to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

[annoyingdevil]

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

Now have read more of the posts.... I am really astonished that so many people are disgusted at child-free weddings tbh. DH and I went to a wedding recently with another couple and their DS (nearly 2) who is also our godson. Godson's mother (my friend) was a bridesmaid and it was immensely hard work for her to have DS following her round, calling out to her in church and then needing to be entertained during the wedding breakfast. I actually spent the majority of the wedding breakfast playing in the corner with godson so that she could eat her meal and be in the photographs. By 6pm she'd really had enough and called her parents to come and collect him. On our wedding day (a couple of months earlier) she left DS with her parents for the whole day. I said, 'did you not want to bring him?' (children were invited) and she just laughed. After experiencing what it is like to take a 2 year old to a wedding I can honestly say I wouldn't choose to do it EVER!

YANBU.

I think it is so sad that so many brides totally loose their grip on reality when it comes to their weddings.

You have important things going on in your life too, and they are not trumped by a wedding.

I would explain your situation to your friend, and see how she reacts, maybe she is so caught up in her own importance that she hasn't thought of the practical impact of her decisions. If she refuses to be flexible, then calmy tell her you're sorry, but you are just not going to be able to be her bridesmaid for practical reasons.

We had an awful siuation this summer when my SIL invited my 2 ds to her wedding, but not my dd, who is 5 (they didn't want young children at the wedding). When I explained that we couldn't all go and leave dd at home as she would be so hurt, SIL said well don't bring any of your dc then. It was a real kick in the teeth for me, when dh and I arrived at the wedding only to find the grooms neices and nephews who were younger than my dd.

I have absolute contempt for my SIL, it has destroyed our relationship, affected the relationship between our children, and soured all family gatherings. All because she didn' want one little (prefectly well behaved)child present on her big day.

Good luck, it is a horrible situation for you to be in.

Actually, I have had that.
My DH, before we were married, had 2 wedding invites where, due to numbers and as I hadn't yet met the bride and groom, I wasn't invited.

All I thought was...meh, off you go then.

Perhaps I just think of my family as being flexible units. Some things DH and I just go to, sometimes me and dd, others me and Ds etc. Maybe others see themselves as a whole unit so this idea of doing things apart is an anathema and this is why these kind of dilemmas will never resolve.

Its not right or wrong on either way.

I didn't invite DH's cousin's new boyfriend as they had literally only been together weeks when I sent the invitations, so I didn't want to make assumptions iyswim. She called and asked if he could come, and I said yes, and was a bit she'd had to ask. Wouldn't deliberately exclude someone's OH, both or neither!

No, but aren't most invitations "plus one"? In that case, whether the "plus one" happens to be a DP or a DC, it shouldn't really matter? Unless the DC will really impact on the day, like the OP's DC would, in that they'd be a big ditraction for the bridesmaid. I just don't see why the OP's invition should be "plus three"? Surely it's very unreasonable to expect that of someone who's trying to stay on budget?

Roffling at the idea that brides, how very dare they, might possibly want their wedding day to be how they want it.

smug unmarried

Apologies for not reading the whole thread but yes it is her wedding and she can say what goes. HOWEVER she has changed her mind from the beginning when she said kids were welcome and you maybe made the decision based on a number of factors including the fact that your kids were welcome?

It's a tough one because you are and you are not being unreasonable! If it had been no kids from the start then you may have said no to the bridesmaid thing or you could at least have had a chance to discuss it with your DH.

Is there a relative that could come and stay with the kids so hat you are both able to go or could you leave them with a friend / friends for the night. Alternatively you could go for the day and leave after the meal making babysitting not so prolonged?

It will depend on your friendship with her but otherwise it sounds like DH will need to babysit so you can be there for her.

Either way not really a good idea to argue with the bride - it's very stressful organising a wedding and you may end up losing her as a driend. sorry I can't be more helpful

I'm just thrilled I got married relatively young. There were about 15-20 kids at our wedding. By now, I would have to hire the O2 arena to accomodate all the friends and relatives DCs.

Wow, have just read all this. I would LOVE the chance to drive off early and enjoy a child-free function in a posh frock while DH looks after the kids.

But the way you're handling this you're going to be more broke, more stressed, lose a friendship and upset your partner.

On handling, I'd suggest you mention to your friend that your partner is feeling a little left out and can't afford babysitting since the redundancy. It would be nice if she gave him a call and the 4 of you arranged a special time together in the next couple of months where you could get to know each other far better than at a manic over-hyped wedding event.

Have fun!

Heather

how long ago was the withdrawral of the invite for the children?

YANBU at all. I don't understand at all the argument that "it is the bride's day and she does what she wants". So really she is allowed to be horrible, a crap friend and put you in an impossible situation.

She is certainly being very selfish and not thinking of the hardship and expense she might be putting you and your husband in especially since your husband has been made redudant.

Friends who do not accept you as you are
(i.e with husband and children) are not real friends in my books. It is selfish to expect your friend to come on their own when they have a family especially when first the whole family is invited, then the children are uninvited and finally your DH is being uninvited. And I don't think you DH is BU by being upset at all at being un-invited. It is very rude. I wonder how your friend would react if the situation was inverted.

