day. I think it is so sad that she if making a negative thing out of a positive thing, and don't think she is being anything like as nice as she thinks she is. Instead she is being critical and judgemental about some people who have reached out the hand of friendship to her ds.

I hope she is right that he is not aware of the issue, nor of her 'secret' feelings about it, and that she is managing to keep them hidden too. Because if her response to a nice gesture is to be this resentful I bet it shows a little bit - and if I were the inviter and felt that someone I was making a nice gesture to was actually resenting me for not making an even nicer gesture then I think I might not bother with them in future.

Far better to bring your dc up to be genuinely grateful and appreciative of whatever they do get, rather than resentful that they don't get more, IMVHO.

So OP, I hope this has been a useful learning exercise. The huge number of posters who have written that YABU shows that this is a perfectly OK thing to do and you will be much happier if you accept that and stop trying to argue that it is wrong and unpleasant. That way you won't give off negative vibes and you can enjoy each little small positive gesture people make for what it is. They are being NICE!!!

Metella · 21/12/2009 14:48

Because I can't understand why I would leave my children overnight with people who are practically strangers. And I certainly wouldn't want the responsibility of other people's children overnight either!

Maybe it is because I'm not English but I had never even heard of sleepovers until I came here.

ReindeerInaSkoda · 21/12/2009 15:02

I don't think many people leave their dcs overnight with people they don't actually know, Metella. Chances are that by the time the dc are 7 or 8 you'll know their friends' parents fairly well.

I loved staying at friends' houses as a child. I don't think we called them sleepovers though back then though (is the name a US import, like "slumber party"?). I quite like ds having a friend over too - they have a great time.

ReindeerInaSkoda · 21/12/2009 15:04

though back then though? I'm turning into a Harry Enfield scouser!

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 15:46

OP's DC was new to the area though and so didn't know the family well-so in her case I would be grateful that a, they had thought of a new boy and b, I didn't have the dilemma of does a 7 yr old stay over with people he doesn't know well.

'Far better to bring your dc up to be genuinely grateful and appreciative of whatever they do get, rather than resentful that they don't get more, IMVHO.'

That is the way I work but I am beginning to think I am peculiar.
For example when mine were at primary school I was aware that a group of parents hired a hall and had a Christmas Party, by invitation only-I think that most parents were aware. When DS3 got to year 6 I became friendly with a couple through football and DH and were invited-we went and had a lovely time. However I can see that we should have turned it down because we had been missed for the previous 4 yrs! We should have been even crosser the next year when we had moved schools and no one gave us an invitation!! As it was we took it as a one off and had a great party. Possibly some of them went back to someone's house afterwards-I will never know-or care!
I think that DCs make much better friends if they don't go around with expectations of entitlement.

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 15:51

thats right working and Pisces i totally agree, it was nice that the dc got invited to the party full stop and as a parent i would be really happy about that. Gosh there is no pleasing some people really.

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 16:01

Well i would prefer everyone to take part in all aspects of my wedding than just the evening do. All those invited to the wedding should be treated equally really and thats how it generally is in Malta where my dh is from and Cyprus where my mum is from. If you cannot afford it dont have people who are not close to you just for the sake of it.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 16:02

Quite honestly I would be grateful that mine weren't invited to a sleepover after a party-they will be over excited, get no sleep and be grumpy and tearful the next day. Much better to have the lovely party, calm down and have a good night's sleep in their own bed and feel sorry for the parents who have to cope with the grumpy DCs! There isn't much point in feeling resentful over something it would be better to avoid!

It all seems a fuss about nothing-especially as OP's DS wasn't bothered. Probably he wouldn't have wanted to stay the night with someone he didn't know well.

It wasn't so long ago where we had a thread where those who stayed the night had a sleeping bag on the floor. As usual half thought this OK and half were horrified! You have no idea which camp the party holders parents were in! Better to avoid unless you know them well-in short-best friends.

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 16:03

Oooh i would not like to do a sleepover at all, i want a party for a couple of hours and all the children to go back home leaving me to have a stiff wisky and a big piece of cake

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 16:05

I had people who were close to me who couldn't come to my wedding because the hotel,and my budget, had a limit on numbers. Some really good friends had to be missed. I didn't do a party in the evening, but I can't see why they would have been offended-if they were friends I would expect them to take it in the spirit it was meant-as I would.

megapixels · 21/12/2009 16:09

I think it's fine that a smaller number of people are invited for the sleepover. As long as it's not just one or two people being sent home I don't see the problem with it.

