Children's parties and bridezilla like attitudes.

[MsDoctor]

Before I begin my ds(aged 7) doesn't care and doesn't really know about it.....

So he's just got back from a party where only some of the boys were invited for a sleep over.

In this house we try to be fair about everything and would insist that if ds wanted to have people for a sleep over he wouldn't be able to invite more children for a ice skating/cinema/climbing party. I would just feel it was unfair to the children left out.

It's almost bridezilla like to allow your children to disregard anyone else's feelings like this. We just wouldn't do it, our dcs would have to decide whether to have a sleep over or a party with lots of children.

Am I unreasonable to think this is teaching your children to be selfish and spoilt?

disclaimer... I feel like this about adult parties too, I was invited to one the other day and only realised when I got there that only 15 out of 25 parents had been invited, leaving the others left out.

In fact all weddings should invite the whole class.

Yes they should include children mine certainly did, even though it was a small wedding

Yes we were invited to the evening bit, the A bit included the speeches and cutting of the cake which would have been lovely to have been present, the evening bit was just like an afterthought and was a disco and a few sausage rolls and bits of pizza.

Would rather have not been invited tbh, after seeing that i wowed my wedding would not be the same.

piglet, that's still two tier though isn't it. Only rather than being invited to the evening do, you aren't invited at all.

So, you have a party and a couple of friends are allowed to stay on for a sleepover. I seriously cannot see the problem with this and doubt that my ds would either.

The only time I think it might upset him would be if it was one of his best friends and he wasn't included. But then if it was a best friend then he would have been included. Children know that some friends are closer than others, surely?

Fibilou - I couldn't agree more when you say it is the OP who is being partyzilla-ish.

Well having done just what the OP is so cross about I genuinely don't see what the problem is.

Both dcs had parties, to which all children of the same sex in their class were invited (about 15 children). Two of these then came back with us after the party and had a sleepover. Why on earth is this unfair? If the party had been a sleepover party 13 of the kids invited wouldn't have been. As it was 13 kids had a very nice time at the party. Two further ones had a very nice time at the party and then sleeping over.

None of them AFAIK felt left-out. It wasn't selfish or spoilt of mine to pick their two best friends to stay on and enjoy the rest of the day. All the children invited know exactly who my dcs' best friends are and vertainly would nto have expected to stay on after the party - selfish and spoilt of tHEM if they did think like this.

There were a couple of children my dcs don't particularly get on with, but they knew they had to be invited to the main party becuase it wouldn't be fair to invite all the boys/girls and leave one or two out. So they certainly weren't disregarding other children's feelings.

Life is two tier (in fact three/four/five/etc tier). People have very close friends who are invited to everything, a wider group of friends who are invited to big dos, and acquaintances who get invited to very big events. That's life. Consider other people's feelings of course, but there's nothing wrong with publically confirming that you have two best friends, and a wider circle of friends-who-aren't-best-friends.

Yes it is a two tier wedding thing, my family is Medterranian and that kind of thing at weddings is unheard of and basically seen as insulting.

I'm confused.

OP, you have said that your DS is unaware that he wasn't invited to the sleepover, and as such, he was not upset at all.

You have also said that in your opinion, other people's children should not have sleepovers where only a select few DC are invited to spare the feelings of others.

I am left wondering exactly whose feelings you think other parents DC should consider at their own birthday party.

Yours? Other parents? You have already said your DS is not upset in the slightest, so I'm assuming it is your feelings you believe should be taken into consideration.

The posts you have made where you have mentioned that your DS is a thoughtful kind boy, who really considers other people's feelings above and beyond his own, even on his birthday, and how proud you are that he wouldn't leave anyone else out, ever, even if that meant he had to sacrifice what he wanted on his birthday, being only one day a year to save the hurt feelings of others, well that has blown me away tbh.

You appear to be teaching your DS to consider other's feelings above and beyond his own.
Life will never ever be fair, and if you choose to raise your DS to do everything he can to consider other people throughout his life, even to his own disappointment, then imho, you are setting your DS up for disappointment. It is impossible to please everyone all of the time, and I don't think this is a good lesson to teach our DC to strive to attain this.

You are also in danger of raising your DS to be a people pleaser.
People pleasers are treated badly, taken the mickey out of, and not respected. They spend so much time and energy considering everyone else's feelings and still rarely please everyone.

Considering others feelings all the time, above and beyond your own feelings is a recipe for disaster.
Does it make you a nice person?
No, it makes you someone who defines themselves by others opinions and people pleases, and actually results in them being very unhappy IMVVVVHO.

