to be shocked by how much childcare some grandparents do?

[Undercovamutha]

I know a number of grandparents of kids from the local school, who look after their grandchildren from 7/8am - 6/7pm EVERY weekday whilst the kids parents are at work - (not only just outside school hours but also pre-school siblings), and then often look after them on the weekend so the parents can go shopping/have a 'well-earned' night out/have a sunday lie-in! Often these same grandparents also comment on the fact that they do the grandkids washing, help them with homework, take them to parties in the evening etc etc.
I just can't believe that these parents, IMHO, can take the piss so much, or how the grandparents let them get away with it.
AIBU? Is it in fact a lovely 'gift' for the grandparents to spend so much time with their grandchildren?
It could be I'm just jealous!

MIL used to have Tom 3 days between 4-8:30, with Tom being dropped home by FIL 2 of those days. She now only has Tom once a week, 3:30-8:30, as she wasn't too well, and FIL is home that day as well. I'm on maternity leave and will need to ask if they'd still like Tom. They had him today 11:30-7:30 so I could goto hospital for various antenatel appts. They have had Tom overnight if we've wanted night to ourselves and are lucky to have SIL next door as well.

My mum lives 400 miles away and would love to look after Tom on a regular basis. I just hope PIL get on ok with Tom & baby, although it is only 5 hours a week and won't be till September.

Perhaps I should give up work?
My son has started reception this year and I am one of these uncaring parents who has never done pick up or drop off.
My parents look after my two boys four days a week - my husband has them the other day as he works a four day week.
I don't think I'm taking advantage though - they did offer! I leave lunch for smaller boy, and give them some money to cover any costs they have.
They babysit very occasionally in the evenings - perhaps once every couple of months.
I tell my mum not to do other jobs in the house but it is difficult to prevent her hanging out washing or weeding the garden (with help from boys).

Not having had a night away for 8 years, I'm to jealous to read this thread [bitter & twisted emoticon].

it's a thorny issue definitely

my parents are 70+ and don't get up until 8am so the droppers off at 8am would never happen

and they have loads of hobbies - golf, wi, thechurch etc etc

but when i'm 70 i can see that my hobbies might just be my family if i'm lucky to live near them

a colleague's mum gave up work to care full time for her daughter's baby, she now has both her children part time. i see nothing wrong with it. the granmother couldnt wait to do it, she loves it, the children are very well cared for in a loving home environment and the mum knows she can 100% trust her mum. she does not take the piss. i think its lovely that they are able to do that.

Exactly rasputin ..in my family we all help each other out ..

too obviously, not 'to'

I don't have parents, but I have a 77 year old grandmother who lives with us and looks after the children from time to time (once or twice a week usually in evenings) when we go out.

She's happy to look after them and has also recently completed a masters degree and is now looking to work or do another degree. She's certainly not a little old lady.

When I mention I might go back to work, she always insists she'd rather look after the baby rather than put him in daycare. I'm dubious she'd enjoy it all day every day, but she insists she would.

If my MIL lived close, she'd take care of the kids all day, like a shot! My mother was quite happy just seeing them every so often.

Some grandparents may love having the kids full time. Some like looking after them from time to time. Some just want them to visit. It's SO individual.

It's hard to make things work. I would love to find some sort of compromise - a part time job, so I can bring some money in, but still see the children enough. There just really aren't those sort of jobs around that would pay enough to make it worthwhile. It's really, really hard to find a situation that works and either way you turn, you can be accused of being selfish. Do you work or stay at home? Do you use daycare or grandparents? Which is better for you? For the children? There's no right or wrong answer here so we all try and find the compromise that works.

I really think we shouldn't bitch and judge other parents. You only see a snapshot of a family - you really don't get the whole picture, history and relationship from what you see at the school gate.

Halfcut, I said maybe the GPs like helping their children out in response to the OP asking why they'd be doing other chores as well. I didn't think there was anything odd about it!

