To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

[JustCause]

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

Just caught up with the posts

Erm, why come on and ask peoples opinion if you've made your mind up anyway.

I feel sympathy for your DD, a violent abuser on one hand, and a mother who'll inflict a childhood of fear and abuse on her - because she has 'feelings'. Sigh.

justcause - You are making all the right noises but if what you say is true, you don't want your daughter in that situation, you are taking notice then heed mrswill's post.

At any rate, if he is one of the few who really can change then it will take him years to be ready to have a proper relationship. This piddling course he's doing to make himself look better is not likely to change anything at all. The fact that he's asking to get back with you this early at best means he doesn't understand what he'll have to put into his efforts to change and at worst means he has no intention of changing. He might want to be with you but nothing in his behaviour says he is capable of treating you well, being with you will give him more reason not to change.

Hi dittany,

what usually hear in work off women, is that either the man moves onto someone else after getting bored of abusing the same woman for a period of time. For really serious offenders - the woman has no choice in ending the relationship, he does some time in prison, and she is moved away from area.

Or sometimes, very sadly, women only make the change, or have the strength too, when social services gets involved because of Domestic violence, and children are accomodated or are threatened with this, unless the relationship ends. There are lots of different circumstances but generally they seem to fall into these. Very sad indeed to work with, when you know theres a much better life out there for people, instead of fear, violence, and agencies in and out of your life on a frequent basis.

OP, I have an inkling who you are

I am so so sorry

Please heed my words and the others on this thread

Has there ever been such a consensus of opinion on one thread ?

I really don't know why you want people to keep posting. You are there, back in the nightmare. How will all our protestations help? Other than feeding your attention-seeking?

Strangely, you appear to be posting and thinking quite clearly.

It's just that you have made the wrong decision. Now switch your decision and start thinking clearly about that and see where it takes you.

Your DC truly does not deserve this danger. If nothing and no-one can change your mind, you are thoroughly selfish. You can do as you please, ignore warning signs and run with your strange notion of love (this is not what love looks like by the way). Your child should not be exposed to such an awful situation. The safety and security of your own child isn't enough to stop you? Shame on you.

vivia, if this is who I think it is, all this stuff has been said to the OP before

we are all wasting our time and energy

and putting horrible thoughts/images into our heads for nothing

I've found this thread very sad to read. Op - even if you took the abuse out of the equation - then you are talking about going back to a man who shagged another woman, moved in with her and then only when she threw him out did he think about coming back to you and your baby. That's really dreadful behaviour, destroying trust, letting your child down and then forming a new relationship which meant enough for him to leave but also means so little that when it ends he's straight back to you.

Now add the violence to this and what you have is a man who has not only betrayed you in every possible way but who has also become dangerous.

What you seem to want to do is put yourself back there 'to be a family'. Ok - wake up to yourself - you were never a family. This man has manipulated you and controlled you and he thinks he can do this for as long as he wishes. Adult men don't change away from this behaviour, they never do. Please DO NOT put yourself at this man's mercy. You will spend a long time waiting to regret it and then an even longer time regretting it.

That was my point really (sorry to come back in so late) if she waits for a few months she's lost nothing and knows he's shown at least some commitment to the process and her. It's not going to happen, but it's a test. He'll fail, but she feels like she's given him a chance, without risking her safety. In the meantime, maybe she's gained some strength to tell him to fuck off before he hurts her even more.

Thing is, unfortunately some of us have to learn the hard way.

This thread could have been about me a few months ago. And those of you that have read my thread know where I am now. I learnt the fucking hard way instead of taking good advice.

The worst thing? Not the effect on me. But the effect on DS. He is beginning to have real issues now and is extremely clingy and cries as he is worried about me. He is FIVE FFS!

It is not the OP I worry for - she obviously knows what she is getting into and has admitted nothing will make her do otherwise. I worry for her DD...

Something i think you should factor into your decision JustCause.

I wasnt going to put this down as i know it is a sensitive subject for many posters but i think you need all the facts at your grasp, and if you dont already know.

When, sorry, if he becomes abusive again, and the police get called. They will then make a referral to Social services because of domestic violence. With his background and your previous relationship and willingness to resume it so quickly after he has been arrested for beating another woman up, you do not want to be under their spotlight. All it will take is one incident, and there'll be a whole lot of extra people, scrutiny in your life, and it may end up with very serious consequences.

I have not read all postings, so I apologise now if I am merely repeating the opinion of others. The chronology would seem to be :-

He hit you.
He left you for OW.
He hit her.
She threw him out.
He came back to you.
She pressed charges.

