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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked by how much childcare some grandparents do?

223 replies

Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 14:14

I know a number of grandparents of kids from the local school, who look after their grandchildren from 7/8am - 6/7pm EVERY weekday whilst the kids parents are at work - (not only just outside school hours but also pre-school siblings), and then often look after them on the weekend so the parents can go shopping/have a 'well-earned' night out/have a sunday lie-in! Often these same grandparents also comment on the fact that they do the grandkids washing, help them with homework, take them to parties in the evening etc etc.
I just can't believe that these parents, IMHO, can take the piss so much, or how the grandparents let them get away with it.
AIBU? Is it in fact a lovely 'gift' for the grandparents to spend so much time with their grandchildren?
It could be I'm just jealous!

OP posts:
GhoulsAreLoud · 03/11/2009 15:31

Some people just can't manage without that level of help though.

I'm quite proud that we get along just fine without any family for hundreds of miles.

ten10 · 03/11/2009 15:42

My mum looks after DS two days a week, and he often stays there overnight once a week,
My dad looks after him one afternoon/evening a week and again he often stays the night.

When we first discussed the arrangements I asked Mum how much I should pay her and she told me that she doesn't want payment, that her mother looked after us so that she could go back to work, she sees it as doing her part as a granny and that this is what family should do.
I know that I will do the same when I am a granny.

it has meant that DS has built a fantastic relationship with my parents.

sweetkitty · 03/11/2009 15:44

Same here no help from any family at all.

I have friends who will say to me "oh you are SO lucky you are a SAHM, I HAVE to go out and work to pay the mortgage" whilst getting 3 days free childcare from their parents, although she has since admitted that it is only because she has free childcare that she can work.

I see it all the time at toddler groups/nursery and school, GPs minding children doing pick ups etc. One woman I know minds her 2 grandchildren 5 days a week, I often see her pushing the heavy double buggy up the hill and she must be at least 65. Another one brings her Mum with her to toddler group all the time as she needs her help, I don't think she spends any time with ther 2 of them herself and lives round her Mums.

Very common her for grandparents to do at least a few days childcare a week and overnight stays are the norm too, one friend has every Saturday from lunchtime until Sunday lunchtime childfree EVERY week.

I'm a bit jealous I would love 2 hours a week childfree.

Longtalljosie · 03/11/2009 15:44

Crackfox - that's awful

Bonsoir · 03/11/2009 15:46

If grandparents want to help care for their grandchildren for free, and if parents are happy with this, it's fine and nobody else's business.

My DP's parents did an awful lot of childcare when the DSSs were small and thank goodness they did, or I don't know what state the family would have been in.

pranma · 03/11/2009 16:50

I love my dgc and do what I can but I couldnt do full time.I have dgs2 every hursday from 8am to 5pm and dgs1 alternate Mon and Weds from 1pm to 5pm.I also babysit when asked.I am 65 and really coulddnt manage more.I wont do overnighters till they are older[8mnths and 3.2 now].

bonfirewithaheartofgold · 03/11/2009 16:54

this is how things have always been isn't it? when women worked in the mills and stuff?

my mum used to have dd2 one afternoon a week before i was made redundant, she still does it so can get a bit of sanity time or take dd1 swimming.

Morloth · 03/11/2009 16:57

ilovetochat I took to hiding $50 notes in my Mum's house because she wouldn't take any bloody money for looking after DH while I was at work.

Some grandparents are not put out and they hate the thought of money, some of them just want to be really involved in the raising of their grandkids.

And some parents are happy for that to happen.

bigchris · 03/11/2009 17:05

i can't imagine my mum doung the toddler group rounds again
i always felt sorry for the grandmas who used to come to ours, theyalways looked uncomfortable!

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 17:34

Morloth - I would class being 'involved' as maybe childminding a couple of days a week, with the odd bit of babysitting thrown in.
Whereas 50+ hours a week plus related housework kind of seems ridiculous to me. I'm not saying its bad for the child, and it may even be better than some other forms of childcare, but is it really fair on the GPs?
For all the arguments put here, saying that the GPs love spending time with GC, I can't help thinking that that doesn't stretch to a 50 hour week.

OP posts:
ScattyKatty · 03/11/2009 17:35

Noone has ever helped me, why should they, he's my baby! My cousin in law has her Dad look after her 2 DC aged 4 and 2 8-5 Monday to Friday and I think she's taking the proverbial!

People are so cheap that they treat their parents like slaves!

Morloth · 03/11/2009 17:43

I think it depends on the GPs both my Mum and my inlaws offered full time child care when I went back to work. We ended up giving inlaws Fridays (so they could keep him Friday nights/Saturday mornings) and my Mum Mondays and Tuesdays with daycare on the in between days because we thought it was too much to ask.

My inlaws think DS is the second coming.

