to wonder why some women 'bother' to have children???

[babiesblue]

I know a woman who had her dc around the same time I had my 1st. Our mothers are friends.
Just recently Mum has told me about meeting up with her and her Mum at some social event.
This woman spent the entire meeting explaining to my Mum about how busy she is at work, and how little time she gets to spend with her dc. Dc goes to stay with grandparents on Sunday evenings so that they can do the nursery run on Monday mornings (so that she doesn't have to get dc ready as she's getting herself ready for work - grandparents bring the child to nursery every morning also and collect in evening). Apparently (at 2yo) dc has never slept through the night, and she's exhausted. Her husbands mother, once a week, delivers a week's worth of food to her house for the child to eat.
And, since I've now had my 2nd dc, she was asking how we all were, and saying that herself and her dh were thinking about having a 2nd baby.
My point is, although I think she's very lucky having all the help from her family, I just can't help feeling that she isn't actually looking after the child she has, let alone would be able to look after a 2nd!!!
Also (now maybe you think I'm being really mean???) she works full-time - fair enough - and isn't home before dc goes to bed most nights (relies on grandparents again), so doesn't really see dc that much during the week, but at the weekends she continues to make arrangements with friends to meet up and go to the ballet, the opera, the theatre (where she saw my Mum), out for lunch or dinner, and so therefore still doesn't see her dc.

AIBU to wonder why she's planning to have another child when she hardly sees the one she has???

"I think it is quite reasonable for anyone to question the wisdom of this woman having another child when she can't obviously cope it would appear with the demands and practicalities of one child."

Well, we've only got one side of the story, and that from a less-than neutral source.
She had a moan to the OP's mother, who then passed it on. If smuggery runs in the family, then it could well be that the reality is very different from how it has been portrayed here.

i leave for work at 7.30 and get home at 6 on weekdays, i only see my ds for 2 weekends out of 4, i have a social life too, does that mean i shouldnt have him?

what about parents who work shifts,weekends are they bad parents?pragmatically people do what they have to do, and are accountable to themselves and their dc. so if/when dc ask why did you work mum/dad they can have that conversation as a family unit

regardless of what a nebby gossip thinks

Some SAHMs also spend time on here moaning about how hard it is looking after children, how they have no childcare, have to take their kids with them everywhere etc.
Some people just don't seem to enjoy their children much, I don't think it matters much if you work or don't, it's an attitude thing.

I think YABU and mean.

BTW, was that a criticism of the mother about the child not sleeping through the night at 2yo? If so, you're not only unreasonable, you've also been very lucky with well-sleeping babies

bb just you continue to judge on 3rd hand mammy gosip - maybe get a washing rope and you can hang over the line bitchin and bletherin aboot that poor womans neglected weans. cause yer mammy told you so

If its any comfort. We just sat with our DSs (age 7 and 9) at lunch and attempted to engage them in conversation. Cajoling them into telling us their concerns, thoughts, happiness, sadnesses, etc.

Nada. Nothing. Niet.

They just laughed when we complanied about their lack of communiction and said words to the effect of "We are with you. What more do you want?"

They just wanted to eat and get down. I am taking one of them to a party at 7.30 tonight and DW took them to Judo this morning. Sometimes I think our DSs are just happy we see them occassionally when they have no other social event to go to. They do not want us 24/7.

Parents cannot live their lives through their kids - what happens when they leave home? I am convinced this is where all the MIL problem stem from. A SAHM who will not let go as she has no other focus for her life.

You know, I look around at all those SAHM's and ask myself, why did they bother getting A levels and degrees?

Perhaps we should tell all our daughters that you can only have careers if you have a hysterectomy first?

AIBU?

StillSquiffy - I sort of agree with you. The average life for a woman now is 80 and there is a heck of a lot of living left after children.

the notion that one has a short window of opportunity before commiting to i-am-mother-i-am-goddess is scary

school exams until 17-18yo
uni and pg 4 years.22yo complete longer for vocational courses
gov stats say average age for first time mum is 30yo.
so 8 short sweet years to
work to pay off accumulated debt
climb greasy career pole
live independently
establish a relationship with partner whom to have dc with

and then what?

be expected to give it up?criticised for not giving up and putting career on hold?

I don't think the OP's being that unreasonable tbh.

Though she may find that her friend is planning to have another child to get a break from her job and see dc1! If she's complaining about the lack of time she spends with them, then it's obviously something she's thinking about.

Golly. Makes me wonder what my friends say about me .

I think there's a difference though Mollie.

I'm quite content working full time (as is dh). I don't complain about how little I see the children and nor does dh. I don't think we invite criticism (and I don't give a shit what people say behind our backs lol!).

