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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder why some women 'bother' to have children???

272 replies

babiesblue · 28/11/2009 09:56

I know a woman who had her dc around the same time I had my 1st. Our mothers are friends.
Just recently Mum has told me about meeting up with her and her Mum at some social event.
This woman spent the entire meeting explaining to my Mum about how busy she is at work, and how little time she gets to spend with her dc. Dc goes to stay with grandparents on Sunday evenings so that they can do the nursery run on Monday mornings (so that she doesn't have to get dc ready as she's getting herself ready for work - grandparents bring the child to nursery every morning also and collect in evening). Apparently (at 2yo) dc has never slept through the night, and she's exhausted. Her husbands mother, once a week, delivers a week's worth of food to her house for the child to eat.
And, since I've now had my 2nd dc, she was asking how we all were, and saying that herself and her dh were thinking about having a 2nd baby.
My point is, although I think she's very lucky having all the help from her family, I just can't help feeling that she isn't actually looking after the child she has, let alone would be able to look after a 2nd!!!
Also (now maybe you think I'm being really mean???) she works full-time - fair enough - and isn't home before dc goes to bed most nights (relies on grandparents again), so doesn't really see dc that much during the week, but at the weekends she continues to make arrangements with friends to meet up and go to the ballet, the opera, the theatre (where she saw my Mum), out for lunch or dinner, and so therefore still doesn't see her dc.

AIBU to wonder why she's planning to have another child when she hardly sees the one she has???

OP posts:
violethill · 29/11/2009 10:24

OK, so the OP is clearly trolling, but sadly some women really do have similar views - the thread proves it!

People tend to judge when they are insecure/bored/threatened.

Those people who invest so much time and effort worrying about whether someone else 'ought' to have another child really need to take a long hard look at themselves and start to just do more with their own life. Idle hands and minds........

ssd · 29/11/2009 12:44

yeah yeah violet

why do some people shout "troll" when its a POV they don't like?

violethill · 29/11/2009 12:51

ssd - my reasons for thinking it's a troll are because it seems a tad odd to worry about something so much to go to the trouble of posting on MN about it, and then promptly disappear!

It's got nowt to do with simply not liking the pov. There are plenty of people who post with pretty unpleasant, judgemental posts who (unfortunately!) I suspect aren't trolls.

The OP, whether a troll or not, is judgemental and nasty. Why is it anyone else's business whether someone else has two children or six children, providing they can support them and they are not neglecting them or abusing them??? Why is it anyone else's business what the child care arrangements are?

blueshoes · 29/11/2009 13:01

posie, please enlighten as to what nonsense clemette is spouting that would justify swearing at her? I thought her posts were, whilst they of course reflect her view, fair and thought through.

ssd · 29/11/2009 13:02

nah violet, the reason you think the op is a troll is because she posted something you disagree with

her reasons for posting are only hers to know, also she may not have returned to the thread as it is the weekend and she has a life?? or does that just automatically make her a troll?

violethill · 29/11/2009 13:10

no ssd - I know my reasons for suspecting trolls - not you!

I think my own thoughts - you don't have a monololy on them!

violethill · 29/11/2009 13:19

You're correct about one thing though - I do disagree with people who interfere and nose into aspects of other people's lives which have nothing to do with them. Why the hell should the OP think that someone else shouldn't have a second child? If the other woman and her child are perfectly happy, and they have a set up which suits them (and the OP doesn't suggest at all that that the child is unhappy- unless this is one of those drip-feed jobs where the OP comes back later and adds new information!) then what the hell business is it of anybody else?

Live and let live

posieparker · 29/11/2009 13:37

Posie, no chip just lingering irritation at being told that YOUR way is the right way and people who choose a different way are somehow inadequate as parents.

This is what annoyed me.

