to be shocked by how much childcare some grandparents do?

[Undercovamutha]

I know a number of grandparents of kids from the local school, who look after their grandchildren from 7/8am - 6/7pm EVERY weekday whilst the kids parents are at work - (not only just outside school hours but also pre-school siblings), and then often look after them on the weekend so the parents can go shopping/have a 'well-earned' night out/have a sunday lie-in! Often these same grandparents also comment on the fact that they do the grandkids washing, help them with homework, take them to parties in the evening etc etc.
I just can't believe that these parents, IMHO, can take the piss so much, or how the grandparents let them get away with it.
AIBU? Is it in fact a lovely 'gift' for the grandparents to spend so much time with their grandchildren?
It could be I'm just jealous!

sorry about typos !

Let grandparents enjoy being grandparents. It's a lovely role - I remember the times I spent with my grandparents when I was little and they are so special - all the more special because it wasn't every day or every week. If GP are expected to provide regular childcare then it changes the nature of that special relationship.

I totally agree that a lot of GP probably feel a lot of pressure - it's not always a free choice.

I very much hope to be a grandparent one day, but I hope I'm also allowed to have a life of my own. I would certainly want to babysit, be generally supportive etc, but IMO any parents who expect the GP to provide regular ongoing childcare are being quite selfish.

In answer to the last post, about why so many people who use GP like this still complain - I think that's quite simple. Very often the GP aren't doing things exactly as they'd like, and they can't disagree with them because it's all being done as a favour. They don't want to pay the proper rate for childcare and then complain because they don't get to have control. Very silly.

"Let GPs be GPs" etc etc, as if this was a set role with set rules in all societies and cultures. How about each family does things the way it suits them all? (Social services are there for vulnerable elderly - give them a ring if you think anyone's being enslaved.) Maybe the same GPs who are now providing childcare will be looked after by their own children when they are very old and will not spend their last years in nursing homes? Don't get so prescriptive about what people should do or not - you may not like it when tables are turned and people judge you. Envy aside - what's the real problem here?

What's to be envious of? I wouldn't want to feel I'd picked my childcare on the basis of what's free or cheaper. I wanted my parents and PIL to enjoy my children without strings attached. Lovely for everyone. I just think some parents behave very selfishly over this.

Violethill - just how many families do you know who picked their "childcare" GPs based on what was free or cheaper? Where are all these people whose intimate lives are known to all and sundry? Including what hours they do, what tasks they perdorm etc. I think you know one or two and then make wild generalisations based on your own prejudices. So you're not envious, good. try and be a bit more open minded. Yes, some families behave very selfishly over this. Some over other things. Maybe they over-work their nanny or maybe the provider-Dad over-works the SAHM. But then what would MN be without indignation over perceived faults in others?

Where I live (not the UK) it is quite common for expat parents to be living a longhaul flight away from their children. Children stay back home with the grandparents and mum and dad work all hours to send back money so they can eat and afford healthcare and education. That, I think, is a situation worth getting upset about. My heart breaks for them only getting to visit their children once a year.

It all depends on the individual situation and the GP's involved doesn't it? My MIL looks after dd 2 days per week (8.30-5.30), she was only going to do 1 day, but said she'd really prefer to do 2, and as soon as dd was old enough I started her at preschool for a couple of hours in the afternoon to give her some time off, dd is now at school so MIL will collect her 2-3 days per week and have her for a couple of hours. My Mum has also always had dd once a fortnight and really looks forward to her days with dd, they go off and have lovely days out at the beach or national trust properties. i am always very grateful for this and provide both GP's with as many eggs as they need (we have chickens), veg from our allotment and any favours I can - often pick up shopping for my MIL or do odd jobs around the house. We would have paid for childcare if we'd needed too, although it would have been a struggle, but both GP's love having a close relationship with dd and wouldn't want it any other way. I do know how lucky we are though.

I have a very special relationship with my grandchildren thanks..despite looking after them while my dd works and not only seeing them once a month or whatever you deem an acceptable amount of time..the way my family woks is my business and it works very well for us

works*

This reminds of a saying I heard:

"I want to have my children whilst my mum is still young enough to look after them!"

My MIL isn't keen on my DC, I wonder because her own daugher (SIL) moved back home when her DS was 8 weeks old. He's now 16 and SIL went on to have 3 more DC and she still lives with her now. I guess that when MIL comes to me she wants a break from doing childcare and therefore hasn't changed a nappy or done a babysitting shift. Her choice.

My FIL has a DC 8 months older than my DD1 so isn't interested in my DC as he's going through it all again himself with his second wife. They have asked me to babysit for them, but haven't offered to babysit for me in return!!

My parents adore my DC but live a long distance away so can't help out as they might wish.

I know one lot of grandparents who regularly get up at 4am and go to their son's house as he has to go to work that early!
They actually spend most of their time at their son's house as it's easier and they do his washing and ironing.
But to be fair he is a single parent, but they are no spring chickens, looking after a 2yr old and 4yr old at 72yrs old

Violethill - what about GP's who want/insist on providing childcare?
I have mentioned sending ds to nursery when I go back to work, and MIL's answer was - 'oh no you won't, you haven't seen baby rooms, he'll be much better off with his nanny' I'm the one who hasn't got much choice here - she has always said she would look after her grandchildren, and that is what she intends to do. And yes, I am worried that she won't do things the way I like, and that it could cause friction (I have a very good relationship with my MIL).
I don't EXPECT her to provide childcare, she excpects to do it. And this isn't based on 'what's cheaper' either.

