To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

[JustCause]

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

When he falls off the wagon and hits you, and your daughter is a witness, and scarred for life by what she has seen...

Or when he falls off the wagon and hits her...

Then you will see sense.

I hope, actually, you'll see it before, but I doubt it. To be part of an abusive relationship, the victim has to collude by allowing it to happen. From the way you are talking about him, I think you are still colluding. I know whereof I speak, and I'm telling you now, he won't change toward you, even if he does manage to fix himself with regard to other women, because you two have a pattern set out for you already.

The very best thing you can do for you and your daughter is be strong alone, and then if a decent man does come along, be strong in a new relationship. But you won't ever be strong with this guy, because the 'mended' version won't be the one you loved (you love the broken one), and the broken one is intolerable.

mrswill, I suspect your head is going to be very sore in the morning

a brick wall is not very forgiving

Am stepping away from this thread as I dont think the OP will take any of the advice given and feel, just as others do, that this is going to be like watching car crash tv which is a bit upsetting for those who have walked in her shoes but not put them back on again!

JC, I really do wish you well but fear it will all end in tears (or worse).

ffs jc. just LISTEN to yourself...

you dont sound stupid, why act stupid?

i was about to post about the inevitable referral to ss when he does hit you again and someone who has a duty to be concerned for your dd's welfare (which you don't seem to be) notifies them... but see mrsw beat me to it. she's right. it's true. it is likely you will be labelled as someone who has put you daughter at risk of signoficant harm through being unable to protect her / prioritise her interests above your own....
so good luck with that.

OP, has social Services taken an interest in your family before, because of the presence of this man ?

Agreed anyfucker, think im going to piss off to a lighthearted thread and slag off Danyl. I have the same conversation as this over and over in work everyday, so brickwalls are common place but cant seem to stop myself

Fucking hell you are all right.
WTF am I doing?
I think you are mistaking me for someone else (HW maybe) in the first year of our relationship he shoved me three times and slapped me twice. I left him and one of the conditions of getting back with him was that he never lay a finger on me again. He didn't. He was manipulative and selfish, wanted us to live together again. I wouldn't. Two years later he left.
SS are involved, yes.
Not that it matters since abuse is abuse whatever the degree, but maybe this illustrates why I don't feel in physical danger.

Maybe these agencies are all involved so that, when I do properly see the light, I will feel safe enough to do so.

I am briiliant at denial. I started this thread to get a cold hard dose of reality. So please keep it coming. I am not getting off on it, quite the opposite.

I don't think I can change him. I had faith he wanted to change, which this thread has eroded. A good thing as I have really been pinning my hopes on this course.

JustCause, hmmmm, how do i put this i wonder...... You have all different agencies there to support you now, which has probably made you feel more secure, more safe somewhat, like you have some sort of security net if you do fall, make a mistake. Am i right?? This has probably led you to see yourself differently in your relationship with your dp, more in control etc, more able to call the shots blah blah.

These agencies may turn on you faster than you think if it all goes tits up.

Once you do fall off the wagon so to speak, get back with dp properly, cycle may return back to how your realtionship usually works, him being a twat, you being frightened, walking on egg shells. These agencies will change tack. They are there to support you now as your relationship has ended, but when it starts up again, something which their probably prepared for as they see it all the time, the focus will change. Agencies cant ignore a man who may be going down for some prison time for assaulting his then partner, your willingness to jump straight in will be noted. The focus will then be on information gathering which may lead to god knows where. Im not being negative about SS its just how it works, Ive trained as a social worker, but work for the voluntary sector, so have no gripes with SS. Just beware that your support network may change on you if you meet with the same issues with your partner as last time.

Il try and forward you some stuff on the negative of these courses for men if you like, they can be positive obviously, but are often used by men with courtcases coming up, or a way of finding another way to abuse.

Look, JC you simply want to be with this guy, so go for it. Nobody here can change your plan, you've already admitted that, but keep asking us to 'keep it coming' which frankly makes me feel weird and slightly ill.

