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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you take cocaine socially without it becoming a problem?

174 replies

whattodonow1 · 09/11/2009 10:15

Father of my 3 children has admitted to me that he has been taking cocaine approximately once a month when on nights out with friends pretty much ever since we got together. Says he spends about £30 a month on it. I trust what he has told me as he is basically decided to put his cards on the table as he doesn't want to lie to me anymore. He knows I'm not into this type of scene and have never been involved in anything like this.

Basically he says he is not ready to give his habit up but hope one day to be in position to do so. I am pleased that he is finally be honest with me with a view that if he told me that he would never touch it again, he'd be lying as he knows that one day he will take it again. He doesn't see it as a big issue as he has been doing it for years and can on some occassions go for a few months without taking anything.

Basically want to know has anyone been in the situation where they or a partner has taken this drug and then grown out of it (partners 29 and most his friends are young with no responsibilities) In a dilema whether to run and struggle with 3 kids on my own or try to ignore this and hope evntually it goes away

OP posts:
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 09/11/2009 10:21

I would tell him to decide whether to be a father (and DP) or whether to be a druggy.

Make it his choice.

He's being irresponsible and spending 30 quid he could spend on his DCs. If it's not a 'habit' he can stop it. If it is, he needs help.

minnietheminx007 · 09/11/2009 10:21

dp used to be into that scene but as soon as we got together he pretty much cuz it out but had one "mishap" about 2 months into pregnancy, i told him straight that if we were going to bringing a life into the world then we need to make sure that we are around to look after it and if thats the sort of life he wanted to lead then he would have to choose between starting a family with me or carrying on with that on his own. To be honest though he wanted to stop doing it anyway which i think is half the battle.
its a tricky one really, id just be worried about his safety personally, they put all sorts of things in coke to eek it out.

minnietheminx007 · 09/11/2009 10:22

that should have been cut it out!

theyoungvisiter · 09/11/2009 10:22

Well I think the answer to the question in your thread title is yes some people can. Some people can't.

But what you really want to know is does your partner have a problem - and that's something no-one on the internet can tell you.

In your position I would be worried about the fact that he has deliberately concealed it from you for so long. That says something worrying about his habit and attitude towards it, IMO.

ShinyAndNew · 09/11/2009 10:22

I used to use it socially. I noticed it was getting to the point where I was arranging nights out/to meet friends just so I could take coke. I was spending more nights out than in. I moved back home for a bit away from the 'scene' and everything was fine.

I used again when I went back, but it stayed as social use this time. I don't use now, simply because none of my friends do in the area I live in now. If they did I probably would as a one off on nights out.

You can use it socially, ime, but it would depend upon your personality. If he is only spending £30 pm he cannot be doing much. We would get two £60 bags between 4/5 of us about once a week.

mayorquimby · 09/11/2009 10:41

yes you can take it without it being a problem. all depends on the individual. 30 pounds worth a month doesn't sound like a lot to me.

Original poster
whattodonow1 · 09/11/2009 11:13

Thanks for feedback so far any honest opinions much better than looking on drugs website which is automatically going to say bad, bad ,bad!

OP posts:
Disenchanted3 · 09/11/2009 11:17

Daddys on coke??

Id kick him out right now.

MrsZuko · 09/11/2009 11:19

£30 once a month doesn't sound like he's indulging very heavily. If his mates are all still single perhaps it's a peer pressure thing? IME people do grow out of it as they grow older, a bit like binge drinking - it's simply not worth how it makes you feel the next day.

bethoo · 09/11/2009 11:22

my ex dp was a coke head and it made me realse that after our first child he said he would give it all up including the dope and on the arrival of our second he would not i realised where his priorities were! he was not ready to become a responsible adult and be a proper role model for our children.

rasputin · 09/11/2009 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

verytellytubby · 09/11/2009 11:23

30 quid a month is not a problem. I would question why he's only telling you now and I would wonder if he's being entirely honest with how much he's doing/spending. Friends of mine do it socially, every couple of months and they definitely don't have an addiction.

