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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that if you get invited to someones house and they are providing food, that you should just be grateful and not fuss about it ??

186 replies

MrsMorgan · 24/10/2009 22:52

I am honestly not sure wether iabu or not.

Basically we are having a small halloween party next week, just me, the dc and my siblings and their partners.

One of my brothers gf's has recently lost weight through a leading weightloss group and is now a leader for one of those groups.

I am doing buffet food, nothing really cheap and nasty, just sandwiches, salad, quiches, etc. I am a single mum and I am funding all of this on my own, with my mum throwing in a few bits and bobs.

My brother has just emailed saying that his gf is bugging him about what food will be available. I can only assume that this is because of her diet, because previously she had no food issues. She already knew it was a buffet.

I am really annoyed that she is doing this. I am have sorted the whole thing on my own, food, decorations and games and tbh think that it is rude for her to question what will be available.

Last week they asked if her sister and her baby could come to the party and despite not knowing them I agreed as it makes no difference to me, but now I feel like I am being taken for a ride a bit.

AIBU ??

OP posts:
CristinaTheAstonishing · 25/10/2009 20:35

Perhaps you should keep the wrappings too so she can work out the points. That would be so lovely and sisterly.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 25/10/2009 20:37

Even if you know in advance what will be at the buffet there's no telling exactly how it will be prepared and how many calories/points it will have. It's just an idea. You'd get the same idea just eyeing the food on the night.

itchyandscratchy · 25/10/2009 22:48

and people wonder why 95% of diets fail?

They fail because they impinge so greatly on a person's normal eating pattern that it is nigh on impossible to survive once you have attained your "goal" weight and then been released into the wild.

Hey, I know! Why don't you invite her to eat something if she's hungry - whatever tasty morsel she so desires - and then, when she's full up.... stop eating!

A different mindset is what's needed, not some regime that allows or doesn't allow this, that or the other. It's a very artificial way of living your life. But also a very lucrative one for the dieting industry, which, ironically, is now paying your Guestzilla to continue perpetrating the myth!

sorry... rant over! Enjoy your halloween buffet and don't give any more thought to this guest. She'll survive, I'm sure.

ImSoNotTelling · 26/10/2009 07:50

Totally agree with you itchyandscratchy.

JulesJules · 26/10/2009 08:01

Blimey.

I am so never doing a Hallowe'en Party.

Bloody minefield

ImSoNotTelling · 26/10/2009 08:03

It's OK julesjules, you don't have to invite all of us, you can invite nice people instead

Litchick · 26/10/2009 08:09

Whenever I'm watching my weight, I just assume that there won't be much low carb food and fill up before hand. If there's some stuff I can eat when I get there...bonus. If not, no worries.
Wouldn't dream of bugging the host.
Sometimes I might bring a dish myself as an offering to the host's table, if I thought he/she might appreciate that.

A bit like if I'm off the sauce I wouldn't ask 'what soft drinks are you serving'. Just drink council pop if nothing else.

itchyandscratchy · 26/10/2009 08:10

No don't say that julesjules! You just have to develop a thicker skin. We do a fair amount of entertaining (only low-key stuff, not posh!) as well as having fussy kids over to tea, but I've learned now that most people will eat most things and if they don't you can just shrug it off and offer insincere apologies and show them the bread board.

I've seen my MIL in action at her "At Home" parties for 10 years now - the table will be literally groaning under the weight of a thousand buffet components but if something runs out early (it was the warm new potatoes last time ), she will fuss and apologise for the rest of the day, absolutely mortified at her dreadful neglect of her guests . God save me from that!

itchyandscratchy · 26/10/2009 08:11

pmsl @ council pop

ImSoNotTelling · 26/10/2009 08:16

Mmmmm warm new potatos...

What do I have to do to wangle an invite to your MILs?

itchyandscratchy · 26/10/2009 08:20

You'll no doubt be invited now that you and her DIL have engaged into a cyber-conversation on a social networking site...

Some of the people that turn up at her dos have much more tenuous links than this!

girlafraid · 26/10/2009 08:21

This is a real bugbear of mine, it's really rude. I can understand she's on a diet but she can bring her own food if she's really that worried

My PIL turn up for meal which I have slaved over and then proceed to take it in turns to announce what they can't (or rather won't eat) and it drives me mad! Of course if you have an allergy then it is different but if someone has taken the trouble to prepare food for you then you should bloody well say thank you and get on with it!

itchyandscratchy · 26/10/2009 08:26

It's attention-seeking. And therefore should be treated like you do when dealing with attention-seeking toddlers or puppies: ignore the bad behaviour ("Oh, there's nothing suitable for you to eat? Oh dear, poor you, have a cracker...") and go overboard on the good behaviour (endlessly re-filling the plates and topping up the glasses of those guests who are eating the food and complimenting the trouble you've gone to).