And I haven't expressed a view for anyone to disagree with really....so I am rather that dimwitted posts keep appearing stating that I think everyone should do the same as me.

bibbitybobbityhat · 29/11/2009 13:39

So why post in AIBU at all Violet? I don't think the OP (troll or not) was interfering or nosing into anybody's life - she was merely speculating. And wondering aloud if she was being unreasonable or not to think what she did. Yours are some of the most sneering and unpleasant posts on this thread.

posieparker · 29/11/2009 13:41

clemette....please don't threaten me with past forums, I think you'll find that goes far far beyond what is acceptable on MN and makes you sound like a bully with the 'I know who you are crap' whilst you hide behind anonymity.

And as for swearing at strangers, how could we be, you know so much about the way I think, petal.

blueshoes · 29/11/2009 13:49

posie, it would make sense there is some history behind this. On heated threads, I am accused of saying things which are not an accurate inference from what I posted. You just correct it. Your reaction was so OTT. Anyway, I believe your sweary post has been deleted in any case.

violethill · 29/11/2009 13:50

If people are going to 'wonder aloud' about whether other people are entitled to have more children or not, and what their childcare set up is, then they clearly haven't got enough going on in their own life.

Bonsoir · 29/11/2009 13:55

violethill - are you completely unaware of how judgemental and gratuitously nasty that last post was? How can you condemn others for being judgemental and nasty when your own posts are as judgemental and nasty as yours are?

Gle76 · 29/11/2009 13:58

I don't see what the problem is, as long as the child gets lots of love what's wrong with having a life of your own?! Wish I had such a good social life.

violethill · 29/11/2009 14:00

Ah, but I thought judging was a good thing Bonsoir? Or was that just the other week

I stand by my point - I think the OP is judgemental in an unpleasant and utterly pointless way. If this other woman and her partner decide they want another child (or two!) why is it the OP's business? Just because the other woman has a different set-up, that doesn't make one way better than the other. Gosh, I would hope that even quite young children understand the concept that not everything has 'one size fits all' or a 'right and wrong answer'.

I really don't get why the OP (if it's genuine!) would be remotely bothered about how many kids someone else has,unless she's unhappy with some aspect of her own life.

bibbitybobbityhat · 29/11/2009 14:01

Do you never think about other people and how they do things and how they differ from you, what you could maybe learn from them? Or are you only interested in yourself and your incredibly busy life then Violet? And if so, why do you bother to post on Mumsnet?

Bonsoir · 29/11/2009 14:04

I never condemn anyone for judging, no. But you did! And then promptly did so yourself. Which side of the fence are you on? Just the one that is convenient for your immediate needs, perhaps?

violethill · 29/11/2009 14:04

Yes, I think we all think about how other people live their lives bibbity. And no, I would never post on MN saying that IMO another person shouldn't have another child.

Two quite different things! One is normal, human instinct. The other is being nosy and nasty.

Bonsoir · 29/11/2009 14:06

"I really don't get why the OP (if it's genuine!) would be remotely bothered about how many kids someone else has,unless she's unhappy with some aspect of her own life."

Again, this could be applied right back to you, violethill. Why are you getting so over emotional on this thread, unless something somewhere has touched a bit of a raw nerve about your own life? Is that senior job of yours a little overwhelming at times?

blueshoes · 29/11/2009 14:09

Bonsoir, what is this random reference to voilethill's senior job being overwhelming? Are you being nasty and holding grudges from past threads?

violethill · 29/11/2009 14:10

To the OP:

YABU: let the other woman decide the size of her own family (with her partner of course!) It is their decision. If they are happy with one child, they will presumably stop at one; if they want more, they'll try for more. Don't worry about it. Focus on your two children and your life.

To Bonsoir - no, not at all, but thanks for asking!

violethill · 29/11/2009 14:11

Don't worry blueshoes - she stalks me

NiceShoes · 29/11/2009 14:11

Bonsoir,Do you wish you had a more fulfilling life? Has this thread touched a nerve for you? In your non senior role.

posieparker · 29/11/2009 14:12

Blueshoes, I have no idea who clemette is and she has only insinuated on this thread that she may know me.

posieparker · 29/11/2009 14:16

Clemette please highlight where I may have said MY way is the only right way.