I think it's different if you go out and complain about how little you see them while sitting in the theatre! I feel sorry for her tbh

I mean I don't complain about how little I see the children because I don't think I see them too little iyswim (I don't think of it that way iykwim). We are used to the way our family works and quite happy!

OP I think you need to keep your nose out of other people's business

Well you could have been posting about me other than that I've just gone off on mat. leave with dc2.

I worked full-time after dd because:

It made sense to try to progress through the tough bit of my career as fast as possible.

I love my job.

I really value the financial security that full-time work brings me and my family.

In addition almost all of dd's childcare has been provided by her loving grandparents and dp and I have continued to enjoy social lives.

Shoot me now op!

I think that I will go back part-time after dc2 because I think I will really struggle to give what is expected to my job and what I want to give to 2 dc but I do think that I've managed just fine with one dc and really you have no idea how well your friend is going or plans to manage having another dc.

I have (as I'm sure we all do) friends who have all sorts of different arrangements regarding work/looking-after-children. The question of whether they are 'good mothers' (much as I dislike that label anyway) seems to have little relation to how many hours they work. Has more to do with attitude, personality, balance with husband, help from family, personality of children, whether they love their work or just do it our of necessity & all sort of other issues.

Finding a balance between time spent with children & working (for those who have a choice to think about this balance & don't work FT purely through necessity) is not easy. In fact, I find it bloody hard & I'm always filled with guilt either towards my neglected work or towards my neglected child. Both feel neglected lots of the time despite my best efforts.

But that's life it seems. Each family finds their own balance & no outsider can really say what balance is best. As for a personal opinion about what the OP describes, the only thing I feel I can comment on is that the grandparents also have a responsibility / role in all this. They have agreed & accepted that they have the primary parental role, which for this family may work well, who knows. But this is not a decision that only the mother and father can be questioned about (not that I would question them). The grandparents are part of this decision too.

Last year dd1 was doing a project on the eighties and she asked my mum what things were like. My mum wrote her a long e-mail giving lots of detail - about the worries about nucleur war, the difference in shops from now - the double buggy didn't fit through any checkouts! and she mentioned how high interest rates meant my dad worked all week and aall morning at the weekends. This was a revelation to me because it means my sister and I hardly saw him when we were wee. Do you think I remember that? No, not at all - I remember my dad as being justas present as my mum who was there the whole time.

It takes more than time served to make a good parent. I don't care whether people stay at home or go back to work. I do think it's easier for everybody if a parent can be the main carer for the first year but that's not always possible. What does bug me though is the way some of my sisters think they do know how to do better, that I (by working full time) am damamging my kids and shirking my responsibilities. I have a life to live and children are a wonderful, wonderful part of that. They aren't part of it though just for the next 10 years but for the next 60 God willing. It's no good carrying on like this little part of your parenting life is the most crucial - because what are you going to do in 10 and 20 years?

There might be some underlying issues that the OP isn't aware of. Last weekend someone posted about how they wanted their time to themselves but lots of posters (including me) thought their life seemed pretty easy. Turns out the OP had suffered from depression and other issues which obviously made it harder for her. I work very hard and don't see much of ds during the week - so much so that I'm thinking of weekly boarding for secondary. I don't complain as there is nothing I can do to change it (other than giving up work and living on benefits).

both my parents worked ft.both fab parents who worked to provide.i love them for that,for all their efforts

Actually I agree with Northernlurker, I think she makes a valid point. I too grew up with hard working parents- particularly my dad, who was on call often etc & worked long, long hours. But my mum too worked FT from the time I was 6 onwards. I have to say I remember both parents being very present during my childhood. I was particularly close to my dad who, according to my mum, wasn't that involved in childcare at all & as I said worked very long hours. Still, he was just a very important part of my life. I remember him reading to us, playing with us, spending time with us. And we're still very close. I also remember wonderful times with the babysitters who worked with us, our parents made very good choices in the kind of help they had so that is part of my memories too & a very pleasant part too. So yes I don't think it's all reduced to actual time spent at all, it's much more complex than that.

she has no choice but to dine out at lovely restuarants and spend loads of time at the theatre etc etc yep, she's no choice but to work ft right enough...

YANBU I can see where you are coming from OP. I don't know anyone who in RL who is like this. Most prefer to spend every spare minute with their DC when they are not working, not galavanting off to the theatre.

oh don't start drumming up pointless arguments.

no not every minute with dc when im not working. i do see friends/cinema/theatre go hairdresser,gym alone.sometimes i like me time.just me.no dc or dp,just me.fabulous