Winibag - that's another example of family and regular childcare not mixing. You are feeling under pressure about your childcare arrangements because your MIL is wanting to impose her views on how you bring up YOUR child. If you want a nursery and are happy with it, how dare she undermine your choice?

It can work both ways can't it? - GP pressurising parents to look after their kids when that might not be what the parents genuinely want, and parents pressurising GP into providing childcare when it may not be what the GP genuinely want.

Haven't read all the posts but do agree withn the op.

I was dumbstruck when a neighbour was moaning about her elderly mum (well past 70)who was looking after her son after nursery and hadn't prepared dinner for her (neighbour's) husband!!!!!

Surely looking after grandchildren for free is enough without doing the housework too.

Trying to apply the tag of "Poor old granny" to DS's two Grandmas - it really doesn't fit.

Mad old women perhaps, but not poor old granny.

My parents are not well enough to even look after my kids for one hour let alone one day .
My dad works at home and cares for my mum who has dementia (came on when DD1 was born) so my mum has never had the chance to be a grandmother
And because of the state of their house (no furniture as my mum wrecks it all), they just can never go over there.
We've never had a weekend away from the kids in almost 8yrs.
The in-laws are in their mid 70s and grandad still works (painter/decorator)and mother in law has a spinal problem so can hardly move.
Yes, suppose I do get a bit jealous of people who have help from their parents.

I am with your ripeberry. Seems to me from the posts above a lot of grandparents are taken for granted in every sense of the word. Of my children's 4, 2 are now dead and one has dementia. My dad helps if he can but he is over 80 & does not live near me. Another friend has 2 parents with dementia to care for as well as her own 2 school age children.

So if you have grandparents around who are willing to help, show you value and appreciate them while you can.

(having said all that I am totally resolved that I will NEVER do anything other than occasional childcare for any grandchildren I have. I want my own life then!)

"So if you have grandparents around who are willing to help, show you value and appreciate them while you can"

There isn't a person whose parents help with childcare on this thread who has said anythin gother than that they really appreciate the help - your sentance sounds like a bit of a lecture which I must say I find (probably unreasonably) a bit patronising.

I'm single - it can be very hard. I wouldn't dream of telling people who have DH's at home to "show you value and appeciate them". Its really none of my business.

I think people who conceived easily should be far more grateful for their children than they sometimes appear to be. I could be jealous of people who get pregnant and have one child after another with seeming ease. Don't feel like lecturing them though.

Of course we all have our opinions and perhaps because its online, its easier to say what you think and you wouldn't dream of actually saying it to someone.

I would be honoured to do childcare for my DS if I am capable by then. I certainly wouldn;t give up my own intersts but frankly once I'm retired - is a couple of days a week with your grandchildren really "giving up" your life. There's only so much gardening and adult education a woman can do!

I get frustrated at the idea some people have that it is expected of the grandparents to provide childcare. As I am currently in the position of being the grandmother of two (our 25yo DS has a 3yo and our 23yo DD has a 3yo), as well as mum of two little ones at home (we have our 3yo and 3month old still at home), I can see it from the perspective of both grandmother and mum.

As grandmother, I refuse to be regular carer to the grandchildren. DS doesn't live in the area, so their child wouldn't be with us for childcare anyway. But DD lives in the area, and we will not do fulltime childcare for her, even though at one time we did temporarily. We did it fulltime for a while and it was absolutely exhausting. Between our work schedules at the time, as well as our own little one at home (our now 3yo), it was simply too much. Once she could find reliable childcare, that was done. Now we will only do the overhang - about an hour twice a week where she has to leave for work prior to the nursery being open. I think it really made it difficult to maintain the same "grandparent-grandchild" relationship (you know, where you get to spoil them a little and take them for fun outings and do special things together) when you have the child with you all day five days a week.

As a mum, I would never expect my parents or MIL to provide childcare for us. MIL has offered numerous times, but the only time we've left DS2 with her was when I was in labour/delivery with DS3. We like her to be able to be "nan" and just enjoy that.

I will be more than happy to look after any GCs we happen to get, even on a full time basis. Family is huge to me.

It isn't all one sided in many families either, my Mum has to pick up the phone and ask and there will be 6 of us ready to do whatever she needs, the same for my PILs.

When they do get elderly our preference is to find a way for them to live with us (we are taking this into account with our next house purchase).

Round and around and around the care and love goes...

Morloth - I get a bit miffed at the assumption that if the GPs don't look after the GC, this is because they (or the parents)are not family minded.
I would NEVER ask my DM and DF to look after my DCs BECAUSE family is 'huge' to ME! I value my parents so much that I couldn't ever ask or expect them to do such a lot of childcare, and I wouldn't allow them to volunteer for that many hours as I think it would be too much for them.

That's OK I get miffed at the assumption that grandparents who are heavily involved in childcare are somehow put upon to do so.

Sorry OP - you wouldn't 'allow' them to volunteer?? Boggling a bit here.