Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you take cocaine socially without it becoming a problem?

174 replies

whattodonow1 · 09/11/2009 10:15

Father of my 3 children has admitted to me that he has been taking cocaine approximately once a month when on nights out with friends pretty much ever since we got together. Says he spends about £30 a month on it. I trust what he has told me as he is basically decided to put his cards on the table as he doesn't want to lie to me anymore. He knows I'm not into this type of scene and have never been involved in anything like this.

Basically he says he is not ready to give his habit up but hope one day to be in position to do so. I am pleased that he is finally be honest with me with a view that if he told me that he would never touch it again, he'd be lying as he knows that one day he will take it again. He doesn't see it as a big issue as he has been doing it for years and can on some occassions go for a few months without taking anything.

Basically want to know has anyone been in the situation where they or a partner has taken this drug and then grown out of it (partners 29 and most his friends are young with no responsibilities) In a dilema whether to run and struggle with 3 kids on my own or try to ignore this and hope evntually it goes away

OP posts:
Romanarama · 09/11/2009 11:52

I know lots and lots of people who took coke and other drugs socially in their 20s and have since given it all up and are great parents and successful professionals. But none of them took drugs when they had children.

I think you should also remember that it's illegal and going to jail or having a court case would be pretty unfortunate for the whole family. It does happen. Having a heart attack and dying wouldn't be great for the dcs either.

MrsChemist · 09/11/2009 11:53

Agree with posieparker.
Also, he has no idea what it is cut with. My friends had some one night that was obviously cut with a laxative of some sort. It was funny at the time, but thinking back, it could have been cut with anything and, frankly, they were lucky they just had the shits.

loupiots · 09/11/2009 11:55

Well, lots of people do take it "socially", without it being a problem.

Some people depend on it a little bit too much on it. Some people let it take over their lives. On the other hand, most people just grow out of it and the whole scene.

Why has he told you? What brought it up? Have you noticed a change in him? If he's REALLY only spending that, and only when he goes out with his mates, then he'll probably get tired of doing it eventually.

DP went out with some old (single and still partying) friends a couple of weeks ago and came home as straight as can be, because as he put it: "Nah - I've got things to do tomorrow".

Romanarama · 09/11/2009 11:58

Illegal drugs are traded by seriously horrible criminal organisations, so by buying them you are condoning and financing some truly evil misery-causing groups of people.

purpleduck · 09/11/2009 11:59

I agree Wannabe

Disenchanted3 · 09/11/2009 12:01

I'm with Wannabe,

I kicked DH out because he smoked a joint on a Sunday night, in the garden with his brother after watching' the fight'.

Wouldn't take him back till he swore never again and he hasn't.

mummysgoingmad · 09/11/2009 12:01

if its once a month i dont think he has a big problem, sounds like a recreational user..as long as you can be certain that he wont bring it into the home or take it more than once a month. i see the most poseters are getting on the cokehead bandwagon! fairly certain they havn't a clue about illegal substances! 30 quid a months doesn't make a cokehead...far from it!!! have any of you people got a clue about how expensive that stuff is..30quids worth is a miniscule amount! and before any1 asks yes i have taken it in the past..only a couple of line 1 new year dont reccomend it and wouldn't do it again

teameric · 09/11/2009 12:04

I used to take cocaine socially when I was a bit younger and used to go out a lot, but I wouldn't feel the need to do it now as it all seems rather pointless.
But if your DP is only taking it once a month then that isn't such a problem, if he was coming home pissed every night then I think you'd have more to worry about. He'll probably just get bored of it eventually I know I did.

Maveta · 09/11/2009 12:05

I guess I would wait it out and see how it develops. If he really is spending only £30 that really isn't much, have you never noticed him coming down the next day? If not again he probably isn't doing that much. Does he stay out all night/ what time does he get home on these nights? Does it affect his parenting? I agree with everyone else it is a risky behaviour, he could have a reaction, he could get arrested etc. What does he say to that? I also think lots of people partake in risky activities (legal and otherwise) so whether you can accept it or not really is a very personal call.

I did coke socially until I got pregnant, sometimes months between occasions and other times every weekend for a run of a few weeks. It is extremely addictive, even in that way that you would not class as addiction i.e. you don't have to have it everyday, but once you have a line its hard not to have more. Nevertheless dh and I were a bit tired of the whole thing and we pulled away, have gone on to be responsible parents and no plans to revisit those days. Plenty of my other friends still do it, some have stopped, some haven't yet but say they will when they have kids and some probably never will.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/11/2009 12:09

About half a gram once a month isn't anything to get too excited about IMO. I would be more worried if my OH was getting bladdered once a week which many people seem to be OK with.

Obviously it's up to you whether you mind or not, and up to him to keep an eye on things to see they don't start to creep up.

