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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that we are being FAR TOO SOFT on our kids nowadays by trying to help them avoid any little mishap?

189 replies

flashharriet · 23/10/2009 10:45

DS (Y6) walks to school with some friends. This morning, he decides to cook himself some breakfast and was then mucking about with his sisters. He then leapt in the shower and was in serious danger of being too late to meet his friends. So he said "Mum, you'll have to drive me to meet them" which I refused to do, suggesting instead that he call his friends to let them know. Moaning and groaning, he sprinted out the door and managed to meet them.

Relaying this later to one of the Mums at school, I could see her thinking "Aw, you could have taken him, poor boy". This is an attitude that seems quite prevalent now - the mums are truly lovely people and their kids' childhood must be lovely because nothing is ever allowed to go wrong in it! But I do wonder whether this is in fact, not doing the kids any favours in the long run? I know that I learnt some really important lessons about work and friendships by making mistakes and having to reap the consequences.

AIBU or am I out of step with everyone else?

OP posts:
forehead · 24/10/2009 12:39

Thank God some sanity on mumsnet. I have three DC's aged 7,6 and 4 and even at their tender age they have chores. My 7 year old makes breakfast for her younger siblings they all clean their rooms.My 4 year old son is currently cleaning the kitchen table, he is really doing a crap job of it, but i have told him how wonderful he is. When my BIL and
his wife came to visit me last week, they remarked on how independent my DC's were compared to their children who are aged 18,15,11 and 9. I was almost tempted to tell them that it was their own fault for spoiling their children. They will not even allow the 11 year old to go to school by herself. The 18 year old does not cook or iron and as a result is finding life at university really hard. My dc's are by no means perfect children, but they realise that mummy is not their servant and if they want things done , they have to do it themselves.
When my children come home and tell me that they have been told off by their teacher for 'no reason' i don't go marching down to the school and demand that the teacher be reprimanded for picking on foreheadjnr. I tell my DC's that if they are well behaved the teacher will not shout at them. I truly believe that parents who spoil their kids are abusing them, by leaving them ill equipped to cope with life.

SorciereAnna · 24/10/2009 12:42

"their kids' childhood must be lovely because nothing is ever allowed to go wrong in it!"

I know exactly what the OP means; but children can have a lovely childhood even if things "go wrong" from time to time, especially if they get used to dealing with the consequences of their actions from an early age.

I made DD, at just 4, walk to school early one morning in the freezing cold because she had faffed around and missed the bus (and if we had waited for the next bus, we would have been late for school). This kind of thing helps her focus her mind on time management and the need to hurry up when I say so!

FaintlyAmusedEyebrows · 24/10/2009 12:55

Message withdrawn

SorciereAnna · 24/10/2009 12:58

When I went to university I quickly moved out of (self-catering) halls of residence into a house share. I had been brought up to look after myself and couldn't stand having cleaners letting themselves into my room and the so-called "services" that institutional life provided.

EdgarAllenPoo · 24/10/2009 13:07

ah college food...those were the days!

and the bloody cleaners 'do ya room petal?' at 8am or some other ungodly hour. (i expect the cambridge cleaners have a different accent)

a friend of mine got to third year before she knew how to change a lightbulb...but then my dad is 60 now and has only just mastered the arcane art of switching on the washing machine. His mum did everything for him.

i think people have fewer children nw, and this is why there is a greater likelihood of them having had mummy do it all.

DD already tidies her stuff >smug

carriedababi · 24/10/2009 13:46

yaabu, she probably thoguht you where trying to mak eout your some sort of hard bastard

OnceWasMummyPig · 24/10/2009 18:23

I love this thread! Both my older ds make breakfast for themselves in the week and ds1 is looking forward to Yr 5 when I will allow him to walk to school himself every day. He's done it several times already but only because ds2 was being a pain and I thought it wasn't fair on ds1 to be late because of his brother. I'm not sure if ds2 will be responsible enough by then as he seems to live in a dream world where vehicles and other pedestrians do not feature. However I do not plan to go to university Open Days with them nor to be doing their laundry by the time they are 18. Neither will I pay for a university hall with full board like someone I know.

reikizen · 24/10/2009 18:36

Oh god, I wish I was perfect too.

Miggsie · 24/10/2009 20:19

My DD was playing a game with a boy (they were both 5) and she won and the boy had a tantrum, so the boy's mum asked my DD not to win, as it upset her boy.

DD replied that she won, because she was best.

Chip off the old block, my DD!

slbezza · 24/10/2009 20:33

hello new to this site, i am agreeing and also disagreeing with this subject, i do think we are too soft, but on the other hand alot of 'modern' parents are far too strict, or shud we say cud do with parenting classes to be taught to show love anbd affection

slbezza · 24/10/2009 20:36

comment to MIGGSIE, i wud never ask someone else to let my child win, children have to learn that they dont always win and that other people deserve to win etc. what happens when the kids are adults, u shouldnt feel guilty for winning something the same way you shud not have sour grapes about a friend winning something, children have to learn. i think im quite soft but i think that children MUST learn to share, compassion etc

SorciereAnna · 24/10/2009 20:38

I think it is quite easy to simultaneously be too indulgent and overprotective of one's children and to not show them enough love and affection.

slbezza · 24/10/2009 20:43

ive lost my comments, can anyone help, im new to site PPLLEEAASSEE HELP

slbezza · 24/10/2009 20:45

SorciereAnna - exactly what do you mean then by love and affection, does that mean no boundaries

