Can you take cocaine socially without it becoming a problem?

[whattodonow1]

Father of my 3 children has admitted to me that he has been taking cocaine approximately once a month when on nights out with friends pretty much ever since we got together. Says he spends about £30 a month on it. I trust what he has told me as he is basically decided to put his cards on the table as he doesn't want to lie to me anymore. He knows I'm not into this type of scene and have never been involved in anything like this.

Basically he says he is not ready to give his habit up but hope one day to be in position to do so. I am pleased that he is finally be honest with me with a view that if he told me that he would never touch it again, he'd be lying as he knows that one day he will take it again. He doesn't see it as a big issue as he has been doing it for years and can on some occassions go for a few months without taking anything.

Basically want to know has anyone been in the situation where they or a partner has taken this drug and then grown out of it (partners 29 and most his friends are young with no responsibilities) In a dilema whether to run and struggle with 3 kids on my own or try to ignore this and hope evntually it goes away

[posie looks for colditz see if she's impressed???]

sorry, posie. I did think of that other thread when I posted something particularly infantile on this one

I din't mean you CP, but now you mention it I think you should hang your head in shame....

but then who am I to talk I'm listening to Taylor Swift and I'm 35!!!

How often does he actually go out? If he only goes out once a month then you can be pretty sure he's only doing it once a month, then probably only does spend £30.
However if he's out every weekend (in which case I'd be wondering why he wants to go out every weekend), then can you be sure he doen't do it at any other time?

But even if he only goes out and takes it once a month he is still taking it every time he goes out.

How long have you been together? Quite a while I should think if you have 3 dc's together, that's quite a while to not have told you the truth. Though if he thought you would disapprove and be upset he maybe didn't want to worry you and it's good that he's being honest with you now.

My dh took some drugs in his youth but was never addicted and definitely does not do it now, (I would not tolerate it anyway), so yes I suppose he can grow out of it but if having 3 dc's isn't enough to make him grow up then what is?

At the sam etime I (and dh) like to go out once in a while and have a few drinks (more than a few sometimes) and go dancing etc like we are young things again (I'm only 34) and I don't see anything wrong with that in everyday life I'm very responsible and look after my 3 dc's as does dh, so I don't know if it's so different except that we don't do drugs on our nights out and we don't keep secret what we've been doing (as far as I know anyway!!).

Don't ignore it and hope it'll go away because it may not go away, if you feel strongly about it then talk to him about how you both feel.

Yes you can use it socially without it becoming a problem and once a month is hardly a habit.

But - it's a class A illegal drug. If he gets caught he'll get a criminal record and will probably lose his job. I'd be more worried about that aspect.

not "ready" to stop ??

"hopes" to be able to stop in the future ??

hangs around with young, single crowd ??

admits to 30 quid a month ?? Pull the other one. Everybody knows users will lie about their consumption, you can at least double that amount.

Quite a lot of red flags here.

This would piss me off, tbh. He is a grown man with 3 dc. This is not something you do together, that enhances your family/couple-dom life, is it ?

Not good.

I am not anti-drugs btw. DH and I, every few months, have a little dabble with illegal substances...but we have fun together.

Drugs are illegal, they can lead to more, you don't know if he is telling you the whole truth (i remember saying 'but he REALLY ISN'T like that! ), totally innapropriate for a father, nice that he has told you now but has lied to you for YEARS and felt able to do so! He sounds like he CANT stop now - that tells you something straight away! Do not be niave. He stops or he leaves. I wish i had made the decision sooner - you have that chance.

Think STRAIGHT - what would you tell someone else if you read this post - ignore that you love him and he is great with kids etc etc - think straight!

DRUGS!!! DRUGS!!! What else isn't he telling you?

jesus christ-CALL THE POLICE.
I am fully aware of the links to organised crime and last time i checked i wasn't mad on shoving something up my nose that had been fished out of someones arsehole-but the op didn't ask for advice on that,or the legality,As far as i know she wanted anecdotal evidence from people who had used/do use recreational drugs.
not mass hysteria
not a divorce

Get a piece of meat, a bit of steak will do. Put a dab of cocaine on it and see what the meat looks like the next day.

If the fact that the drug has eaten it's way right through the meat overnight doesn't put anyone off that stuff, nothing will.

Tell him to grow up and be a proper man and a decent father.

I've not had time to read most of the other posts (but this is MN so I can hazard a damn good guess at some of the content )...at the risk of probably bucking the trend I would say:

1. You've been together long enough to have 3 kids and are (presumably) fairly happy in the relationship. So it obviously hasn't been affected by his drug use until now. In fact it sounds as though he has 'come clean' (if you'll pardon the expression) entirely of his own volition and not due to an 'ishoo' such as you finding drugs in his sock drawer....

1. He's been (again, I am assuming this because you are still together, 3 kids in) a fairly good father to his kids

1. He has successfully hidden this from you for all the time you have been together, so it clearly can't be impacting him that much.

