in thinking that if you get invited to someones house and they are providing food, that you should just be grateful and not fuss about it ??

[MrsMorgan]

I am honestly not sure wether iabu or not.

Basically we are having a small halloween party next week, just me, the dc and my siblings and their partners.

One of my brothers gf's has recently lost weight through a leading weightloss group and is now a leader for one of those groups.

I am doing buffet food, nothing really cheap and nasty, just sandwiches, salad, quiches, etc. I am a single mum and I am funding all of this on my own, with my mum throwing in a few bits and bobs.

My brother has just emailed saying that his gf is bugging him about what food will be available. I can only assume that this is because of her diet, because previously she had no food issues. She already knew it was a buffet.

I am really annoyed that she is doing this. I am have sorted the whole thing on my own, food, decorations and games and tbh think that it is rude for her to question what will be available.

Last week they asked if her sister and her baby could come to the party and despite not knowing them I agreed as it makes no difference to me, but now I feel like I am being taken for a ride a bit.

AIBU ??

I think it is hospitable to take account of the needs of your guests.

If you knew that guests were vegetarian, then surely you would make food available to them.

It's pretty easy to provide something that is low fat. You don't have to give her a huge selection, just one or two accessible dishes.

OTOH, if her diet prohibits any kind of 'normal' food, she should be prepared to bring her own.

What food are you planning on serving?

When we have family get togethers,(23 people) we all contribute to the food so that no individual has to meet the cost and it's much more of a shared experience.
I'm veggie, Boy is very specific about what he eats (Aspie) OH eats anything and DD is a fantasic creator of nibbles. My siblings have equally diverse families, and my parents are on a very weird diet.
Tell her what's on offer, let her bring some of what she wants to share and chill out.
Family gatherings should be fun, tolerant and less about the food, more about the company.

Extremely rude.

DS is dairy intolerant, and I just bring his own food and wouldn't expect anyone to accommodate him. If there's something there he can eat, then it's an added bonus.

It's just a party. Not as if she's going away with you for the next 3 weeks to a remote island.

Just tell your brother you are doing snacks for the children. and she can take it or leave it.

My SIL and I tell each other if we are trying to lose weight so when we cook for each other we can bear that in mind. But we eat at each others' houses once or twice a week. Obviously the men don't care about calories, but if they are cooking get instructed to use less olive oil etc...

But at a party? Personally at a party I'd put the diet on the shelf or just be extra good in the other part of the day and not worry. Life is too short for constant dieting! She's being a little bit silly but you are being oversensitive.

It's not rude at all! She is simply asking what you're doing, she is not asking you to provide special food for her.

But wy didn't she contact the op? It's one thing to say, 'hi, how are you, really looking forward to seeing you, I'm on this diet and I wondered if you'll have anything I can eat, or should I bring something?'

A bit different for her db to email saying his gf's been bugging him to find out what food there'll be.

That is a bit weird

As a leader. I think she is being rude ion asking.

If she is fussy about what she wants to eat then she should bring something to the party. That way she looks like a generous guest too. That is what I tell my members to do.

I would never dream of asking what will be there. Assume the worst if you must and eat before you go out.

Agree totally with saintmaybe. Would have sounded much better put like that than getting her partner to ask about it.

shes only asking you what food you are previding

not asking you to buy low fat food for her

i did the same when i was on ww - find out what is at partys (if on ww one sausgae roll, a cheese sandwich and few crisps would be half my days points gone)

party food is yummy but so high in points

and if i couldnt eat it, then would bring something myself to share, ie low fat homus/cucumber/carrots etc and low fat quiche

hopefully her sister will bring something to party or at least ask if she can bring anything

I don't care if she is on a diet, it is rude to ask what food will be served at a party.

If she has a special dietry issue, she should have sent an message saying something like "i am not eating gluten or whatever at the moment so I hope you don't mind if I bring something along"

really rude

I guess she didn't get in contact because her boyfriend is the OP's brother and thus knows her better??

It's interesting that it would be OK if she'd simply made the decision not to eat meat because of her beliefs but it isn't OK when she's decided to not eat certain things because of her health. Especially as she's not requiring the OP to do anything special whatsoever.

As for "been bugging me to ask" that's just the way men (or women I guess) seem to speak when they've been asked more than once to do something (when they've probably forgotten to do it in the first place!) She may well only have asked him twice.

The fact that on this thread some say it was OK for her to ask and some say she was rude shows that it's not cut and dried. She just falls in the "not rude" camp. Just because you found it rude doesn't mean it is rude.