SorciereAnna · 24/10/2009 20:47

Love and affection = kisses, cuddles, telling them they are gorgeous, wonderful, your favourite person, doing things that make them especially happy

indulgence and overprotection = keeping them in a bubble of no risks/hurts/pain with excessive material comforts and entertainments

slbezza · 24/10/2009 20:48

OnceWasMummyPig -n i have read a few comments on this subject and i think that as long as you have gone through something with a child and they are aware of the pro and cons, as well as being taught to be responsible there is no harm in giving them extra responsibility, i can imagine letting my child do it, BUT THEN AGAIN, i used to say i wouldnt let my child do alot of things that she no in fact does. its about teaching them, and if u have some common sence about you (not you presonally, just general ppl) you would know whether your child was ready for something or not.

slbezza · 24/10/2009 20:53

love and affection is different for everyon and it is not realistic to constantly kiss and cuddle every day, some times there is not enough time, but indulgeance and overprotection, i feel there is no need for, i protect my child from hurt, but also realises that bad things can happen, she needs to explore as well as being street wise (different extents for different ages obviously)and that material things are nice, but u earn them, and do not substitute love, quality family/frinds time etc etc and some parent \are too busy, or too busy watching TV etc to interact with children which is where they mis out, cos they dont learn or have enough interaction, ppl for get children learn the most the younger they are, they are like sponges and pick up on everything, even things u think they havnt.

EdgarAllenPoo · 24/10/2009 22:01

I think it is quite easy to simultaneously be too indulgent and overprotective of one's children and to not show them enough love and affection.

v. true.

i also think it is wise not to be overly judgey, bearing in mind the Heisenberg uncertainty principle (ie, that observation changes the observed fact)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/10/2009 22:57

I think you have to get the balance right. Saying "I won't ferry my kids anywhere" just seems MEAN to me if that's your attitude all the time. We sometimes do favours for each other out of love, surely, whether it be an adult or a child. eg I'll offer to pick DH up from the station if it's raining rather than him having to walk 20 mins home in the rain. Surely you'd offer the same to your child, or would you not do that because it's MOLLYCODDLING and would just "make them soft"? There is a fine line between mollycoddling and just being plain mean.

I also think that a of laziness and leaving things for others to do comes down to personality. DH came from a house where his mum did EVERYTHING for him. The difference is, when we moved in together he knew he had to learn fast to do things like cook and use the washing machine, but the willingness was there. He had appreciated what his mum had done for him and not taken it for granted. He is absolutely fantastic round the house, I mean he really puts the effort in despite working long hours, and is now a better cook than me.

Likewise, my mum did everything for my sister and me, and we had to learn fast when we moved out. OUr different personalities show up now as adults - she likes to take the easy path in life and is still expecting our parents to bail her out of debts that she's accrued through silly overspending, and I am the opposite. I would be embarrassed to ask my mum and dad for money at my age because I hadn't been responsible enough to spend wisely.

I know what you're all saying, but I don't think it's black and white.

GoppingOtter · 24/10/2009 23:07

agree totally flashharriet
does them no favours

GoppingOtter · 24/10/2009 23:12

people pick year 5and 6 kids up from school

LOCAL primary -EVERY day madness

let them learn to cross a road /speak to 'strangers' and above all have some fun!!

DS said at the Oxford open day - they had to ask the parents to leave the seminar as there was not enough room for the students

i was at home i hasten to add

Fizzfiend · 24/10/2009 23:38

I'm with you...kids can take a lot more than a lot of parents give them credit for. I am the meanest mom...but I think it is good for her in the long run. For example, she is yeasr 5, has to pack her bag, gym kit, etc. I don't check it. If she forgets something...too bad...I'm not racing back and forth to school with kit. They learn really quickly this way.

Indulge them too much and they'll still be living with you when they're 30!

I read your headline OP and was immediately reminded of a great book "The blessing of a skinned knee" which basically explains that kids learn through hard lessons....not by being wrapped in cotton wool.

mumzy · 25/10/2009 08:35

I think these days we forget how much children can do for themselves. My parents often worked nights and we 3 children had to get ourselves up on time for school make our own breakfast and get ourselves off to school. db (9yrs) and myself (7yrs) would take our ds (6yrs). I could cook a simple meal by 9yrs old and would be totally responsible for my all school stuff incl homework. Also visited all unis by myself on the train and no problems fending for myself once there.
I once overheard a family shopping with their fresher ds and he asking his mum if he liked tomatoes!!
I've now made my dc responsible for remembering the school stuff they need and helping to clear up after dinner. I feel it is a step in the right direction

cory · 25/10/2009 08:46

I have small chances of winning the meanest mum competition as both my dcs have disabilities and chronic pain: tbh it doesn't seem fair to get dd to do the chores when she comes home from school grey with pain and exhaustion and I am fit as a fiddle

I think the truth is that she will have to be less ambitious in her housekeeping if she is to hold down a fulltime job

hopefully, she will be as self-reliant and independent as the next person- but she is going to have to fudge these things

otoh I am very careful not to intervene every time she gets upset with other people; she knows I am there when things are serious, but I do expect her to manage everyday small annoyances on her own

ElenorRigby · 25/10/2009 10:16

YANBU at all. Parenting should be about enabling children to cope with the word step by step.
I have had many convo's with a good friend of mine about child rearing.
She was very strict with her strong willed, hyperactive, thrill seeking son. Mothers who knew her at the time (late 70's,early 80's) told her she was too strict and her son would not want to know her when he grew up. These mothers were highly indulgent with their son's. The boys were all part of the same peer group.
My friends son is now 37yo father of 2 and is happily married and has been for years. He is a successful businessman and is very very sorted/content as a person.
Sadly though his peers did not fair so well. Three of his close boyhood friends are dead from drug overdoses, yes the son's of the indulgent mums who criticised my friend 30 years ago.
I think the negative influences and temptations are far worse these these days than 30 years ago. I will do everything I can to enable DD to steer her way through succesfully. I would be delighted if I am able to parent DD as my friend parented her DS.