So for all those reasons, probably not a big deal, and (IMO) not something worth breaking a relationship over.

However (and here, I apologise for becoming a bit suspicious and simplistic) the fact that he has now told you causes me some concern.

For example, now that he is 'out' is he planning on opting out of Sunday morning childcare due to a come-down where previously he would have made an effort (or taken less drugs the night before and therefore be feeling less rough?)?

By telling you, is he going to treat your knowledge as carte-blanche/approval? In which case you can certainly make it clear that you don't approve/like what he is doing but don't regard it as your job to tell him what he can/can't do (there's obviously a difference)

Is he going to use your knowledge as an excuse to bring drugs into the house? Clearly an sbsolute no-no.

TBH, its down to you to figure out how you feel and set the ground rules (e.g. no driving the kids anywhere for 12 hours after drug taking, or whatever else you feel is appropriate) and also to make sure you don't end up feeling 'used'. If your dp ends up getting a 24 hour exemption from childcare on a monthly basis as a result of his binge with the boys, perhaps you should be entitled to a similar 'break' on a different weekend? Or somesuch. IMO, you don't want to end up being the only adult in the relationship, or you will start feeling very frustrated, so make sure he is taking responsibility for the outcomes of his choices and his behaviour.

Having said all of that, back to where I started: you've been together this long and had 3 children and it hasn't been an issue, so its entirely down to you whether you want to make it one now.

Good luck

I agree with fillybuster - it's not the biggest deal in the world but the reasons why he's telling you now, and what (if anything) he expects to change now you know, are worth attention. He's a grown-up so he's responsible for his own actions. I would set some ground rules though.

Anyone who thinks just a bit of cocaine is ok, it doesn't matter as long as it isn't impacting on others etc should see what I have seen living in Jamaica. It's not just Colombia (as mentioned below) that is affected by this vile trade but much of the Caribbean as well. And I know all the arguments about legalising it, but at the moment it is illegal and therefore all the nastiness that goes with it will continue while there is a demand.

Now I live in St Lucia and this place is going the same way. And I can tell you that when you speak to locals about the problems, who do they blame for the killings and the arrests and the mules who end up in prison because if they didn't agree to swallow their children will be shot, they blame the people at the other end who need their fix for a Saturday night out.

I think coke has come down in price now - it did use to be about £60/gram, but now I think it is far less than that - according to Frank, it's between £30-£50/gram.

I hate cocaine with a passion - think it is a horrible drug, but it does have a very middle-class user group which seems to make it feel a little less grubby than some other drugs. It isn't. The social, moral and economic impact is the same with cocaine as it is with any other illegal drug. And yes, I have used it in the past. I have also seen friends be destroyed by using it.

I would be concerned that you have had 3 children with this man but it is only now that he felt it necessary to tell you of his monthly habit. That really doesn't sound great to me.

Do I think he has a problem? Yes, because he has made the choice to carry on using it regardless. I would wager that he does use more - £30 is probably the least amount he spends.

As my old dad would say of course you can.

Yup he said that right before the debt collectors repossessed our house, dealers were hunting him for a rather sustantial amount and he fled the country and our lives for almost 6 years.

Oh yes not to mention the fact that when he reappeared in 2007 his nose was plugged with toilet roll as it bled constantly and that was after being clean for 3 years.

All because of a monthly buzz with his mates or so he said.

I understand that thesecond but the OP clearly ins't aware of all these things.

If for no other reason OP think of the chidren being abandoned/ neglected because daddy has a job to do to get people like your husband (and other people wanting a laugh on a night out) some little innocent white stuff The drugs world is a nasty place, a lot of violence, murder and broken children. It isn't there just for junkies - a lot of business in people wanting a fun night out on the odd occassion. I know that is really harsh but it is total reality.

I dont think you should leave him. Occassional drug taking on a night out is barely whinced at now so why would he think anything of it, if what he is saying is the truth - but i think you should tell him to stop.

I hope everything goes well for you and he stops.

Kind of X posted with Rindercella about reality of drugs world.

yes you can. But socially is a very variable concept. How often is he sociable with the people he would take coke with? If he's mixing with those people a lot then he could be using coke a lot.

he may of course only be usuing it every few weeks, in which case I wouldn't think he's any kind of addict.

what i think is if she goes in with all guns blazing some of the hysteria on this thread might make him think she's a bonko with no concept and therefore hide stuff.
I would much rather have a conversation with someone who wasn't hysterical about ILLEGAL/GANGSTERS/HOUSE REPOSESSIONS ETC ETC. It's all a bit amdram and 16.
an adult conversation where she lays down adult rules (whatever they may be) would probably do the trick better imho.

"It's an illegal substance - doesn't matter whether he has a problem or not - it's illegal! "

wannabe. If it were legal would you find it less of an issue?

great post fillybuster

Cracking article here.