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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked by how much childcare some grandparents do?

223 replies

Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 14:14

I know a number of grandparents of kids from the local school, who look after their grandchildren from 7/8am - 6/7pm EVERY weekday whilst the kids parents are at work - (not only just outside school hours but also pre-school siblings), and then often look after them on the weekend so the parents can go shopping/have a 'well-earned' night out/have a sunday lie-in! Often these same grandparents also comment on the fact that they do the grandkids washing, help them with homework, take them to parties in the evening etc etc.
I just can't believe that these parents, IMHO, can take the piss so much, or how the grandparents let them get away with it.
AIBU? Is it in fact a lovely 'gift' for the grandparents to spend so much time with their grandchildren?
It could be I'm just jealous!

OP posts:
Original poster
Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 18:30

Megapixels - if its just about making ends meet, why does that mean the GPs can end up doing housework, and babysitting for nights out too?
Halfcut - genuinely interested to know if you would be happy to do it 5 or 6 full days a week?

OP posts:
unfitmother · 03/11/2009 18:31

My mum lives an hour away but has my sister's five children loads before and after school plus full days in the holidays and gets really knackered, she's over 70.

ABetaDad · 03/11/2009 18:34

Undercovamutha - I am shocked at how much childcare soem Grandparents do. My parents have done a full 8 hours in the last 10 years and my PILS are well ahead of them with a very full 48 hours.

halfcut · 03/11/2009 18:35

If I didn't work then yes I would have them 5 days a week..I only work term time so have them often in the school holidays ...I also do the housework for my dd if I babysit at her house

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 18:36

Scottishmummy - I'm not trying to put down GPs as a childcare option, or attack WOHMs. I'm just saying that in IMHO, it is taking the piss for them to have to look after the kids in the week, and then again at the weekend. One grandparent at our school even takes the kids to weekend parties to give her DD a break cos she's been working all week. And it just makes me want to say 'well you've been looking after her kids all week - when's your break!'. And believe me, she (the GP) does look v knackered a lot of the time!
I'm not saying parents shouldn't help their children, I'm just saying it needs to be fair.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 03/11/2009 18:37

I don't ask DP's parents for much childcare for DD (MOL has cancer and the POLs still do a lot for the DSSs) but when I do both they and DD are delighted. It's nice for grandparents to help out - it makes them feel useful at a time of life when older people can sometimes start feeling superfluous - and it's nice for grandchildren to spend time with their relatives.

PeachyInCarnivalFeathers · 03/11/2009 18:38

Is it always taking the piss?

Mum always did just that for my sister- weekdays then my sis would be there 8am on weekends whilst her Dh went out and about; it was aprtly done to help with work, but also as sis had severe PND and struggled with her ds (they both almost died during late rpegnancy) so she appreciated the help.

When we were having ds1 oooh ten years ago now, we were looking for a nursery for him and Mum called to say she'd have him full time (I had to go back at 9 weeks becuase of the way ML worked then,and we were on a low income anyway, pre WTC/CTC)

She wanted to do it, wasnt asked and if she'd said she didn't want to do it I would have taken him to childcare.

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 18:38

Halfcut - if you've got some spare time I could do with a night out and a bit of help with my washing too !

OP posts:
megapixels · 03/11/2009 18:39

Don't know undercovermutha, maybe the GPs like doing all those things? I just know that I will not want to do it for those hours when I am a GP!

PeachyInCarnivalFeathers · 03/11/2009 18:40

If I can afford it btw, I'd love to be able to offer this tomy children. I'd hope theywanted to bewith them out of work, but I'd like to do the childcare if poss.

scottishmummy · 03/11/2009 18:40

how one organises own childcare is personal,and inevitably may not be to the liking of external observers. but as i said if it is consensual, with agreed boundaries - then ok

halfcut · 03/11/2009 18:44

Well megapixels this grandma does like helping her children out ..each to their own

Morloth · 03/11/2009 18:48

My Mum always cleans up when she comes over, and last time my MIL visited she cleaned the oven and organised for someone to come and clean the windows. They would be mortally wounded if I started cleaning at their house, it is kind of like a heirachy I guess, and they outrank me , is hard to explain.

I wonder if there is much overlap with these sorts of threads and the ones where people don't want their inlaws around too much at Christmas or whatever.