It will also drive the fusspots mad and so is extra-satisfying.

GibbonWithAnAppleBobbingBibOn · 26/10/2009 08:32

But she is family, or at least her brother is who asked. Surely family can ask such things?

Council pop? charming

ProfYaffle · 26/10/2009 08:43

Lol@ council pop, my Nan used to call it Corporation pop.

Litchick · 26/10/2009 08:44

Nowt wrong with council pop. If more kids drank it rather than fizzy shite they wouldn't be fat .

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 26/10/2009 09:03

Totaly agree with scratchy.

It's this kind of obsessing about what you can/can't/might/might not eat in a weeks time, that makes people fat.

It's a warped realtionship with food.

Our weight obsessions and warped ideas aound food should not allow basic manners to be abandoned.

You can obsess about your food intake and indulge in strict and/or bizarre diets in private but you should not allow this to spill over into imposing in any ways on other people.

I think checking what there will be is spilling over. As I said before, we were taught as children it is rude to question your host on what is to be offered, I'm suprised others werent tuaght this I really thught it was basic manners.

Yes, I might be able to casually ask my Mum or even my own brother, but if you're an inlaw and there is a suspicio you are asking because it may not 'fit in' with what you want then you will appear rude, so you should know better.

I also think it would be very rude to take you own diet food. Deal with your requirements at home before or afer evne if that does mean nibbling on the garnih whilst telling the host that the buffet is fab, or as scrathy said, just eat some food if you're hungry and then stop eating.

I can't stand the trend where every persons obsession, anally controlling need is expected to be met by others and can bypass basic manners because you 'need' it.

Fine if it's a genuine need then the host should show good manners by meeting that, but if it's really a preferencethen good manners says keep it too yourself.

porcamiseria · 26/10/2009 09:15

put some lo fat celery and carrot sticks, conscience clean for nada, people can get very precious tho eh!

ImSoNotTelling · 26/10/2009 09:22

I don't understand it at all.

At a buffet there is more than likely going to be something you can eat. If not, then don't have it, and eat later.

Maybe SIL will turn up with a slimfast drink and sit there sipping it pointedly in the corner.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 26/10/2009 09:23

so let me get this straight...

you would ALL be having a fit of the vapours if your wee brother asked you what you were planning to serve at your buffet (on behalf of a woman that you really, really like)?

ImSoNotTelling · 26/10/2009 09:37

Round here a buffet is normally about 15 different things including bog standard stuff like bread and salad etc.

I would be pretty if anyone rang up asking me to list a great pile of stuff, on the basis that out of everything I was doing there wouldn't be anything at all that someone could eat.

Actually my brother is the pickiest eater ever and if my mum rang up on his behalf (which I can well imagine) saying "will x be able to eat anything" my response would be that the silly sod can like it or lump it because, as much as I love him, he is pandered to.

Stigaloid · 26/10/2009 09:37

Only read opening post. Not 7 pages!

YANBU - tell her what is on offer. She is an adult - she can make up her mind to eat what is on offer, bring something herself or eat later and stick to her diet.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 26/10/2009 09:40

Wouldn't have 'fit of the vapours', but would think 'that's a bit rude, didn't her mother ever tell her that, I bet she's obeseing about her diet'.

Like that he's now a 'wee brother' in italics grin]to suggest cuddly innocence and a 'oooo what are we having then?' type genuine curious casual enquiry.

Oh course it could be that, but OP's instincts seem to tell her different and from info given, it suggets that's the case.

I agree though that a wee brother asking casually about what's on your buffet without any other covert agenda from a food obsessed gf, would be a differnt scenario entirely.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 26/10/2009 09:41

but she's not a picky eater, she's NOT demanding anything AT ALL. she's just askin' what yer havin'.

christmases must be fun round your way.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 26/10/2009 09:44

but what difference does it make what her reason is? i'm inclined to agree with itchy about dieting but that doesn't detract from the fact that the woman has obviously done well on her diet plan and doesn't want to take a night off it. i just don't get the need for all the aggression, how hard is it to say 'sausage rolls and quiche, but i'll leave a bowl of salad with no dressing on if that's any use?'