to wonder why some women 'bother' to have children???

[babiesblue]

I know a woman who had her dc around the same time I had my 1st. Our mothers are friends.
Just recently Mum has told me about meeting up with her and her Mum at some social event.
This woman spent the entire meeting explaining to my Mum about how busy she is at work, and how little time she gets to spend with her dc. Dc goes to stay with grandparents on Sunday evenings so that they can do the nursery run on Monday mornings (so that she doesn't have to get dc ready as she's getting herself ready for work - grandparents bring the child to nursery every morning also and collect in evening). Apparently (at 2yo) dc has never slept through the night, and she's exhausted. Her husbands mother, once a week, delivers a week's worth of food to her house for the child to eat.
And, since I've now had my 2nd dc, she was asking how we all were, and saying that herself and her dh were thinking about having a 2nd baby.
My point is, although I think she's very lucky having all the help from her family, I just can't help feeling that she isn't actually looking after the child she has, let alone would be able to look after a 2nd!!!
Also (now maybe you think I'm being really mean???) she works full-time - fair enough - and isn't home before dc goes to bed most nights (relies on grandparents again), so doesn't really see dc that much during the week, but at the weekends she continues to make arrangements with friends to meet up and go to the ballet, the opera, the theatre (where she saw my Mum), out for lunch or dinner, and so therefore still doesn't see her dc.

AIBU to wonder why she's planning to have another child when she hardly sees the one she has???

VH- if you don't want to read judgemental posts then why come to the AIBU forum? The very nature of these posts is often UR.

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong at all with the OP post.

Maybe some of you have led very sheltered lives, but I have often heard friends, neighbours, acquaintances, colleagues say exactly the same thing about mums who seem too busy to look after a child, and who then speculate about having more.

It does me make laugh when you all mention the dreaded word "judgemental"! Of course we are judgemental- who isn't if you are honest!

Life is very fulfilling, thanks . And I have a very interesting role right now - no ego issues at all - I don't feel the need to tell MN posters about it, however .

PP, agree.

PP-
I know it's a cold and wet Sunday, and we all wish we could be doing something else, but honestly, get a grip girls. This is a veritable mountain being made out of a tiny molehill of an opinion.

It is never 'judgmental' when you agree with the opinion . Funny that.

Posie, there had to be dome reason why you reacted to me so strongly (if you read back I hadn't said anything even controversial and still you swore). The only thing I could think f was you were harbouring old grudges. Not bullying, just puzzled by your vitriol.

As for what makes me think you disapprove or women who choose to work for the sake of their own careers, I have copied some quotes below:

"I don't think the two career driven adults that put their dcs in full time child care from 12 weeks to afford the massive house, the two brand new cars, the super holidays with kids clubs really think about their children when deciding their careers are too important to give up."
"No I think most people crowbar in what is fine for everyone because it suits the mould they have chosen to squeeze their family in. I am a SAHM, I want to stay at home, it suits my DH and I.... have I seriously considered sending the DCs to nursery so I can get my previous career back on track? No, I don't want to go back to work just yet. My place is here and the dcs belong with me until they all plod off to school. .

I don't think the two career driven adults that put their dcs in full time child care from 12 weeks to afford the massive house, the two brand new cars, the super holidays with kids clubs really think about their children when deciding their careers are too important to give up."
"most parents make decisions to suit themselves"

of course you are entitled to your own view, just as I am entitled to challenge it without being sworn at. Your one assumes that those who pursue a career do so for material motives, but it is of course far more complex than that.

i'm offsky to complete my paper,this thread has gotten way too personal and irascible.

curious how external comments eg DM galvanise everyone to effuse about mn spirit and solidarity

but one wind up post and everyone at each other throat. lets face it we all think and fervently believe we are doing the right thing by our children. because we are

no amount of hand wringing or arguing about this topic will make anyone change their mind or behaviours.dont have to like it, might not even agree.

but whatever works for you sister.

for me working isnt solely financial,it is vocationally and intellectually driven too.

Not women, people. I think careers are important but you can't have it all, if one of you wants to put in the hours and chase the dream then the other has to slow down a little.

Too much research suggests that fulltime care for children under one has a very negative impact, but then so can staying at home with a parent who prefers to spend their time chained to MN (ah-hem) or watching tv.

OOOOPppps, forgot to mention that important bit that if both parents working full time enables social elevating then it's a good thing.

Before I get flamed.

I spent far too much time debating the quality of that evidence in a thread elsewhere. Suffice to say that if you use words like "very negative impact" people are going to assume that you have a particular viewpoint. Just as you used (not quite sure what - still waiting to hear what exactly it was that made you swear) to assert that I was stupid, dim and weird.
I know I am labouring the point, but am genuinely puzzled by your reaction. I know MN have deleted it now which is obviously good, but I have got a tendency to push people to explain themselves if they are unnecessarily rude or aggressive. I really enjoy a good debate, part of which is examining the exact words that people choose, but I prefer to debate with people who use logic rather than insults.

Anyway, will potter off now...

Totally agree scottishmummy.

For me, the intellectual challenge, applying skills, learning new ones etc are all important aspects of working. Though of course the salary and pension are nice too

Always strikes me as a tad odd when people assume that others only work for material gain.

As I mentioned before, I gave up full-time work for full-time medical school so don't even get the material gain (and will possibly never regain my former salary). More to life than money!

good luck in your career,clemette.medicine is a fantastic career with many interesting specialisms too

Thanks - I loved teaching but life is too short to do the same thing forever!

Posieparker

This is not meant as an insult, but you do seem to get into a lot of nasty disputes on MN and I can't help wondering if people are perceiving you in a certain way because of your user name, which suggests you are a combination of interfering and overly-feminine. It maybe gives your posts a tone which you do not intend.

I generally don't remember who is who on MN, but you are memorable and I think it is because of the unfortunate qualities of your name.

note to self, must namechange.

I can imagine I will have to work f/t and will still want 'me time'.. but I do understand the musings of the OP.

As a child, I had a neighbour whose parents were diplomats. She was full-time nannied when we were tiny, and sent to full-time boarding school from 7, spending Summer holidays in various 'camps' apart from 2 weeks with her grandmother. She was one of four and yeah, I always wondered why her parents had chosen to have four children that they barely saw..

So as muminthemiddle says, it depends.. there's a difference between working f/t and having outside leisure interests and effectively having nothing to do with the rearing of your child (for mums and dads). I don't know why people do it - it seems strange to me.

And before anyone says 'but what's it got to do with you?' - well, nothing. But I don't understand it, and I don't think it's the best home environment for a child either..

think it is that posie swears at other posters

Well said MrsBean78.

we all have different priorities,different choices and whatever works for individual families is what matters. and one size doesn't fit all

and i think the op is a tick all the boxes post,quite manufactured.and boy it hit the mark for many