Families are all different, you really don't have any idea what is going on in any given situation unless someone actually tells you.

bogwobbit · 03/11/2009 19:03

I think some childminding by GPs is absolutely fine - my dm used to look after dd every Friday and it was great. Both of them really enjoyed it. However I do think that some people really take the proverbial . My sil for example, used her elderly parents (by this time well into their 70s) to look after her preschool daughter during the week while she was at work, plus babysitting at weekends, plus dogsitting, plus regularly doing her washing. Not only was she getting all this for free, she was also ripping them off financially in other ways although that's another story. Sil is a very forceful character and although mil would never admit it, she did find it all too much for her.
As to childcare being a personal choice and not anyone else's business, well it is and it isn't. One repercusion of parents using GPs as free childcare is that it lets governments off the hook of making sure there is reasonably priced, good quality childcare available for everyone with the result that those parents who do have to pay, pay through the nose for what is sometimes not a quality service.

scottishmummy · 03/11/2009 19:08

these threads always generate anecdoatal poor GP stories but that isnt the norm for all

point is it has to be
consensual
agreeable
clear boundaries

ssd · 03/11/2009 19:08

I think whats hard about watching the help other parents get for free from granny is when you stand next to these same parents and they tell you how hard they've got it , knowing (but not caring) that you have no help whatsoever

one mum I know has her 70 yr old mum leaving her own house at 7.30 every morning to get to her daughters and take her grand daughter to school, then to be there at the gates to collect grand daughter at 3 and then make her tea and babysit until mum comes home, 5 days a week. I get no help and work around the school times as I need to be there. every day this mum sees me she asks me why I look so tired and tells me how exhausted SHE is. her mum makes her tea every night, babysits when she wants her too, basically is at her daughters beck and call and the daughter never stops telling me how hard she has it.

no wonder I feel like pulling my hair out!

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/11/2009 19:13

YANBU OP, some people do expect GP's to be on call babysitters and childcare providers. Many forget that GP's have raised their own children and may want to enjoy their own life now.

Whilst I can imagine its nice to have a little help with childcare or the odd night babysitting expecting both seems very selfish.

ssd · 03/11/2009 19:13

and this granny I'm talking about looks absolutely knackered sometimes, when I tried to say to this mum that her mum was looking a bit tired (trying to be diplomatic) she turned round and said "yes but she's doing a lot of babysitting for my brother!" the gran had babysat once that month in the evening for her brother, she had told me about it.

maybe some grans can't say no and some daughters can't see further than the end of their nose

PyrotechnicToadstool · 03/11/2009 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StephHaydock · 03/11/2009 19:16

I would never dare comment on someone else's childcare arrangement. What business is of it yours, really? No offence.

I get loads of help from my mum. She has my kids two week days 8am-6pm, is my back-up if my nanny is ill on the other 3 days and babysits at least once a week for us. She will also often pop round on her 'days off' and help with housework or take my oldest out to the park.

I feel extremely lucky.

Also, my gran looked after us full time during the week while my mum worked from when I was aged 5 to when we were into our teens (and she was into her 70s). I absolutely adored her and had such a wonderful relationship with her. It was a privilege for us all, to be honest. My gran loved looking after us, and we loved having a 'third parent'.

Of course, it's not a forever situation for us. My mum is in her early 60s and fit as a fiddle. She won't always be, I do realise that. If she ever felt it was too much for her, we would find other arrangements. She's my mum. I love her and want her to be happy.

ssd · 03/11/2009 19:18

who rattled your cage? are you on the same thread here or what?

mrsboogie · 03/11/2009 19:23

I have had both sides of this - I was a single parent with my older son and my parents would never ever babysit even for an evening. My mother hates babysitting her grandchildren as she feels that she is doing their parents a big favour and no -one ever babysat her kids so why should she ever help anyone else.

On the other hand DP's parents feel that it is a pleasure to look after my DS2 and would babysit any time. DP's mum also gave up working 2 days a week so that she could look after him and does it for free more than willingly She loves him and she loves having him.

The other side of the coin is that my parents have never met DS2 (they do live in Ireland though) while DP 's parents (who admittedly live much closer) have a very close relationship with him and he loves them to bits. He would never have the same relationship with my parents becasue they wouldn't spend as much time with him.

bogwobbit · 03/11/2009 19:35

Blimey pyrotechnic, calm down love
Personally I also think these grandmothers often only have themselves to blame, and of course there are many arrangements that are mutually beneficial and work tremendously.
Probably I'm just a bit jealous at having to fork out thousands of quid over hte years while sil has the life of riley and pays nothing.
But that's my problem
Still makes me mad though.

Pollyanna · 03/11/2009 19:39

my mum now looks after my children 2 days a week while I work. my au pair helps her.

it was completely her suggestion - in fact she said to me, when I was planning my return to work, that she was hurt that I hadn't asked her. I would never have asked her.

Of course I'm grateful for it, and I never try to take advantage, so, for example, we usually cook the tea the night before so that she doesn't have to do it, and try to make life as easy as possible for her. I would never expect her to help out at weekends.

and there are downsides too, and in lots of ways i would rather an indpendent third party did this for me, leaving the lines unblurred between grandma and nanny. And I fee in debt to her, and guilty etc etc. But the kids love her, she wants to do it, and it does save us money.

I can understand that lots of people do take the piss out of this arrangement, but it can be consensual, and even (as in our case) driven by the desires of the grandparent.

halfcut · 03/11/2009 19:41

For what its worth I'm 50 have a mind of my own and can do what I like with my own family...and as for saying people like me who look after my grandchildren make it harder for people to get affordable child care ,sorry but what a load of bollocks ...some people like helping their children out believe it or not, but going by the criticisms of gps and mils on MN we must be a rare breed