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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

239 replies

annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 22:37

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

OP posts:
jasper · 23/11/2009 13:15

I would love to go away for the weekend as a bridesmaid without dh and the kids!

Go graciously. You will be the second most looked at woman there and will have no mummy responsibilities

chickbean · 23/11/2009 13:46

Am feeling really guilty now. DP and I went to a child-free wedding this year, but ended up taking DS2. We had tried and tried to get him to take a bottle in time for the wedding, so that we could leave him behind but, a couple of weeks before, we had to ask if we could bring him because he just wouldn't - they didn't really have a lot of choice, other than saying we couldn't come at all. To be fair, they originally said they had only excluded children because there would be so many of them and they had decided that they didn't want to hire a childminder/children's entertainer for the reception (so I hope that meant they were not anti-children per se). Luckily DS2 behaved beautifully for the whole reception (in fact the venue's doorman offered to keep an eye on him while he slept in his pushchair). But I'm still a bit

busybutterfly · 23/11/2009 13:50

YABU. Their wedding, their rules on inviting who they like.

Agree with jasper totally

CarGirl · 23/11/2009 14:02

Is your dh making you choose simply because he doesn't want to look after the dc on his own for 30 hours rather than it being about not being able to go????

Would he be happy to look after them for a weekend so you could away?

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2009 14:24

YABU, sorry.

And call me cynical but if your DP is being genuine in his distress about not getting to go to a wedding then he's the first man I've heard of in my life who actually wants to attend his DP's friend's weddings.

My best friend got married recently and if I'd told my DP at the last minute that in fact he wasn't invited he'd have leapt up off the sofa and performed three rounds of the hand jive.

He likes his own mate's weddings but even those he could happily dispense with the ceremony and the speeches and just cut to the boozy bit.

You've had ages to sort this out. It's a shame that you've got problems with redundancy etc but that isn't the bride's problem really - if you weren't able to get a babysitter you should have told her earlier.

fifitot · 23/11/2009 15:46

YANBU.

I hate all this not inviting kids stuff. Along with the focus on the 'perfect day'. I thought weddings were about celebration and having a good time but increasingly they are a stage managed production of bridezilla's perfect day where the colour of the flowers takes more importance over the friends and relatives enjoying themselves.

I love weddings and some of the best I have been to have been casual, inclusive fun events. The worst have been the kind of expensive production with 'rules' about who can wear what, no kids blah blah blah.

I would be annoyed if my kids were not allowed to go to a best mate's wedding. They are part of my life and not to even acknowledge you have problems with childcare is not the behaviour of a good friend.

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 16:09

It is really Bridezilla vs Mumzilla then.

Loujalou · 23/11/2009 16:27

I come from a Greek background and there never really are weddings that exclude children. We invited kids and let the parents decide if they wanted to bring them or not. A few didn't - their choice. YANBU - especially if you are supposed to be bridesmaid and one of her best friends.

loobylu3 · 23/11/2009 16:28

I'm with fifitot here. I can't understand these stage managed weddings and all this 'perfect day' thing either. I don't think your friend is behaving like an 'oldest, dearest friend' in not trying to understand your childcare problems. Several of my close friends were really lovely and actually provided baby sitters during the meal, mainly so that the parents could have a good time!
However, I do think the OP was unreasonable in not telling her friend about the childcare issues earlier and her DP is being v unreasonable as he is making the whole situation worse!

Heathcliffscathy · 23/11/2009 16:36

we need some facts here. the ones i think are most relevant are primarily how long ago she told you that there were to be no children (any longer than a month and you are being outrageously unreasonable as i've outlined below).

second and relevant i think is how long you've been with your dp, or rather how long and how well she knows him.

EvilTwins · 23/11/2009 17:29

People are getting very hung up on the suggestion that the OP's DP has been "uninvited". He hasn't. It is the OP's decision not to take him as he seems the only childcare option at the moment. The bride has not uninvited the OP's DP, but the invitation (written) did not include the OP's children, despite the fact that the bride had originally said (verbally) that they would all be invited.

Think the OP has skulked off because she's known the facts for a good while now, and is pissed off that she can't find a babysitter.

lovechoc · 23/11/2009 17:43

make life easier and cheaper - just don't go. Everyone's a winner then

bigchris · 23/11/2009 18:11

op - why on earth do you need to hire a cottage? cant you drive on your own there?
as bridesmaid they might invite you to stay over the night before, is your dp reluctant to look after the kids?

mistletoekisses · 23/11/2009 18:25

YABU.

You have had heaps of time to sort this and figure out logistics.
There was a recent wedding that DH attended on his own (a 3 day affair in Tuscany) because the logistics involved in going with an 18 month old made my head spin.
The person getting married had been our best man, so it was not an option for us all to decline. DH had a whale of a time and I chilled at home with DS (far more preferable

Go for the 2 days. Get your DP to spend 2 days with your DC's. And enjoy yourself!

