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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

323 replies

JustCause · 07/12/2009 17:59

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/12/2009 19:22

Is there anything anyone can say that will stop you from taking him back, or does it have to be the hard way?

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 19:23

Yes I have read Saint Lundy.
He is attending the course (its run through SW)because a seperate worker is assigned to the partners.

OP posts:
Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 19:25

OP< I am so sorry about your childhood. It could well explain why you want to try so hard. You need to break it down, and think abut what frightens you about letting go and stopping trying with this one...would you feel then that you had lost everything? (as you might if you didn't keep trying with your parents)

or that you were to blame somehow...

how horribly sad. It sounds as though yo are benefiting from the counselling...however you might be feeling vulnerable because of that and therefore feeling a need to 'slip back' into your old pattern. That's very common. However if you work through it...I'm certain you'll reach a point where this bloke and what he symbolises will mean nothing to you. He's just a symbol of what you never had and part of you inside is very very angry about this, and grieving.
This is powerful stuff. But none of it is really about him.

Well done for getting this far - don't let him have you now - your're nearly out of the hole He just wants to grab your ankle and drag you back in.

IndigoSky · 07/12/2009 19:26

Would you show him this thread?

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 19:26

Snorbs I know you have been there and speak from experience.

Morloth, harsh question but no, nothing will stop me.

OP posts:
curiositykilledhaskittens · 07/12/2009 19:27

YANBU but you ARE being very stupid IMO. If you still love him and think things may work out in the future and that he is trustworthy and can change then you have set yourself up to fail by taking him back while he is changing rather than when he has changed.

When he hits you he can say he is trying but hasn't got there yet and he needs your support to get him through or it'll all go wrong again. Then you'll be back to square one. I think it takes a special kind of bastard to hit someone they love repeatedly never mind someone they have a child with.

I believe mathanxiety on page 1 is probably right but you are working on what ifs so no amount of reality is going to convince you. If you insist on being with him please don't live with him or sleep with him until he has proved himself for a good amount of time. I agree that he'd still be with the OW if she wasn't pressing charges.

I think you should go back to Women's Aid until you don't want to be with him anymore TBH and that would be better for DD than waiting for him to change.

coppertop · 07/12/2009 19:27

This is probably just my cynical side showing but my first thought was that he is doing the course and trying to get back together with you to make him look better when the assault charge goes to court.

His solicitor will be able to stand up and say that Mr X is a reformed character who has been on an anger management course and is trying to re-build his life as a family man.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 07/12/2009 19:29

I don't know about the size of this bloke's ego, but fuck the OP has an ego the size of a planet!

Do you think you can change him ? Are you so special that his abusive personailty will miraculously change ?

What psycho bullshit are you getting out of taking back a dangerously-violent criminal?

Is it the "attention" from all these friends/support systems/agencies etc that you are getting off on ?

If you don't "need" him, why are you placing yourself and dc in danger ?

You are one sick puppy, truly

victoriascrumptious · 07/12/2009 19:29

Run though SW? What is SW?

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 19:30

No I wouldn't show him this thread. This is my private space and I dont want to involve him. I have opened my heart to some extent but I remain wary.

He has a long way to go before I would trust him again.

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/12/2009 19:31

Well then I hope one day your DD can forgive you, good luck - you are going to need it.

Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 19:31

Very good point Copper

and probably spot on.

OP - I'm not saying any more because frankly this is a waste of my time, energy and stress levels if you're not taking any notice. I don't want to discuss with you why you shouldn't do something you're just going to go and do anyway, as it's upsetting me.

So I'll wish you sense and good fortune and leave you to it.

BellsaRinging · 07/12/2009 19:32

You know what everyone on here thinks, and I can't really add anymore to it. You seem to be set on giving him another go. But I will ask/suggest one thing-what is the rush? If you're going to do this why not say, "let's wait until we've both finished the course/counselling, and have no contact whilst we concentrate on that, and then in, say 2 months let's get together and see if we both still want a relationship". No harm, if he's genuine, in that delay.

Not that I think it's the best thing to do taking him back, but if you're going to then why rush?

Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 19:33

Beacause she's frightened of losing him Bella. Which is justified as she would if she stopped sleeping with him/promising it at some stage.