Mind you, this is only my opinion. I am open minded enough to accept I might be totally wrong on this one.

Rant over.

That's a cultural thing then. It is normal in the UK to have daytime and evening do and majority of people accept it as normal and not offensive in any way.

People seem to be saying that at weddings people should only be able to invite who they can afford for the whole day, and miss out on seeing a load of extra friends on their wedding day.

IMO it is selfish to dictate who people can see on their wedding day, to avoid a perceived slight which is not in tune with how things work in usual UK society.

Still not getting any responses from the two-tier haters about my meal/pub birthday combo. out of order or not?

My family is Chinese. You get invited to random weddings of people you have never met. You have to give £100 per head even if you don't go. There are 500+ people there of whom 50ish will be close to the couple. People go to so many weddings they don't bother dressing nicely etc. and just wonder in from the shops with their carrier bags. I would be more touched at being invited to an english evening do than a random Chinese wedding tbh.

Thank you for your very lucid posting sparklefrog - you have very clearly expressed the vague unease I felt when reading the OP's postings. The OP clearly feels it is important that her son should put others before himself, which in some circumstances is very laudable behaviour, but not in all circumstances.

Yes - thank you from me too, sparklefrog.

OP, what I don't understand is why you think allowing a few friends over for a post-party sleepover is selfish and spoilt. People (including children) understand that they cannot be best friends with everyone, don't they? No one was hurt, and I imagine the birthday boy and all his friends (including the non-sleepoverers)had a blast. Hardly Verucca Salt brattishness, is it?

Thank you WhereYouLeftIt

I agree that in some circumstances it is laudable behaviour.

kids party followed by kids sleepover - what a nightmare! why can't they do these things on different days and give themselves a break?

Yes, thank you sparklefrog. V good point about the people pleasing aspect of it all.

tispity - I did both party and sleepover on the same day BECAUSE they are hell on earth and I wanted to get them over and done with rather than have the next one hanging over me! Better for my liver too

Thanks ReindeerInaSkoda

I totally agree.

I don't understand how inviting a few select friends to a sleepover can be construed as spoilt or selfish?

Wouldn't most DC prefer to invite every friend or DC they knew to their party and sleepover?

By only being permitted to invite a few, the DC are surely having to compromise and make choices as to which DC they would like to sleep over?

What's spoilt about that?

Please enlighten me someone, because I really don't understand.

Piscesmoon
I can assure you - I was there at that evening only do - it was six couples.

Maybe the others declined to attend? Which is entirely possible.

If you can definitely say that you wouldn't feel even a teensy weensy bit, well like a third wheel, to walk into a room where round about 150 people were finishing off their dinners, etc as the evening do only guests...well then that's great, good for you.

It was a very bizarre situation to be honest and I accept probably not like most evening do only situations in the UK.

'it is a two tier wedding thing, my family is Medterranian and that kind of thing at weddings is unheard of and basically seen as insulting.'

This is obviously a cultural thing then. It is the norm in the UK and I don't see anything wrong with it. The happy couple want to have all their friends to celebrate with them but they can't afford it so they have the wedding and hold a party in the evening. It doesn't make sense for the first lot to go home in between-some have traveller across the country and have nowhere to go. Some of the first lot-probably the elderly-go home after the first lot. I think it is lovely and much better than just excluding anyone. I rather wish that I had done it and if anyone was offended by it I don't think they would have been a true friend.
Those that are offended are saying 'I should be your most important guest-how dare you put others in front of me'!
I could go into any class and ask DCs 'who are the best friends of David? Most DCs would be able to tell me, and they wouldn't be at all surprised that they were the ones to have a sleepover. It also wouldn't upset them.
I wouldn't do it for the reasons stated earlier, but I don't think that it is teaching your DC to be rude, selfish, spoilt or inconsiderate. Most people have special friends. It would be rude to say I'm not coming to your party because although I love bowling I think I should stay the night because Fred is'!
Perhaps OP and the others who think it is spoilt and selfish would prefer to do the party one day and the sleepover the next? The poor parent then has 2 days of it instead of one and the other guests still know about it. The answer is never have a couple of friends for a sleepover because it isn't fair!! Everyone is a machine and they have to like every friend equally and have all or none!
At the end of the day it is a DCs party. They are not going to be traumatised for life because on 21st December they got to go on a lovely ice skating party, but didn't stay the night!!

What is this thing with sleepovers? Ughh, they creep me out.

Why, Metella?