Morloth · 03/11/2009 17:47

Sorry, posted too quick.

My point is, that if I did what my inlaws/Mum had asked me to do (i.e. 7am-6pm Mon-Fri) and not hurt their feelings a little by using daycare then I would probably have been considered selfish by most of the commenters on this thread.

Unless you know the grandparent involved is unhappy then you shouldn't assume that they are. Both sets of grandparents in our family are retired, quite young and fit and wealthy.

Mum especially (widowed) adored swanning about with DS on her days and would love to have had him all week.

bigchris · 03/11/2009 17:53

'no one has ever helped me, why should they?'

what a bizarre attitude

a lot of gps want to help because they live theirchikdren and grandchildren
i'd like to think i'd want to look after my gc maybe two mornings a week! not full time though

mustrunmore · 03/11/2009 18:01

Its not a bizarre attitude at all. She's just saying that why on earth would you expect someone, even family, to have your child? Hope for it as a treat so you could go out, yes, expect it, no.

Its very much the norm at out school though, and there's one granny that goes to the next school along who looks very very doddery, and has 3 walking kids plus one in a buggy every day.

Sassybeast · 03/11/2009 18:10

I get no help from grandparents at all for various reasons and am always a bit jealous of those friends whose parents pick up all the childcare/housework/weekends away etc. Having said that, at nursery , the majority of pick ups are done by grand parents and whilst some of it may be for effect, there seems to be a general concensus of being put upon by their kids - lots of grumbling about how they wished it was 6pm so they could hand them back to the parents. I know for a fact that one of my close friends doesn't pay her mother for having her kids - it's never even been discussed - to me that is taking the P* as her mum is really pissed off about it but doesn't feel able to bring it up. Personally, I'd have hell freeze over before I'd let my MIL have my kids, but even if my own parents were able to help, I wouldn't dream of asking them to do it full time - paid or not. I think GPs must feel under such a huge obligation to agree if asked that they agree under duress. I sure as heck won't be looking after my grandkids full time

Winibaghoul · 03/11/2009 18:14

Well, I'm not working at the moment, but when I get a job, MIL will be looking after ds. She is a qualified childminder, and has always said that she will look after any grandchildren, rather than see them in nursery. That said, she is a big believer in the old tradition of extended family being there to help with kids etc. Strangely, I'm the one who has a few reservations about it all. We do intend to give her money towards it, as she could do with a bit of financial help. She has a young dd though, so she still does the playgroup rounds anyway. BUT, we certainly wouldn't expect her to have ds every weekend as well as whatever childminding she will do in the week, that would be taking the piss.

mmrred · 03/11/2009 18:15

I consider myself very lucky as my Mum does our childcare - full time. She loves it. When I had my first she was working full time and so didn't get the chance to be as involved as my Dad (who took early retirement and anyway worked from home before that). It took so long to get another grandchild she had started to think she'd never get another chance - so she makes the most of every minute.

I'd much rather my DS was with my (active and healthy) Mum than in childcare.

megapixels · 03/11/2009 18:23

Maybe they both have to work to make ends meet and they don't want to leave the children with anyone other than family? If I just had to go out to work I know I'd want my mum to look after my kids and I know she'd do it in a heartbeat, whatever the number of hours. And she would feel insulted at being paid too.

But even when I wanted to go to uni for a masters (so not that many hours as working full-time) and my mum offered to have the kids I just felt too guilty so decided to put it off until they are both school age. So maybe it was a hard decision for those parents.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 03/11/2009 18:23

My parents help us out a lot. They want to, we (including kids) like it. What's the problem? Yes, we are rolling in all the money we save and it's the only reason we do it

And if you feel sorry for those grandparents who look uncomfortable at toddler groups, how about making them feel welcome?

(Hang on, next week it will be "I feel sorry for the young au-pairs who look out of place etc etc.)

halfcut · 03/11/2009 18:24

Its not odd ..I'm a grandparent I look after my dgs's every weekend while my dd works and have them overnight if she wants to go out.. I love it would , not dream of asking for money and don't think I'm treated like a slave

CristinaTheAstonishing · 03/11/2009 18:25

BTW my B-I-L also helped us with childcare. He was redundant at the time, we needed childcare, the children like him. He's a 40 year old who can speak for himself and needs no-ones raised eyebrows and pity, I can assure you.

Morloth · 03/11/2009 18:26

Also not everyone is really concerned about being a "nuclear" family. Plenty of families (mine certainly) view raising kids as a group effort.

Amapoleon · 03/11/2009 18:27

It's perfectly normal here in Spain. Nobody questions it.

scottishmummy · 03/11/2009 18:28

if it is consensual for both parties,with agreed expectation/boundaries - no problemo

cant win on mn!

use nursery and you are allegedly leaving the children the children with reprobates yada yada

utilise grandparents and you are allegedly taking the piss

ho hum

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