DandyLioness · 23/11/2009 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PlumBumMum · 23/11/2009 19:12

Agree with Morriszapp when I was a bridesmaid at my bfs wedding my dh could have happily stayed at home, as we barely saw each other all day
and he didn't really know any one else, as our other friend was also a bridesmaid and she had a new partner so they were landed together
My dcs were invited to that wedding and I asked my bf if she would mind if they didn't go I was there to look after the bride and enjoy myself

lovechoc · 23/11/2009 19:15

I'd say yes it is alright. seems like a lot of hassle. cheaper to just not go and if both are FB addicts the photos will be up in no time, to view at her leisure.

I'd say stuff it personally. Why bother getting stressed out. Leave that to the bride.

edd021208 · 23/11/2009 19:20

agree with dandelioness - the op had said they were going to make a weekend of it when they thought the whole family were invited so why the big deal with hiring a cottage?
re the bride bashing - it is amazing that the judgezillas on this thread are so definite about what a wedding 'is' when what they mean is 'this is how I would define a wedding' or 'this is how I would like my wedding to be'. If you want to be a good friend/bridesmaid then you should tell your dh not to make such a big deal of thing, and go along and support your friend on what is clearly a really important day for her and if you're focussed on that whether or not your dcs are there shouldn't be an issue

crokky · 23/11/2009 19:22

annoyingdevil - I can see you are pissed about people being invited, then uninvited and your DP's job loss makes things all the more frustrating. YANBU about that.

However, I would say the most sensible thing to do is for you to drive to the wedding early on the day, leaving your DP with your DCs. I am astonished that your DP thinks that staying home with his kids for the day whilst you go to your dear friend's wedding is too much to ask. Why would he be "hurt" if you went? - the bride has created this situation, you and your DP should just find the easiest way of getting through this occasion. IMO that is for him to stay home and you to drive to the venue. Can you not return the same evening? Your DP needs to grow up and just enjoy the day with his kids. I don't understand him saying that he would be hurt - it is just weird - can he not spend a day without you? Your only costs in this case would be petrol and present.

FleetMummy · 23/11/2009 19:39

I got married last year and we made it select invited group of children.

Our venue could only hold 100 people and if we invited every child of all our friends we got to 42.

So which of our single/no offspring friends do we un-invite to allow children to come?

And I say this as a parent of three children.

We did, however, allow the two children of my matron of honour to attend, and hubby's god children, plus my three. Making 12 in total..

I think your friend is being unreasonable in not allowing your children to be there at least since you are commiting so much time to the event.

Could she not reach a compromise such as ours?

WhiteRoses · 23/11/2009 19:40

I wish someone would/could explain to me what I'm missing here... Why is a bride in the wrong for inviting who she wants to her wedding?! Why should she be forced to invite two extra guests that she doesn't want?! To keep her bridesmaid and so-called friend from throwing a strop? I hardly think that's on!

WhiteRoses · 23/11/2009 19:45

FleetMummy - it sounds like the twelve children at your wedding were close to you anyway? The OP has said nothing to suggest that her friend has even met her children on more than a handful of occasions, if that! Therefore, I don't think she should be punished for choosing not to invite them.

Lotster · 23/11/2009 20:03

WhiteRoses - it's really not so hard. As the OP has said in her opening post, the bride is her "oldest, dearest friend". Would you let your oldest, dearest friend have to fly solo at your wedding while you swan around greeting everyone??

She is upset that her who is supposed to love her, would actually want her to be a happy bridesmaid on the day, would want to see her best friend's partner, and perhaps even her children that she did say at the start, were invited.

If my best friend ahd so little support that she couldn't get her kids looked after, I would bend the "rules" for her, because friends do that kind of thing for each other... She could make OP's daughter a flower girl or something, to give the kids a valid reason to be there where others guests' aren't. Maybe you think this is ridiculous... but best friends to me, are not "accessories" on your wedding day, they are people whom I personally would not treat this way.

Yes, OP could have told bride her feelings a bit sooner, however, perhaps she was really hoping the bride would realise what a twat she was being, and now that she hasn't has had to say something?

Sadly the bride might not be as good a friend as OP thinks. Surely such close friends should know how the other's mind works..

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 20:19

Fly solo???? Just how insecure does the OP have to be for that to be a probably. Presumably if this is her oldest dearest friend she has friends in common as well as the family.

And if she bends the rules for 2 DCs that opens a whole can of worms.

I say, go, get roaringly merry and enjoy your best friends day. You are not spot-welded to your family and they might just survive without you for the day.

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 20:20

That sentance at the beginning didn't made sense. Bloody pasta boiling over...

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