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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you take cocaine socially without it becoming a problem?

174 replies

whattodonow1 · 09/11/2009 10:15

Father of my 3 children has admitted to me that he has been taking cocaine approximately once a month when on nights out with friends pretty much ever since we got together. Says he spends about £30 a month on it. I trust what he has told me as he is basically decided to put his cards on the table as he doesn't want to lie to me anymore. He knows I'm not into this type of scene and have never been involved in anything like this.

Basically he says he is not ready to give his habit up but hope one day to be in position to do so. I am pleased that he is finally be honest with me with a view that if he told me that he would never touch it again, he'd be lying as he knows that one day he will take it again. He doesn't see it as a big issue as he has been doing it for years and can on some occassions go for a few months without taking anything.

Basically want to know has anyone been in the situation where they or a partner has taken this drug and then grown out of it (partners 29 and most his friends are young with no responsibilities) In a dilema whether to run and struggle with 3 kids on my own or try to ignore this and hope evntually it goes away

OP posts:
ooojimaflip · 09/11/2009 15:39

Is it possible? Yes.

mamadiva · 09/11/2009 15:43

Again be careful how you go with this, as far as we were aware my mum and dad were perfectly happily married and they had spoke about moving away for a fresh start etc, next thing we knew he had vanished like I said it was so bad that even the police assumed he had been murdered by one of the many dealers he owed.

Then again 6 years later turns out he married a woman and was living with her in Portugal because he feared for his life in this country.

Out of interest how old are your children?

Litchick · 09/11/2009 15:44

It is perfectly possible to take drugs and not be addicted or have it negatively impact upon your life.
I have done it.
Many of my friends have done it.
A number still do and have functioning marriages/families/careers.

However, that doesn't mean your partner can do it.
Lots of people drink without it ever being a problem - but there are some whose life is ruinewd by drink no?

I'd want to know exactly how much he was taking/ when and where so I could assess properly.

meltedchocolate · 09/11/2009 15:48

'Cocaine as such no more evil than alcohol imo' Apart from one is illegal and causes huge devesation in so many lives all over the world and alcohol only causes devestation in the acholics family.

Agree if it was legal it would perhaps be on the same level but it will never be legal and therefore will still cause the same devestation.

thesecond I dont think she should go in with this hysteria either. It wouldn't work. I am simply trying to get across to her why she shouldn't allow it to continue.

Earlybird · 09/11/2009 15:52

In the news today:

"Cocaine users who also drink alcohol for a more intense high are risking major health problems, according to the treatment charity Addaction. The combination of alcolol and cocaine produces cocaethylene which is highly toxic and may be to blame for a rise in cardiac-related illnesses among 30 and 40-year-olds."

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2009 15:53

You know what...

I don't think the question should be is it safe or is it likely that he is just a social user. More important to the OP ... is this revelation going to have a massive impact on the OP and her relationship. I know from experience that it's possible to worry a great deal about the damage other people might be doing to themselves, about the risks they are taking. it can be a terrible anxiety to carry around with you and if the OP's experience is anything like mine she will probably now worry every time he goes out ... is he doing coke, is he ok ...

OP - I think you need to work out if this is going to be a worry and an issue for you and if it is then you should ask him to stop. If he's really serious about wanting to be honest, to be a family etc then he should listen to your concerns.

On the other hand you may be able to live with the consequences of this revelation, perhaps you will be reassured by some of the responses on here from people who have experience of the casual drug user or of social drug taking themselves.

ooojimaflip · 09/11/2009 15:53

MeltedChocolate - why will it never be legal? The issues you mention are all caused by treating a social health issue as a criminal justice one.

tinkerbellesmuse · 09/11/2009 15:54

Yes you can use drugs without being an addict or it causing problems in your life.

Most of my friends from university have taken drugs on and off for the past ten years. Those with children have scaled back, of those without many haven't. None have suffered as a result of their recreational use.

Of course this is anectdotal and doesn't mean your partners use will be as uncomplicated but I really don't think 30 quid once a month is anything to get worried about.

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2009 15:54

It's so much more about if it will neatively impact on YOUR life. Not if it will impact on his. His will remain the same as always.

personally i think I would rather be kept in the dark.

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2009 15:55

and... I hardly think the posts about the damage it might cause him or the damage it causes the world are helping the OP particularly!

mrsshackleton · 09/11/2009 15:57

I used to take it socially in my 20s

It turned me in to a know-it-all, gobby, arrogant prat, as it does to everyone who takes it. That's why I stopped.

Now I know retrospectively the effect it was having on my heart, the number of middle class professionals admitted to a and e on a Saturday night for o'ding on coke and the effect it has on the people of countries like Colombia and Jamaica, I feel even worse and very lucky to have survived the experience unscathed.