But in my cynical little mind I see extra steps :-

He hit you.
He severely damaged your self-esteem.
He left you for OW.
He severely damaged your already damaged self-esteem.
He hit her.
She threw him out.
He spent two weeks alone and decided life is much more comfortable having a woman running round attending to his needs and wishes.
He realised OW had enough self-esteem to possibly press charges and started thinking about what his lawyer could claim as mitigation in sentencing.
He decides to go on whatever course is currently trendy in DV.
He realises he can kill two birds with one stone - the course can be used not only to fend off prison, but as a tool to jemmy his way back into you life so that he can have someone, anyone, tending to his home comforts again.
He comes back to you, still with damaged self-esteem (why else would you see him at all?) and soft-soaps his way under your fuckwit-radar.

My god are you being unreasonable. Get out now and do not subject yourself and DD to this again.

mrswill talks sense - that is an excellent point.

You are looking at this from your POV. Others who may well end up looking in from the outside will look at your DC and see things very differently.

If you won't listen to the excellent advice everyone has given you, think about that instead.

I cannot see how you could even countenance taking him back. You say you love him. Well get over it. Sorry but that's the way it has to be.

Think of your dd. Have some empathy for your child. Does she really have to grow up knowing that she came second best to parents who were more preoccupied with playing out their emotional damage than ensuring her emotional needs are met?

If you see your relationship through your child's eyes it is indefensible. Perhaps you might like to show her this thread if she ends up an adult with a violent man of her own. At least she'll get some good advice.

OP I know that making you feel bad is the worst way to facilitate any change and I am impressed with how you are able to hear what is being said and not become defensive. I say impressed, because I really hope it's because you are minded to listen and not because you are enjoying the attention, drama and the powerfullness of abusing others through making them feel the horror of your situation, so that you don't have to.

You are choosing him over your daughter.

You are choosing yourself over your daughter.

If you were to actually think of your daughter for a minute you wouldn't get back with him.

What has the poor child ever done to you, that you go and do this to her?

op you are a silly silly girl

OP Run as fast as you can away from this evil bastard of a man.
DO NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.
This is what hes thinking< " JC is stupid, ive lost my OW, shes not stupid enough to let me use her as a punch bag. what do i do ? I know JC is stupid, she let me walk all over her, use and abuse her and put up with it - until i left her for OW. JC is a sap and will take me back- i can have my little punchbag JC again, All i have to do is go on a crappy course and learn the right things to say and tell JC i still love her and im in there .>
do not take him back - you are worth much much more than this.

I was in a similar (I suppose) relationship for 6 years.

I left.

We were apart for almost 5 months.

In that time we stayed in contact, he "cleaned up his act", got help, was so remorseful it was incredible. Literally, as it turns out.

We got back together.

He moved in 2 months later.

He tried to kill me 2 weeks later by throttling me when I said I thought it was too soon to get engaged.

I thank God every few days that we didn't have children to get involved in MY monumental F** up.

I'd say you were stupid, but actually I just think you haven't had time to change from the first time, when you "let" this happen. You haven't deprogrammed from thinking this is OK. You may disagree, but given what AF has said, I won't spend any longer trying to persuade you.

Good luck.

Okay, came back to see if there was anything else I could add but seems all has been covered.

Surely reading this thread you cant think it sensible for you to continue this relationship.

For your own sake and that of your daughters I really do hope you take heed.

Stay safe x

PLEASE please stay away from him. Stay safe. Leopards and spots. If he's making you feel you need him to feel good about yourself, that is a strong warning sign that you really must stay away.

This is heartfelt and not anti men at all.

There are lots of decent people out there without retracing your steps to old ground.

I agree with Mathanxiety 18.48 when she says that he doesn't feel contrite. He feels powerful in the 'relationship'. He has treated you as badly as it is possible to treat somebody and you still want him back. You and the OW both still want him, and are quick to believe the worst of eachother and the best of him!!! it beggars belief

What ARE your motivations for going back to him? Do you feel you owe him yet another chance? You don't. If you do feel you owe it to him or if you feel responsible for his happiness (even though he's cause you a lot of UNhappiness) then that's not love. It's that dysfunctional bond.... you can break that if you get rid of him!!

I agree with Dittany and solid as well, the only thing to say to a man who has hit you (and others!) is fuck off.

Really.

Start a new life. You can. You don't have to keep rehearsing this old life trying to get it right.

I maybe banging my head against a brickwall here JustCause, but have a good read up on the stats of Domestic Violence -

How Domestic violence correlates highly with children being abused in a household.

How many more times likely it is that a woman is killed when finishing the relationship.

How the woman maybe harassed for many years after finishing the relationship.

Imagine your DD is older and has to make the same decision you have to make and has your vulnerable grandchild in tow, what would you advise her?

I shouldnt be playing into whatever dramathon you're on, but life doesnt have to mean drama, and love and relationships are not supposed to hurt. dittany, tis true, it is like watching a car crash.