in thinking that if you get invited to someones house and they are providing food, that you should just be grateful and not fuss about it ??

[MrsMorgan]

I am honestly not sure wether iabu or not.

Basically we are having a small halloween party next week, just me, the dc and my siblings and their partners.

One of my brothers gf's has recently lost weight through a leading weightloss group and is now a leader for one of those groups.

I am doing buffet food, nothing really cheap and nasty, just sandwiches, salad, quiches, etc. I am a single mum and I am funding all of this on my own, with my mum throwing in a few bits and bobs.

My brother has just emailed saying that his gf is bugging him about what food will be available. I can only assume that this is because of her diet, because previously she had no food issues. She already knew it was a buffet.

I am really annoyed that she is doing this. I am have sorted the whole thing on my own, food, decorations and games and tbh think that it is rude for her to question what will be available.

Last week they asked if her sister and her baby could come to the party and despite not knowing them I agreed as it makes no difference to me, but now I feel like I am being taken for a ride a bit.

AIBU ??

It's the bizarre idea that at a buffet there would be nothing at all that you could eat.

However given that some people's idea of a buffet is a bowl of chilli it probably depends on what your idea of a buffet is.

FWIW I wouldn't ask my DH to ask his mum what she was cooking at xmas, it would be rude. I mean it just is.

Having said all that I have never been on a diet and I have never hosted a buffet so my opinions are not entirely based on experience

Haven't read all 8 pages here but YANBU.

I have done Weight Watchers - don't know if that's her scheme of course - and it does allow you to work around occasions like this. If she leads a group, she must know strategies for having an evening out when you have to guess at the points value of the food and do the best you can. If she can't cope with that she will struggle as a group leader, because how will she advise other people? Also, who can't work out what is likely to be included in a buffet? And how hard it is to decide that you will stick to the lower-calorie sandwiches and salad stuff, and not cram down the crisps and sausage rolls (if there are any)? Itchyandscratchy is right - this stuff is mainly common sense, but people are made to feel it's some incredibly tricky balancing act that they will fail at unless they go to a huge amount of effort.

I personally think it's not the rudest thing ever, but it is a little bit impolite to question the food provided, as it suggests it won't be up to your standards, whatever those are. But rise above it as others have said. And it's very nice of you to put on a party too. If it were me, I would come, eat whatever there was and be happy someone had got it all ready!

No aggression just think it's a bit rude.

Was told this was rude as a child. If you're a guest you don't question 'what yer havin' different if it's your own mum as 'guest' rules don't apply there. I happily rifle through my Mums cupboards to see what she's got, but I wouldn't do this at SIL or even best friends house.

The reason beghind the question is important,s with mannrs as with everything else in life intention is paramount.

Not rude to casually ask close relative what you might be having out of curiosity, but rude to question what you might be having if intention is it may not be suitable for you.

Intention and reason for actions is always important surely?

Agree, not the rudest thing ever, but still breaks a manners rule that I was brought up with.

Well, I'll add a slightly different perspective. There are certain foods I can't eat for religious reasons, which does add difficulty to all things eating related. If there was a buffet, I generally wouldn't ask, but if it was a sit down meal, I may do so, or just warn and say "would you like me to bring anything else along?". I would hope that anyone who has known me for any significant amount of time knows that I can't eat certain things, but it is still difficult, as people forget (I'm going to stay with a family member, and had to say "BTW, can't eat blah blah and blah", which made me feel a bit urgh, but I have to do it). I think it is better to warn up front, or to ask up front, rather than just turn up and not eat anything at all (which IMO, is even ruder). I still have family members though, who despite knowing me my whole life, know that I can't eat certain things, still decide to serve (with no alternatives) exactly the things I can't eat. That does my head in (and does not make for easy family relations).

If it's a dinner party type meal though ie a meal with no choices, it's normal to ask people what they can/can't eat, if they are veggie, is there anything they don't like etc etc. As there is no choice.

Buffet by it's nature means choice, so totally different kettle of fish IMO.

"Not rude to casually ask close relative what you might be having out of curiosity, but rude to question what you might be having if intention is it may not be suitable for you."

see i don't really get the distinction there. if it's not suitable, better to know, surely, so you can fill up on something else beforehand? or would you prefer your guests to starve rather than just answer the question?

lol at this, it's all becoming rather arcane, isn't it? i really would not care at all if someone asked me what i was dishing up, even if they were my third cousin twice removed, or the local vicar or my next door neighbour. it's not on my list of Things To Bother About. but then i like talking about food nearly as much as i enjoy eating it. so if someone asked me i'd bend their ear and then tell them that they're nominated to bring a pasta salad.

Having lost lots of weight on "a leading diet" I would say that it is really hard when you get invited to things and you're not sure what is going to be there. If she's on a points system she might be trying to work out what she can eat and whether she has to save up her treat points all week. Alternatively you may have done a meat and salad style buffet which isn't so hard to fit into weightwatchers.

You can't really understand unless you have a bad relationship with food just how hard it is to get back on the wagon if you have a horrific splurge one night - and buffet food is the bete noire of many sucessful dieters.

I think YABU as it seems to me she's only asking - probably so she can starve herself for 2 days to make up for your sausage rolls and naughty cakes

So not being unreasonable! If it was me and I was on a strict diet I would eat before going somewhere then just nibble on what I am safe to eat if there was anything!

Bleh I have friends who are Muslim and if they are coming over I always buy Halal or cook veggie to make sure it is suitable that is a totally different thing like allergies!

Havn't read all the replies, but totaly agree with OP. I am veggie, but if someone forgets, I try to let it go. My worst meal ever was at a friend's parents house, I'd known her for about 10 years at this point, so didn;t feel the need to mention that I was veggie and very allergic to coffee. It was Boxing Day, we had turkey curry and tiramisu... I sort of ate around the turkey, filled up on rice, hid the meat under my knife and fork but really had to decline the Tiramisu (on the grounds of being to full). Was absolutely ravenous by the time we left - take it from me, it is nigh on impossible to find anywhere selling food on Boxing Day night in the depths of deepest rural Derbyshire!