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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

323 replies

JustCause · 07/12/2009 17:59

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

OP posts:
dittany · 07/12/2009 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:35

Solid, I was hoping you would be along.
I am not living with him.

Yes I believe in the possibility of redemption. But this is his only chance.

He wont hit me. I am more looking out for him taking the piss than actually being physically or even emotionally abusive. I wont stand for any sign of it.

I wont settle for anything less than a mutually respectful, loving and healthy relationship. He can either provide this or he cant. I've told him so.

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 07/12/2009 18:36

YABVU.And how can you say that he won't hit you? I'm quite sure that OW didn't believe he'd hit her either and he did.

sb6699 · 07/12/2009 18:38

He wont hit you. Why not?

Mishy1234 · 07/12/2009 18:38

IMO people don't change and even if he does manage to control his aggression after this course, it will always be in the back of your mind and you will never be able to trust him.

For your sake and that of your child, you need to remove him from your life as quickly as possible and keep him out. As long as he's in your life you will never be able to move on and meet someone who deserves you.

Do it and do it now.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:38

OW would have taken him back if he hadn't got back to me.
She pressed charges because he did.
She said that him going back to me hurt more than the assault.
This is true.

So motives a bit skewed there.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 07/12/2009 18:41

You said, she agreed to take him back then changed her mind.

Sorry, I dont meant to nitpick but this relationship is wrong on so many levels.

dittany · 07/12/2009 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 07/12/2009 18:42

It would be a cold day in hell before I had a man like that in my kid's life.

Her motives are skewed, I find myself agreeing with previous posters that it would seem that the only person with any sense in this situation is the OW for pressing charges (whatever her motivation, she wouldn't have had the option if he hadn't hit her).

Madness.

Morloth · 07/12/2009 18:42

There should have been a "?" after "skewed".

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/12/2009 18:46

Hmm.

"OW would have taken him back if he hadn't got back to me.
She pressed charges because he did.
She said that him going back to me hurt more than the assault.
This is true.

So motives a bit skewed there."

His motives, you mean? He's gone back to you to upset the OW, is that what you meant? Sorry, I'm less enthusiastic than I was - and I wasn't that enthusiastic to begin with.

LetThereBeRock · 07/12/2009 18:47

This is not an acceptable situation for you to place your dd in.
Actually it isn't an acceptable situation for you to be in either,but at least you're an adult and therefore able to make the choice to live with an abusive partner.

This is like returning to a lit firework that hasn't gone off yet, sure it may fizzle out but it's far more likely to go off when you least expect it, in spite of how confident you are that it won't.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:48

He may yet go to prison.
I dont blame OW, he has to face up to what he did.

Thanks everyone, I posted on this thread to keep perspective and your opinions are valuable.

I am giving him the chance to be the man I think he could be. If he wants to make the most of that, he'll gain a good relationship and a family.

If not he can get lost.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/12/2009 18:48

OK, not feeling so favourable about the OW now.

You say this is his only chance, but actually it's not. He had a chance the first time around with you, and he left you for someone else after a hellish relationship. He thinks the OW only pressed charges because she's jealous. He's getting a very ambivalent message at best from both you and the OW. When you say, 'OK, come back, but this your last chance', he's hearing 'come back, all is forgiven', because he rightly assumes there's something in this for you that makes him worth taking the chance for. He wouldn't do anything unless there was something in it for him, some perceived reward, and he assumes you operate on the same principle. As a result, he doesn't feel contrite, he feels powerful, because he thinks deep down that he has something you need.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 07/12/2009 18:49

Yes, why on earth would you want to put you and your DC in such a risky environment.

LetThereBeRock · 07/12/2009 18:51

He had his chance. He screwed up. He doesn't deserve another chance, not when it puts your dd's health and well being at risk.

BellsaRinging · 07/12/2009 18:51

Well, I do think that if he's done it once he'll always resort to violence as a last resort, no matter what course he's been on. I would also ask where your information about the OW has come from? Because it sounds as if it came from him, and if it did I see a cycle of blaming her and failing to take responsibility for his actions there already.

dittany · 07/12/2009 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetThereBeRock · 07/12/2009 18:52

And no he hasn't been a selfish,nasty,dangerous prick,he is a selfish, nasty and dangerous prick.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:53

No, his motives aren't skewed. I meant hers. She went away for two weeks, after which time she found out we were back together, and sent a variety of contradictory texts, ranging from she was happy he was with someone who loved him, to how could he, how dare he, she still loved him etc etc.

This went on for a week (he showed me the texts) and then silence.

OP posts:
Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 18:53

I don't know what that course is you mention. I imagine it's some kind of CBT based stuff that's supposed to undo deep seated aggression and a highly disrupted emotional state within a few months?

It takes YEARS for an abuser to change...if they ever do...YEARS and YEARS.

I don't think I would risk it myself. He sounds like a complete twat in any case, sorry. but if that's something you're comfortable with nobody here is likely to change your mind.

Why do you think he had the gall to get in touch with you again after he ditched you for another bird? Because he sees you as an outlet for his aggression. He is using you, really fucking using you and it is so very sad that you can't see it.

I'm really sorry to be blunt but there's no point saying anything but the truth here.

Morloth · 07/12/2009 18:54

So what does he have to do for you to leave him? Hit you? Hit DD? Run back to OW if/when she drops charges and calls?

IndigoSky · 07/12/2009 18:56

Am I right in thinking that the only reason he came back to you was because the OW finished with him/wouldn't accept his violent behaviour?

Amazing post dittany.

Good luck JustCause. I hope it all works out for you (whatever you decide to do).

Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 18:57

...and he only contacted you after SHE told him to fuck off? LISTEN to your story. How bad do you feel about yourself to accept this???!!!

I am so sorry you are stuck in this situation, Please, for the love of God get as far from his creepy little hands as you can.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 07/12/2009 18:58

Hmm, big alarm bells that you're saying the OW only pressed charges becaue he dumped her. Next thing he'll be telling you he didn;t hit her at all and she's making it all up because he dumped her and she is a crazy bitch and it's you he loves... because you wouldn't call the police over a little bit of fuss like two cracked ribs and a broken nose when boohoo he didn't mean it and will never do it again...

Honestly, there are plenty of other men in the world. I really wouldn't waste any more time on this one.