AIBU to wonder why anyone would want to live like this?

[LetThereBeRock]

I know this could be a controversial topic, most likely will be,and each to their own, none of my business etc but I really can't understand it.

A friend is getting married soon.She's a real bibliophile,as is her soon to be dh, and has asked for several books on her wedding list.

However some of the books she has asked for are rather odd,The Surrendered Wife for example, The Politically Incorrect Wife,Liberated Through Submission and similarly titled books.

I've Googled them and the lifestyle they advocate certainly isn't one that I agree with or would care for.

An example from The Surrendered Wife ' surrendered wife always says yes and is always available for sex."'

I thought at first that the wedding list was a bit of a joke, but I've spoken to her since,albeit briefly, and apparently it's not.

So AIBU to wonder why anyone would want to live a submissive life, and AIBU to think that's it rather odd to request such things on one's wedding list?

I

Buy them a copy of the Karma Sutra

"Why on earth can you only imagine that the opposite of being a doormat is to be mean and vicious in a relationship Fibilou?"

I don't - that was my point. You are assuming that TSW is all about normal relationships. It isn't. It's designed for women that have become "mean and vicious" over the course of a relationship. But people don't see behind the title, and no doubt she titled it to gain maximum controversy.

Honestly ? I don't think TSW is appropriate in a relationship where everything is fine and only if the woman actually feels that she has something about her character that she needs to change. Some of the principles (not all) have worked very well for me as I had become really unpleasant, critical and difficult to live with. I read the book after I saw it in the library adn thought "that'll give me a laugh". Except it didn't, it made me examine my behaviour and realise that I was expecting more than 50% equality in our relationship -I was demanding to be the one in control, when it should be equally shared.

DH has never known that I have read this book, just obviously noticed that I had become less shrewish. It comes and goes and I find it difficult to keep it up all the time as I am naturally very controlling. But every time I actively go back to the principles it makes our lives considerably smoother and I have a far happier and loving DH.

Dittany: it may not be mine or your cup of tea, but we are not the ones getting married. IMO everyone gets married with certain asperations and feelings some of which will be proved to be completely unrealistic as the marriage progresses. Presumably the fact that they have aske for a copy of the book means they haven't read it as yet. I'm sure they won't take everything it says to heart, no more than a new parent ends up taking all the expert baby advice in those baby manuals to heart. They will take their marriage to the direction that works for them. All this judging going on over an ordered book is just silly. They put it on their list, and i'm presuming had no idea one of their 'friends' would be judging their entire relationship by it.

"Oh dear Londonone, did you not read the part where I said I was judging it by what other people had said about it (including excerpts) and that its title and contents gave away what it's about. That's hardly the cover."

Then don't try to pretend to give a critical analysis. You haven't read it and all you have read is a biased selection of other peoples' views. Do you form all your opinions in life based on what a few other people think ? If you do, well, that's all well and good if you don't feel the need to form your own opinions based on your own actual reading. I note you only linked to the negative reviews. Maybe some other posters would like to see a less biased view.

www.amazon.com/Surrendered-Wife-Practical-Finding-Intimacy/product-reviews/0743204441/ref =cmcrdphist5?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&filterBy=addFiveStar

Dittany - The point was that you haven't read the book yet are happy to decry it as encouraging abuse, personally I think equating this book with abuse only serves to belittle real abuse.

Just out of interest because I have read a lot of your posts and I have wondered for a while, what do you think of Andrea Dworkin?

And Dittany, please don't bother quoting the book as you are clearly unable to quote in context as you have not read it. To pick out one paragraph in a chapter is not really very illustrative, is it.

The section that you have quoted is an exercise in appreciating that your husband also has a perfectly valid opinion - which can be difficult if you've spent 20 years thinking your DH's opinion is worthless shit

Dittany, why do you assume I'm not a feminist ? Do you think I'm some little woman chained to the sink ?
Because that is far from the truth.

Dittany,

There is a subtle but very important difference between choosing to be submissive and being forced to be. It is not an abusive relationship where both partners choose their roles without coercion, and both are happy within them. I am pretty sure you would not object to a "surrendered husband"!

And, at the end of the day, I imagine these are a few titles within a long list. No-one is obliged to buy off the list anyway. The OP can buy them a toaster if she so desires.

Why do people rush to judge others so quickly? There is such a thing as personal choice, surely, even within the feminist philosophy?!

Dittany, when you've read it fully, I'll be interested in your opinion. At the moment you're just regurgitating other peoples' opinions and passing them off as your own. A bit like claiming you know all about War and Peace because you've read the Cliff notes.

No dittany, I don't believe in feminism. I believe in equality.

I wonder that most folk who would read this book would be clued up enough to not treat it as gospel.

Perhaps it is a bit like Gina Ford, I read some bits and thought and other bits which clicked.

Personally I would be interested in reading that book on the grounds that some of the chapters sound great. I would be more than happy to 'Relinquish the chore of Managing the finances' having wrestled with my frickin' taxes today. I could alternatively 'Take Care of Myself First'. Right, I am off to Amazon.

Never mind anything else, if I 'Relinquished the Chore of Managing the Finances' my husband would have a nervous breakdown

And if I said 'Whatever you think' to him about anything, he'd assume that a) I was bored by what he was saying or b) taking the piss, neither of which seems to be particularly harmonious to me!

Holy Shit, glad I went off to pick up dd.

I'll leave this mostly narrowminded thread to those who care enough to squabble and bitch.

All those things are equality.

I have to say dittany you do have a very narrow view of what equals feminism and equality. You say you are a feminist yet you seem happy to denigrate the choices that other women make.

Still interested to hear what you think of Andrea Dworkin.

Let me set out my table.

I believe that women should have equal rights in law to men.

I also believe that in my domestic life I am an equal to my husband. This means that I try to consider my husband's thoughts and feelings and to make life as pleasant for him as I hope he tries to make it for me.

If that makes me a 50s throwback that's fine with me.

I frequently read that we must "respect" the religious beliefs of others, even if we think they're sheer lunacy/a bit daft. If we should do this for complete strangers, why is it "abusive" to respect the beliefs of your husband?