And I feel the same way as you metella. At night children should go home to their own parents whoever they spend the day with!

megapixels · 21/12/2009 16:11

parents families

pigletmania · 21/12/2009 16:17

I guess Pisces i seem to be more relaxed about childrens functions than adults lol. It just that the wedding that we went to it felt as though it was a two tier guest thin. with the evening bit as an afterthought, Though i did go to a wedding a few years ago and the couple really made a good effort on the evening bit

spicemonster · 21/12/2009 18:34

That wedding does sound dreadful piglet - if I've ever been to the evening function a) there were loads of people going to just that bit with a smallish ceremony/meal beforehand and b) they had actually all finished eating/whatever by the time we all turned up. I can understand feeling aggrieved at that scenario - that is rude

Jamieandhismagictorch · 21/12/2009 18:54

I think all weddings should include a sleepover

Jamieandhismagictorch · 21/12/2009 18:55

I'd rather poke my eye out with a shitty stick than have a sleepover.

Original poster
MsDoctor · 21/12/2009 19:03

sparklefrog...The posts you have made where you have mentioned that your DS is a thoughtful kind boy, who really considers other people's feelings above and beyond his own, even on his birthday, and how proud you are that he wouldn't leave anyone else out, ever, even if that meant he had to sacrifice what he wanted on his birthday, being only one day a year to save the hurt feelings of others, well that has blown me away.....;

um nope, didn't say that at all.

FFS another poster failing to grasp a very very simple idea. I think you'll find I said he was kind on this one occasion, I have four children and no saints.

Perhaps all the bridezilla threads we read have parents who year after year year let their dds think the world revolved around them on their 'special' day and so they expected a small universe to alter for their wedding and stuff the rudeness.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 19:16

I really don't think that having a couple of friends to stay over on their birthday makes them the centre of the world!! You have no idea of the family circumstances-maybe it is their one treat of the year!
I am utterly amazed that people are happy for their 7 yr old DC to stay at a party home, when they aren't a very special friend where you know the parents! My DS did it for the first time when he was 11yrs and I was a bit apprehensive then-I don't think I would allow it at 7yrs. However I don't think that this bans the birthday boy from having another friend-that seems very 'dog in the manger'. I know some lovely unselfish DCs who would have a friend to stay over, without it 'spoiling' them. Perhaps the friend need to stay for several nights and then other friends wouldn't get the idea that they were somehow being 'short changed' because it wouldn't be part of the party.

ImSoNotTelling · 21/12/2009 19:28

msdoctor still wondering about my scenario. Do you think that on my birthday, when I have gone to a resturant with some friends for a meal, and then met everyone else in the pub, is rude?

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 19:31

Of course it is ImSoNotTelling-all friends must be treated equally so you should have stayed at home on your own. You are not the centre of the universe!

welliemum · 21/12/2009 19:32

Surely the point is not whether a child's party is two-tier, three-tier or a whole wedding cake - but rather how the exclusion bit is handled for the guests.

In the OP's example, where the party was out of the house and the "best friends" came back for a sleepover, that seems a very reasonable way of separating the 2 events.

Children know perfectly well that they aren't everyone's best friend so will be fine (usually) with the concept of not being invited to stay on. But IMO the host/hostess have a duty of kindness to make sure it's done tactfully.

Same with weddings or any adult party really - the concept of exclusion is one thing, rubbing people's faces in it is another, so it needs a bit of tact to pull it off graciously.

I should mention that this is completely academic for me as I can't think of anything worse than having a sleepover after the party - I'm just not that much into pain - ... so I don't plan to spend any time agonising over the issue.

piscesmoon · 21/12/2009 19:34

In the case of the OP it was done with tact-her DS didn't even know!! I really can't see what the fuss was about.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 21/12/2009 19:37

err - I can't speak for the OP ImSoNot, but I can't see how your scenario is comparable

The OP is talking about a children's party, after which some kids are sent off home and some 'chosen' ones have a sleepover, and the potential hurtfulness there is in that for children

not comparable with what you are saying

ImSoNotTelling · 21/12/2009 19:44

The OP has said she dislikes 2-tier events of all types and has given other expamples which are comparable with mine.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 21/12/2009 19:46

oh well fair enough, I haven't got time to read an 11 page thread about parties!!!! But personally, I see the potential problem with the orginal scenario, but not with say wedding evening invitations....only too glad to avoid half of a wedding!

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