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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder why some women 'bother' to have children???

272 replies

babiesblue · 28/11/2009 09:56

I know a woman who had her dc around the same time I had my 1st. Our mothers are friends.
Just recently Mum has told me about meeting up with her and her Mum at some social event.
This woman spent the entire meeting explaining to my Mum about how busy she is at work, and how little time she gets to spend with her dc. Dc goes to stay with grandparents on Sunday evenings so that they can do the nursery run on Monday mornings (so that she doesn't have to get dc ready as she's getting herself ready for work - grandparents bring the child to nursery every morning also and collect in evening). Apparently (at 2yo) dc has never slept through the night, and she's exhausted. Her husbands mother, once a week, delivers a week's worth of food to her house for the child to eat.
And, since I've now had my 2nd dc, she was asking how we all were, and saying that herself and her dh were thinking about having a 2nd baby.
My point is, although I think she's very lucky having all the help from her family, I just can't help feeling that she isn't actually looking after the child she has, let alone would be able to look after a 2nd!!!
Also (now maybe you think I'm being really mean???) she works full-time - fair enough - and isn't home before dc goes to bed most nights (relies on grandparents again), so doesn't really see dc that much during the week, but at the weekends she continues to make arrangements with friends to meet up and go to the ballet, the opera, the theatre (where she saw my Mum), out for lunch or dinner, and so therefore still doesn't see her dc.

AIBU to wonder why she's planning to have another child when she hardly sees the one she has???

OP posts:
comewhinewithme · 28/11/2009 09:58
Hmm
scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 10:00

was it me i am very busy at work?use nursery ft too

Ewe · 28/11/2009 10:01

YABU it's none of your bloody business, maybe she has no choice but to work full time.

Assuming that her child is well looked after and loved you should keep your wondering to yourself!

pjmama · 28/11/2009 10:03

Don the hard hat and duck !

I have to admit tho, I kind of agree with you on the face of it. But it's usually more complicated than it appears to outside observers. I don't understand how anyone would be happy with seeing so little of their children as it certainly wouldn't suit me, but different families work in different ways I guess.

Lulumama · 28/11/2009 10:04

you are lucky not to have to worry working full time so as to keep a roof over your head and food on the table, lucky you have so much time to spend with your DCs and so much time to judge others as so imperfect.

babiesblue · 28/11/2009 10:05

thought I'd get replies as above...

Actually, she doesn't have to work for any financial reasons, she just loves her (very demanding) job.

scottishmummy, were you at the theatre in London last weekend ???

I think the child is very lucky to have such wonderful grandparents...

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 10:05

the nursery nurses tell me the dc are fine and the nanny writes fridge notes and i look on fb to see pictures of my dp. but i do have wee niggly problemo.my nosy nebby pal.who i think might be gossiping on mn about why did i bother having children...

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 10:07

it is me!i dont work for financial either.i do love my job

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 28/11/2009 10:08

I am a sahm and spend 24/7 with my dc (well until they started pre school etc) - this doesn't make me 'mother of the year' any more than the poor woman youare gossiping about babiesblue.

Having a supportive family enabling this woman to work is a good thing, the dc should be ok as long as s/he has plenty of contact with loving family members. If she would like another child that is up to her, there is no abuse or neglect here, so judge away but I think you need to get some proper perspective, fast!

babiesblue · 28/11/2009 10:08

Hope you enjoyed the play then (Mum didn't; she couldn't concentrate as you didn't stop telling her your woe's about lack of time spent with dc...)

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 28/11/2009 10:09

The child is looked after and loved by many, you should not define another person's relationships by your own and many men are in the same situation without such mean-spirited criticism.
Maybe she needs to hold onto her sense of self and identity by having a life other than one utterly devoted to her child, perhaps she's less good with 2 year olds but will be fantastic with a teen. Who knows? Not me, but then I'm not judging her.

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 10:09

no,i tell my analyst i pay to offload dahling

babiesblue · 28/11/2009 10:11

hee hee ...

I've created a monster!!!

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 28/11/2009 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Missus84 · 28/11/2009 10:12

I do kind of agree with you actually. I know a couple who have a weekday nanny and a weekend nanny, and can't help but think why did they bother with children at all. Even if both parents have to work full time, there has to be some balance there. People like these are quite unusual examples though.

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 10:12

i have soo much money from working (and not seeing dc) i can afford to tell a paid sychophant. would dream of blethering in theatre. anyway last time i went to theatre my on call phone rang loudly and i had to go...still i got paid for it

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 10:14

we have ft nursery and weekend agency nanny oh and a wee man does the garden

saltyseadog · 28/11/2009 10:14

YABVU babiesblue.

LOLOL at scottishmummy's 'nobby nosy pal' (couldn't have put it better myself) - how I miss living in Scotland .

It may be me too. I work in financial services, enjoy my job, have one child and am expecting another. Oh, and I had the audacity to go to the theatre with my girlfriends two weeks ago. The only difference is I get very little support from my parents - so I guess that makes me even worse ?

Missus84 · 28/11/2009 10:14

I disagree with you that this is an issue about women though OP - many more men neglect their small children in favour of demanding jobs and golf at the weekends than women do.

babiesblue · 28/11/2009 10:14

Yer, of course. Others people lives are fascinating...

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 28/11/2009 10:15

Well, she'll be one less helicopter parent for me to be civil to. Those that have no life, conversation or sense of community other than how it impacts upon their children.
My school has a lot of parents from minority groups, they pick up, feed and care for each others' children according to which shifts are being worked. The security felt by the children in knowing that they are cared for by many is reflected in their attitude to others and their confidence.

Lulumama · 28/11/2009 10:16

oh my god, hold the phone ! a woman who works just because she loves her job! have her burnt as a witch

this is a joke, right??

scottishmummy · 28/11/2009 10:16

your wee mammy would die of shame you being a gossip and a clipe

hocuspontas · 28/11/2009 10:18

lol! I hope she's okayed it with the GPs first.

Goblinchild · 28/11/2009 10:18

No, this is a mother with two small children convinced that her way is the best way, and being evangelical and judgy about it.
Not a joke, there are too many of them around to be funny for the rest of us who juggle whilst walking the tightrope.