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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is selfish for choosing not to breast feed?

789 replies

IHateWinter · 31/10/2009 10:08

She hasn't even had her baby yet but has already decided that she doesn't want to try it and if she does she'll only do it for a month at most.

I've told her that breast milk is healthier and gives the baby antibodies etc, but she won't listen to me. I gave her a baby book that explains why breast is best but she won't read that either.

What else can I say? I worry about my future neice. I understand that she many not want to carry on doing it for a long time, but I really do feel that if you have a baby you have the responsibility to try and give it the best start in life. I really feel she is more concerned about what her breasts will look like than her babies needs.

I'm suprised by how strongly I feel. I find myself avoiding her in case I end up saying something upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh, and before anyone says, I AM NOT A TROLL I am a regular poster who has name changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHateWinter · 31/10/2009 10:55

Twintummy that is understandable. I understand that some people can't breast feed for genuine reasons.

I know what AIBU can be like and thought I might find any nasty comments easier to take I'm already been called a bitch which is just predictable.

I'm not sure myself about why I'm getting so worked up about this. It's taken me by suprise. I find a lot of my sister's decisions questionable, but usually keep my opinions to myself. But this time I'm genuinely really annoyed.

Just for background: My sister has always been spoiled. And since she's been pregnant my mother has been acting like her personal servant. She cooks her dinner and brings it up to her, and then removes her plate for her afterwards. If she gets a craving my mother runs down to the shop and gets whatever it is for her - even very late at night. If she says she wants lasagne my mum will go out, buy the stuff and cook it for her ASAP. In fact when my sister complained that breast feeding would make her boobs 'too big' it was my mum who told her she didn't have to do if she didn't want to. So anything she wants she does basically.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 31/10/2009 10:56

Annie, the health issues aren't the same dear. Just thought I'd mention that.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/10/2009 10:57

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curiositykilledscarybin · 31/10/2009 10:58

IHateWinter - so basically you're just jealous of her and want to spoil it for her... Nice...

ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 10:58

YANBU

My sister made the decision not to BF before birth and never even tried. She made the decision not to because of how it might effect HER body. Selfish. If she had tried and couldn't I would be understanding, but she didn't, the decision was made with her in mind, not her baby.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/10/2009 11:00

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ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 11:00

I don't see how encourging BF is 'spoiling' it for her?

ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 11:01

Why Shine?

Vallhala · 31/10/2009 11:01

"it was my mum who told her she didn't have to do if she didn't want to."

Well guess what sugar, your mother is right! Does it not occur to you that what your mother does - in this case to help your sister- and what your sister does, i.e. deciding not to breastfeed for whatever reason she likes, is none of your business?

For the record, I didn't BF either of my children. I had no intention of and no desire to do so. MY choice, and one which has resulted in two extraordinarily healthy daughters, one teenaged and one near-teens.

ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 11:04

But it IS selfish to choose not to BF? Breast IS best, so choosing not too is not in the childs best interests?

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/10/2009 11:05

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TrillianSlasher · 31/10/2009 11:06

"the decision was made with her in mind, not her baby"

Maybe she decided the downsides for her if she did BF were bigger than the downside for the baby if she didn't.

I hate this assumption that when someone become a mother every single decision has to be based on what is best for the baby, not taking into account at all what might be best for the mother. Even in cases where the benefit to the baby might be small, and the difficulties or sacrifices might be very large.

Kewcumber · 31/10/2009 11:06

Oh by all means keep lecturing her, the upside will be that you're highly unlikely to be required to babysit

She hasn;t even had the baby yet, so she hasn;t really made her mind up (even if she thinks she has) - weren't we all more concerned with ourselves before we had children?

I was forced to formula feed and would dearly love DS to have had breast milk but it wasn't possible and I do make sure he now has a healthy diet and he isn't any more or less healthy at 4 than any other childrne I know.

Breast might be best but formula isn't the end of the world in the right circumstances. Nagging lectures however can be fatal if there happens to be a sharp fork lying around...

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/10/2009 11:07

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PuppyMonkey · 31/10/2009 11:07

Even if it is selfish (which I don't agree), so bloody what?

ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 11:08

Trillian, that still makes it a selfish decision though?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/10/2009 11:09

Yeah, chickandduck and we do loads and loads of things that aren't in our childrens' best interests - it's called being human. Everyone's thresholds are different. For me, not BF was unthinkable but I could never be one of those mums who dosn't let their kids watch tv or plays with them constantly. I'm too lazy and selfish. See?

Kewcumber · 31/10/2009 11:09

btw your OP asked "AIBU to think my sister is being selfish not to breast feed"

Answer: no you're not being unreasonable to think it, nor even to have your say. But you've said, so keep your mouth zipped now.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/10/2009 11:09

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TrillianSlasher · 31/10/2009 11:10

It sounds as if you have already decided that your sister is a selfish spoiled person, and are using the decision to maybe not BF, or maybe not do it for very long, as proof to back up your opinion.

You don't "think your sister is selfish for choosing not to brastfeed". You already think your sister is selfish, and you want us to back you up.

KatieScarlett2833 · 31/10/2009 11:10

So what, judgey von holier than thou....

ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 11:10

I'm not saying that we don't kat. But the question is

AIBU to think my sister is selfish for choosing not to BF?

It is a selfish decision?

Original poster
IHateWinter · 31/10/2009 11:11

Oh so now i'm jealous because I have real concerns? typical.

Like I said I understand completely when BF doesn't work for genuine reasons.

But as far as I see it at the moment my sister is being immature. She isn't thinking of her babies needs, she's thinking about her fashion and body concious self. Formula is there, and no, of course it's not in any way the same as rat poison. But I think it should be a choice of default. We also have a history of eczema, asthma, and bowel dieases in our family and i'm worried about that too (both my dcs were born with eczema) - although of course my niece may not be affected by that.

I think she is acting like a teenager, and should realise that she is now going to have to put someone else's needs first.

OP posts:
ChickandDuck · 31/10/2009 11:12

Shine, so if it does then the OP is NB, surely?

TrillianSlasher · 31/10/2009 11:12

Depends if you think that having a happier parent is important to a child. IMO the is a point beyond which X,Y, or Z might be technically better for the child, but if makes the parents miserable or stressed or grumpy there is no net benefit to it, and more likely a descrease in the child's overall welfare.