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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

323 replies

JustCause · 07/12/2009 17:59

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 07/12/2009 18:01

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Message withdrawn

badietbuddy · 07/12/2009 18:03

You are mad to even consider it imo

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/12/2009 18:04

I can see why you want to give him another chance; but don't get back together just yet. Let him finish his course and see him as the father of your child and as a friend, not as a partner (do not let him back in your bed!) for another few months. If he's really changed, he'll understand why, but the first - the very first - arsey comment from him and you get out of there like a shot.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:05

That's what he and OW did.
We aren't living together. He will have to prove that he is capable of consistent, respectful, decent behaviour, for a long time before that would happen.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 07/12/2009 18:06

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Message withdrawn

MrsSaxon · 07/12/2009 18:06

I would not even take the chance, and I have been in an abusive relationship.

Move on, do not look back.

lollopops · 07/12/2009 18:07

You have to do what's in your heart. Be careful though. Don't have him move in straight away and don't be looking at life with him through rose-tinted specs.

He left you for another woman.
He hit other woman.
If she hadn't have pressed charges, he would probably still be with her.

Just take care and remember how he's treated you. You have coped without him and you were on the road to recovery. If you take him back and he does all of the above again, how will you feel? Probably worse than you did the first time.

Good luck

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:07

Didnt mean to be obtuse, we ARE back together. I wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation.

OP posts:
VengefulKittyInTheManger · 07/12/2009 18:07

Also been there, done that.

After leaving I believed him. It ended up with history repeating and I was in Court today applying for an ex parte injunction against him.

I would stay away for yours and your DD's best interests.

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/12/2009 18:11

You've been without him for nearly a year, you've done the hard bit.

Why on earth would you want to go back to someone who has treated you so badly and struck another person in the face?

badietbuddy · 07/12/2009 18:11

You are back with him?
I mean this in the kindest possible way, but do you have a low self esteem? Why would you want to be with someone who has done this to you???

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 07/12/2009 18:11

Do you really want him in your life as a constant role model for DC? Is he really that special? As far as I can see, the risks far outweigh any benefits - but I suppose at least you'd know he wasn't inflicting himself on another unsuspecting woman...

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:14

No rose-tinted specs here, I have been in close contact with Womens Aid throughout and have a very good friend who keeps my feet on the ground.

I am in a position of strength because I survived perfectly well without him but acknowledge I love him. It wouldn't stop me ending it with him if anything happened though.
I do not feel he is a danger to myself and DD. But if anything happened (because you DONT know for sure) I have plenty of support in place. I have made sure my friends know, my health visitor, Women's Aid and other agencies. I am not alone and isolated.

There is a chance it could work. If it doesnt. I'll know once and for all I have done all I can.

OP posts:
FabIsVeryHappy · 07/12/2009 18:14

Two men have hit me. One I stayed with until I could get myself a new job and a new place to live and then I left him but then had a few meet ups with him later and then left him for good when I was ready too.

The other one I left straight away but took him back a few weeks later. I was lonely, I missed him and I didn't want to live with any if only. I knew pretty quick my feelings had gone so definitely don't regret taking him back.

You have to live your own lives and have what relationships you want. I wish I had listened to others less and followed my heart more.

It has worked out for me now but there will always be, I wonder what might have been. (He never hit me though.)

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/12/2009 18:15

Most people don't have to put processes in place just in case their partner attacks them. You do understand that this isn't normal, don't you?

MaggieNollaig · 07/12/2009 18:17

yabvu.

don't do it. i have an abusive controlling x. I went back to him the first time i left him, because i wasn't properly mentally free from him. he didn't change. he refered to my tinpot parade (leaving him).

eventually i left him again, but it was harder because i'd used up and wasted a lot of energies leaving him the first time.

you need to leave him and you need to give yourself the time and space to recover from him properly.

disconnect emotionally. you can be connected to somebody, feel a bond with them, but it is not love. it is something else totally dysfunctional. break that bond. cut the chord. value yourself, move on.

sb6699 · 07/12/2009 18:19

Sorry, but he hit you and he hit OW. This is obviously a pattern for him and he wont change however much you want him to.

He will repent, be forgiven, then the cycle will start again.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:20

I know Ghoul, that is something Women's Aid suggested. I dont feel at risk though.

OP posts:
crazylizzy · 07/12/2009 18:21

Been there, done that, never again. Please don't do it

dittany · 07/12/2009 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistletoekisses · 07/12/2009 18:24

You have posted, so are looking for opinions. YABVU IMO.

You say in a later post that you do not believe him to be a threat to you or your DD, and that 'just incase' you have a support network involved.

At the risk of sounding alarmist; if someone who is physically stronger than you decides to turn on you when you are alone; you can have all the support networks in the world linked in; they wont be able to save you. And i speak from my personal experience as a child seeing my dad turn on my mum.

I simply cannot believe you are willing to risk your DD's welfare because 'you still have feelings for him'.

Grow up and get out. You have a childs welfare to think about. This isnt just about you. This OP has worried me so much, I find myself hoping you are a troll.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 07/12/2009 18:25

You're not living with him again are you? Because that would be really, really dumb.
I mean, I think anything other than 'fuck off' to a man who has hit you and other partners is a bit dumb really. However I suppose one has to believe in the possibility of redemption, smackheads can get clean, murderers serve their sentences and rebuild their lives etc. And he is at least doing a domestic violence perpetrator course, not 'anger management' or any other sort of treatment that will give him new tools to abuse him with and encourage self-obsession.
If you can keep him at a reasonable distance (not living in the same house) and take it very, very slowly, it may not be that unsafe to try it.
But I do have to wonder what's so special about someone who has treated you so badly. Please remember that the concept of 'soulmates' is rank bullshit, there are plenty of nonabusive men out there who are good at sex, attractive, entertaining and exciting company etc.

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/12/2009 18:29

It's not normal to have to involve Women's Aid in the starting up of an old relationship either.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2009 18:30

Maggie hit the nail on the head. It is not love; it is something else totally dysfunctional. You should be aware that very often the only thing abusive men learn from courses like the one he's on is how to hurt women more effectively. If it was as easy as sending them on a course, and if getting there on time meant anything, nobody would have a problem with an abusive partner. Please listen to Women's Aid, and see if they have any courses you could do for yourself, to see why you think this is the best you get for yourself and the best you can do for your DC.

I'm sitting here applauding the OW, although I disapprove of OW's in general.

Purplebuns · 07/12/2009 18:31

NO! Your out, stay out.

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