IndigoSky · 07/12/2009 19:34

I agree with coppertop and will follow FlightAttendant off the thread for the same reasons.

And AnyFucker makes some interesting points too. Perhaps give them some thought JustCause.

Good luck. To you and your daughter.

dittany · 07/12/2009 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 19:36

I mean he isn't going to hang about is he, if he's not going to get laid/a chance to thump her/etc. Whatever it is he wants from these 'relationships' he seems intent on having.

If she waits a few months he'll find a quicker option and she'll not hear from him again till he fucks up the next one too, and thinks she might still be up for it.

Lovely.

Jujubean77 · 07/12/2009 19:36

I feel such pity for you and angry on behalf of your DD. After all that time away, you are still at his beck and call.

Your self respect must be in the gutter to take him back. What is most awful is that you are inflicting a potential childhood of fear and violence on an innocent child who has no choice in this. You are meant to be her protector and look at what you are doing.

Harsh but true. You need to hear harsh.

WhoIsAskingSantaForCake · 07/12/2009 19:37

Oh Lord.

I think your last post says it all really JustCause. If nothing is going to stop you on this course (which IMVHO is not only self destructive, but also destructive for your DD) then I'm just going to wish you luck.

I think my reaction would probably be more measured had your XP completed a course and proved himself, by acting like a decent man towards you, and towards other women for a sustained period of time. This doesn't appear to be the case thus far. I know you think you can handle him, but honestly? Honestly, do you believe that? Because, ultimately this isn't just about you two anymore is it?

mrswill · 07/12/2009 19:39

Oh FFS,

Men like this NEVER change. I run the Freedom Programme for women not the men, and this literally could have come from one of our discussions. Usual cycle of bullshit, after one woman has the hump after being beaten etc, he'll usually fall back on another woman - generally a woman who'll fall for the bullshit he'll feed her, an ex etc. He'll tell her everything she wants to hear, changed, on a anger management, FP for men, and bam, she falls for it. A year later he'll probably be back with the other woman, the cycle will then repeat.

I thought they had stopped doing the mens workshops?? Be warned, the mens programmes have come under criticism for arseholes taking them, and learning how to keep their abuse under the radar, or at least be more sneaky about it. Google it.

I dont mean to be offensive - but your posts are full of the usual crap that women tell themselves inorder to get back with this kind of scum - 'he knows what he has to lose' 'i dont need him' giving him another chance etc. Men like him dont care about this sort of thing, they want to dominate and control, and once hes wormed his way back in, you wont know your arse from your elbow inorder to think straight.

Look in your daughter eyes, and then think do you really want to take a shot in the dark chance, what your doing by even thinking of taking this chump back is playing russian roulette with her future and safety - will he change - wont he, fuck it i'll give it a go - fingers crossed, is not the attitude you want to be taking with a proven abuser when you have a small child.

Deep down you know hes a prick, just let the dream go.

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/12/2009 19:42

You know if he hits you just once, that could kill you? It does and has happened in the past - think of the court cases where people have brawled in the street and one punch has ended in a murder/manslaughter charge.

Why in God's name would you risk that for your DD?

dittany · 07/12/2009 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 19:44

I have to go now, but I am taking notice. Please don't stop posting just because you don't think I am.
Anyfucker, that is food for thought. When I was very young my family had involvements with Social Services because of my brother...and something a therapist subsequently said to me makes me think you are right. Which is shocking and painful.

I dont want my DD to grow up with a sick puppy for a mother. I dont want her to replicate my life.

OP posts:
lizziemun · 07/12/2009 19:46

I have a freind who did exactly what you are doing.

Her h hit and left for OW, she was left with her 3 dc. She took him back (slowly) after 6 mths because he had 'changed' did the councilling and everything she asked him to do.

And 3 years later she and her dc are in a refuge (and have been for 8mths) while waiting for the case to go to court (GBH and attempted murder). She has lost 90% of her business because she is unable to go to her home town for her safty her dc have lost all their freinds and have had to move school/nursery.

All the time he is sitting in their Million pound home and businesses.

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/12/2009 19:46

You can't change him and he's not worth the effort anyway.

You will set a terrible example to your DD if you go through with this, at the very least. At the very worst..