I think it's perfectly understandable that people would use their GPs for childcare, I would imagine that for some (or most?) it would be their first port of call. Since I moved to this country and had dd2 she has never been apart from us, even for 5 mins, until she started preschool last month. If my parents lived here it wouldn't have been the case.

To whoever who mentioned (was it the OP, can't remember) the child who never has the parents pick him/her up, could the "grandmother" actually be the mother? There is a girl in dd1's class, I thought the person who picked her up everyday was her gran as she looked quite old. I mentioned something to a mum about X's granma picking her up when the other mum told me no that's X's mother! Thank goodness I didn't say anything of the sort to X or her mum!!

The story of Mary and Lucy is very . But that's probably unfair, Lucy probably got pregnant by accident both times even though she was very conscientious (sp?) with her contraception .

firstly I havent read the entire thread but I do notice that my friends rely heavily on their parents for childcare. My neighbour's mum collects their DS on a friday night and brings him back sunday night so she can party on saturday and lie-in on sunday

Maybe its me being as I have never had a night away from my boys as FIL has had a stroke and can barely look after himself let alone two under 3s, my MIL died 6yrs ago, my dad died 7yrs ago and my mum lives in a different country. I have no siblings and my only childcare apart from nursery is my fab next door neighbour who is always on hand to watch the boys for an hr when I'm starting work early and DH isnt home yet. My BF is also a star and helps me out loads (watching DC whilst at supermarket, walking the dogs when its raining etc etc)

I agree Undercovamutha some parents absolutely take the proverbial. I have afriend whose son calls his grandmother his "other mummy" (when he was 7!) as he practically lives there every weekend whilst mum goes off to gym etc.

I'd love to not have to rely and fleece the gp's for childcare. It makes me feel like shit, although they are totally lovely about it and maintain that family is everything and it was the same in their day. They are 73 and heros.

Can anyone find an alternative to my childcare needs?
I get my shifts 3-6 weeks in advance, I often do nights and days in the same week, shifts may well need changing at fairly short notice. Shifts are 8 till 8.15 day or night, and include weekends and bank holidays. There is no pattern or predictability. Bearing in mind I will often be late off and my kids are young, the children will often be asleep when I finish work, especially on school nights and will therefore need to sleep over. If I finish at 8.15 am, I need more sleep than the 9.30 -2.50 school hours only, especially if I am at work that night. I can't be sleepy at work.

Who can I ask to do that? How could I afford it?

We wonder why we have a midwife/nursing shortage.

heroes

My mam had 8 wanes of her own.

Then my eldest bro had a child at 16 - mam ended up practically rearing her too.

My sister got married - mam had her dd as well as the previously mentioned GD (this is whilst myself & younger sister were 4 & 6)

She minded them for 2 years until another grandson came along.... she minded him then too.

Get the picture? All in all she minded about 9 of her 18 grandchildren. Unfortunately she lives too far away from me to be of any practical help on a daily basis, but if she did? I know fine well there's be no stopping her from having our 2!

As it stands, I have a c/minder 4 afternoons a week, DH finishes early on a Friday so picks the wanes up himself.

My ILS are fab - though MIL is in her 50s and still works full time, she is more than happy to have our two the odd Saturday night so we can go to the pub theatre
They have had them to stay lots & had them a weekned when me & DH went to Dublin to see Take That.... they're brill I love my MIL to wee bits & I know she is genuinely mad about the wee ones.

I think it's nice for GPs to help out, however I do agree that a line has to be drawn somewhere.

My sister's ILs are fab - they have her dd every day after school, all 3 of her children on a Saturday & overnight most Friday nights. The granny insists on it & would huff if my sis said they weren't going down!! The granny has 5 grandkids & they are all there every weekend - she says it stops her being bored! (she has even phoned me up & offered to have my two when I was having c/care difficulties.... how fab is she?)