'She is trying to be prepared - I wish I could be so organised when on a diet.'

She might be doing this, but it is very rude. YANBU.
It would be reasonable to let you know if she was a vegetarian or had allergies- but beyond that it is rude.
I am on a diet but I would never let it impinge on other people. I would quietly choose the low fat food if a buffet, or have small portions and adjust the next day. I wouldn't even tell the hostess at the do that I was on a diet-I would fill my plate with salad so that she wouldn't notice that there wasn't a lot of the fattening stuff on it.

Hmm. Depends. Fair enough for gluten-free diets, or nut-allergic people, but not sure it's a bit off if she's just on a long term maintenance diet. Is she one of those 'look at meee!' dieters? Is this an attention-seeking thing, akin to turning up with a giant pair of trousers she can stand in one leg of? If she's been to a party at your house before, surely she'd know that you wouldn't just lay on cream cakes and sausage rolls. And even if you did, surely she has enough self-control to pick at a few things she is allowed, just for one evening? I think there's something a bit snotty about implying that you can't be trusted to cater in a sufficiently healthy fashion for her new lifestyle.

I'd cut her more slack if she was a mad paranoid dieter who's constantly battling her self-control, but even then, the world is full of carbs, and she's going to have to come out and face them sometime.

Having said that, be polite and don't a big deal about it. Just tell your brother that there will be salad.

I am going to differ with everyone and saying YAB a bit unreasonable. If a close friend/a relative of mine was on a diet, I would do everything I can to support them - that does not mean I would cook differently necessarily, but I would happily let her know what kind of thing I was planning so she can plan accordingly.

I have been to horrid buffets where everything was brown and pastry based. I just cannot see how she is being unreasonable by asking.

If I knew that going to someone else's house for dinner/party/overnight stay was going to create so much fuss and bother and nit-picking, I just wouldn't go.

Oh, wait. That's why I don't bother with SIL number 1 any more.

i really don't see the problem at all... i guess she's said to her partner - can you check with your sister what kind of food she's planning?

i don't think it's terribly rude to ask... and if it were me, i'd expect my DP to slip the question into the conversation casually and subtley, but he would probably go for the direct approach instead too and then go 'it's only my sister, she won't mind' if i object....

to be honest, not wanting to appear to other people to be 'fussy' in my eating is a big reason for me being a stone overweight right now

I would say it depends on why she is asking? Does she expect you to change the menu for her or is it so she can bring her food if needs be?

Obviously if it is the former she is BU but I think the latter is fair enough.

I'm having a Hallowe'en party and have already had my friend ask what sarnies will be there and will there be alcohol.

If she just wants to know what food you are doing then YABU, a bit.

When I get invited somewhere by friends or family I often ask what we're having because I am nosy and like to know!

I wouldn't turn my nose up at any offerings, I just like hearing what other people are going to be making.

Well I am firmly in the yANBU camp.

It's a buffet, the DB's GF has been to OPs buffets before and so knows the sort of thing that will be on offer. Plus at a buffet there's a range of things (as the GF knows from experience) so there's bound to be something she can have.

Plus it's one meal out of a lifetime - having a small helping of something isn't the end of the world. If she was really worried she could bring something suitable along just in case. My bro is a picky eater and he usually takes something along. Better than snottily turning your nose up at everything you are offered.

YANBU. If she is really that bothered she could eat before she came and not have any food while she is there. How rude of her.

If it's a dinner party type meal then usual to ask people if they have any dislikes as there aren't alternatives.

Not so with a buffet.

In fact I don't like butter (sandwiches) or sausage rolls or lots of other buffet food but I wouldn't dream of asking in advance what will be served. It's not life or death, it is my personal pickiness, there will usually be something I can have, if not then I don't have anything.

I think YABabitU I have a friend who brings her own food with her wherever she goes. For some being on a diet is a major life decision and they need to be in control of it all the time. As you have just said you will be doing salad etc I am sure she will be fine with that but some people do just serve up fatty rubbish at buffets. I think she would be being unreasonable if she asked you to cater for her and provide things you werent intending to though.

YANBU i hate fussy eaters! I'm hosting my inlaws at the moment and my theory is - I hate cooking at the best of times so quite frankly you get what you are given and bloody well like it!

Sounds awful doesn't it but I am tired of being asked if "we can't have a bit of x y or z"

I dont' give them awful food but after I've dealt with the fact that they are veggie, dont' eat preprocessed food, liek cereal not toast or croissants for breakfast and dont' like puddings (but do like biscuits) I'm feeling a bit tired!