I don't see the point. Do you know what writing/saying this stuff does to people - people ignoring their own kids to write this stuff to you, people knackered after long days, putting off having their supper, putting off going to bed when they really need to - my kids fell asleep on the sofa last night while I was writing on this thread.

I woke up thinking about it and how I could ensure that that same old fucking car crash didn't happen again to you and your daughter...and ANGRY with this bloke who thinks you are so fucking stupid he can do this to you.

But It's all a waste of time and effort. You appear to enjoy (yes on some level) getting everyone worked up about what you're about to do. I have no idea why, but it makes me furious.

You need to grow up and take some fucking responsibility for your CHILD's safety and your own. and you need to start behaving like a mother, not some weak eejit of a teenager who thinks it's clever to go out with a dangerous dickhead.

Nobody is impressed, everyone thinks you're being stupid, and immature and yes, you have a fucked up background which is making this hard for you to stop. But there is only ONE right thing to do, only one correct answer here, and it does not involve seeing this bloke again. That is INEVITABLY going to be te worst decision you could have made.

I don't doubt that you might well find some other abusive fuckwit in order to play it out once again, but maybe you'll continue with the counselling and actually get somewhere before that happens.

Get a grip and act like an adult.

...and yes, when you have a child you DO have to sacrifice some of the stuff you feel you urgently need to do. You just DO it.

I was a biker, I LOVED my bike but one day I realised how incredibly dangerous it was, and that I might be killed and leave my child without a mum. So I sold it. I miss it every day and stupid as it sounds, I don't feel like 'me' without that bike. I feel unconfident and as though someone has chopped off my arm. I crave another bike.

But I haven't bought one. I haven't because I know it is a risk and that now I have kids, that part of me has to be put to one side. It's called doing the right thing and having children requires that from EVERYONE, that they give up at least one thing they would previously have felt very very attached to.

This is a lesson I learned myself because nobody told me that. I chose to become a mother and I need to grow up and take the sort of decisions that sometimes really hurt.

This is your opportunity to prove yourself as your daughter's mother, and be proud of what you have done - when she is older you will be able to say 'yes, I walked away from the man I 'loved' because he was dangerous and treated me with zero respect, and I didn't want you to have to witness that again'. Your daughter finds it excrutiating to witness this - believe me - and I am expecting fully that once you've ditched him she will start displaying distrubed and uncharacteristic behaviour as a backlash to the pain she has felt watching you go through this shitty time.

Your responsibility starts NOW. Do something about it instead of wittering on here making the right noises when you don't actually believe the things we're saying are relevant to your case.

I had a boyfriend when I was much younger (16-20) who hit me 3 times towards the end of the relationship, always after drinking. I will freely admit now that I got a kick out of being in complete control in the aftermath. He had to behave or he was out.
In my defence, I was young and had come from a family where I had little affection or control and this came aplenty when he was trying to convince me that he loved me and would control himself in future.
Fortunately, I came to my senses and got off my own little power trip and into a fun, mutually respectful relationship.
He has 3 failed marriages and 3 children now. He has hit all of his wives (and partners). My friend still lives in the town we grew up in and is a big ol gossip which is how I know.
Do you think a part of you may like the feeling of controlling his behaviour?

I hope his future holds a prison term for hitting his new partner, I am so glad she is strong enough to press charges against him Bravo to her.

If you take him back you are mad, your child deserves better then that.

Also I think you miss the drama more then the man, I feel very sorry for you, but not for the reasons you might think.

Get back with him, let him hit you, treat you like dirt and your daughter can watch it all, grow up with no self respect or self worth and the whole abusive shit can carry on for another generation.

The she can post on a talk board under the pretense of wanting advice, when really she will just be looking for more drama.

Op, I did think you were hw

are you not ?

Dear me this thread has made me feel so sad.

Dittany, FlightAttendant, Anyfucker, loads and loads of decent advuce and some well needed harsh words.

It does though have a feeling of inevitability about it though.

JC - just to reiterate what others have said, this is not now just about you. Please do not subject your dd to the terrifying image of seeing her mother battered before her eyes.

