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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

323 replies

JustCause · 07/12/2009 17:59

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 09/12/2009 18:14

Gosh that's a good point nelly. Just goes to show how careful you have to be.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2009 18:31

nelly, thanks for that warning

and welcome to MN

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2009 18:34

no, moros, I haven't read that book

btw, in no way am I qustioning that this man is a dangerous and violent thug or that the OP in any way deserves his abuse of her

just to clear that point up, in case by any long shot you misunderstood

Flightattendant · 09/12/2009 19:19

thankyou daaaarling
I heart you too

Flightattendant · 09/12/2009 19:20

and Nelly, good thinking wilkommen!

sparklefrog · 09/12/2009 19:36

Is the OP still having 2nd thoughts? I am getting more and more concerned, especially for her DD, now OP has disappeared from the thread it seems.

Flightattendant · 09/12/2009 19:39

Well I'm feeling guilty for 'attacking' her.

She did ask for straight talking and that's what she got - but I may have gone a bit OTT.

I wasn't trying to take anything out on her - just thinking what would have helped me to hear in a similar situation - it's so hard to get through that barrier, I know it is.

spicemonster · 09/12/2009 19:50

She said she was going yesterday:
"I'm going now. I'm sick of the attacks. To the posters who have written eloquently and with genuine empathy and concern for DD's wellbeing, thank you. It gave me a much-needed kick up the arse.

To those who have no idea how this feels and just fancied weighing in with their judgey tuppence, I hope to god you never have to go through this, or any of your loved ones."

But you know flight and sparklefrog, she needed to hear that and you do know what you're talking about, even if you are talking from the position of the DD sparklefish.

I posted what I did about your post sparklefrog because my dad could be pretty aggressive at times and what you said really resonated. He never laid a finger on me and my sisters and didn't really hit my mum, but he shoved her around and threatened to hit us. I left home when I was 17 and lived in a series of vile squats and virtually condemned buildings because I didn't want to go back to my 'nice' middle class home.

20 years and a lot of therapy and frank conversations later, I get on really well with both my parents now (he has mental health issues which have since been resolved) but there is part of me which will never ever forgive my mum for not taking us out of that situation. It's had a really detrimental effect on all of our relationships with men as adults and that seems to me to be an unacceptable price to pay for your parents' romance. Even now, I still wish she'd left him, despite us being a happy and very close family to all intents and purposes.

Moros · 09/12/2009 19:53

AF, no I understand. Violence is never justified and abuse is not the fault of the victim. But women end up in violent relationships for all sorts of reasons. In SOME cases there are deep problems on both sides. It doesn't justify or excuse the violence in any way but it does go some way to explaining why SOME women find it very hard to keep away from violent men.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2009 20:09

yes, Moros, and SOME women enjoy the drama and push it so far their dc end up on a child protection register

and then they carry on

I expect the mother of Baby Peter found it very hard to stay away from her violent partner too

nighbynight · 09/12/2009 21:53

anyfucker, please understand that it isn't helpful to post stuff like that. Women who are being abused need support, not blame. You can call a spade a spade without blaming the victim.

I guess if you havent been in this situation yourself (I am guessing you havent, maybe I am wrong), it is hard to understand. But when you are being insulted and abused regularly, you really do lose touch with how other poeple live, and you accept your lot as normal.

that is the background that the OP is coming from. Blaming her will just turn her against getting any help from outside, because you can be sure that her abusive p will encourage an "us against the world" feeling.

BitOfFun · 09/12/2009 22:11

This is all reminding me very much of an old thread which ended in a poster being visited by social services. There was a big debate then as to whether MN should be a safe space to talk, or whether the OP was effectively asking others to collude with a situation of child endangerment. It made for very uncomfortable reading, like this.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2009 22:15

support to stay with a violent abuser, who is obviously enough of a risk to a child she needs protection and monitoring by SS ??

ho-kaaaayyy then

I don't feel bad about being harsh on this thread

there is a lot of support for the OP on here. I don't actually need to add to it

where am I blaming her for being abused ?

I am blaming her for continuing to put her child at risk

there should be more blame for that in our society and less of the "there-there, you carry on" approach

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 09/12/2009 22:52

absolutely totally agree AF. i was that child many moons ago, how many more children have to suffer for something they have no say in? for what their deluded parents choose to do? those stroking the OP's apparent fragile ego need to wake up.
she is choosing this. her daughter isnt.

sparklefrog · 09/12/2009 23:12

nighbynight I agree that victims of domestic abuse need support, not blame, but the OP's DD is also a victim in this sorry mess, and whilst the OP is getting support from various quarters apparently, it seems to have made little difference to her decision to remain with her abusive partner, so clearly at this time, plentiful support is not helping the OP realise the truth of what is really going on in her relationship.

