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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked by how much childcare some grandparents do?

223 replies

Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 14:14

I know a number of grandparents of kids from the local school, who look after their grandchildren from 7/8am - 6/7pm EVERY weekday whilst the kids parents are at work - (not only just outside school hours but also pre-school siblings), and then often look after them on the weekend so the parents can go shopping/have a 'well-earned' night out/have a sunday lie-in! Often these same grandparents also comment on the fact that they do the grandkids washing, help them with homework, take them to parties in the evening etc etc.
I just can't believe that these parents, IMHO, can take the piss so much, or how the grandparents let them get away with it.
AIBU? Is it in fact a lovely 'gift' for the grandparents to spend so much time with their grandchildren?
It could be I'm just jealous!

OP posts:
halfcut · 05/11/2009 16:12

I can assure you I'm not a poor old granny either...I fit more into the mad old lady category

ssd · 05/11/2009 16:18

as an aside to all this granny care, has anyone else ever noticed how the more capable the granny seems to be the more uncapable the mum is? OBVIOUSLY not true in all cases, but I know quite a few mums who have very able, organised mothers that do a lot of childcare for them, and these mums are often very disorganised and aren't the type you can rely on.

maybe they aren't used to doing the thinking for themselves.

halfcut · 05/11/2009 16:38

...Or maybe they just have kind lovely mothers like me

ssd · 05/11/2009 18:23

they certainly do have very kind mothers, but in some cases the extreme amount of help they receive doesn't do them many favours, just seems to render them a bit incapable in their own mothering capacity

halfcut · 05/11/2009 18:26

Oh well like I've said before help out a lot ,wrong ..don't help out enough,wrong ...can't win really

elatedad · 06/11/2009 15:28

We too have no help from gp, except when we go to visit, and even then it is never more than dc's sleeping hours. If gp lived closer, I would feel a bit more help were reasonable, but as it is, we do not have the option. I think my parents have drunk long enough from the cup of grandparenthood with my sister's kids, so are not so keen to jump in with ours.

Fillyjonk · 06/11/2009 15:47

I would not expect grandpaernts to look after grandchildren.

That said, we are lucky with grandparents. Both live a long way away-150 miles. But my mum comes up every few weeks, and my in laws come up every other month, and both sets take the kids out and spoil them and give us a break (and we turn a blind eye to the junk they eat and the plastic tat they feel the need to buy them and so forth)

I think grandparents do pretty much have a (moral) right to a relationship with their grandchildren and I've always wanted them to have this without me sticking my nose in all the time. Some parents I know will basically not let their kids seem gp's without them there, they will not allow the relationship to develop between them-and we are not talking about cases of suspected abuse or anything, we are talking about fear of imbibing a froot shoot or being spoken to a bit grumpily.

My kids love being with their grandparents and the grandparents love the kids.

When I have grandchildren (fingers crossed), I really do hope that I am in a position to see them several times a week and provide childcare.

Should kids be able to rely on their parents to provide childcare? I think , barring unusual circumstances, a good parent would tend to step in and help. It is about communication, isn't it? I bet a lot of parents love looking after young kids again-I know my mum would liek to do it more.

mixedmamameansbusiness · 06/11/2009 16:30

My parents do alot of childcare for me... mainly at weekends because i am studying and working part time and they stay over night every other weekend but my dad has commented that although it is tiring he loves it because he was so busy working when me and my brother were little he feels he can enjoy his grandchildren.

minxofmancunia · 06/11/2009 16:56

yanbu, alot of people take the p**s and don't realise how lucky they are, it's kind of like an expectation on their part that their gps will provide childcare.

My MiL would have dd all the time but it just wouldn't work for us, I work and would rather pay for the childcare we choose at dds nursery.

As for my parents they're v v busy, they love seeing dd every so often and they do babysit for us a couple of times a month, not over night though. In 3 years we've had 3 nights to ourselves for weddings etc. Now we have ds (6 weeks) as well its unlikely gps will offer/ba able to look after them both.

My Mum is v independent and does lots of activities. She's done her time looking after little ones to be fair. If I do have grandchildren then I will try to help out maybe 1x per week but certainly not full time. One thing I will offer though is a 1x per month overnighter, i really envy those who have this and me and dh would really appreciate having this option but it just osn't there for us.

LaydeeStardust · 06/11/2009 20:17

"yanbu, alot of people take the p**s and don't realise how lucky they are, it's kind of like an expectation on their part that their gps will provide childcare."

Perhaps, but equally an awful lot of people whose parents or inlaws look after their children don't take the p**s, most certainly DO realise how lucky they are and don't have any expectations at all that GPs will provide childcare....but are grateful and happy that they do.

My parents genuinely love looking after my children, I love the fantastic way they care for them, my children are happy and oh so thriving...me , DP and the children spend after school and all weekend together and are all really happy and close...how can anyone imagine this is a problem?!!

I think the key to it all is that parents and grandparents are open and honest with each other and talk things through regularly, and consideration from the parents is vital-for example I always, always offer to arrange holiday clubs in the summer/easter holidays etc ...but in reality both my children and GPs refuse and prefer to hang out together anyway!!Even the teens

One day I will look after my parents in return if they wish.

