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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that we are being FAR TOO SOFT on our kids nowadays by trying to help them avoid any little mishap?

189 replies

flashharriet · 23/10/2009 10:45

DS (Y6) walks to school with some friends. This morning, he decides to cook himself some breakfast and was then mucking about with his sisters. He then leapt in the shower and was in serious danger of being too late to meet his friends. So he said "Mum, you'll have to drive me to meet them" which I refused to do, suggesting instead that he call his friends to let them know. Moaning and groaning, he sprinted out the door and managed to meet them.

Relaying this later to one of the Mums at school, I could see her thinking "Aw, you could have taken him, poor boy". This is an attitude that seems quite prevalent now - the mums are truly lovely people and their kids' childhood must be lovely because nothing is ever allowed to go wrong in it! But I do wonder whether this is in fact, not doing the kids any favours in the long run? I know that I learnt some really important lessons about work and friendships by making mistakes and having to reap the consequences.

AIBU or am I out of step with everyone else?

OP posts:
shoptilidrop · 25/10/2009 16:23

yeah - i think lots of people are way too soft.
Or maybe im just harsh?
My DD will be 4 at the end of january.
She helps out with a lot of things and she has to pack her bag for nursery. I do ask her, have you got your slippers, she says yes, i dont check. The other day she said yes and she hadnt put them in. She had cold feet. She laughed and said 'silly me' and has not forgotten since.
She walks everywhere, she helps me carry stuff. She helps put her washing away, sets the table, dusts ( i do go round behind her).
Sometimes she does it willingly, sometimes she doesnt, but i tell her that sometimes i dont want to do things either, but they still have to be done.
Its not doing her any harm at all, shes a really good girl ( most of the time) she is very confident and im sure that doing things for heself/helping me and seeing the rewards/consequences has helped her.

purepurple · 25/10/2009 16:29

YANBU
DD (13) and her friends recently arranged a trip to the cinema.
They all met at our house. The cinema is about 20 mins walk or about 5 minutes on the bus.
I can't drive, so couldn't take them.
You would have thought the world was ending with all the wailing of "But what are we going to do?!"
Their solution was to phone one of their mum's who came and took them.
Because I don't drive DD has to be more independent.

juuule · 25/10/2009 16:29

Goppingotter - the children at our primary school are not allowed home unless picked up by an adult or sometimes with prior arrangement an older sibling(non-primary age).

I picked my children up from school until they went to secondary. They managed fine.

juuule · 25/10/2009 16:31

Goppingotter - the children at our primary school are not allowed home unless picked up by an adult or sometimes with prior arrangement an older sibling(non-primary age).

I picked my children up from school until they went to secondary. They managed fine.

juuule · 25/10/2009 16:32

Ooops -sorry for double post.

GoppingOtter · 25/10/2009 19:20

juule well at ours i remember way back - when school had to enforce a 'not until year 4' rue on children walking home alone. Nowadays it does not seem to happen

Personally i think it is sad - more 'nannying' by parents

In our day you were at mmiddle school by year 5 or 6 and after school was when the fun happened

It's no wonder kids dont leave home anymore till 37

Dont know how to cross the road

cleanandclothed · 25/10/2009 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

juuule · 25/10/2009 20:26

Goppingotter, as it's the school who won't release the children unless to an adult, it's not really 'nannying parents'. Although as I said I did pick mine up throughout primary. Somehow, though, they did know how to cross roads, catch the bus, take themselves to secondary, college, uni. Amazing. Taking and picking up from primary doesn't make them incapable later on ime.

Ouchhhh · 25/10/2009 22:18

I will encourage my DCs to be independent, but for their sakes, not mine - there's a difference!

I totally agree with not wrapping your DCs in cotton wool however there is a fine line between that and your DCs growing up feeling a bit unloved, like I did.

My mum was queen of the "make your own lunch/I'm not driving you to school/don't ask me for help with your homework/how should I know where your PE kit is/take yourself to the dentist/wash your own clothes" etc etc from about aged 11-12 onwards and it was horrible, not because I was lazy but because it felt like she didn't care enough to do some/any of these things for me like most other mums did. I felt quite vulnerable really. Far from feeling like I was being encouraged to be independent it just felt like she didn't care.

Hence my DCs will learn how to work a washing machine and get themselves from A to B on time and research their own projects for school but I want them to know without doubt that if I will always do it for them, with love, as and when it is fitting.

