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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that if you get invited to someones house and they are providing food, that you should just be grateful and not fuss about it ??

186 replies

MrsMorgan · 24/10/2009 22:52

I am honestly not sure wether iabu or not.

Basically we are having a small halloween party next week, just me, the dc and my siblings and their partners.

One of my brothers gf's has recently lost weight through a leading weightloss group and is now a leader for one of those groups.

I am doing buffet food, nothing really cheap and nasty, just sandwiches, salad, quiches, etc. I am a single mum and I am funding all of this on my own, with my mum throwing in a few bits and bobs.

My brother has just emailed saying that his gf is bugging him about what food will be available. I can only assume that this is because of her diet, because previously she had no food issues. She already knew it was a buffet.

I am really annoyed that she is doing this. I am have sorted the whole thing on my own, food, decorations and games and tbh think that it is rude for her to question what will be available.

Last week they asked if her sister and her baby could come to the party and despite not knowing them I agreed as it makes no difference to me, but now I feel like I am being taken for a ride a bit.

AIBU ??

OP posts:
Tortington · 25/10/2009 12:22

yanbu - i am on a strict diet and if i was that fucking arsed - i;d bring my pissing own cheeky bitch

bruces · 25/10/2009 13:15

I would say to your brother if she'd like to bring some food esp for her seeing she's done such a fantastic job with weight lost you can understand her being worried about buffet food.........kills two birds with one stone you seem a caring person and one less mouth to feed.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 25/10/2009 13:21

you people must come from extremely weird families if a brother can't ask his sister what food she's planning to serve without causing a big brouhaha.

UnquietDad · 25/10/2009 13:23

Food fussers and faddies really piss me off.

There should be, next to RSVP on invitations, another acronym:

EWYFG

(Eat What You're Fucking Given)

Goblinchild · 25/10/2009 13:31

H2, considering the fallout I'm not surprised she didn't ask the question herself.

lovechoc · 25/10/2009 13:31

YANBU.People should take what they get if being invited to a relative or friend's house.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 25/10/2009 13:31

i just don't know any people who are fussy about food. i must have weeded them all out of my life.

but if my wee bro said 'what are you having at the party, cos gf's on that diet thing and wants to know' then saying 'sausage rolls and quiche, so not diet food, but i could leave a bowl of undressed salad for her if that's any use?' just doesn't seem like the biggest hassle in the world.

Uriel · 25/10/2009 13:33

YABU, oversensitive. She's only asking...

AitchTwoToTangOh · 25/10/2009 13:33

i know goblinchild. imagine getting invited to a party where you were made to feel like a pita just for asking what's getting served... it's nuts. (although not nuts, obv, as they are v fattening).

ImSoNotTelling · 25/10/2009 13:37

Um well if I were having a buffet I would be a bit if half my friends rang up to get me to list what was going to be served.

It's a buffet. The nature of buffets is there is a choice. There is certainly going to be something people can eat. To have to provide lists to people is silly.

Goblinchild · 25/10/2009 13:38

EWYFG

So I'd have to say 'Why should I come to your party you fucking control freak?"
Or just
RSVP? FO

I couldn't be tiptoeing through a minefield like that for a couple of hours, it would drive me insane. And Good God, what if they added alcohol for the grown-ups? Too dangerous.

If I was related to such inhospitable people, I wouldn't bother socialising with them. I'd stick with people I liked, related or not.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 25/10/2009 13:39

yes, i would be too if half my friends rang up. thankfully they wouldn't.
but my brother might, and if he did, and it made his gf feel welcome, then i would tell him.

truth is, the op disnae like the gf.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 25/10/2009 13:42

x-post with goblinchild there, amusingly enough. but yes, imagine this from the gf's perspective. 'i'm doing really well on this diet, it's making me feel so much better about myself, but my sil is having a tantrum because i got db to ask what will be on the table at the buffet. what should i do?'

anyway, who has a family buffet and doesn't get each person to bring something anyway? then everyone gets something they like and it all gets eaten. host provides something hot and bread and salad.

Goblinchild · 25/10/2009 13:45

If the gf felt she needed to bring her sister and baby as moral support, you may be right
What's the betting that if she hadn't said anything to the brother, come and eaten next to nothing then the OP would complain about that?

Did you ask anyone for help, or do you sound petulant by accident?

pigletmania · 25/10/2009 13:46

YANBU it just for one night fgs, you eat what you are given and if you dont like it than doent eat. Of course if there were diatry issues than yes of course she should ask but being a faddy eater no no

ConnieComplaint · 25/10/2009 13:49

I can't believe this thread all because someone asked what food was being served!!

I know (as someone who follows a well known eating plan) how difficult it can be to stick to your plan when eating in someone elses house.

