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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

323 replies

JustCause · 07/12/2009 17:59

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

OP posts:
victoriascrumptious · 07/12/2009 18:59

I have a background in psychology. When you talk about a 'Pat Craven-type' course;-what exact course are you talking about and who is running it?

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 18:59

Quite Dittany, I know you have been there too.

I agree about feelings. I do have feelings for him, but it is my choice to give him another chance and I feel it is safe to do so. Only time will tell if I am right.

His contact with me and DD is restricted. He has not just walked back into my life and everything be as it was (IYSWIM) I have set limits and conditions and he is agreeing to them.

I don't need him in my life. He knows what he has to lose.

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 07/12/2009 19:00

Not as much as you and your dd have to lose should he snap again,and he's very likely to do so.

Morloth · 07/12/2009 19:02

No he doesn't, he already threw it away once.

Does this ever work out? Ever? Has anyone ever taken back an abusive/cheating ex and gone on to have a real relationship?

From what you have written here he is a complete and utter prick, you should toss him and find someone worth your time and effort.

dittany · 07/12/2009 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetThereBeRock · 07/12/2009 19:03

And if you don't need him in your life why take him back? It's insane to put yourself in that situation again. And it may be your choice but you're forcing your dd into a potentially very dangerous situation by making that choice.

Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 19:04

Solidgold is spot on as usual.

And Dittany...she's right, I know you have feelingts for him...but that doesn't mean you should be acting on them. It means you should be getting bit of therapy in place for yourself or doing some seriously insightful personal work, on your own, to examine WHY you would feel this way about a louse who has whacked you, cheated on you, and may very likely do so again.

You can keep the feelings, as important as they are to you - and I know how important they are, I've also loved a fuckwit (but not a violent one, myself)

You get to love him or fancy him or whatever, but he isn't there being a risk to your safety. It stays within your head and heart. And gradually as you take these complex feelings to bits, they will start to fade and become less compelling to act on...you will be so relieved one day that you walked away from this idiot and kept your daughter safe.

Meanwhile see how he reacts if you ditch him this time. I bet he begs you to stay and 'trust him a little bit'...but once you've stopped sleeping with him, just sit back and watch the promises and commitment and turning up to his group, scuttle away - he'll be back with the OW or some other poor bird who will not make a fuss about being threatened or hit.

Almost 100% guaranteed.

dittany · 07/12/2009 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 19:07

I have to say your posts are freaking me out and making me wonder whats wrong with me, and whether its love or some kind of Stockholm Syndrome.

God I sound pathetic dont I?

"I love him...I want to give him another chance"

But that's why I posted on here. Because of all you straight talkers.

OP posts:
Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 19:08

OP - sorry to ask but was your own father abusive? Did your mother put up with abuse?

This could be one reason why you are OK about this guy and feel the need to 'stick by him'.

victoriascrumptious · 07/12/2009 19:09

what course is he doing?

wahwah · 07/12/2009 19:10

Not much I can add to the sensible advice here. If you want to accept a shit relationship then that's your look out, but if you want to teach you child to do the same, then shame on you. I know this sounds harsh, but I agree with everyone who is telling you that you deserve better. I hink anyone who really wanted to change their behaviour would respect you enough to return into your life actually changed, however long his might take.

mrspnut · 07/12/2009 19:11

Have you done the Freedom Programme yourself?

Because if you haven't then he definitely can't undertake the Freedom programme for men, and also he would probably need to undertake a proper perpetrator programme as well.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/12/2009 19:12

I just googled Pat Craven, and the Freedom Programme is not for abusers. What's he told you about it?

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 19:12

Interesting point Dittany. No I'm not afraid of that. He would have no choice to but to get lost if I told him to. And he would have to go quietly.

DD adores him. But I am aware that a bad partner can never be a good father.

OP posts:
dittany · 07/12/2009 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 19:15

Its not the Freedom Programme, I dont want to post too much info on it for obvious reasons.

They work with the partners as well, so you are kept informed.

He self-referred to it, which they confirmed to me.

OP posts:
victoriascrumptious · 07/12/2009 19:15

Oldladyknowsnothing-there are versions of the Freedom programme run for men. They are really bad news in my opinion and unsafe. Freedom for Women is fine but the mens version of it.....blargh!

Mrspnut is right, if he's going to effect change he needs to be on a proper perpetrator programme

Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 19:16

Exactly - if he was fully penitent he wouldn't have dared ask for another chance...'Oh the OW has ditched me, can I have a go with you again?'

He's a leech and a louse. Kick him to the kerb.

and please answer VS - what is the course?

dittany · 07/12/2009 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IndigoSky · 07/12/2009 19:17

Putting aside the violence for a second, I think you are wrong wrong wrong to take a man back if he comes back to you only because he's been dumped by someone else, esp if that someone else is the OW. You are selling yourself short and allowing yourself to be treated as the easy/no effort required option.

Are you really saying you are only second best? You deserve to be someone's first choice, not their second best option.

Flightattendant · 07/12/2009 19:17

X posts, sorry - but seriously - it sounds like he's only doing it to get abck into your bed.

and are you sure he's really turning up to it? How do you know?

dittany · 07/12/2009 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JustCause · 07/12/2009 19:20

I certainly don't want a shit relationship. And the time away from him, spent with many decent people, changed my perspective of what I thought was acceptable.

In answer to the poster who asked, I had an emotionally distant father and sick mother. No affection, needs not getting met. Doesnt take a genius to work out why I'd want to try where others wouldn't bother.

I am getting counselling through Women's Aid, and its very helpful.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 07/12/2009 19:21

In giving him the chance to be the man you think he could be, you're ignoring the reality of who he is.

He had that chance when you were in a relationship together. He fucked it up by being a violent twat. He then had that chance again in a new relationship. He fucked that one up, too, by again being a violent twat. Spot the pattern?

I find it very sad that you have re-started this relationship so soon after his ex kicked him out because of his violent behaviour. So soon, in fact, that it's way too early to be able to tell if this course is going to make any lasting difference to him or if he's just playing nice for now so he gets his feet under the table. Abusers tend to be very charming (at first) and very good at telling us what we want to hear. That's how they get away with it, of course.

Take care.