GoppingOtter · 25/10/2009 22:51

i get your drift ouch and believe in a BIT of that ( maybe not at 11) but it IS a fine line

GoppingOtter · 25/10/2009 22:53

juule nor did i say it does

11 year olds with Mummy waiting seems wrong to me. 11 year olds should be running home with mates not being ferried to the next 'planned' event - which is all too often what is happening

GoppingOtter · 25/10/2009 22:56

its an indicator of the bigger picture ime

mumeeee · 25/10/2009 23:41

It is normal for parents to attend university open days with thier DCs now. In fact universities actually expect it. I now DH attended some open days with DD1. He didn't spend the whole time with her as there were some seprate events for parents. I went to one open day with DD2.

GoppingOtter · 25/10/2009 23:46

mummee but why is it??

we managed? Its about independance - dare we not let go of our kids nowadays?

mumeeee · 25/10/2009 23:48

I forgot to say that when DD1 and 2 got interviews/auditions for the universities they applird for. DH would take thembut then he'd go off for the day and pick them up when they had finished.

juuule · 26/10/2009 18:09

Goppingotter - you may not have said it but it does seem implied by how you regard children being picked up from primary.

juuule · 26/10/2009 18:11

I also see nothing wrong with attending university open days if you have the time. What is wrong with taking an interest in where your child is going?

GoppingOtter · 26/10/2009 20:38

nothing at all but i hope my children will do these things alone or with friends

they can come back and tell me all about it

i dont want to helicopter

my son is very young for his year but he is still a big boy

mumeeee · 26/10/2009 21:04

GoppingOtter. It's not because we don't want to give our children independance,but because we take an interest in what they want to do and whare they are going. DD1 is now married and living in London with her DH, Dh going to open days with her didn't effect her independance,she went to university quite capable opf doing her own washing and cooking,but she knew we were there for her if she needed any advice. DD2 has come home from uni today ( she has a reading week so does not have to go into uni), she has not brought me any dirty washing today and she finished all her meal tonight. She says she doesn't waste food any more is learning how to budget properly.

JammyOLantern · 26/10/2009 21:22

I used to work with a girl (in her early 20s) who had lots of time off sick in her first few months (not her fault of course, these things sometimes happen) and then got offered a cancellation spot to go to hospital to have a non-urgent operation on her knee. With her only having been in the job a few months she hadn't accrued all that much entitlement to paid sick leave, and had already used up her entitlement (and more) so work said she could have the time off as unpaid sick leave, but they would hold the job open for her for X months while she recovered. She was outraged "How can they expect me to live without pay?" Um, well you'll get statutory sick pay. "But it's hardly anything! How am I meant to live on that?" Well, your parents are hardly going to throw you out because you're broke for a couple of months are they? "But that's not the point, I could have a mortgage." Well if you did then you would have had to think about taking payment protection for a situation like this. "But it's not fair. They can't be allowed to do this!" etc etc etc.

And another lad (also in his 20s) lived with his mum, who did EVERYTHING. She was out Xmas shopping one night and he complained that he'd have to wait for his dinner because he couldn't be arsed to fry some onions to go with the hotdogs she had left for him to microwave! And when she bought him some shirts and ties from M&S he complained that they were "only" £25 shirts, not the £100 ones that he liked!!!

GoppingOtter · 26/10/2009 21:43

mumeee i am not saying that at all

I am merely saying there IS a cultural shift towards 'leaning' on mum and dad and that parents are the causal factor therein imo !

I am desperate for my dc to still come home and tbh i will probably WANT their laundry to feel like i can still help them etc

i aslo think for my child to be happy get the most out of life and fulfill their potential i have to step back and let them make their own mistakes etc

mumeeee · 26/10/2009 22:22

GoppingOtter. I agree with you we do have to step back sometimes and let our Dcs make some mistakes. But I still say that parents going to open days with their Dc's is not about not giving them independance.

GoppingOtter · 26/10/2009 22:26

i think we will agree to differ

at least going into the seminar - you dont think thhat is a bit ott?

mumeeee · 26/10/2009 23:02

If the seminar was just for students then yes that was a bit odd, But it depends on what it was, if it was about finance then I would say parnets would want to go along as they are the ones providing for thier DCs.

GoppingOtter · 26/10/2009 23:04

not in our house mumeee

that's what student loans are for.....no?

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