I always bring something of my own when I go to other houses.... always a pasta dish and a salad bowl of some sort - I will always tell the host I am providing that as well as a huge bowl of chopped mixed salad with ice-cream or yoghurt of some sort. If other people want some, fine, if not, still fine. I have had a nice night with people I like spending time with, without putting my own weightloss in jeopardy..... and for those who say "It's only one night, what difference can it make" for someone who has eating problems, diet worries etc, one night can make all the difference between being pleased or upset at the scales, it really does mean so much to some people that they don't want anything to get in the way of their weightloss.

I feel she may have been asking just so she would know whether or not to bring along something that she could eat? I know when my MIL had a BBQ in summer she would have loads of high calorie dips and crisps as snacks before the food was ready.... knowing this I was able to knock up a few low fat ones, chops some veg/fruit as dips (I did fruit kebabs & everyone loved them!) I also wrapped bananas in foil with 2 choc buttons slotted inside them which everyone loved.... and managed not to gain any weight.

So, I feel YAB a little U but maybe just because you picked it up the wrong way??? I also feel her husband asked because she didn't want you to take it the wrong way....which may have happened anyway?

Enjoy your party either way & know that she obviously wants to be there & that's why she's asking re: food.

piscesmoon · 25/10/2009 13:57

I don't think that OP would have minded if she had phoned up and offered to bring a few contributions. If she is on a strict diet, knows it is a buffet and worried about what is on offer, all she has to say is-'I'm bringing a salad and xxxx-I thought you might like some extras'.
The communication to OP seemed to be that OP must make the effort. If I accept an invitation I never ask what we are going to eat!It is rude.

hatwoman · 25/10/2009 14:02

sorry if this has already been suggested but I suspect that one of the problems might be your db - in terms of communication. ime some men aren't very good at getting the point that some people might care about something that they couln't give a monkeys about - might not see that sometimes people just want to know what's happening so they can plan etc. I can just imagine gf casually wondering if it's a buffet as in a meal or nibbles and asking your db. your db barely registering the question, and certainly not registering that it has remotely any significance, saying he doesn't know. perhaps at a later stage gf asks if he could find out. and he says he will. but he doesn't. so a few days later she asks him if he asked. he says he hasn't. so she's a bit annoyed because he hasn't done something he'd said he'd do. therefore she's "bugging" him.

obviously the above is entirely speculative - and you know the people involved. I personally wouldn't ask about food like this but neither would I be annoyed if someone did.

nighbynight · 25/10/2009 14:17

yes, agree about the communication. His gf may have had a moan in the privacy of her own home, without realising that it would all be relayed to you.

Twintummy · 25/10/2009 14:26

She's only asking what you are serving. I don't understand the fuss.

kitbite · 25/10/2009 14:35

Regardless of what the "adult" reply should be, I would be tempted to email back "we'll be eating pies. Large ones. With lard. Followed by a Mars Bar each."

But then to be questioned would annoy me too! I did well on a diet a while ago and was invited to someone's birthday buffet. You just go, and if you'[re worried you eat before you go and keep your mouth shut. Or make up your mind to throw yourself into the occasion and not make a fuss. Either way it's rude (imo) to quiz the hostess unless there's an allergy and it's really necessary.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 25/10/2009 14:39

you people are MENTAL. it's a FAMILY do, it's not dinner with the queen. . what lovely family parties you must all have, with all these imagined slights to contend with.

JodieO · 25/10/2009 15:29

I think yabu, it's no big deal for someone to ask what food is being served surely? I really don't see what the problem is and I don't think it's rude.

Also, I can't stand it when people complain about "fussy" eaters. I probably come under that term but I don't consider myself fussy, I just know what I want. I'm not demanding and would go without rather than cause a fuss as I simply wouldn't be bothered about missing one meal anyway but where I have a choice I will damn will have what I like; "fussy" or not.

Why waste your time worrying about such a non-issue op? Just tell them what you're serving, no? Wouldn't that be FAAR easier all round and would actually show you to be reasonable person and host?

Agree with Aitch, it's just a family do not some posh thing!

Fivesetsofschoolfees · 25/10/2009 15:34

I think about two-thirds of the people on this thread are being unreasonable.

Surely if you care about your guests, you will try to make them feel happy and comfortable in your home?

If you are having a buffet, how hard is it to put out a few slices of ham? Why stress the guest out by either not feeding her or making her bring her own. People on diets need your support, not to be outcast. I suspect the issue is not to do with the diet but perhaps you don't really like her very much. Would you do anything different if it were your mother, close sister, best friend asking the same question?

I don't think she is being faddy - she probably likes everything too much which is why she got to be on a diet in the first place. Have some compassion.

A buffet is a perfect way to cater for everyone's tastes and appetite size. You can put out as many dishes as you like. Quiche is not suitable for someone who is trying to get into good eating habits.

I personally would never serve sandwiches at an evening engagement, or quiche for that matter unless it was particular fancy and definitely home-made. My main thing for a winter party is a big pot of chilli, which goes down well by all except vegetarians. Then you can have rice, baked potatoes, French bread, as well as cheese and sour cream (which the dieter will skip).

ilovesprouts · 25/10/2009 15:37

give her a bowl of lettuce and plenty of tap water