AIBU to wonder why anyone would want to live like this?

[LetThereBeRock]

I know this could be a controversial topic, most likely will be,and each to their own, none of my business etc but I really can't understand it.

A friend is getting married soon.She's a real bibliophile,as is her soon to be dh, and has asked for several books on her wedding list.

However some of the books she has asked for are rather odd,The Surrendered Wife for example, The Politically Incorrect Wife,Liberated Through Submission and similarly titled books.

I've Googled them and the lifestyle they advocate certainly isn't one that I agree with or would care for.

An example from The Surrendered Wife ' surrendered wife always says yes and is always available for sex."'

I thought at first that the wedding list was a bit of a joke, but I've spoken to her since,albeit briefly, and apparently it's not.

So AIBU to wonder why anyone would want to live a submissive life, and AIBU to think that's it rather odd to request such things on one's wedding list?

I

I think I will be going with the toaster/doormat option, or the books that Doctor and Hopingfor suggested.
I wouldn't feel very comfortable with purchasing such books, even if they are the cheapest options on the list.

Some of the chapter titles of The Surrendered Wife don't exactly inspire confidence,particuarly 13.

1 Respect the Man You Married by Listening to Him
2. Give Up Control to Have More Power
3. Keep Surrendering a Secret
4. Take Care of Yourself First
5. Express Your Desires
6. Relinquish the Chore of Managing the Finances
7. Receive Graciously
8. Foster Friendships with Women
9. Resist Biting the Bait
10. Avoid Setting Up a Negative Expectation
11. Stop Reading His Mind
12. Don't Crowd the Setter
13. Abandon the Myth of Equality
14. Set Limits by Saying "I Can't"
15. Strive to Be Vulnerable
16. Admit It When You're Hurt
17. Let Your Husband Be the Children's Father
18. Listen for the Heart Message
19. Take a Feminine Approach to Sex
20. Say Yes to Sex
21. Never Eat Worms
22. Ignore the Red Herring
23. Rely on a Spiritual Connection
24. Let Him Solve Some of Your Problems
25. Be a Diplomat in the Male Culture
26. Measure Your Progress
27. Spend Your Energy Surplus on Yourself

Why abusive dittany?

There was something in it about doing your hair and makeup and dressing prooperly all the time IIRC.

i would fall down at the first hurdle

YABU, stop judging and mind your own business.

Unless she asks for your advice, which presumably she's not?

Lucky DH. I wonder how long it will last though.

Dittany, suggest you actually read some of the books before making an assumption that they celebrate husbands abusing their wives.

TSW makes it abundantly clear that it is not written with the aim of making the husband 2"boss" in the relationship, simply redressing the balance in relationships where the woman tries to control everything around her.

Furthermore the author makes it very clear that "surrendering" is a decision you make on your own and in fact should keep the fact that you are trying to adopt its principles to yourself and certainly not tell your DH.

That's exactly what I think Dittany,in regards to your last two posts.

It's such a change of attitude for her too. It's not a lifestyle that I'd ever have imagined she'd even consider.

Who said her bloke wants to treat her like anything? Aren't you jumping to conclusions slightly? Everybody has different takes on marriage and their respective roles in it. People are different. A lot of things within so called functional marriages border on the abusive, with couples swearing, belittling, putting each other down, throwing things etc. Wouldn't say the enite relationship was abusive though.

Each to their own.

Hi Dittany, I'm the poster who asked you the question, I've just gone back to my regular name.

I agree with you BUT only if the man is indeed a bully and the woman in fear of him. In most of those relationships (mine included) it is completely consentual and indeed comforting for the woman and more to the point instigated by the woman. I would go into the specifics if necessary but I don't see the point when the condemnation has already begun without a hearing.

I respect your opinion but I wish sometimes others would be a little more accepting of different lifestyles and not so judgemental.

21. Never Eat Worms

Seems like pretty good advice to be fair.

17. Let Your Husband Be the Children's Father

As opposed to the milkman?

20. Say Yes to Sex

...with Johnny Depp...

Dittany, have you read the book? Do you know anything more about it that what you are inferring from the title?

"that's why books like these and attitudes like this still exist"

Seriously, Dittany, before you start slagging off "attitudes like this" I suggest you educate yourself a bit more about them rather than making a kneejerk reaction to something you clearly know nothing about.

If it makes you happy to belittle your DH, tell him what to do all the time, argue endlessly, punish him by withholding intimacy then by all means live your life like that. That is what Laura Doyle says was wrong with her marriage and that's what she stopped doing to try and save it.
If you think living in harmony, respecting your husband, making him feel attractive and wanted, not arguing about petty things is backward and somehow sexist then feel free to live your life like that. I'm sure your husband loves it.

I think some of the points in such books are valid and some (dare I say most) are crap. It's her choice to read the books and "explore the lifestyle" but I find it odd to put it on your wedding registry. It's not exactly keeping surrendering a secret is it.

I can't see how it is abusive if everyone involved is a consenting adult. There are people who take it to a whole different S&M level and live their lives in Master/Slave arrangements (i.e. not just in the bedroom).

Why not? If they enjoy it who am I to question?

ROFL. There was a surrendered wife thread on here a while back. The loon lady who started the thread advocated all sorts of submissive behaviours. Sadly (and I do mean sadly) it didn't seem to stop her marriage breaking up ...

Oh dear dittany. Have you never heard the phrase "never judge a book by its cover"!

Do you think her future DH might be a friend of the Bring Smacking Back woman/man?

What utterly weird books to put on a gift list!

To the OP

May I most humbly suggest you buy a copy of the Handmaid's Tale for your present.

In coming years, I think your friend may take solace from that ... More solace than from the dreary prose of a nutjob. I think you will need to be there.

Londonone

I've read the book

It was shite

There - summarised it in three words. My degree in English Literature helped me to produce that succinct summary.

I never said no to sex in my relationship because I enjoyed it so much. Didn't realise I was being abused at the time, but I could sure do with some real good abuse right now. Going to amazon...

just send them a cheque or something. gift lists are grabby anyway IMHO