to wonder why some women 'bother' to have children???

[babiesblue]

I know a woman who had her dc around the same time I had my 1st. Our mothers are friends.
Just recently Mum has told me about meeting up with her and her Mum at some social event.
This woman spent the entire meeting explaining to my Mum about how busy she is at work, and how little time she gets to spend with her dc. Dc goes to stay with grandparents on Sunday evenings so that they can do the nursery run on Monday mornings (so that she doesn't have to get dc ready as she's getting herself ready for work - grandparents bring the child to nursery every morning also and collect in evening). Apparently (at 2yo) dc has never slept through the night, and she's exhausted. Her husbands mother, once a week, delivers a week's worth of food to her house for the child to eat.
And, since I've now had my 2nd dc, she was asking how we all were, and saying that herself and her dh were thinking about having a 2nd baby.
My point is, although I think she's very lucky having all the help from her family, I just can't help feeling that she isn't actually looking after the child she has, let alone would be able to look after a 2nd!!!
Also (now maybe you think I'm being really mean???) she works full-time - fair enough - and isn't home before dc goes to bed most nights (relies on grandparents again), so doesn't really see dc that much during the week, but at the weekends she continues to make arrangements with friends to meet up and go to the ballet, the opera, the theatre (where she saw my Mum), out for lunch or dinner, and so therefore still doesn't see her dc.

AIBU to wonder why she's planning to have another child when she hardly sees the one she has???

will this make it into the Daily Fail or some similar rag I wonder!

Scottish mummy - You seem particularly peeved by this post. I am enjoying how hard you are riding your martyred working mothers horse, must be hard in those Louboutins.

Likewise, it is not unheard of for some parents to hide behind 'working hard to maintain the family' to avoid spending family time together. I don't think it's black and white.

The bit that would bothers me is not wanting to spend some time with the child at the weekend REGARDLESS of whether you work or not. But that said, we don't know that it is actually true. Its just the OP's impressions.

dont have time to do peeved dahling!my horses,my louboutins- have we met?are you one of the gerls from the agency who watch my children whom i never see

oh my good friend (and role model) Miranda Priestley is on the blackberry must dash see what she wants now

haven't read the entire thread, but imo YANBU.
her child sounds like an accessory which she somehow felt she must have.

yes!children accessorise well with fur and leather

How does going to the ballet/opera/theatre on a weekend equate to not wanting to spend time with her DC? These are rarely 48 hour events afterall.

Oh but I forgot - if you work during the week you should spend every second of your time away from the office atoning for that particular sin

Daytoday, I just want to say how much I admire your two measured and well expressed posts on this thread.

So boring that every thread has to turn into a bunfight or attracts an audience just hoping for a ruck. But then, that is the fault of AIBU.

I agree that if you want to continue your career when you have children, and why not, you should probably cut back social stuff at the weekends.

I think it is quite reasonable for anyone to question the wisdom of this woman having another child when she can't obviously cope it would appear with the demands and practicalities of one child.

It's got nothing to do with whether she works, needs to work, but everything to do with where her child is on her list of priorities. If she works long hours, and doesn't see her child much at a weekend out of choice, then it does beg the question why does she want another.

She certainly appears to have a lot of family help, and the question really is, is that always going to be so- as an older MN with almost grown up DCs, I would certainly not want that level of child care with any grandchildren I might have.

She's very lucky to have that support.

clearly she is coping very well, with the help of family and friends and childcare

Anyway
to break the OP down

"Dc goes to stay with grandparents on Sunday evenings so that they can do the nursery run on Monday mornings (so that she doesn't have to get dc ready as she's getting herself ready for work - grandparents bring the child to nursery every morning also and collect in evening)"

Maybe, just maybe the child has a sleep over with the grandparents so that the grandparents can have some time with the grandchild. Lots of grandparents or other family members do the school run.

"Apparently (at 2yo) dc has never slept through the night, and she's exhausted."

yeah, and
?. Don't a lot of people experience this?

" Her husbands mother, once a week, delivers a week's worth of food to her house for the child to eat."

Is it just for 'the child' or does she do them a favour and do their shopping for them to help them out, why is this a bad thing?

"AIBU to wonder why she's planning to have another child when she hardly sees the one she has?"

YABU and jealous.

I sort of agree with purple but would change 'her' to 'their' and 'she' to 'they'.

daytoday I think I may stalk you now as yours was such a balanced reasonable post in the middle of a ruck.