Responding to OP only, but I'm sure many others will said the same. FFS woman don't do it! He will NOT have changed, he will NOT change, and right now he is desperate and say whatever you want to hear. He will be back in your life and abusing you within days. Tell him to sling his hook.

FlightAttendant's bike analogy is an excellent one. I was thinking of wolves. Do you know it is actually possible to get a license to keep an Alaskan Timber Wolf as a pet in certain countries? I would quite like one, I think it would be very exciting to have such a dangerous predator as a pet in my house.

And if I had decided not to have kids then I would have one. But my DS's safety is of far more importance to me than anything I want, anything, any excitement, any drama, any of it.

If you let this man back into your home he will destroy your DD, she will learn that it is A-OK for a man to hit her and cheat on her and treat her like shit. Because that is what you and he will teach her.

Be prepared for SS to step in in an attempt to stop her from learning that from you two.

He is a dangerous predator and you are going to let him live in the same house as your baby. It is crazy.

Op do not take this man back.Think of your dd before yourself.This all sounds very unhealthy

My daughter started wetting her knickers again at five. I had thought I was staying FOR the children. I was so wrong.

Leave FOR your child.

Don't drag your child into your 'dramathon'. It's not carved in stone that you have to spend the rest of your life with this guy.

JustCause? Lost cause, more like.

Yes Cinnaybar.. I missed it, but somebody referred to her sad childhood. I know I would never have been able to leave if my parents hadn't been behind me wanting more for me, than a lifetime of putting up with somebody else's abuse. I remember thinking, I've made my bed, the easiest thing is just to lie in it now. I didn't feel I had the control to get out of the situation I'd got myself into. I DID get out of it eventually. My daughter's regression was like a knife piercing my forcefield of denial perhaps.

I really hope the OP has a similar wake up and smell the coffee moment. Right now, it seems like she's determined to accept this rotten half life.

I am really glad to know that my daughter won't grow up seeing me pander to a bad tempered man's moods and demands (and that she won't see and hear even worse). Also my son obviously> I can believe now that he'll make somebody a GOOD husband, with me and his Granddad as his uncles as his role models....

OP, demand your life back!! it's not too late.

From your posts OP it seems like you are simply addicted to the drama of it all. You don't mention your DD much or respond to what others say how this shit could affect her.

I think you like the attention of others watching you walk into the fire. But it's not just you you are taking there is it?

I am leaving this thread now. It is really really upsetting not to think of you taking him back - you are an adult. But for your poor DD, who will learn that you must always take a Patriarch back to the home, no matter how violent or abusive, and that her welfare and safely meant that little to you.

Me too, word of warning... a girl I know, her father abused her. She blames her mother more
illogical perhaps, but in her eyes, a mother's love should have lifted cars and moved heaven and earth. instead, her mother turned a blind eye out of fear and delusion.

her mothers apathy disgusts her more than her father's actions... not saying this is right or logical.. but this is how things are for her.

I took my DC's father back many many times.

Once following him undertaking a s eries of anger managment courses and weekly s essions with a shrink.

He would be very well behaved for ages....well a couple fo days.

Then he wouldn't get his way over something...maybe i spoke to him or reffered to the sofa as a settee, i can no longer remember...and i would get yet another beating/rape/abusive tirade of threats adn spitting/attempts to remove my son from the house.

YANBU to want to believe he has changed.

But yes YABU to risk your own and your Dc's life by taking him back.

Please, PLease, don't.

I can't see any anger from OP towards this man.

why is there no anger? 'How dare he do this' - it's missing from every post she writes.

Getting angry can be frightening, sometimes it makes us want to kill someone, it's that intense. But the longer you hold it in check and put up, the worse it is when the floodgates finally open. Best get it over with really, as soon as you can - and part of it is it hurts to experience the anger you will have against your SELF for putting up with this git for so long.

Pretending you aren't angry, taking him back, etc etc is all far easier than facing this huge passionate revolt from within yourself. Healthy catharsis is what you need, but accepting that and going with it, is very hard to do for a lot of women in these situations...so they suppress it and stay. That's like keeping a rotting apple in your desk drawer because it smells too much to open and clean it out. You have to do it one day.