So whilst I agree with you, I also know that even once support is in place, it can take a considerable amount of time before women in the OP's situation finally permanently extricate themselves from their abusive relationship, and every hour, every day, every week and every month that the OP hasn't quite found the strength to turn away from her abusive partner is another hour/day/week/month that her DD is being damaged, by the values she is learning, the images she is seeing and the things she is hearing, not to mention the atmosphere she is feeling.

It is incredibly difficult to sit back and offer support to a woman who is choosing to put her DD through this every day, and freely admits that she is going to continue to put her DD through this awful situation, until the OP has decided that she has had enough. Maybe her DD has already had enough??

It is extremely frustrating, and there are many people who maybe do not feel they can offer support to a woman who can willingly put her child through this situation, because she can't let go of her partner and the hope he will change.

The OP would gain alot more support if she were to put her DD first, and take precautions to ensure her DD was protected from this man violent criminal.

It is precisely because a child is in this situation which frustrates people so much I think. A child has no voice, and therefore can't speak up, but isn't that why children have parents? So the parents will protect the child, until the child can protect theirselves.

The OP is failing her DD in a huge way!!!

And you never know, these posts may make the OP (if she is indeed still reading them) realise the gravity of her actions on her DD.

FWIW, I think the fact that the OP has not returned to the thread speaks volumes. It says to me that she is prepared to continue in this relationship, hasn't liked what she has heard here, and therefore is going to turn a blind eye and ignore, very much like she is turning a blind eye and ignoring her DD's needs by remaining with this man violent criminal.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2009 07:07

vicar, I am sorry you had to learn that the hard way

Lemonylemon · 10/12/2009 10:29

AF I don't post on these threads with the "call a spade an f*ing shovel" style - but I love yours.....

I despise parents who put themselves before their DCs. I wish I could take the OP's DD away to come and live with me.....

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2009 15:51

me too lemony

LittleOneMum · 10/12/2009 17:15

Have been reading but not posting (am a bit scared of anyfucker and flight - no offence, ladies, I also think you're brilliant) but I just wanted to add one tiny thing.

I am also grew up in a DV household, and one in which my father hit me. I just wanted you to know that to this day it is my Mum that i feel angriest at (not rational I know) but she stayed and stayed and I really wish she hadn't and although I love her and I understand in a way, it is with her that the lump sticks in my throat. PLEASE don't put yourself in a position where your lovely DD ends up feeling that way one day.

Much love and courage to you. xx

Flightattendant · 10/12/2009 17:36

Sorry LOM I didn't mean to scare you.

I think I went off on one a bit. I was talking as someone should have talked to me, iyswim...doesn't mean it will work for OP though.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 10/12/2009 18:13

LOM, your input is very valuable because it comes from experience

mine doesn't, I am glad to say

don't be scared of us gobby old hags, just wade in there

oops, sorry flight

nighbynight · 10/12/2009 19:29

I have not at any point said that anyone should give support to stay with an abusive partner. If you read my posts you would read the exact opposite. Please dont run away with an idea that's founded on a false impression.

Posts like LOM's are helpful. (incidentally most of the posts that are "stroking a selfish person's fragile ego" come from people with personal experience. Doesnt that tell you something??) Posts saying things like "you are a selfish tosser for not leaving" (I dont want to pick on anyone's in particular), are not helpful (and yes, I am speaking from experience too).
Please understand, it is NOT a question of stroking a selfish person's fragile ego. What matters is getting the reality of the situaion through to the victim, and blaming them just won't do that. It might relieve your feelings, that is all.

FabIsVeryFestive · 10/12/2009 20:10

My mum chose her boyfriend over me. I grew up in care. I will never understand or forgive what she did. When my boyfriend hit me, I apologised to him.

OP - you are chosing your man, your relationship, sex over your daughter.

Think about it.

MaggieNollaig · 10/12/2009 21:01

fab that's awful..

I agree with your summary of what the op is doing.

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 10/12/2009 21:57

nighbynight i also have personal experience so i find your patronising post incredibly incredibly offensive. you accuse me of not reading your posts - have you read mine?

i was a child in a DV situation from the age of 7 to the age of 15 when i left home and lived in a fucking hostel, i hated my mother for allowing some fucking vile little hitler who was 5foot nothing physically and mentally attack me daily because she was too scared of being alone - he broke my fingers because i wouldnt eat something, he made me wash him in the bath, he held knives to my throat and ripped my earring out of my ears, he killed my pets, he kicked, spat at, beat and whipped me and on a daily basis told me it was all my own fault, so dont tell me im not in a position to speak out on DV. i have nothing to do with my so called mother, and the OP needs to wake up. tough shit if you dont like what im saying. its not for you. its for the OPs daughter.