Friend's DH has a big problem with it. She found out he was lying, keeping money seperate to spend on it. He even had a seperate credit card going to his work address which she had no knowledge about. Rehab and therapy has helped and they are very strong now.

CitizenPrecious · 09/11/2009 11:23

at Disenchanted

If he's been doing it for this long without it being a problem, then I would say it isn't a problem.

...but if he ever starts pawning the furniture, then run like the wind

Arsed · 09/11/2009 11:23

Yes you can

Disenchanted3 · 09/11/2009 11:24

As far as she KNOWS it not a problem.

People can lie you know, he might do it once a week, he might have a credit card run up she doesn't know about!

CitizenPrecious · 09/11/2009 11:25

...sorry, thought you were joking

as you were!

posieparker · 09/11/2009 11:26

It doesn't sound as if he has much of a drug problem, but cocaine doesn't grow in the back garden with no cost to human life to produce. The people involved at the root of producing it are exploited and under constant threat. People carry in the drug and are in danger of death. Everything about Coke is pretty vile.

fernie3 · 09/11/2009 11:28

It doesnt sound like a problem at the moment but personally I wouldnt like it. You need to look at the whole picture to decided how it affects him and your family.

whooshspicemonster · 09/11/2009 11:32

Pretty much everyone I know's partner has. But some of them didn't grow out of it.

£30 a month isn't much

yojojo · 09/11/2009 11:33

£30 a month doesn't = cokehead. Someone can take coke once a month and that doesn't make them a bad parent at all and if he's been doing it for so long now its very very unlikely to lead to them getting a worse habit. No worse than getting drunk every now and again

purpleduck · 09/11/2009 11:37

HMMMMMM
He may not have an addiction - fine. He doesn't spend much on it - good. He's being honest with you - how commendable.

BUT
He is indulging in a very dangerous activity. He could get caught and god knows what would happen. How happy would he be for his children- when they are older to find out their dad has a record for possession of drugs? I'm sure they will listen intently when HE is telling your teenage children to stay away from drugs.
He could get a dodgy batch and, well, DIE

He could end up addicted.

Honestly the risks just seem too much for a person with kids.

And (I may be wrong here) but it seems a bit manipilative ...the whole "I was honest about it, I'm not saying I will quit because THAT would be a lie" - That puts you in a position where you feel you CAN'T ask him to stop.

To me the addiction aspect is only part of the risk.

jalopy · 09/11/2009 11:38

'He's not ready to give up his habit'

I'd be worried.

duke748 · 09/11/2009 11:41

As he has taken so long to tell you about it I almost guarantee that he takes more of than he has let on, takes it more regularly than he lets on and spends more on it than he lets on.

I think he is testing the waters a bit and if you seem OK with it, he will gradually reveal more and more of a habit.

I could be totally off the mark, as obviously I don't know him. However the secrecy leads me to believe this is only the start of finding out the whole truth.

wannaBe · 09/11/2009 11:48

have to say I am quite at the blasay attitudes by some on this thread.

Not a problem? ok to use socially?

It's an illegal substance - doesn't matter whether he has a problem or not - it's illegal!

For me personally any drugs would be a deal-breaker and the relationship would be over.

CitizenPrecious · 09/11/2009 11:49

as posie says, coke is nasty, and there's no getting away from that aspect of it. I used to dabble a bit- like your dp - as did most of my friends. I stopped because it wasn't much fun (and enabled me to stay up later and so drink more booze- which was not an advantage!) and I was very concerned about the trade in coke. A murky business.

however the op's not asking about the ethics of coke- rather she's asking whether it's possible to take it but not get addicted and grow out of it. I'd say definitely yes and yes. As I said, most of my friends used to do it, most at the same sort of levels as your dp, some a lot more. No-one of my acquaintance has developed a habit, no-one's been in rehab, and hardly any of us do it any more.

I really really wouldn't worry about it. Also if it's any consolation coke is (apparently) so rubbish these days that he'd probably get more of a buzz out of a double espresso