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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

789 replies

IHateWinter · 31/10/2009 10:08

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 31/10/2009 12:13

I've always believed it's absolute bollocks to say that 'breastfeeding doesn't ruin your breasts, pregnancy does.'

Rather naive to think that a small person attached to your boobs and sucking the life out of them for hours a day is not going to affect their eventual shape.

SofaQueen · 31/10/2009 12:17

You are free to THINK whatever you want to about your sister, however you are wrong to condemn her for HER choice.

thedollshouse · 31/10/2009 12:23

What advice are you looking for?

You have informed your sister of the health benefits and given her literature to read. She is still choosing not to bf.

What do you want Mumsnetters to say to you? Perhaps you should hold her down and force her to bf or contact social services and report your concerns.

I'm at a loss as to what you are expecting to get from here. Unless of course you were hoping for everyone to back you up and agree with your view that your sister is a selfish cow. I suspect you were just after causing a little trouble ...

ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 12:24

"a small person attached to your boobs and sucking the life out of them for hours a day"

wow, you must be involved in some sort of breast feeding support group...

CantThinkofFunnyName · 31/10/2009 12:26

Can totally agree about the bf ruining your boobs rather than pg. With DC1, he wouldn't latch, incredible lack of support, so I expressed. Boobs perfectly in tact after. DC2 took beautifully to BF, which I did exclusively for a measly 8 weeks before weaning to FF and going back to work. My boobs post DC2 were atrocious. Sooooo large, slack etc. Had a reduction 3 years ago and guess what, I'm NOT going to BF DC3 when I give birth in 7 weeks time. My boobs through pg this time have remained quite small, although fuller, and really havent changed at all. But hey, by FF my DC3, I will probably turn into a really really bad mother. Yes, breast maybe best, but it will not make me happy. Selfish? Very possibly but nobody else's business at all. My body, my choice.

Stayingscarygirl · 31/10/2009 12:30

I have posted in the past about the difficulties that I had breastfeeding the dses - one ended up in hospital at 6 weeks old, 10oz under his birthweight and officially labelled 'Failing to Thrive' whilst I was breastfeeding him constantly - ie one long feed from sun up to sun down (or son up to son down - lol).

I ended up formula feeding all three, and they are strapping healthy lads. Two got into highly selective senior schools in Essex - in fact, one was in the top 25 candidates out of the hundreds who sat the 11+ his year. None of them have asthma.

Breast is, without a doubt, the best, but it is ridiculous to suggest that not breastfeeding is tantamount to abuse and will condemn a child to a life of subnormal intelligence and poor diet. What you feed your newborn baby is only a fraction of what you will do for that child during its childhood.

I failed at breastfeeding my children, but from weaning onwards I have done my best to give them a good diet. I cook a lot of their food from scratch and use fresh ingredients wherever possible. We always have fresh fruit available in the house for them to help themselves to. We've surrounded them with books, taken them to interesting places, introduced them to good music, talked to them about all sorts of issues, encouraged them to learn new skills and make friends, made sure they attended good schools and supported their educations however we could - the list goes on and on.

I firmly believe that the decision on what you feed your newborn does not determine whether or not you are a good mother - there's so much more to it than that.

OP - if you truly want to help your sister, then you should be focussing on supporting and encouraging her, not nagging her. And the accusations of jealousy that have been levelled at you are based on your post where you list all the things your mum does for your sister. Read that post again, and perhaps you will see how resentful you sound of the fact that your mum is doing all those things for your sister, not for you.

hercules1 · 31/10/2009 12:36

I think it is selfish not to breastfeed. However I also don't think there is anything wrong with being selfish.

I does loads of selfish things as a parent - I couldnt survive doing it otherwise.

ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 12:37

To those that say breastfeeding 'ruins' your breasts. What exactly do you think your breasts are for?!?

ChunkyKitKat · 31/10/2009 12:38

This is such a fraught issue.

Yes, breast is best, but some women feel under tremendous pressure to breast feed when they don't want to for whatever reason.

You have to accept it is her choice and let go IMO, you've told her what you think now it's up to her.

wahwah · 31/10/2009 12:38

I think OP is being over the top, but I do recognise the almost desperate wish to pass on your experiences and ram the message home. My sister wavered for a little bit and I had to force myself to stop talking about it. I really wanted what I perceived to be the best for her and her baby.

As it was, she made the right choice for her and continued bf. If she had decided to ff I would have shut up, but tbh I would have judged her, as appalling and unreasonable as this sounds.