I had the same issue over the summer and decided not to go to my friend's wedding.

Good luck with you decision, it is a tough one but YANBU because you are now the one with the dilema and who ends up feeling upset

forgot to say that we had no kids at our wedding - very expensive to feed them all and we felt that most of the parents if given the chance very long time in advance would relish a w/e away - which they all did.

I think if someone had been really stuck we would have accommodated them but we did not give an open house. As it happened the only people that did bring their children was my cousin who was still BF her baby and the brother of the flowergirl also came. but after the meal the flowergirl's grandparents came and took her and her brother back to their hotel for bed so parents could enjoy the rest of the evening child free.

I think each case has to be assessed individually IYSWIM by the bride and groom. if your friend wants you there she may have to compromise but falling out is not good!!

I think what would get my goat about this is that she expects or pretty much told you you to leave your kids and dh at home.

If I was invited to a wedding and couldn't have my children there and had no babysitters, then I would have gone for the ceremony then proberbly come home. I would be then be doing it because I wanted to and not because I was told to.

However, if a bride had the this is what you will do attitude then I would be less inclined to put myself out for her.

Hmmm, so now you can't find a babysitter and consequently your friend is being unfair? I supported you earlier on, as I have had my fair share of bridezilla friends, but actually, now I think YAB a bit U as this could, and should, have been sorted out ages ago.

I do think the best way (too late for this obviously) is for couples to invite children and leave it up to the parents whether they bring them.

OP, you sound unreasonable in your last post - now you are cross because your friend isn't getting married near a convenient train station??? Sounds like you'd better just pull out and accept the consequences.

I think pagwatch and sophable have summed it all up nicely

another thing , all these people saying 'bridezilla..how dare she do this' 'don't go to the wedding unless....'

so you are allowed to throw a tantrum and make demands or you won't go and be a bridesmaid, but the bride herself can't make demands on how she wants the day to be???

you clearly did not understand the role of bridesmaid if you did not think you had to be there early in the day

it\s a bit late now to start getting the hump with the bride. you've still got weeks to sort out childcare, or your DH can stay with them and stop being such a baby

god, weddings do bring out the worst in people!

my brother got married recently, my sister had a babysitter who came to the hotel and the younger DCs went off to bed and we managed to have a good time without our children ! shock !

Again, why should the bride have to pay for four guests when she only really wants one (the OP)?

I had children at my wedding - the venue charged about £15/head for them.

Often it's not the expense which is difficult, but the room capacity - you have one dear friend using up 4 places - as she comes with husband and children. And the knock-on effects of that are that another dear friend cannot come - because the room only seats 100 - or whatever. I can see the temptation under those circs to go child-free and have both couples.

My view is it is acceptable (though not my choice) to say no to children - but that if you do, you are completely un-entitled to make any fuss at all if anyone says they then cannot come

I was fortunate enough to have a lavish wedding, i considered having no children present to cut down the cost , but couldn't bear to think of the ramifications of doing such a thing. My BIL and SIL had 6 children between them and i didn't want any tension in the family because of ONE day. I do however think that your dh is BU, because he has voiced his upset about you going without him. Don't make a big deal of it , put on your gladrags, do your bridesmaid duties and remember that it is only ONE day and not worth risking the wrath of your friend.

Exactly what I think, Josie!

rockbird - the obvious anwswer to your question is that many people don;t actually know their friends' children very well. so yes you could apply your method - and rank your friends and relatives(including children) - and invite the top 100 but then a lot of people would find that a lot of children simply wouldn't make the top 100 - not because they're children per se or because they're not people, but simply because the bride and groom aren't as close to them as to lots of other people.

But the(rather obvious) flaw in such a methodology is that children aren't independent and can't come alone - so, artificially, they have to come next to their parents on your top 100 guest list - (whereas applying a closeness criteria to them independently they might actually be about no. 150) so yes, someone else gets bumped off it.

it's not great - but it's a perfectly legitimate argument. (and children do take up space).

I agree with longtalljosie and whiteroses. it is not about 'children not being people' etc etc, it is about the fact that where you could just invite a couple you end up inviting 3, 4 or even 5 people instead and they take up a space that other friends could take. I like my friends children, but ultimately i am friends with the adult, not the child. When I was a kid, my parents went off to weddings and parties without my brother and i and we weren't scarred for life!! and i think that if you don't like weddings then don't bloody go! My DH and I spent about 4 years of having loads of weddings every summer and despite the expense each was brilliant and i wouldn't have missed any of them. You get chance to meet up with friends, get dressed up, eat, drink and dance and see two people you care about make a commitment to each other...what's not to like?!

I think that Pagwatch put it very well.

and I think the same as Josie too. following on from my response to rockbird - I can fully understand that my university friend would rather invite other friends of his than my daughters. the best adult-only invite I ever had said upfront that his friends just had too many children so, other than babes-in-arms and 2 god children could we the rest of us find baby-sitters and enjoy a responsibility-free day. perfect imo (excluding babies is different imo and does make me a bit cross)