I don't think OP is bitching about people's personal childcare arrangements, just commenting that it seems rather unfair for a GP to have to take on childcare for so many hours a week when, let's face it, it's not their job to do it!(Hope I understood you correctly, OP?).
With regard to those GPs who are happy to do it, it doesn't mean that's what they're there for, just that the parent is lucky to have willing parents.
Even those of you whose parents happily look after your children quite a bit during the week must surely sometimes wonder if there isn't something else your parent could be doing with their week rather than look after your children? Of course they all say they love it, no GP is going to say they don't want to see their grandchildren, but you can't honestly think that they don't have some days when maybe they'd actually really like a lie in and just be able to do their own thing without a child/children in tow?

treedeLivingDeadery - i totally agree about the NHS. it is the most unfamily friendly organisation I have come across. My last ward manager did week to week shifts which was a nightmare for nursery. My current job has an 8week rolling rota and I have a VERY flexible and accommodating nursery. DH is also a nurse so we have to juggle shifts to suit childcare. the downside is we get little or no time together

I know some grandparents who do a lot of childcare and love it. These seem to mostly be where they are still fit and healthy but also where there are clear boundaries.

I also know one family that really do take the p*ss. The trouble is that the grandparents enjoyed it at first, but as they get older and iller it is becoming more and more of a strain snd their daughter just doesn't seem to see it.

Our family is another one where everyone helps each other. My mum is 54 and still has three of my younger siblings, aged 13, 15, 17, at home. She home-educates, so is in and around the house all day. I work as an actor, so can be away for a few weeks, then home for a few months.

When I'm at home, I often take ds and dd round to her house for lunch - she cooks, and I do dishes/ironing and generally help out. We'll go shopping together, and act like a big family unit. When I'm away, she and my husband share full time care. Is that so weird?

I agree that grandparents shouldn't be taken advantage of, but I think families have got very nuclear. There's nothing wrong with a good old extended family where everyone mucks in together. I can quite easily care for my children in my own home, I don't need "help", but I love the company of being in a big family.

Totally agree with Toria that families have got very nuclear.
I'm rather looking forward to being a grandparent - perhaps being able to work PT (which I cannot afford to do now) or retire and look after my GC.
My mum did a lot of childcare for us and we did stuff for her in return. I'm happy to know that she got to spend a lot of time with my ds before she died (and vice versa) and (without wishing to sound too mawkish) it breaks my heart to think that any further dc we have will miss out (and again, vice versa).

Oh - just to add it does surprise me that people have their parents do a whole week and then weekends on top. I don't know anyone who does this. But even so - if the GPs are happy and the DCs are happy - what's the problem?

All week then weekends too sounds unbalanced - how do the children develop a relationship with their actual parents?

But, grandparents being involved in the care of their grandchildren seems like a really healthy and lovely thing for all concerned. Until very recently grandparents would always have been involved in their grandchildren's lives.

I would love for my parents to be even remotely interested in caring for my children but that's never going to happen..

But the relationship my boys have with my father-in-law brings tears to my eyes they adore each other so much. If he wasn't in poor health I know he'd love to look after them and they'd all get so much out of it.

My theory is that grandparents of this generation are often incredibly selfish. My parents certainly are and I just think its sad all round that they and my children miss out on what can be a really beautiful relationship...

It does seem tough on gps to have done their childrearing just enjoyig their freedom then it all starts again.

My aunt has my cousins children 4 days a week. Its a really big commitment for them and IMO its too big an ask. They have lots of interests of their own they would like to pursue in their retirement and travel etc all of which is curtailed. They do it but to be honest not sure how much "choice" some of these GPs have. Easy for anonymous posters to tell GPs to just refuse but not as simple as that.

megapixels to clarify - both of Lucy's dcs were planned. She TTC DC2 to coincide with her the reinstatment of her entitlement to enhanced mat pay after she had returned from having DC1.

We get no help and I am a bit jealous of the people that get all the lovely free childcare.

The thing that amazes me is that these people so often moan about it. They say things like "Mum has been looking after dd all week and do you know what she didn't even cut up her veg on saturday" They just don't realise how lucky they are. If they do realise it then fair enough lucky them.

I am also amazed by the ammount of financial help people get from their parents. I know so many people who are bought cars, holidays, extensions and still moan about their parents not being generous. I thin they should just be so grateful.