I can only assume that the mum does spend some of her time at the weekend with the child otherwise it would be incredibly odd

YANBU

I know a mum like this, the Gran is knackered and often 'can't cope' (her words) and has the child 6am-7pm all week and most the weekends too while mum and dad play golf/gym/eat out/rest. Surely one/both could consider cutting back their hours for the childs sake?

EXACTLY TheShriekingHarpy. The point is not that she works full time, it's just that she doesn't seem to be coping well with one child, and one does wonder how she will cope with a second.

And perhaps I am a bit dim, despite my academic attainments, but isn't AIMBU about opinions? Odd that some posters think that it is wrong for people to have opinions or judgements.

I also have a two year old who doesn't sleep. We therefore spend a great deal of time together in the early hours even if I am away all day!
If this person has chosen this way, and her child is happy and loved then all power to her. I am always puzzled by the "why did she bother" question; perhaps she wanted to create a new person who would live their own life and make their way in the world? Perhaps she is having another because she wants her first to have a sibling. Neither of those mean that she has to enjoy the role of mother. I feel a but sorry for her - she has obviously not yet made the adjustment that most of us (are forced to) make, and is struggling to find her balance.
Perhaps OP could be more supportive - perhaps invite her for a social occasion that involves children to show her that life as a functioning adult can be combined with children!

a loving extended family is a positive not a negative.what a lucky wee girl to have mum,dad and grandparents

Tbh, i feel that the op is not being unreasonable to wonder about this situation, but is possibly being a bit unreasonable to start a thread on it, simply because it is going to upset some people who have to work long hours for their family to get by.

There are lots of people who perhaps 'shouldn't' have children, or more children, but that is their business.

Someone is a teenager on benefits, they shouldn't have kids

Someone who is trying to study/make a decent career, shouldn't have kids

Someone who doesn't have a decent career, shouldn't have kids

Someone in their late 30's shouldn't have kids

Someone who is unmarried shouldn't have kids

Basically, doesn't matter what your situation is, there is always someone telling you that you shouldn't have kids. You just have to worry about your own business.

Disclaimer: It is not my opinion that these people shouldn't have kids, just society iyswim?

Some SAHMs also spend time on here moaning about how hard it is looking after children, how they have no childcare, have to take their kids with them everywhere etc.
Some people just don't seem to enjoy their children much, I don't think it matters much if you work or don't, it's an attitude thing.
Agree if you work all week then not spending weekends with your kids is a bit strange, but maybe she just goes out sometimes. Many men after all work full time and have weekend hobbies.

The shriek I think we are saying the same thing.
I always think it's kind of ironic for posters to accuse others of being judgemental here, as the very nature of this forum invites opinions/judgements.

To get some peresective on this very bitchy thread,- wher I am sure a lot of posters are really wanting to have a dig at the OP whilst possibly secretly agreeing with her...

what she is saying is that in her opinion a child should be cared for mainly, where ever possible, by its mother, or mother and father.

There is no sociological evidence that a child cannot be just as happy or well adjusted when raised by another adult such as a grandparent, BUT it does beg the question as to whether the person she describes gains any satisfaction from being a mother, when it appears she does not want to take much of a part in the day-to-day parenting. Most mums want to be hands-on, but have some independence too- going out with friends etc. If this balance goes too much the other way, then yes, it does raise questions.

She may not have any choice over how much she work, and whether she needs to work, but she does have a choice over how often she sess her child at weekends. If she doesn't want to spend much time with him/her then surely it is very reasonable to wonder why she's want another if she appears to be avoiding spending time with the child she has?

of course working and children is compatible.we dont all parent same way. so the "i wonder.." is a reflection of op priorities not the pilloried mum priorities. loving extended family grandparents,mum and dad sounds ok to me

and the bottom line is no one else ever truly knows what goes on in another family.if the arrangement works for them- fair enough

I don't think OP unreasonable for thinking it. It does sound like she hardly ever spends time with her children. The thing I object to a little is that it sounds as though she is discharging out almost all of the childcare.

The thing about the social life at the weekends though I can't really agree with as it sounds they are mostly evening activities where the children would be asleep anyway.

I am not saying a career woman should not work - I do believe each to their own. In addition, if being at home makes a woman miserable then its better to be at work and for the time you spend with your children to be a happy time rather than you resenting it.

I see parenthood as like any relationship. At the end of the day you only get out what you put into it. If you don't spend time with your children you will never enjoy them or their company because you will never really know them.

I agree with ShriekingHarpy- v well put.

FGS! You would not be judging a man for leaving to go to work early and arriving home late. Just because she is a mother she has to live up to some saintly standard.