Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked by how much childcare some grandparents do?

223 replies

Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 14:14

I know a number of grandparents of kids from the local school, who look after their grandchildren from 7/8am - 6/7pm EVERY weekday whilst the kids parents are at work - (not only just outside school hours but also pre-school siblings), and then often look after them on the weekend so the parents can go shopping/have a 'well-earned' night out/have a sunday lie-in! Often these same grandparents also comment on the fact that they do the grandkids washing, help them with homework, take them to parties in the evening etc etc.
I just can't believe that these parents, IMHO, can take the piss so much, or how the grandparents let them get away with it.
AIBU? Is it in fact a lovely 'gift' for the grandparents to spend so much time with their grandchildren?
It could be I'm just jealous!

OP posts:
Hulababy · 03/11/2009 14:42

Also my parents are only 56y, and DH's parents just int heir early 6ps so neither set of parents are particularly old.

MaggieMonday · 03/11/2009 14:46

I find putting my children to bed exhausting. It's a solid hour of chivvying and nagging and chasing and story telling, tucking up, up and down the stairs with water, tissues, more hugs etc.. so at the boy who lives with his gp!!

Kewcumber · 03/11/2009 14:46

"grandparent says they 'like having them, seeing them grow up' etc- shouldn't that be their parents saying that though ?? Either way i think the grandparents should let the parent have to take more responsibility/pay for childcare... "

The option isn't me or Ma its Ma or childminder. DS already has 2 days at childminder really not sure how anyone outside our family can judge whether a day or two more "wouldn't hurt".

On other threads WOHM have been vilified for putting their small childrne into childcare - now it seems that grandparents are not an acceptable alternative either.

So basically the prevailing MN view is that women shouldn;t work?! UNtil they start school... until they leave school?

diddl · 03/11/2009 14:47

I think if it´sOK by everyone, fine.

What I hate is when people have to return to work, but can´t afford childcare and GPs are more or less guilt tripped into it.

Kewcumber · 03/11/2009 14:47

Ma is also doing my washing this week....

But in my defence thats because my washing machine broke down on MOnday.

MaggieMonday · 03/11/2009 14:47

Kewcumber, don't worry, everybody can tell the difference between a mutually beneficial arrangement and taking the absolute MICHAEL!!

Kewcumber · 03/11/2009 14:50

I'm the only person I know whose mother looks after their child at all, where are all these people who farm their children out to their granparents 20 hours a day 6 days a week.

They must be hiding somewhere else - I've genuinely never seen it.

diddl · 03/11/2009 14:51

But is she doing it all by hand, or putting it in her machine,Kewcumber?

Morloth · 03/11/2009 14:53

If I let my Mum/PILs have their way DS wouldn't even be living with us (he would move between their houses and there would probably be a tussle between them for maximum time). Both sets were put out when we decided to use daycare for some of it. And the fuss when we moved here!

Not all situations are as they seem. If grandparents want their grandkids around all the time and the parents need childcare, where is the downside? If however someone is being taken advantage of, then that isn't on.

pleasechange · 03/11/2009 14:53

My mum looks after my nephews - 1 full time and 2 part-time

What bothers me is that my sisters drop the kids off at 7am in the morning and then don't pick up until after 5. Then on nights out they happilly drop the kids off to my parents so they can have time off. I do think this is taking the mick. I am probably also because I live abroad and my PILs have never once offered to look after DS

cantmummyhaveabreak · 03/11/2009 14:53

Kewcumber- my rant was more aimed at the parents who send DC to grandparents every day of the week.

Admittedly, my mum used to have DS 1 day a week 7am-3pm while i worked, i was going to put him into a nursery for that 1 day as i was only working to have some 'adult' interaction... however, had i put him into a nursery my wage would have been gobbled up by the fee's for the day so can see that POV. Mum offered to have him, and at 39 (at the time) she was more than able to physically, and she wanted to, i fit my day's work around her work days and it suited us.

SerenityNowAKABleh · 03/11/2009 14:56

Okay, from some of the descriptions by the OP, that is ridiculous. But, for a start, aren't humans the only species to have menopause, which is presumed to be so that grandmothers can help out looking after children, while not being able to produce more of their own? So it is a natural thing. Secondly, if you do have to/want to work, surely it is better to leave your DC/s with a family member, rather than with a non-family member? Finally, it can be beneficial for both DC and GP, as they develop a close relationship, which can only be a good thing. I know a number of people who were essentially raised by their grandparents while their parents were working, and they have wonderful relationships with them. But yes, if the parents are taking the piss and using the elderly as a free child-sitting service, then that is wrong.

ilovetochat · 03/11/2009 14:57

i am amazed how many people ask their parents to look after their dc and dont even provide basics for the dc. why should gps have to provide nappies, wipes, formula, carseat, cot, blend weaning food, clear up, to me thats taking the piss.
if you are lucky enough to have parents willing to help you should provide everything and give them money to cover toddler groups/swimming/ice cream etc. why should gps give up time and money while parents earn money and keep it?

SerenityNowAKABleh · 03/11/2009 14:57

I know that all of DP's cousins were looked after by his GM during the week while their parents went to work. He's the only one who was sent to nursery (at 4 months).

ShinyAndNew · 03/11/2009 14:59

My mum has dd1 every friday. She collects her from school, gives her tea, baths her and brings her home ready for bed. She also has dd2, now that I work. But has always had dd1.

