AIBU to not give the child a biscuit

[Lifeinagoldfishbowl]

Went to Tesco's this morning to do the grocery shop before hopping on the bus home.

Got a bit peckish so opened a new packet of chocolate bourbons and started reading my book before I noticed a 3-4 year old kicking off shouting he wanted a biscuit.

Cue the mum of said child turning to the child and saying "Would you like a biscuit?", child obviously says yes and the mum turned to me.

I carried on reading my book and the mum attracted my attention and asked for a bisucit for the still tantruming child.

I refused to give the child a biscuit - cue the child tantruming until he got off the bus 10 minutes later and lots of looks from the mum.

So should I have given the child a biscuit - I wouldn't have expected anyone to give dc (2.2) a biscuit and would have soon told him to stop tantruming and causing a nuisance on the bus.

Agree (still) with Adair. There is a time and a place for the village to raise a child. Refusing to hand over one measly bourbon on the bus to a 3 year old child who was probably tired, hungry and utterly fed up seems weird. How on earth you could then put them away and go back to reading your book, listening to the wails and cries, I have no idea.

The mother certainly could have asked in a different way, as in "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you mind terribly if he had a biscuit - he's really hungry, and I've forgotten to bring a snack" type of thing, but fgs - it was a 3 year old child.

I wonder if he's now seen the light, realised that he shouldn't tantrum now that he's reached the grand old age of 3, and has repented for his sins, all thanks to the lady on the bus who refused to hand over one single bourbon

He's 3 years old, people. A hungry, tired and fed up 3 year old throwing a bit of a wobbly. Get it in perspective.

Oh - and I have very polite, well mannered children too

YANBU - ok in the scheme of things it's not actually a big deal to part with one biscuit but from the way you describe it, the mother's attitude would have annoyed me - the presumption of entitlement that her child should be given whatever they want, even by complete strangers.

But why refuse the 3 year old child one measly biscuit because you didn't like the way the mother asked for it?!

Weird....

Valhala, are you for real? yes we should slap tantrummimg 3 year olds instead of sedning them the wrong messgae by giving them a biscuit. much better message.

Sometimes tantrunning children are just out of control with emotion and exhausted, soemtimes it's not really about getting the 'thing' it's about them being frightened of being out of control and what they need is distracting or reassuring or a release valve of the intense overwhelming emotion.

Hvae none of you expreinced a tantrumming child who was kicking off wildly about wantning their drink in the yellow cup say? only for them to be eventually calmed down by the production of their blankie at which point they visably relax snuggle to mummy ans forget about the yellow cup, because the tantrum was not about the yellow cup at all really, but a visiabledisplay ofutter exhaustion??

Maybe this mother knew her kid was exhauted, that he was going to kick off all the way home unless she couldfind soemthing to distract and mollify him with? She spottde lady with biscuits and thought maybe if he has a biscuit it would buy me some time?

Is that so awful?

i am very suprised at the meaness onthis thread, I'd have thought there would have been much ore a spirit of supporting other mothers in what is obviously a tricky spot, even if in your mind you wre thnking 'Oh I wouldn't do it like that myself.'

I think it's all rather unpleasant actaully.

Agree Baroness.

please note that the village thing was a joke...

in RL I spent all my time on buses (and we went on them a lot- no car) desperately distracting dcs, talking non-stop to make sure that they never got a word in edgeways got a chance to embarass me felt unloved and uncared for.

Also, i was tuaght it is very bad maners to eat in public unless you are going to offer to share with others.

was I alone in this?

I remember being on a train withmy mother and having sweets and having to offer one to every person either side of us before i could start them. i guess that is very old fashioned now.

But to me howver rude it was of her to ask, it was even ruder of you to refuse. the truly gracious thing to do would be to share reagrdless of what yu thugt of the other person.

You shuld only be concerned with your own manners and not let these slide because of your own judgement of others manners.

If you can help someone without any real loss to yourself and yet you still refuse, that is quite sad imo.

I think it completely depends on the manner of the request, it doesn't sound like it was very polite. I certainly don't think you were rude to refuse. If someone had asked the OP for the bus fair and she said no would that have been rude?

Love bourbons anyway, but a cup of tea for dunking is essential, else they are just dry and a bit tasteless.