If you're a father of three you really shouldn't be doing coke, just as you shouldn't be binge drinking. You should have grown out of it.

claraquack · 09/11/2009 15:59

Secondcocking - Amdram, hysterical and 16? Really? Have you visited downtown Kingston recently (and yes I know where it all started but the cocoaine trade is hardly helping)? I'm sorry but do or don't do cocaine, it's up to you (or in OP's case her dh) but don't think that by doing it you are not having a major impact on other people's lives. Educate yourself so you can at least make an informed choice.

Rindercella · 09/11/2009 16:00

Why don't you think those sort of posts would help DF?

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2009 16:01

I am pretty sure the OP doesn't really want to hear about the damage of the Coke trade. her question is about the personal usage and safety of her husband.

posieparker · 09/11/2009 16:02

I wonder whether OP's DP buys free range or battery eggs? You know whether he finds the plight of a chicken more acceptable than the plight of families in Colombia.

OP this is either alright for you or it's not. You have to decide. I think I would worry about how my dH would interact or respond if I needed him to deal with one of the DCs having taken coke tbh, or how he handles the next day. I think when you become a parent you accept that one of you, at least, needs to be compos mentis at all times.

claraquack · 09/11/2009 16:02

mrshackleton - good for you.

duelling fanjo, I understand what you are saying but I guess the thread has covered other things as well now. Sorry I don't often comment on things on MN but this is one thing I feel very strongly about having worked in Jamaica helping to try and stop the constant flow of cocaine back to the UK.

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2009 16:05

"Why don't you think those sort of posts would help DF?"

because I KNOW the anxiety that is caused by worrying about another person's coke use. Having stories about heart attacks and the evil drugs trade just don't help when someone is trying to find out if £30 of coke every few weeks is a massive danger. If the OP's husband is being truthful then that level of use is not hugely dangerous and I don't think it helps to put the shits up the OP by posting stories about excessive drug use when all she is doing is trying to educate herself.

She's better off reading the posts from the people who have actually experienced coke first hand on a social level.

Rindercella · 09/11/2009 16:06

I cannot speak for the OP, but I think that discussing the potential risks to a user's health and also the global impact the cocaine trade has are both entirely relevant on a thread such as this. Perhaps you just prefer to pretend these things don't exist?

MadameDefarge · 09/11/2009 16:07

Without passing any kind of moral judgement on this practice (though personally having lived in a deprived area of London where the gangs flourish on supplying coke to the city I personally would not want to use it) there is an interesting article about the health risks of social cocaine taking in conjunction with alcohol. And I have at least two acquaintences who have died this year from heart attacks after using cocaine and alcohol together on a regular, controlled, social basis.

here's one about social cocaine use in general

and this weekends report

Rindercella · 09/11/2009 16:07

x/posts.

I think many of the posters who have warned of those issues have had 1st hand experience. Me included.

posieparker · 09/11/2009 16:10

IN my former life, the one before children, when I was working hard and playing harder I would binge on a range of drugs from acid to mushrooms, coke and pills and copious amounts of weed. I am still alive and well, but two of my twenty something male friends did have heart attacks and die. One associate did 'find Jesus' and join a cult during a drug fuelled episode.

My guess is if OP's DH has admitted 1/2 gram in a month it's at least double.

He's unlikely to die with such small use, change his personality but coke is a moorish substance and most people would snort until it's all gone. So perhaps next time he'll buy a gram or two and then what?

mrsshackleton · 09/11/2009 16:12

DF, I posted about my own social experience

Personally I feel overwhemingly guilty about how my stupid habit might have affected Colombians/Jamaicans etc, without my life chances. I look back and remember my mouth being so dry I couldn't talk and my heart gallloping and think thank Christ I didn't have a heart attack. I look back and think of all the stupid places I took it, like in the office and in an airport toilet, and thank God I wasn't caught and didn't end up with a criminal record.

That's the recollections of a social user. However infrequently you take coke (and it escalates quickly) it is affecting others and it is affecting you negatively.

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2009 16:13

"Perhaps you just prefer to pretend these things don't exist?"

they do exist of course they do, but being told all this in such a judgy manner doesn't help the OP who as far as I can see doesn't use cocaine and so isn't responsible for any of the bad things people are posting about.

She's asking advice about her husband's minimal cocaine use.

FWIW - I don't, and never have, use cocaine.

posieparker · 09/11/2009 16:15

"She's better off reading the posts from the people who have actually experienced coke first hand on a social level."

So, not your then!!!!

posieparker · 09/11/2009 16:16

bloody hell

yours not your!!!!

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