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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

789 replies

IHateWinter · 31/10/2009 10:08

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/10/2009 10:31

But I feel how this child is raised is my business

yeah - no it's really not. Being related to a child's mother does not give you the right to butt in or try to influence parenting decisions in this way.

Try to read and take on board what people have said. Are you always selfless? Do you never do anything which might not be best for your DCs but is easier for you?

bluejeans · 31/10/2009 10:32

Why did you name change by the way?

lazyemma · 31/10/2009 10:32

Assuming you're not a troll -

It's such a personal thing, IHateWinter. I didn't "even try" to breastfeed because I had a breast reduction operation a year previously and I didn't know if I'd be able to produce milk (most women don't manage to breastfeed exclusively afterwards, but some manage to with heavy supplementation). One of my friends was very sneery about my decision and said some hurtful things. We don't speak any more because even though this was 3 years ago it still bothers me. Be very careful.

curiositykilledscarybin · 31/10/2009 10:33

IHateWinter - EXACTLY, you will be the child's AUNT. Not her MOTHER. If you were my sister I would find it hard to have anything to do with you when you are so interfering and judgemental.

Being an aunt means you don't get to choose how the child is raised. You can have feelings but it is your responsibility to support your sister in HER choices not try and make her do what you want. If you hound her like you are saying she will not want you around and then you won't see your neice.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/10/2009 10:34

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mosschops30 · 31/10/2009 10:34

Why name change if you believe in this so strongly - it suggests that youre either a troll or just a reg poster trying to start a slanging match between ff and bf

FWIW YABU - how youre niece is raised is absolutely nothing to do with you, how would you feel if your dsis started commenting about what you were feeding your dc's.
And so what if she only does it for a month, thats a month of great breastmilk.
And if she doesnt do it at all, there are worst things she could be doing to the child.

Grow up and stop being so controlling if you want to have any sort of relationship with your sis or niece

BrokkenHarted · 31/10/2009 10:35

YABU. I totally agree breast is best, but I BF my son for 6 weeks until i dried up and was heart broken so i have decided i am not going to BF next one even before i am pregnant. It is selfish because i dont want to go through the same thing again and also slightly to do with the fact that i am young and my boobs took a battering after first child and i am not ready to have total pancakes (although they aren't far off now). However it is the decision i have made and would be very annoyed at anyone, espesh my sister, telling me i was BU for not BFing.

Your sis will be in the same place every first time mum is, worrying how she will cope, will she be a good parent and it is so wrong for you to mess her up like this.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 31/10/2009 10:35

It is none of your business how your sister raises her child. Yes you will be her Aunt. I have 15 nieces and nephews not once did I feel that it was right to interfere in how they were brought up. I am not there parent.

Twintummy · 31/10/2009 10:35

My premature twins only had 4 weeks (expressed never put on breast as they were very poorly) as I couldn't cope with any longer than that and my milk dried up from stress. I was very pro-BF but I was made to feel awful in hospital when my milk dried up. I was made to feel terrible for putting them on a bottle. I had successfully bf my DD and presumed although harder work I would do my twins but it doesn't always turn out the way you want it to.

I was even put on drugs to stimulate my milk but I had very very severe side effects and the constultant decided my mental health was more important than milk for the boys.

The boys are never ill. 4 weeks is better than nowt! I don't understand why you feel so strongly. She said she will probably bf for a month, it may turn out longer it may not. Consultant said that even a drop can make a difference. It's her life, her baby and I would be shocked if my sister was so controlling of my choices.

TrillianSlasher · 31/10/2009 10:37

YABVU. Choosing not to breastfeed is very very far away from child abuse, and certainly not anyone else's business.

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 31/10/2009 10:37

can't believe an aunt thinks she hasthe right to interfere, I think someone needs to get a life

Vallhala · 31/10/2009 10:39

Why should I have no say...?"

Because its not your child and its not your boby and its not your life, thats why! How patronising can you get!

If you were my sister you wouldn't damn well be seeing your neice at all.

YABVVVVU.

Jennylee · 31/10/2009 10:40

it is not up to you and is not really your business, bf is good and I did it but its only feeding, do not fall out with your sister over this, she will make lots of choices different to yours but it is her baby and her life not yours. You can think it but don't say anything to her it really is up to her.

I have cousins who won't even try it and think they are right and I don't say anything as it is their baby, they are still good mothers, and people can be good mothers and not breastfeed.

PuppyMonkey · 31/10/2009 10:40

Your sister will probably be better off if you do decide to avoid her.

ImSoNotTelling · 31/10/2009 10:40

YAB totally U. Totally. It is her child, it is entirely up to her.

I understand that having had a hard time BF yourself, and persevered through cracked nipples pain etc you may feel a bit evangelical about it. But really it is entirely up to her.

She has said she will do it for a month - well that's pretty good and a commitment - if it goes well I expect she will carry on. If not, well fine.

Really. It's not as if she's said she is going to beat her DC every day or join them into a cult or something.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 31/10/2009 10:40

Twintummy, as someone who is just getting to the end of 6 weeks feeding her single, non prem baby I am impressed!!

AnnieLobeseder · 31/10/2009 10:41

As some others have said, YANBU to think it, but YABU to keep pushing your point. I agree with you totally, and I'd be just as upset as you. I hate the 'formula isn't poison' line. No, it's not poison but it's far inferior to breast milk. People who say it's not an important choice are deluding themselves. If you look at the stats regarding the health disadvantages of ff babies, it is a very very important decision indeed.

I realise lots of women struggle with bfing, and have no issue with those who have tried but not succeeded. It's the women who won't even try for vanity's sake who I will never, ever understand.

Why do we condemn women who willingly continue to smoke when pg for knowlingly damage their baby's health, but have this attitude that it's OK not to want to bf, when the health issues are just the same? Surely that equates to carrying on smoking 'because I wwant to and it's my choice'.

If you genuinely can't bf, fair enough, you do your best.

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/10/2009 10:41

If you're not a troll and so convinced you are right, why name change?

Its none of your business as to whether your sister FF or BF. You banging on about BF will simply drive a wedge between you if its not her choice.

I decided to FF and never even contemplated BF - it doesnt make me selfish as you seem to imply. My baby, my choice.

Vallhala · 31/10/2009 10:43

Did I really just type "... its not your boby..."?

I meant "Its not your body"

AnnieLobeseder · 31/10/2009 10:44

Just want to add though, what I said applies if she refuses to feed at all. If she does decide to go for the month, then that's great! You can't really ask any more.

ScaryMotherWhoScreeches · 31/10/2009 10:45

WEll I'm going to stick my neck out and say I can kind of see where you're coming from. Of course you care, and fwiw, I think yes, everyone should try and breastfeed.

However, you will just piss her off if you carry on pushing it. The decision isn't yours to make, and there will be so many things where she will need support when she's got a new born.

teatank · 31/10/2009 10:46

i fed my ds formula milk from day 1 and hes 18months now. he has only had 1 minor illness in all this time and the fm hasnt made him grow 2 heads yet. give your sister a break and help her by not putting her on a guilt trip.

curiositykilledscarybin · 31/10/2009 10:47

AnniLobesder - Smoking is equivalent to FF?! Really, you are trying to compare those two things?!

If you actually read the research about FF you will realise that actually in a rich developed country like this there really is not too much difference in outcomes between FF and BF children.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/10/2009 10:49

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LadyGlencoraPalliser · 31/10/2009 10:54

My sister also chooses not to breastfeed. I disagree with that and with many other of her parenting decisions. Do I say anything? Damn right I don't, it is NONE of my business to tell her what to do.