BaronessBarbaraKingstandi... Fri 11-Dec-09 10:02:43
"Also, i was tuaght it is very bad maners to eat in public unless you are going to offer to share with others."

Was planning to take eat my sandwiches on the train later on; how many should I make? Would there be about 50 people in your average railway carriage? And what about the guard? Do you think he'll want one or two?

You do seem to be taking this very seriously.

Asking for biscuit not the same asking for money. At all.

Also, I like in the OP that she would have told him to stop tantrumming'. Oh, that's where the rude inept mother and the rest of us are going wrong.

i thnk you will find that i qualified this in my illustration of offering sweets to those either side of me.

I'm taking it as seriously as all those who piously announced the women was rude, they would never deal wth atantrun in such a way, and that their children have wonedrful manners.

No more and no less.

I'm with Baroness. Where are the manners in all this? You sould take them with you on the bus.

I would not have waited for the child to ask TBH. Like BBK, I was told it was bad manners to eat in front of people (especially sweets/biscuits in front of a child)if there is not enough food to give to other that might want some.

Saying that, it was bad manners from the mum too to say "do you want a biscuit ?" to her DC without having made sure you would be ok with it or had some herself in her handbag! So I will temper my judgement to YABReasonablyU!

Whenever we do a babeque, DH gets more meat than for our family as it is traditional in his home country (Algeria) that if someone was passing by and saying "oh it smells nice!" you have to invite them in to share the meal with you. I think it is a fantastic tradition.

Ditto - I was taught that if you have food which can easily be shared - such as a packet of biscuits or sweets, then you share.

How did I miss this thread yesterday??

The mother was very rude to ask her child if they wanted a biscuit and then to ask the OP if the child could have one!! That sense of entitlement would make me very judgemental indeed. I might have handed over a biscuit to avoid a scene on the bus, but as someone said earlier, I would have judged!!

BTW - do I get a TopTrump for saying that the mum in question is making a rod for her own back, by giving into tantrums like that?

I used to hate it when my dcs looked longingly/begged and other people handed over food- because I felt they were undermining my attempts to teach No Begging. And I had been brought up to think begging was bad manners.

Feed the worlllldddd Let them know it's Christmas timeeeeee

Hully - you have made me see the light! The OP should have refused to give the child a biscuit because she was going to send them to starving children in Africa!

Oh begging is bad manners, but you need to teach your children not to beg and not expect others to compromise thier won manners by refusing to share with some one who does beg.

eg:
Child looks longing at adults sweets.
adult offers one to child (ideally asking paren first but not always)
Parnet insists child thanks adult and smiles and thanks them also.
Parent reads child riot act (if old enough to understand) once alone and out of ear shot of person kind enough to offre to share, about not begging and staring at strangers food.

in this scenarios everyone is well mannered.

in op's evryone is bad mannered.

If I'd been on the bus, I'd have been in my elemant. On one single bus journey I would have been able to judge the mother for being rude in asking in such an impolite mother, the OP for eating cheap, nasty biscuits, eating in public, being sanctimonious and not sharing, and I'd have judged the child for tantumming.

What a lovely, judgey time I'd have had

element even

It seems very ungracious to deny, so righteously, a three year old a biscuit. The mother should have asked more politely, but that?s not the way to teach both mother and child a much needed lesson on manners and generosity.

A few months ago, I needed to take a sleeper train down to Nice from Paris and mistakenly booked a normal night train ? no beds, just seats.

My three year old was tired, pissed off and very unhappy. I was trying to get him to go to sleep and he worked himself into the most massive all out screaming, kicking, tantrum.

Various people in the carriage rummaged around in their bags until they found madeleines, some bon bons and some fruit. All of which they came up and offered to me and screaming child with smiles. He had his hair stroked and his cheeks pinched and frankly, he was so freaked out by all the attention that he shut up.

But then again, I?ve noticed that overall the English really don?t like children as much as they do in Southern Mediterranean countries.
So I think YABU.

Well that is a much nicer christmassy story coolbeans, God Belss us Every One!

lol at putting the quote 'it takes a village to raise a child' in here. That deserves to be mentioned on every thread.

I would have handed over the whole packet if it meant I didn't have to put up with a child screaming tbh.