My childcare arrangements have worked out very well for over 12 years-I'm surprised by this thread tbh, I wouldn't dream of passing judgement on other people's childcare arrangements..live and let live say I

halfcut · 06/11/2009 20:46

Sorry but lol at your grandmothering schedule ..oh if only life was so simple

CristinaTheAstonishing · 06/11/2009 21:29

" and are all really happy and close...how can anyone imagine this is a problem?!!"

Exactly. Something that can work so well for all concerned has somehow been twisted into a "problem" on the basis of a couple of anecdotes.

floatyjosmum · 06/11/2009 22:29

im feeling jealous!

my mum has looked after mine for 1 HOUR and they are 8 and 4 YEARS!

i just think some gparents are better than others and want to be involved more!

SingleMum01 · 06/11/2009 22:39

halfcut do you live near me??? My DS is lovely!

maxpower · 06/11/2009 23:05

Thank god, I'm not alone! My parents have my dd one day a week and are always willing to pick her up from nursery (where she goes 3 days a week) if there's a crisis and I can't get there in time. However, I wouldn't ever have dreamed of asking them to look after her every day while I'm at work and feel quite guilty about asking them to look after her at weekends on the rare occasions that DH and I have a night out. I tend to ask my sister or see if PIL can help out (although they live a fair distance away).

My SIL had twins earlier this year and intends on going back to work 2 days a week (she's a teacher). She's asked her mum to look after the twins when she does go back to work. However, her mum doesn't drive and there aren't great public transport links between them (they live about 30 mins apart). SIL works 30 mins away in the other direction and used to get to work for about 8am. What I think is particularly unfair about this situation is that this will be significantly disruptive for her parents, as her dad will have an hour round trip twice each day to drop off and pick up her mum, plus twins are indredibly hard work. Also, it means that her parents will be tied to taking holidays outside term time when we all know the prices are higher.

Maybe I'm just jealous of the money they'll save, although I know I would never dream of expecting my parents to give up so much of their time to my family, irrespective of the costs involved.

twirlypen · 08/11/2009 22:33

Their is an old saying that 'it takes a village to raise a child'.... I couldn't agree more... my MIL and my Dad provide a day childcare each a week and have the most amazing bond with our DD. They love their days of being in charge and DD gets a variety of experiences she wouldn't get if with me or same child care all week.... You just gotta find what ever works for you. I feel very lucky to have the old style family support our family has and it has made us all much closer and appreciate each other more. : )

scottishmummy · 08/11/2009 22:44

if it is consensual,safe,with agreed boundaries,its no one else business

MrsSeanBean · 08/11/2009 23:30

My parents routinely look after DS 3.5 days per week. They complain that this isn't enough and I often get calls asking if I fancy a trip to the shops or some 'me time' sans child! Who am I to argue?

(Note: this is their first granschild so maybe the novelty hasn't yet worn off. Although he is a rambunctious 2.5yo.)

shabbapinkfrog · 08/11/2009 23:34

My wonderful GSon (17 months) comes to our house every weekday afternoon from about 12 noon till 6pm while his lovely Mum goes to work. Im delighted to have him here....in fact I'm chuffed to bits that they trust us to look after him.

For the first time in our 32 marriage neither of us are working - accident at work, benefits etc etc. We wander around our area with our GS showing him off and boring everybody with all the great things he can do.

We are having the time of our lives

shabbapinkfrog · 08/11/2009 23:37

Filly you hit the nail on the head - it is all about communication!

CaliforniaDreams · 08/11/2009 23:43

We have never had this kind of support and really could have done with it. Both my parents died before we started a family and DH's parents were already quite elderly. It makes me quite cross, actually, to see how much some people rely on grandparent help, but not sure whether that's out of sympathy for the grandparents, or envy because we never had any help like this...any support we did get needed to be hired at great expense!

As a result I have always vowed to live long enough to help my kids with their kids if they need me...but I certainly have no intention of doing it full time!

shabbapinkfrog · 08/11/2009 23:47

Awww California - I understand your post completely xxx

CaliforniaDreams · 09/11/2009 00:13

Shabbapinkfrog - thank you, I expect I'll be like you one day! (Not too soon though, hopefully!!!)

So it's true then, that having grandchildren is so good you really should have had them first?

shabbapinkfrog · 09/11/2009 00:26

Yes, without a doubt. If you have a quicky nosey at my profile you might see why its better being a Grandma!!!! Or 'Andma' as my grandson calls me. Its brilliant - and scary - you see your own child and their partner in one small person - its fantastic

Olifin · 09/11/2009 00:33

Totally agree that if everyone's happy with the arrangement, then what's not to like?

Like other posters though, I also know quite a few families where the GPs appear to be doing rather a lot (e.g. looking after 3 under-4s for long hours) while the parents are earning lots of money and paying nowt for childcare.

My ILs work F/T and I wouldn't dream of asking my parents to commit to providing free c/care for my children. They have already done their child-rearing and now they are enjoying their hard-earned cash through their holidays and numerous interests. The great thing from their perspective is that they don't have to do any of the discipline stuff with my DCs; it's just all about the treats and fun when we see them at the weekends. Plus, I have no qualms about asking them for the occasional babysitting favour on a weekend evening as I know I haven't relied on them at other times.

In some ways, I'm jealous of those who don't have to pay for their childcare as it's an expense I could really do without. On the other hand, I've got that daft pride thing and want to stand on my own two feet. If I wasn't prepared to take some time out of work/pay out the majority of my earnings on c/care, I wouldn't have had children.