My nana has dd1 on Tuesdays. She does the same as my mum, she used to have her on Mondays untill I started working. Mil has dd2 on Tuesdays.

Dd1 also goes to my nana's every Sunday for Lunch and dinner and gets a bath and dressed for bed. She always has done.

I don't ask them to do any washing for me but my mum often steals it and does it anyway.

I don't think I am taking the piss. They enjoy seeing their dgc and I get the bonus of being able to work. I certainly don't think I am taking the piss out of my mum. She is my mum, she likes to help me. And gets plenty of help back. ATM she is at risk of losing her house due to my dad's illness so I am scouring my house looking for things she can sell on ebay to raise money and advising her on her new business venture/trying to think of new ones for her etc.

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 03/11/2009 15:01

Kewcumber - I am CERTAINLY not having a rant at WOHM (I work part-time myself and DCs have gone/go to p/t nursery) or at methods of childcare (PLEASE lets not go THERE!). And I am not saying GPs shouldn't help with childcare (mine are currently talking about moving nearer and if so, will undoubtably help with school run now and then). I am talking about my amazement of CERTAIN situations which are at the extreme - but seem to be becoming more common (IME).

OP posts:
BettyTurnip · 03/11/2009 15:03

Have seen this with a friend whose ds is in reception with my dd1. I once commented that she's really lucky that her mum helps out so much (cared for her ds full-time before he started school, now does drop offs and after school care, goes to her house to put washing out, babysits at weekends and so on) and she replied, laughing "Well, she's got no choice!".

FWIW, I talk to the grandmother quite a lot and she's blimmin knackered.

solongpumpkin · 03/11/2009 15:07

I think if gps want to do it and offer, fine. They should at least have their costs covered though if its a regular arrangement.

Assuming all these parents who expect free, full time childcare will be looking after their parents if they ever require it?

Hulababy · 03/11/2009 15:08

"i am amazed how many people ask their parents to look after their dc and dont even provide basics for the dc. why should gps have to provide nappies, wipes, formula, carseat, cot, blend weaning food, clear up, to me thats taking the piss.
if you are lucky enough to have parents willing to help you should provide everything and give them money to cover toddler groups/swimming/ice cream etc. why should gps give up time and money while parents earn money and keep it?"

ilovetochat - my MIL, as I said, had DD one day a week for about 4 years. We did not pay her. We didn't offer. We know for cetrtain she wuld have been truely offended at such a suggestion. She also offered, was not asked. I also didn't send money for days out, ice creams, etc. Again - they would not have accepted it at all and to offer would not really go down well. They didn't take her to toddler groups or activity classes, etc.

Initially I sent nappies, wipes, food, car seat, etc. but gradually they started to buy their own stuff. They got a second stage car seat as they felt it was easier and they'd be able to use it with other grandchildren - which they have done. They found it easier to have their own supplies at home. They never bothered with a cot. I took our pram and bouncy chair as just as easy to put in car.

Jjou · 03/11/2009 15:11

My DD goes to my mum's one day a week, and MIL's for 4 days. We pay MIL as she gave up her job (voluntarily!) to have DD for us, and she loves having her. She's only in her 40's though - I'm not so sure it would sit easily with me if she was in her 70's. I pay for nappies and playgroups etc. but MIL provides her breakfast and lunch.

We don't ask our PIL to babysit for us, though occasionally they take DD out for a day at the weekend so FIL can spend time with her too.

I'm not sure we're taking the piss - we have to work, our parents love having DD. It works for all of us. My sisters and I were so close to our GPs, and DP lived with his GPs (with his parents too) until he was in his teens - we want DD to have an equally close relationship as well.

Abubu · 03/11/2009 15:15

I dont see whats so odd about it. It's the way that life used to be with a close knit family and a lot of grandparents are also very happy to do it.

My parents look after my 2 year old twins 2 days a week while I am at work. My inlaws look after them the other 2 days and I don't work on 1 day so that I can be with them.

We also have our parents baby sit for us, although not very often. We only really go aout together about once a month so each set of grandparents only does evening babysitting once every 2 months.

This may sound excessive to some people but to be honest our parents are not people who have an active social life themselves. (although i really wish it wasnt this way as i worry about them)

My Mum and Dad regularly tell me that looking after the girls is what they enjoy doing more than any other thing, and to be honest I am actually worried on their behalf about how they are going to feel when the girls start going to school and they see them a lot less.

When they start school I will rearrange my working hours so that i can drop them off and pick them up and I honestly know that my Mum and Dad will be devastated.

I don't feel like I am taking the pee out of my Mum and Dad and equally think that I will be happy one day to look after grandchildren in my children need me to.

ilovetochat · 03/11/2009 15:24

abubu, thats a question i was wondering actually, how many people will be willing to give up their careers in 20yrs time to look after their grandchildren.
i have friends whose parents gave up work to care for them as children, now give up their time to look after their grandchildren and i hope these friends repay all this by caring for their own grandchildren, but i doubt it in a lot of cases.

sarah293 · 03/11/2009 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Claire2009 · 03/11/2009 15:25

I'm jealous, I get no help, from any family.

Hulababy · 03/11/2009 15:27

ilovetochat - as things stand now I would be more than happy to help out DD if and when she has children of her own.

I did, for a few months, look after my godson for no payment one day a week. I offered and loved it. Had to stop when I changed my own job though as it no longer fit in timing wise.