On that face of it though I wouldn't be too worried.

noddyholder · 09/11/2009 12:11

Once a month isn't a habit its an indulgence.Now that he's told you you need to watch it doesn't become more.My brother was a heroin addict for years.For the first 5 no family members knew as he managed it to the nth degree and somehow controlled it all He then confided in dp who told me and I told mty parents Once it was all out in the moment he felt he had nothing to hide and well full on with his addiction and pretty quickly ended up in a dreadful state. Some people can and in fact most coke users are occasional and recreational but I am suspicious that he has told you now as he may be wanting to offload so that he can indulge more!

thecookiemumster · 09/11/2009 12:24

I agree with wannaBe.

Who wants to be with a druggie anyway. How common.

valbona · 09/11/2009 12:30

definitely wouldn't say it was something to end a relationship over - so long as all other aspects are good.

but ... coke comedowns aren't pretty and get a lot less pretty as people get older. a man in his mid-20s can probably do a couple of lines and feel fine the next day but it gets harder to bounce back and it can start to impact on mood, behaviour, work etc well into the week.

I'd try to nudge him towards thinking coke was something he did in his 20s, experimentation and all that, but it's now time to "put away childish things" and grow up. good luck

SolidGoldBangers · 09/11/2009 12:30

The real evils of the drugs trade are down to prohibition actually - the main reason the Yanks have such a problem with organised crime is because of alcohol prohibition enabling criminal gangs to flourish.

Plenty of people take coke (and other drugs) socially in their youth and then grow out of it wihtout needing rehab, medical treatment or getting a criminal record. It's not a big deal unless it becomes a problem eg he starts taking a lot more and lying about it or he does get nicked, or get a bad batch and end up in hospital.

Disenchanted3 · 09/11/2009 12:32

But hes not 'in his youth' anymore SGB, he is a father of 3 and has not 'grown out of it' and is refusing to stop.

elkiedee · 09/11/2009 12:35

If he's telling the truth it doesn't sound like a huge deal but I have thoughts along the same lines as duke748.

porcamiseria · 09/11/2009 12:37

If he is REALLY only taking it once a month I'd not worry too much TBH

I think we tend to overdramatise drugs a bit, a monthly line does not a Kate Moss make

I know alot of (good) parents who cane alot more than that TBH

But this is an emotive topic, so be prepoared......

squeaver · 09/11/2009 12:41

As others say, yes some people can. Some people can't. And most people on coke are just so bloody boring and annoying.

BitOfFun · 09/11/2009 12:47

In the circumstances outlined in your OP, I would say yes, it is unlikely to cause any major problems if done with some common sense (small amounts, don't be obvious or get caught). I wouldn't have an issue with it personally. Obviously not everybody feels the same way.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 09/11/2009 13:09

Some people use for years without causing any problem, others are unable to be only social users and their habit causes destruction in their lives and the lives of their families.

Only you know your dh and are best placed to decide which group he falls into. It sounds like the former to me, but I would consider these points

-does it cause mood changes that effect your family life?
-can he afford his habit?
-is he using more than he used to, or is his intake controlled and consistent?

Ime, in response to other posters, drug dealers do not tend to cut their product with poisonous substances, dead customers are of little use and bring the authorities to their doors.
Agree with sgb, prohibition is responsible for many of the problems caused by drug trade.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/11/2009 13:32

one of my friends takes it (not a nanny) they are both stock brokers!!!

they are in early 40's and have 3 children

so people in good jobs take it

yes it is illegal - and like op dh - she and her dh do it about once a month

£30 isnt much - friend and dh do £60 between them, think thats for a gram but not sure of amount

yes op dh is being honest, and tbh a small amount every now and again is better than drinking a bottle or 2 every night

thesecondcocking · 09/11/2009 13:33

i missed the bit where the op asked the ins and outs and morals of coke so i'll answer the question.
I know many many people who take coke recreationally and have done for almost 20 years. I have taken it myself and never had an issue with it.
If he says he's not ready to stop then that's a bit telling though.
I can take or leave it now (but had phases where i'd find myself out with a real 'coke' crowd and be a bit of a coke hound)
if it's not affecting your family then i can't see the problem.

posieparker · 09/11/2009 13:43

thesecondcocking. The OP did not ask about the morality of taking coke but it's always worth mentioning that drug taking is not just about the person taking them. To ignore the social and environmental effects is as bad as walking past a vunerable woman being mugged, in fact it's worse.
The emergence of the cocaine industry in Colombia over the past three decades has had profound effects on the country?s political, social and economic structures as well as on the environment. Drug traffickers have used violence and money to corrupt the country?s judicial system, political institutions, and the military and police. By the mid-1990s, right-wing paramilitaries had become the country?s principal cocaine traffickers. According to Colombian and international human rights groups, over the past 20 years, these death squads have been responsible for more than 70 percent of the human rights abuses.

So you can enjoy your coke every now and then but as a result people, including children, are suffering tremendously.

catinthehat2 · 09/11/2009 13:47

Are you sure £30 is really £30 and isn't £30 this month because he's feeling bad about it but usually £120/month?

TarkaLiotta · 09/11/2009 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.