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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

789 replies

IHateWinter · 31/10/2009 10:08

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 31/10/2009 11:25

"But i never had her running up and down after me this way" - so what? Thats between your mother and your sister. I'd love someone to run around after me and I'm not even pregnant.

Maybe your sister is scared of giving birth of bre3astfeeding, maybe her relationship with her bf is under strain and thats why she spends so much time aorun your mums, maybe she is in pain - maybe she has shared this with your mum and not you.

Or maybe she is selfish.

Who knows, but its still not your business unless your mum is 95 and incapable of making her lasagne when she feels like it.

Tee2072 · 31/10/2009 11:27

As someone who doesn't breast feed, I'd just like to say

F*ck off.

Granted, it wasn't by choice. But I certainly don't need people like you being so judgemental about my or other people's decisions.

MaggieOicheSamhain · 31/10/2009 11:27

OP, do you have your own home and your own husband etc... and your younger (?) sister still lives at home except for when she's at her boyfriend's place??

It sounds like you have 'more' than she has and this is the time to get over sibling rivalry. Maybe if your mum is doing MORE for your sister it's because she doesn't appear to have it all sewn up the way you appeared to have it all sewn up... iykwim.

Louby3000 · 31/10/2009 11:28

Me, because in the PO it sounded as though she is staying with her mum. Or thats how it sounded in the post with no mention of the DH/P. It wasn't a judgement.

ImSoNotTelling · 31/10/2009 11:28

Do you feel that she is dismissing out of hand something that you worked very hard to achieve, believe in strongly, and are very proud of doing?

Do you feel it undermines your acomplishment? Is thaat why you are so upset?

If so, can't you jusy be pleased for yourself what you achieved, and let your sister do what she feels comfortable with?

Kewcumber · 31/10/2009 11:31

are you going to feel entitled to comment on all of her parenting choices? Or just this one? Find it hard to beleive she will do everything you think she should.

I can foresee some long weary years ahead on both sides.

Louby3000 · 31/10/2009 11:31

Ok jennylee thanks for that.

Original poster
IHateWinter · 31/10/2009 11:31

Also, I tried talking to her about it 2 weeks ago but she said breast-feeding past 6mths was 'yuck'. When I reminded her that I breast-fed for more than twice that long she expressed suprise and said 'no way am I doing that'. I think she felt a bit annoyed, which is when she said she would do it for a month at most if she had to.

Perhaps i should leave it but it grates me beacuse I think she should learn that life isn't always about her all the time. But no one will tell her that except me. Everyone else is too afraid of her temper and upsetting her.

I have to go out now, will be back later.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 31/10/2009 11:32

Or you could just look on smugly knowing that you are a better mother than her. That way both sides are happy - you get to feel superior and she doesn't have to hear you twitter on.

Kewcumber · 31/10/2009 11:35

"Everyone else is too afraid of her temper and upsetting her." - well then you're wrong aren't you, life does revolve around her.

I can see that might be annoying but still not your business. You have chosen not to collude in that fine. Now get on with your life and forget about it.

Louby3000 · 31/10/2009 11:35

I am so surprised at how nasty these comments get. What's the point?

ImSoNotTelling · 31/10/2009 11:36

Many people think BFing past insert random age here is "yuck" until they actually BF. Then many are surprised to find themselves merrily BFing toddlers.

She is going to give it a good go, what more do you want? I would never say that a woman should commit to anything when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth or childrearing. You never know how things will go, it's best to take it one day at a time and be flexible. Let her do that. She may well take to BF like a duck to water and never look back.

She will learn that life isn't all about her when she holds her new baby, and when it starts yelling, and when it's nappy needs changing, and when it won't settle and so on. Same as we all did.

LoveBeingAMummy · 31/10/2009 11:36

I think you are doing this the wrong way, you're showing her how judgy people are, maybe she is afraid she would 'fail'. Maybe you should be more supportive rather than trying to show you know best. Have yuo bothered to ask her why she feels this way?

ImSoNotTelling · 31/10/2009 11:39

Does your sister know what a hard time you had at the beginning with BF? Has that put her off?

Stillsquaffingthesteamingblood · 31/10/2009 11:40

"I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting"

At least you can see how toxic your actions are, regardless of how 'well-intentioned' you believe them to be.

Try hard to practice because the first fruit-shoot, first Nintendo DS, and first Nestle product will be along in no time.

ilovesprouts · 31/10/2009 11:41

yabvu ,its not your baby ,i did not bf my 3 dcs ,and im not selfish,its her choice ,no one cn force any one to bf !!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/10/2009 11:42

Oh Devendra what a moronic, ignorant, prejudiced POV. A FF baby whose mother did not smoke through pregnancy will be less healthy than a BF baby whose mother smoked throughout and whilst BF?

Bog off dear

Stillsquaffingthesteamingblood · 31/10/2009 11:42

...try hard to practice biting your tongue, I meant to say....

Lulumama · 31/10/2009 11:43

i did not breast feed either DC, something i have posted about previously,. the lack of support and help was astonishing

had i known a family member felt like you do about me, it would have been even more devastating

you have no right to push your view point, even if it is 100 % correct on your sister

if she intends to breast feed for one month, thne you should support her in that and not push her to committ to anything else.

some breast milk is better than none

Lulumama · 31/10/2009 11:46

"Perhaps i should leave it but it grates me beacuse I think she should learn that life isn't always about her all the time"

perhaps you need to learn life is not about you and your judgments and POV all the time

you should focus on supporting her

FWIW, the thought of breastfeeding for 6 + months , a baby that is not even born, is probably a big deal for most woemn to get their head around

you will most likely push her away from breastfeeding at all, which will be ironic, with your holier than thou sanctimony

bellissima · 31/10/2009 11:53

IHateWinter - I did breastfeed both my DCs. Didn't particularly enjoy it. Didn't do it that long. But did manage it. And guess what - one has asthma and one doesn't. Oh and neither of them have Einstein-like IQs.

bellissima · 31/10/2009 11:56

Oh and I should add that the marked preference of younger DC for one boob has left me a bit lop-sided! Sorry but it's not just pregnancy that affects your norks - I'm afraid I think breastfeeding has a greater effect. It has benefits but please don't get too preachy about it.

Sassybeast · 31/10/2009 11:57

YANBU to think it. YANBU to give her evidence based research to back up your reasoning. YABU to think that you can do anymore than that sadly.

flockwallpaper · 31/10/2009 12:04

OP, I would back off and say nothing. The 'breast is best' messages were already loud and clear when I was pg. It is her choice, but she may change her mind once her baby is born.

MaggieOicheSamhain · 31/10/2009 12:06

Bellisima. breastfed both of mine and one has asthma and one has eczema.... the lactivists would tell you that BFing was a guarantee against this!

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