Slovenlymummy · 31/10/2009 12:40

Think you ABU to push the issue with your sister, but if you must then maybe you could mention that BF helps get rid of the post-baby tummy for lots of extra lasagne (or biscuits in my case!!)

ChunkyKitKat · 31/10/2009 12:41

Strongly agree with FiveGoMad earlier on, back off now for the sake of your relationship with sis and baby.

Slovenlymummy · 31/10/2009 12:42

ALLOWING for lots of extra lasagne! Sorry!

Stayingscarygirl · 31/10/2009 12:44

Why don't some people realise that pushing, nagging and pressuring someone to do something is far, FAR more likely to make them do the exact opposite?

Stayingscarygirl · 31/10/2009 12:45

And - the fact that I felt like a failure for not breastfeeding was what tipped me into postnatal depression after each child. How was that good for my dses? Or me, come to that?

hercules1 · 31/10/2009 12:46

I do think there must be deeper issues here. I am very pro breastfeeding however with friends who are very dear to me, it makes no iota of difference to me and how I feel about them as to how they fed their children.

CantThinkofFunnyName · 31/10/2009 12:46

CAD - what are breasts for? Well, mine are attached to my body oddly enough, so I make the choice about what I do and don't do with them. Just as I would respect anyone else's choice about what they do with any part of their body. Are female faces made especially for make-up? Were ears made for piercing - or indeed other bodily parts made for piercing? Is hair put on our bodies to be shaved/waxed off? No - and it really doesn't matter does it? Because we are in a society (thank God) where we are able to make choices about what to do with our bodies, whether or not to terminate unwanted pregnancies and what to do with our own lives.

FF vs BF is clearly something some people feel v strongly about - but oddly enough, only ever those that are pro-BF who seem to feel a need to put down those who FF. Those that this applies to, concentrate on your own children rather than others. It really is NOTHING to do with you whatsoever and makes people v angry with you.

ChunkyKitKat · 31/10/2009 12:51

Slovenly - I put on weight when I breast fed!Something to do with comfort eating toast at 3am I must have eaten far more than the extra 500 calories you're allowed.

ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 12:55

this is my opinion, and I was under the impression that forums are for people to voice their opinions?

People choosing not to breastfeed because it 'ruins' their breasts makes me angry.

You don't really get people being pro- FF though do you? And what could you 'put down' about breastfeeding?

hercules1 · 31/10/2009 12:58

Oh plenty of people put down breastfeeding. It works both ways, really it does.

teatank · 31/10/2009 12:58

stayingscarygirl the same thing happened to my sister. she bf cos she was brainwashed into it by midwives nurses ect.. she also fell into depression cos she felt like a failure. you should be given your options and supported with your choice. either choice is fine

ScummyMummy · 31/10/2009 13:00

Selfish smelfish. I feel a bit selfish for persevering with breastfeeding while my daughter tumbles down the centile charts. Hopefully now her tongue tie is sorted this will stop and all will be well but these decisions are not always clear cut. If I'd formula fed from day one maybe she'd be a bit fatter. My sister is the most supportive fabster ever and has been wonderful during my struggle with what to do. She has given me no dogmatic advice whatsoever, just listened and been lovely.

ElenorRigby · 31/10/2009 13:01

Maggie I didnt breastfeed mine and she has no asthma, eczema, is very healthy

As for the OP YABVVVU. Beak out it's none of your business.

Rubena · 31/10/2009 13:01

It is her baby, her choice etc. You are the Aunt - but doesn't really make it your business. Some people find the thought of BF makes them anxious and find it hard to deal with. It would be better for the baby to FF right from the start if it causes too much stress. Alot of babies are not BF in this world and are fine.
I would suggest backing off and perhaps even apologising if you want to make sure you get to see your niece / nephew in the future.

Stayingscarygirl · 31/10/2009 13:02

Formula feeding saved my sons' lives, ChickandDuck. My supply dried up whilst ds1 was having phototherapy for neonatal jaundice, and even pumping for hours on end didn't re-establish it.

Ds2 hadn't regained his birthweight at 6 weeks, despite my feeding him constantly, every waking hour. He only started to gain weight when formula was introduced.

Ds3 was mixed fed from the word 'Go'. I breastfed all day and he got two formula feeds over night. When I tried to cut one of these out, to get back towards fully breastfed, he stopped gaining weight.

All three are alive today because they were formula fed - is that pro-ff enough?